Categories > Books > Chronicles of Narnia > Memiors of a Nameless Queen
When Caspian met me I was a miserable girl who bottled her feelings up and kept them deep within herself in order to make her father happy. But I'd be getting ahead of myself if I started there: my husband did not start my life. I was someone before I met him and truly, I had things going on prior to his arrival on my father's island which greatly affected the entire course of my existence. So I won't start there. I was so lonely. So lonely. My father adored me in every way and doted on me, giving me anything I wanted or needed, telling me several times a day what I meant to him and how special and wonderful I was. But I was not a star. I grew older, he grew younger. He would someday ascend to the sky above again and I would remain down here. Though I loved him with all my heart, I could never connect with him, never relate to him. He was not like me. I was human.
The rare times I saw other humans were when travelers had made it to our island: usually exhausted but exhilarated men wolfing down food ravenously as they gave me amorous looks and pretended to be gentlemen whilst boasting with grossly exaggerated tales of their adventures and bravery during their travels. Around me they tried to sound sophisticated and brave whilst kissing my hand, calling me ‘Milady’ and trying to flatter me with compliments. I spied on them farting, burping, eating with their hands, getting violent with each other and making extremely crude comments and jokes when they thought I was not there. Their insincerity when I was in their presence was disappointing, disheartening, and insulting to me. And though I knew we were all human, I still could not connect to them. It was not just that I knew they’d be leaving forever in a matter of days, but also that I knew I was still different from them somehow.
This ate away at me for years until I was fourteen.
And one of the crew members who came was a woman.
I do not lie when I say I had not until then seen another woman. But there she was: bodice, chemise, skirts and petticoats which revealed her legs, a sword on her belt and a scarf in her auburn hair. She was around twenty years old, spoke in a high voice and drank the wine like it was water. I was fascinated. Another woman! Her party (pirates) stayed a fortnight to take as much advantage of our hospitality as possible. During that time, I hovered around her like a planet, watching everything she did, asking her thousands of questions when I was not listening to her go on and on about all the men she’d had and all the treasure she’d gathered. She was the only one who didn’t pretend to be something she wasn’t when I was around.
She called me “blondie” and taught me how to tie different knots with rope and gave me a dagger. When she left, I cried. Her name was Anyanka.
Before Anyanka, I had prayed every night with tears in my eyes to become a star when my father went up into the sky so I could be closer to him and stay that way forever. After I met Anyanka, I prayed to either become a star or go out into the rest of the world and meet other women and men and travel and see the world like Anyanka. I was rather terrified of that second wish coming true, but I was more terrified of it not coming true.
I also felt tremendous guilt at my urge to leave. I was tortured by the thought of my father someday leaving me, and yet I wanted to do that to him! I was all he had and it was not like there were other stars he could find if he left the island. He had no doubt felt the same loneliness, and I wanted to desert him.
I was always able to hide this from him.
My one solace was magic. I spent hours in my room, developing, casting, and inventing spell after spell; getting lost in the magic and leaving my loneliness behind. There was a period where I would summon spirits or create magical companions; but they ended up making me even more depressed. But after a while, not even magic was enough to keep me sane.
So, when I was about 15 I vented my frustrations with a new habit: seducing travelers. Numerous times the sailors would reach for me and try to grope me or try to charm me and whisper scandalous things in my ear and on every rare occasion that a ship landed on my island, I picked one I liked and took him to bed.
I knew what I was doing, too. I was not manipulated or forced into anything. I was using those men and they were using me. We both knew we’d never see each other again and I had spells that prevented me from conceiving and him from telling anyone. And every romp was sweet relief: any act they were pulling to impress me fell apart during those encounters. The nerves and sensations force you to reveal your true self. So for those moments, I had real time with another human being while experiencing sensations that made me feel alive in ways I had never thought possible.
But I knew, even when that was at its best, that I could not rely on this to keep me content. I never knew how long I would have to wait before a new ship docked and I could never be sure how long they would stay. Worse, I might accidentally get emotionally involved with one of my partners and have to watch him sail away. No, it was not practical. Incredible, but not practical.
And I had no choice: I had to talk to my father. I told him one day in the garden after he had eaten his fire-berry and grown younger that I yearned to leave the island and meet other women and men. I told him I was lonely and wanted companionship from human beings.
“Oh, you’re just restless, my dearest Sitara,” he said, trying to hide the hurt look on his face with a smile. “You know you have me as well as our guests who come and they are human and you have not shown any more pleasure in discourse with them than you have in anything else you do. Really, you want for nothing. Certainly not companionship as you have all the animals here and a father who loves you. You’ve just grown a little too accustomed to your everyday routine and want to see the world which I certainly understand. And I also understand why you would say it is loneliness, you want to care more for the humans of this world. But you have no reason to, you are so good to our guests here and have always made others very happy. You want to spend some time seeing the world, that’s all.”
I didn’t bother protesting because I knew my words had hurt him. He was dismissing me because he thought that if I was lonely it meant he had failed as a father and that he was losing me, that I didn’t love him anymore and that he couldn’t make me happy. Blaming it on the restlessness of youth was much easier to do.
He continued. “I’m afraid, my love, that you will just have to wait for this phase to run its course. We have no means for you to leave. I can not get you the proper protection you’d need once you left and I could not trust any of the men who come here. The likelihood of you being able to return home after you’ve spent some time at sea as minimal. You could only leave here if you were married, and no man worthy of you has visited nor do I believe they will ever visit. Only the toughest and roughest have made it this far, and they are not the sort of men to be wed to you.”
I held myself steady, trying not to tremble at this. “I understand.”
And I did.
His words were a deep blow and I wasn’t sure I could mask the hurt of those words. It wasn’t just that he had not believed my motives or that he told me it was impossible, it was that he was saying this in such a way that told me he didn’t intend to ever bother trying to make it happen. He wanted me to stay with him forever, or at least until he was a star again. It was true, it was likely that I would not be very safe sailing with pirates and random soldiers, but it was not like I could not take care of myself. I had great magical power to protect myself and Anyanka was living proof that you could be a woman and live like that happily. Father was clinging to me. He had no interest in making this happen for me. He, who had never denied me anything, would not allow me my freedom. We were all each of us had, we both wanted more, but he was going to make sure that as long as he was stuck like this, I would be to.
And so I resented him. There was a rift. But I hid it. I had never seen my father be selfish before, but now that I had it changed my whole image of him. Of course I understood and sympathized. He would lose all he had if I were to leave. But that didn’t make it an easier pill to swallow. I was still going to be miserable.
The worst part was, I felt more guilty than ever before.
The rare times I saw other humans were when travelers had made it to our island: usually exhausted but exhilarated men wolfing down food ravenously as they gave me amorous looks and pretended to be gentlemen whilst boasting with grossly exaggerated tales of their adventures and bravery during their travels. Around me they tried to sound sophisticated and brave whilst kissing my hand, calling me ‘Milady’ and trying to flatter me with compliments. I spied on them farting, burping, eating with their hands, getting violent with each other and making extremely crude comments and jokes when they thought I was not there. Their insincerity when I was in their presence was disappointing, disheartening, and insulting to me. And though I knew we were all human, I still could not connect to them. It was not just that I knew they’d be leaving forever in a matter of days, but also that I knew I was still different from them somehow.
This ate away at me for years until I was fourteen.
And one of the crew members who came was a woman.
I do not lie when I say I had not until then seen another woman. But there she was: bodice, chemise, skirts and petticoats which revealed her legs, a sword on her belt and a scarf in her auburn hair. She was around twenty years old, spoke in a high voice and drank the wine like it was water. I was fascinated. Another woman! Her party (pirates) stayed a fortnight to take as much advantage of our hospitality as possible. During that time, I hovered around her like a planet, watching everything she did, asking her thousands of questions when I was not listening to her go on and on about all the men she’d had and all the treasure she’d gathered. She was the only one who didn’t pretend to be something she wasn’t when I was around.
She called me “blondie” and taught me how to tie different knots with rope and gave me a dagger. When she left, I cried. Her name was Anyanka.
Before Anyanka, I had prayed every night with tears in my eyes to become a star when my father went up into the sky so I could be closer to him and stay that way forever. After I met Anyanka, I prayed to either become a star or go out into the rest of the world and meet other women and men and travel and see the world like Anyanka. I was rather terrified of that second wish coming true, but I was more terrified of it not coming true.
I also felt tremendous guilt at my urge to leave. I was tortured by the thought of my father someday leaving me, and yet I wanted to do that to him! I was all he had and it was not like there were other stars he could find if he left the island. He had no doubt felt the same loneliness, and I wanted to desert him.
I was always able to hide this from him.
My one solace was magic. I spent hours in my room, developing, casting, and inventing spell after spell; getting lost in the magic and leaving my loneliness behind. There was a period where I would summon spirits or create magical companions; but they ended up making me even more depressed. But after a while, not even magic was enough to keep me sane.
So, when I was about 15 I vented my frustrations with a new habit: seducing travelers. Numerous times the sailors would reach for me and try to grope me or try to charm me and whisper scandalous things in my ear and on every rare occasion that a ship landed on my island, I picked one I liked and took him to bed.
I knew what I was doing, too. I was not manipulated or forced into anything. I was using those men and they were using me. We both knew we’d never see each other again and I had spells that prevented me from conceiving and him from telling anyone. And every romp was sweet relief: any act they were pulling to impress me fell apart during those encounters. The nerves and sensations force you to reveal your true self. So for those moments, I had real time with another human being while experiencing sensations that made me feel alive in ways I had never thought possible.
But I knew, even when that was at its best, that I could not rely on this to keep me content. I never knew how long I would have to wait before a new ship docked and I could never be sure how long they would stay. Worse, I might accidentally get emotionally involved with one of my partners and have to watch him sail away. No, it was not practical. Incredible, but not practical.
And I had no choice: I had to talk to my father. I told him one day in the garden after he had eaten his fire-berry and grown younger that I yearned to leave the island and meet other women and men. I told him I was lonely and wanted companionship from human beings.
“Oh, you’re just restless, my dearest Sitara,” he said, trying to hide the hurt look on his face with a smile. “You know you have me as well as our guests who come and they are human and you have not shown any more pleasure in discourse with them than you have in anything else you do. Really, you want for nothing. Certainly not companionship as you have all the animals here and a father who loves you. You’ve just grown a little too accustomed to your everyday routine and want to see the world which I certainly understand. And I also understand why you would say it is loneliness, you want to care more for the humans of this world. But you have no reason to, you are so good to our guests here and have always made others very happy. You want to spend some time seeing the world, that’s all.”
I didn’t bother protesting because I knew my words had hurt him. He was dismissing me because he thought that if I was lonely it meant he had failed as a father and that he was losing me, that I didn’t love him anymore and that he couldn’t make me happy. Blaming it on the restlessness of youth was much easier to do.
He continued. “I’m afraid, my love, that you will just have to wait for this phase to run its course. We have no means for you to leave. I can not get you the proper protection you’d need once you left and I could not trust any of the men who come here. The likelihood of you being able to return home after you’ve spent some time at sea as minimal. You could only leave here if you were married, and no man worthy of you has visited nor do I believe they will ever visit. Only the toughest and roughest have made it this far, and they are not the sort of men to be wed to you.”
I held myself steady, trying not to tremble at this. “I understand.”
And I did.
His words were a deep blow and I wasn’t sure I could mask the hurt of those words. It wasn’t just that he had not believed my motives or that he told me it was impossible, it was that he was saying this in such a way that told me he didn’t intend to ever bother trying to make it happen. He wanted me to stay with him forever, or at least until he was a star again. It was true, it was likely that I would not be very safe sailing with pirates and random soldiers, but it was not like I could not take care of myself. I had great magical power to protect myself and Anyanka was living proof that you could be a woman and live like that happily. Father was clinging to me. He had no interest in making this happen for me. He, who had never denied me anything, would not allow me my freedom. We were all each of us had, we both wanted more, but he was going to make sure that as long as he was stuck like this, I would be to.
And so I resented him. There was a rift. But I hid it. I had never seen my father be selfish before, but now that I had it changed my whole image of him. Of course I understood and sympathized. He would lose all he had if I were to leave. But that didn’t make it an easier pill to swallow. I was still going to be miserable.
The worst part was, I felt more guilty than ever before.
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