Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses

The Gossip Column

by destinyxnxslash 5 reviews

When the gossip column in the LA newspaper suddenly starts posting the Gunners embarrasing secrets, the members stop trusting eachother, little do they know what's really happening...

Category: Guns n' Roses - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor - Published: 2008-10-19 - Updated: 2008-10-20 - 3182 words - Complete

Duff walked into the house and threw the daily newspaper on the floor. As the other band members looked up, he looked at each of them in a way that could only mean bad news, “Guys,” he started, “Come look at this.”

Slash stood up curiously, “At what?”

Duff thrust a finger out at the newspaper, “The gossip column. It’s about us.”

Slashed pick it up slowly and scanned through it, “Wow.” The corners of his lips turned up a bit, then, as he read on, he started covering up his giggles, “Wow.”

“What is it?” Izzy asked, reaching for the stack of papers.

Slash easily handed it over and watched as the quiet guitarist’s eyes moved across the cover of the paper.

It didn’t take long for Izzy’s cheek to turn a slight pink as he, too, started to chuckle, “Imagine that,” he started, looking up at Slash, “It’s a pretty cute image, you’ve got to admit.”

“What?” Axl asked, leaning over to see.

Izzy threw the paper at Steven before the redhead had a chance to see it. He, too, read over it and started laughing uncontrollably. Finally, after his fit was over, he tossed the paper at Axl, still snickering.

Axl grabbed it forcefully and impatiently started taking in what he was reading. His cheeks burned bright red as his eyes widened, “H-How did they know!?”

“Oh, so it’s true?” Izzy asked, raising an eyebrow.

Axl tossed the paper at the floor and glared at all of them, “If this gets out…”

“Hello, Ax, it’s already gotten out, it’s in the LA paper,” Steven laughed.

Axl quickly stood up and started running to his room. Right after he slammed the door shut, a familiar brunette walked in the doors of the trashed apartment.

“Hey guys,” Erin smiled easily, “Where’s Axl?”

“Hiding in shame,” Izzy smiled, handing the newspaper to Erin.

She read it aloud, as if to make sure she was reading it right, “Guns N Roses, the most dangerous band in the world. The ultimate ‘badass’ image of LA. But exactly how bad could a band be when their lead singer still sleeps with a stuffed toy? That’s right, the big, bad and legendary Axl Rose turns out to still have a bit of his childhood left. Wherever he goes, he doesn’t forget to bring his adorable stuffed bunny.”

Erin gasped as her eyes widened, “How did they find out about BoBo!?”

“Bobo?” Slash hooted.

“So you knew about this too?” Izzy chuckled, “God, he’s never going to be able to show his face in public again.”

“And it’s terrible,” Erin whimpered.

Duff nodded, “That’s what I said! Our entire image is ruined! Just think of the mockery we’re gonna get! Mötley Crüe looks tougher than us now! You know what, Poison looks tougher than us now!”

Izzy, Steven, and Slash stopped laughing and looked at each other, “Didn’t think about that…”

“Well,” Duff snapped, “There’s got to be something we can do about this!”

“First, though,” Erin interrupted, “How did they find out, exactly?”

“Well, obviously-“ Izzy was cut off as he thought about it, “…Actually, that’s a good point…how did they find out about it?”

Erin rolled her eyes, “That’s what I just said.”

Axl slowly walked out of the hallway, still staring at his shoes in disgrace, “My life is done. My entire badass image is ruined. What am I going to do…? Where am I going to go? I’ll have to work at McDonald’s for the rest of my life…”

Steven stared at him strangely, “Um, I don’t know about that one…”

“I can see it now. I’ll have to sing Welcome to McDonald’s instead of Welcome to the Jungle. And Sweet Child O’ Mine will be no more…”

“What!?” Erin exclaimed, “No way! That’s our song!”

Axl nodded, fake tears swelling up in his eyes, “I know, I know…and I’ll never be able to sing it again, it’ll bring back too many terrible memories…”

Erin looked at the other guys pleadingly, as if there was no way she could live with that, and they were the only ones who could save them.

Slash heaved out a sigh, “Now, now, Ax, that won’t happen. If the Beatles could get past saying they were bigger than Jesus, we’ll get by someone else writing that you sleep with a teddy bear.”

Axl looked up hopefully, “Really, you think so? Yeah, I guess you’re right, but what are we going to do?”

Izzy smiled slyly, “Nothing beats the GnR charm.”

“Yeah,” Duff nodded, “We’re like Madonna. We start the trends in rock ‘n’ roll!”

“Exactly,” Erin smiled, “Now go out there and save the band without promising to sleep with anybody!” she said cheerfully, eyeing Axl.

“Uh-oh…looks like we need to think up a new plan…” Izzy muttered.

Axl laughed, “No, I’ve got a great one as it is.”


And so this was how it came about that every teenage rocker was now seen walking around the streets with different types of stuffed animals in their arms. Yes, Axl had shown that he didn’t care about what the press said, and how only true rockers would have enough courage to rebel in a way like this. And with Slash nodding his head in approval, that was final, and the trend started. The teens also seemed to take quite a liking to them, hugging them and disposing out their thoughts of anarchy and stupid high school out to the little guys. All in all, the plan worked out pretty well.

“Well,” Axl grinned, putting his feet up on the table, “Once again, Axl Rose saves the day.”

“With Slash’s plan,” Izzy added.

“Except one little problem,” Duff replied, reading the paper (once again),” Looks like this anonymous writer isn’t giving up. Now they’re bashing on Izzy.”

Slash’s eyes widened, “You’re kidding me!” he said, grabbing the article out of his hands.

He read over it and sighed, “Well, guess they found out that you like to get your jeans from Limited Too.”

Izzy’s face turned beat read as he snatched it from his hands, “Oh…my…god…” he said as he read it, “Now everyone’s going to think I’m gay! Is it my fault that girls’ jeans happen to fit me a lot better?”

Axl shrugged, “Well, this can’t go well.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Erin stated, as Axl slipped his arm around her, “Doesn’t Vince Neil wear girls’ jeans too?”

“Probably,” Izzy replied, “But that just makes everything worse! Who wants to be compared to Vince Neil?”

“Good point. But I’m guessing Sebastian Bach does too,” Erin replied.

“And he’s pretty hardcore,” Axl added.

“I guess so, but they don’t shop from Limited Too. Or, atleast nobody knows they do,” Izzy said hopelessly.

“Well, who cares? Most likely, the most that will come out of this one is more publicity for Limited Too,” Duff tried.

“You know what, screw this newspaper stuff, let’s go out for some drinks,” Slash said happily, standing up and grabbing his keys.

“And as always, he’s the one who suggests it,” Duff joked, grabbing a coat off the hanger for Erin.

As they walked out of the apartment complex, a group of girls ran up to them (incase you were wondering, yes, they were both holding stuffed frogs), “Hey,” they cheered, “Are you guys Guns N Roses?!”

Duff smiled, “Yeah. What can we do for you?”

“Iz, is it true that you shop at Limited Too?” one of them squealed.

Izzy looked down sheepishly, “Only for jeans…”

“Oh my god!” the other one started, “That is like, so cool! It’s good to know a rock star finally understands how us girls think!”

“Yeah!” the one with partway-pink hair added, “I mean, how cute is that?”

Izzy smiled, “Really?”

“Sure! Can we hang out with you guys for a while, please, please, please?” they squealed.

Axl shrugged, “Sure.”

]Problem Number 2: Solved. Moving on to problem 3.[

“You know, guys,” Duff started as they sat at home, “About how that stuff got out…”

“Yeah,” Axl replied, “I mean, the only person who knew about BoBo was Erin…” Axl turned his glance to her, “Unless, of course, you told somebody…”

Erin glared at him, “You think I told somebody about BoBo!?”

Axl looked at the ceiling, “I’m not saying you told the newspaper, I’m just saying maybe you accidentally let it slip to one of your little friends…”

Erin gasped, “I can’t believe you’re accusing me of doing something like that! How could you even think about thinking about me spilling your secret!?”

“Erin, we all make mistakes, you just happened to make one that almost ruined my life,” Axl said as reasonably as he could.

Erin stood up in anger, “Axl, we’ve been dating for over a year now, I thought you would know me well enough to know I would never tell anybody any of your secrets!”

She quickly swung around and marched out the door.

Axl sighed, “Poor, naive little girl.”

“But you know what else…” Izzy started, “You guys were the only people who know where I shop.”

Steven’s mouth dropped open, “Are you saying we told the press?”

Izzy shrugged, “Did I say that?”

“Basically,” Duff replied, “Iz, why would we do that to you? We’re friends, remember?”

Izzy nodded, “That’s what I thought.”

“Izzy!” Axl yelled, “We’ve been best friends for thirteen years! And why would we tell anyone about that, anyways? That would ruin our image, remember?”

Izzy eyed him suspiciously, “Unless, of course, you wanted to ruin my image.”

“Ok, now you’re just being ridiculous.”

“Am I, Slash? Am I? Or maybe it was you who told!” Izzy remarked.

“What?” Slash glared at him, “Izzy, why would I do that?”

“Don’t ask me. Whatever sick reason you had, it didn’t work, so ha!” He yelled as he ran out of the room.

Everybody looked around the room at each other.

“You know,” Axl started slowly, “Izzy does have a point, we were the only people who knew…”

Steven nodded in agreement, “What if someone in this room was the one who told the editor about that stuff…”

Once again, they all looked at each other as different thoughts raced through their heads.

Axl glanced sideways towards Slash, “You know, Slash, you have been hanging around with Erin a lot lately…”

Slash’s mouth dropped open, “Are you trying to say that Erin told me about BoBo, and I told the press?”

“Well, maybe you tricked her into telling you something about me that would humiliate me.”

“Or maybe,” Slash countered, “You let it slip out of your own stupidity.”

Axl gasped, “Are you calling me stupid?”

“Technically, yes,” he shrugged.

“I can’t believe this!” Axl yelled as he stood up, “And I suppose you also think I let Izzy’s secret slip?”

“It’s highly possible,” he replied.

“Oh, ok. You may think you’re so smug, but I bet you told the press! I bet you were trying to make yourself look even cooler and badass-ier in comparison!”

“Axl, ‘badass-ier’ isn’t a word.”

The redhead immediately stomped to his room, where you could hear the door slam and a small click of a locking door behind him.

Slash shook his head as he went in the opposite direction towards the front door.

“Where are you going?” Duff asked.

“To get a drink,” he replied as he forcefully slammed the door shut.

Steven and Duff glanced at each other, wondering what to do.

“Either one of them is a really great actor, or they’re all innocent,” Duff sighed.

Steven nodded, “This sucks, everybody’s mad at one another. Stupid newspaper,” he muttered, kicking the week-old stack at his feet.

He instantly yelped and grabbed his foot, “Great, so now it’s hurting us physically, too.”

Duff sighed, “God, two of my best friends ever aren’t speaking to anyone else now.”

Steven glanced up from his foot, “Slash and Axl?”

“What? No! I was talking about Slash and Erin!” he replied quickly.

The ends of Steven’s mouth turned up a bit, “Hey, atleast we’re not fighting or accusing each other of anything.”

“Yeah,” Duff replied, putting an arm around him, “We both know this whole thing is retarded. But really, though. It does make you wonder who did it. I mean, those guys seem innocent enough, but we both know we didn’t do it.”

Steven shrugged, “For all we know, it could be some freaky stalker.”

They both looked at each other, Duff with wide eyes, “Thanks for putting that in my mind.”

He shrugged sheepishly, “Just a thought.”

They both looked around the room quickly and uncomfortably.

“You know,” Duff said quickly, “I’m gonna check around, you know, just in case.”

Steven nodded just as fast, “Good idea.”

Duff jumped up and ran around the room, looking behind curtains and under couches.

Steven got up too, looking around in cabinets and beneath cushions.

“Ok, dude,” Duff suddenly turned around, “This is even more ridiculous than accusing each other. I mean, why would a stalker be in a cabinet that we can’t even fit a condom box into?”

Steven nodded, “Yeah, you’re right.”

Duff threw himself on the couch, “Seriously though, how are the newspapers getting this stuff?”

Before Steven could respond, there was a knock on the door.

Steven cautiously walked over and looked through the peephole.

He opened the door slowly and smiled, “Hey, Iz.”

Izzy glared at him, “Just wanted to give you this,” he said, throwing the newspaper at him. A second later, he was gone.

Steven looked at the paper on the floor as if it was some sort of beast that would spring up at any second. He glanced up at Duff, who bit his lip and nodded.

He slowly picked it up and read through it. As Duff watched for his reaction, a huge smile broke out on his face.

“What?” Duff asked.

“Whoever this is,” he pointed at the column, “isn’t very smart. They’re done for.”

“Why?” he wondered. After Steven threw it to him and he had scanned through the article, though, he smiled and nodded in agreement.

“They tried to insult Slash?” Erin asked as she listened to the two blondes.

“Yup. I guess this problem is solved, then?” Duff smiled.

Erin kept her eyes on the article, “I just don’t understand who would be so stupid as to insult America’s sweetheart.”

Suddenly, Slash walked in the room, “I’m sorry, I had a sudden chill run up my spine. Nobody in this room called me America’s sweetheart, did they?”

Erin smiled and waved the paper in her hands, “Mr. Anonymous tried to insult the world’s most loved rock star. And now he’s screwed.”

“’The world’s most loved rock star’ being me?” he asked, taking the stack from her hands.

He read it and smiled, “Nobody’s gonna believe this.”

“I know! I mean, everyone knows you’re not into Duff,” Erin gleamed.

“At least, I hope you’re not,” Duff added, edging away.

Slash laughed, “Of course not, but we are best friends.”

Duff smiled and nodded, happy that his friends were back to normal.

Axl still sat there quiet, probably jealous that nobody would believe anything bad about Slash, “I don’t know, you guys seem pretty close. Who knows what you guys could be doing when we’re not here?”

Duff glared at him, “Ax, would you cut the crap. Get over your jealousy already, will you?”

“I’m not jealous,” he persisted, crossing his arms.

“Speaking of which,” Slash smiled, “I know who’s been writing this stuff in.”

Everyone jumped up and stared at him, “WHO?” they all said at once.

Slash smirked as he looked at Axl, “You know your little brunette friend?”

Axl narrowed his eyes in thought, then suddenly snapped back, “Erin! You told!?”

“What!?” she exclaimed, turning to Axl, “I did not!”

Slash rolled his eyes, “The other one.”

Axl was once again deep in though, slowly regaining ability to speak, he turned to Slash, “Sebastian?”

Slash grinned and nodded.

“What!? No way! He would never do something like that!” Axl yelled back.

“But he did. And by the way, it was you letting it slip from your own stupidity. You spilled about all of our secrets to him, thinking he was trustworthy. You told him how close Duff and me were, so that’s probably where he got the whole gay thing.”

Axl was still determined to stick up for his friend, “Why would he do that?”

“Because he wanted to seem- in your own words- ‘badass-ier in comparison’,” Slash replied.

“He’s my best friend! He wouldn’t do that!” Axl exclaimed.

Suddenly, Sebastian jumped out from behind the closet door, causing everyone but Slash to scream inn surprise, “But I did!”

Axl gasped, “Wh-What!? Why!?”

“Because,” he started, “Everyone thinks Guns N Roses is such an amazing band. It’s always ‘most dangerous band in the world’ this and ‘most dangerous band in the world’ that, and I’m sick of it!”

“Um, how did you get here?” Duff tried to squeeze in.

“So you tricked me into telling you about all my friends? But why? I thought you were my friend!” Axl whined.

“Bitch, please. The only friend I need is the lovely little press,” he smirked.

“Um, hello? How did you get in here?” Duff tried again.

“Well,” Slash interrupted, “The ‘lovely little press’ isn’t your friend anymore. Nobody’s going to believe your latest little story.”

Sebastian glared at him, “That may be true, but hear me, my good man, I will be prevailed, and I will destroy your little band, and that little girl, too!” he exclaimed, pointing at Erin.

She glared at him, “And of course, I’m compared to Scooby-Doo.”

The next moment, Sebastian was jumping out the window, screaming words of hatred back.

Axl looked around for a second, “Isn’t this a ten story building?”

Slash nodded, “Karma’s a bitch.”

“Don’t you have this weird feeling that we’re forgetting something?” Steven suddenly asked.

Erin nodded, “Yeah. But I’m sure it’s nothing.”

Meanwhile, Izzy was sitting outside, freezing to death and banging on the door. Little did naive little Izzy know, but he was ten floors beneath their room. Suddenly, there was a loud thump right beside him, and he turned to see a very twitchy Sebastian Bach lying beside him. He immediately started screaming and pounding on the door, yet no one answered.
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