Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses
Ain't It Fun?
7 reviewsThe members of Guns N' Roses are new to the music industry, full of talent... And low on money. They need to work to survive another night... Unfortunately, the only job available is probably the W...
4Funny
WARNING: This story involves “slight” cruelty to children.
There comes a point in every rock star’s life where they just aren’t getting enough money to live off of.
Usually this happens toward the beginning of their careers. When it happens after they’ve been performing for a while, they usually get the hint and go for a different career.
Luckily for the members of Guns N’ Roses, it happened toward the beginning for them.
This was good and bad for them. Good, because it meant they still had a shot at making it big. Bad, because, well, they still didn’t have any food.
“… Well, now what are we supposed to do?” Izzy wondered as they sat in the cheap, dirty hotel room that was currently the only living space they could afford.
“Well, we probably need to-“
Axl suddenly held up his hand, stopping Slash from finishing his sentence.
“Please, Slash.” He said meaningfully. “You’re about to say something realistic, and I REALLY can’t deal with reality right now…”
“Yeah.” Duff agreed sarcastically. “Isn’t it so awesome that we have that option?”
“I’m hungry…” Steven complained.
“Everyone’s hungry!” Izzy snapped. They all stared at him, wide eyed, and he smiled nervously. “Yeah, sorry… Lack of food makes me cranky… I’m hungry too, Steven.”
“Alright, so here’s the plan.” Axl decided. “We MAY have to resort to cannibalism. And if that happens… Well, sorry, Slash.”
“Whoa, wait one second!” Slash held his hands up defensively. “Why me?!”
“Because,” Axl replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, “You look the least like a human being out of all of us, so we’d feel more decent afterwards.”
Slash glared.
“He’s got a point, though.” Izzy agreed, glancing back and forth between Duff and Steven. “Slash does look pretty delicious. If we had to pick someone, don’t you think…?”
“Well, what about you, Axl?” Slash demanded. “Nobody likes you, so we wouldn’t be missing anything important.”
“He’s got a point.” Duff agreed.
“We’re eating Slash!” Axl decided… Forcefully.
“Axl!” Slash exclaimed.
“SLASH!!!” Axl and Izzy both yelled.
“AXL!!!” Slash and Duff argued.
Steven looked between them, sighing, as a chorus of “SLASH!!!” “AXL!!!” “SLASH!!!” “AXL!!!” “SLASH!!!” “AXL!!!” continued back and forth like a cheer at a college football game.
“Okay, this is ridiculous!” He suddenly exclaimed, stopping them in the middle of their argument. “We’re arguing over who’s going to go first if we resort to cannibalism! You know, it would be a hell of a lot easier to just GET JOBS!!!”
Dead silence.
“You know…” Duff started as if he were about to agree with Steven’s obvious logic.
“We could just eat Steven!” Axl exclaimed.
“He doesn’t have any friends, so nobody would notice he was missing!” Izzy agreed.
The three slowly approached as Steven backed into the corner.
“Uh… Wait just one second…” He defended nervously.
Suddenly, Slash ran in front of him. Axl, Izzy, and Duff, not too keen on the idea of picking a fight with the strongest member of the band, reluctantly backed up.
“No, Steven’s right!” Slash exclaimed. “We don’t need to resort to cannibalism, and none of us would have said anything so ridiculous if we weren’t starving right now!”
“Except for Axl.” Izzy pointed out, ignoring the glare from his best friend.
“Except for Axl.” Slash agreed. “The point is, we should all just get jobs… Just temporary ones… To keep us alive until our next concert. Okay?” He looked around, daring anybody to disagree.
Izzy and Duff nodded obediently. Axl only bowed his head in defeat.
“Alright, then.” Slash looked at the clock. “It’s 2:00pm right now, so if we all go look now, with any luck, we’ll have found jobs by the end of the night.”
And so, they all left…
… And came back, seven hours later.
Slash and Izzy in unison walked over and collapsed on the beds.
“Where the HELL did all the jobs go?!” Izzy demanded, his voice slightly muffled from the fact that his face was down in the pillows.
“I didn’t have any luck, either.” Duff admitted sadly.
“See? This is why we should have just eaten Steven before.” Axl turned to the unfortunate drummer. “Understand? We could have just eaten you before, when it would have been a quick death, but now we’re ravenous. Well, all the more unpleasant for you.”
“Wait, wait, wait!” Steven exclaimed, wide-eyed in terror. I found jobs for all of us!”
“Really?” Slash sat up, smiling. “Knew you’d pull through, Steven. So, what did you find?”
Ten hours later…
“… Okay, how about we just go back home and eat Steven?” Axl suggested.
“No.” Slash decided. “This is better than anything the rest of us found, in case you forgot.”
“But still…” Duff complained, “A MIDDLE SCHOOL??”
“Come on.” Slash ordered, dragging Axl. Duff and Izzy followed begrudgingly behind, and Steven followed as well, muttering a string of apologies as he went.
“Oh!” The severely over-weight apparent principal exclaimed happily when they came to the office. “You must be the substitute… Teachers…” She trailed off as she noticed their appearances. “Um… Wow. You all sure look… Different… From what I expected…”
“Yeah, and you sure look fatter than what I expected.” Axl snapped. Slash glared at him, and the principal pursed her lips.
“Well…” She muttered, sounding defensive before speaking up, “We need five substitute teachers, which is why you’re here. The original teachers will probably show up at random points throughout the day, so you won’t be stuck here too long. We need a P.E. teacher, a health teacher, an art teacher, a music teacher, and a social studies teacher. I’ll let you guys pick what you want… Steven, sweetie, would you like to pick first?”
“Sure.” Steven replied, smiling. “Can I teach art?”
“Of course!” She replied happily. “You’re in room 307.” As Steven left, the principal turned to Izzy. “What about you?”
“Oh, sweet!” Izzy exclaimed. “I pick music!”
“Alright, you’re in room 1064. You’re room’s next to the main building.” She turned to Slash. “What about you?”
“Um… P.E. I guess…” He shrugged.
“Alright, just go to the gym in the back.” She turned to Duff.
“Health?”
“Sure. Room 407.”
And now, Axl and the principal were the only ones in the room.
“So, I’m going to take it you did that on purpose to get back at me for the fat comment, huh?” Axl asked.
“Whatever are you talking about?” She asked mockingly. “Anyway, you have social studies, in room 613.”
“… And of course,” Axl threw his hands into the air, “I get the room with a ‘13’ in it. Just my luck… Pun not intended.”
“Well, that’s life.” She replied, not even pretending to be nice anymore.
“Mrs. Jones.” A girl around Axl’s age with long brown hair walked into the office. “I was wondering if it was… Against… The… Rules… To…” She trailed off as she caught sight of Axl. “God, no…”
“Erin?” He looked equally as shocked.
“What are you doing here?” She demanded.
“Trying not to resort to cannibalism.” He answered. At both her and the principal’s blank stares, he added, “Er… Never mind. What about you?”
“I work here.” She replied.
“You work?” He blinked in shock.
“Most people do.” She snapped.
“Erin, do you know this boy?” The principal finally asked.
“Um… Well… Yeah.” She admitted, hanging her head. “He’s… My boyfriend.”
“… Wow. She admitted it.” Axl commented. However, a glare from Erin shut him up.
“Oh, you poor girl.” Mrs. Jones held a hand to her heart. “You saint…”
“Wait, what’s that supposed to mean?!” Axl demanded.
“Didn’t I tell you to go to your room?” Mrs. Jones snapped. Grumbling, Axl left the room as Mrs. Jones turned back to Erin.
-Art-
Steven entered the classroom, and all the students looked up.
“Oh my God!” A girl exclaimed. “Mrs. Ryals isn’t here today!!!”
“HOORAY!!!” The rest of the class exclaimed.
“… I take it Mrs. Ryals isn’t that great a teacher?” Steven guessed.
“She calls us by our last names.” A boy complained.
“And speaks like a robot.” Another added.
“She makes us sketch circles EVERY DAY.” The first girl said.
“She’s a work of the devil!” Some voice with an unidentifiable source called.
“… You poor kids.” Steven’s eyes went wide. “That’s so horrible… Well, we should work on your recovery.” He went over and wrote his name, ‘STEVEN ADLER’ in big, bold, red letters on the board. “That’s me. You guys can call me Steven… And today…” He looked thoughtful. “Well, what do you guys want to do?”
“… PAINT FIGHT!!!” They all exclaimed at the same time.
And so, blobs and squirts of paint started flying around the room, making it look much more colorful… And… Entertaining. Of course, Steven should have stopped them, but it all looked way too fun, so he just joined in.
-Music-
“Alrighty…” Izzy walked into the classroom and sat on the chair in the front of the classroom. The rest of the students sat at the ground.
“… You don’t look like Mr. Fuller…” A small boy with glasses complained.
“Well, that’s just too damn bad, now isn’t it?” Izzy asked, leaning forward. The boy whimpered and backed up. “Alright,” Izzy continued, “So, what are we supposed to do, today?”
“Well, we were listening to a CD.” A girl replied.
“Okay… This one?” Izzy picked up a painfully boring-looking gray CD sitting very obviously in front of the CD player. When the kids nodded in agreement, he played it and laid back in his chair.
Instantly, the music of Mozart or Bach or something like that started playing. The kids shuddered, except for the previously mentioned glasses-boy, who seemed to be enjoying himself.
“… WHAT IS THIS CRAP?!” Izzy demanded about fifteen seconds into it. He opened the CD player and took the monstrosity out, throwing it on the ground and stomping on it repeatedly until it was nothing but little shards of glass.
The kids exchanged glances, and grins started spreading across their faces as Izzy took off his hat and took a CD out from under it.
“Alright, how many of you kids ever heard of Led Zeppelin?” He asked.
The majority of students raised their hands, grins widening. Some looked slightly confused, and the glasses boy gasped.
“My mother said that music was the work of the devil!” He exclaimed in horror.
“… What’s your name?” Izzy asked, staring blankly at the kid.
“Edwin…” The kid replied weakly.
“Okay.” Izzy turned on the obviously much better CD. “Alright, kids. This is Edwin. For the rest of the class, he’s going to be your stress-relief punching bag.”
“Nooooooo!!!” Edwin whined, running to into the corner while the rest of the kids, pumped up by Immigrant Song approached him with huge grins and demonic eyes.
“This subbing thing is easier than I thought.” Izzy decided, ignoring Edwin’s screams and squeals for help as he sat back in his chair and relaxed.
-P.E.-
Slash walked into the gym, and immediately all the kids looked up.
“Hey, there.” Slash raised his hat slightly and looked around the room. “I’m your substitute teacher today. My name’s Slash.”
“Slash?” A girl raised an eyebrow.
“Slash.” He verified.
“Do you have a last name?” She asked.
“Not that you need to know about.”
“EWW!!!” Some very snobby-looking boy exclaimed. “HE’S BLACK!!!!”
Slash looked over at him, somewhere between amused and annoyed.
“… Alright…” He said after a minute. “You, you, you, you, and you…” He pointed to five particularly offended and angry looking kids. “You go sit around the guy who just said that, and I’m not looking over there for the next twenty minutes.”
The kids were more than happy to go over to the now terrified snob.
“Alright, any other questions?” He turned to the not preoccupied students.
“Where’s Mr. Weingarten?” Another girl asked.
“Don’t know, don’t care.” Slash replied bluntly. “Anybody else?” A boy in the back raised his hand. “Yes?”
“Can I go sit with them?” He asked, pointing over to where the other kids were beating the hell out of the snob.
“… How many people want to go ‘sit’ with them?” Slash asked, looking around the gym, where everyone was raising their hands.
“… Alright, then.” He decided. “I’m going to have to run an errand for the next fifteen minutes. Just to make sure you’re all safe, I’m going to lock the door on the way out.”
And so he left, locking the door despite the constant cries and pleas for mercy from the racist brat.
-Health-
Duff was probably the only one out of all of them who had actually come to his classroom on time. The kids all came and sat down in the classroom, looking curious. After he figured they were all probably there, he stood up.
“Alright,” He said, walking to the front of the classroom. “My name’s Duff McKagan. You can call me Duff, because if you call me ‘Mr. McKagan, I’m going to kick your ass.”
The kids’ eyes all widened, which Duff noticed.
“… And I’m going to take it this is one of those schools that doesn’t allow ‘profanity’…” He sighed. “Alright, then. Not only will I kick your ass if you call me ‘Mr. McKagan’, but also if you tell ANYBODY who works at this school or any parents anything that I’m saying. Understand?”
The kids all nodded mutely, looking terrified. A few small whimpers escaped from the crowd.
“Cool. Then today,” He took out the list of notes the teacher, Mrs. Mueller, had left. “Today, we are going to talk about drugs and alcohol, and how they will ruin your life.” He raised an eyebrow, but kept reading. “Alcohol not only dulls your senses and slows your reaction time, but causes you to think less rationally, destroys your liver, kills brain cells, and…” He trailed off, looking up at the students. “Is this what they’ve been telling you?”
The kids, still terrified, all nodded mutely.
“THAT’S BULLSHIT!” He exclaimed, hitting the wall and making them all jump. “If alcohol slowed your reaction time, then would bar fights be so fucking awesome?! If it was the thing that made you think less rationally, then only people who were already drunk would get drunk! And that whole ‘destroys your liver, kills brain cells, causes death’ shit! If that were true, not only would I be dead, but Slash would have been LONG gone!”
The students’ eyes were still wide, but now it was mostly with shock as opposed to fear. A few of them were actually nodding encouragingly.
“… You don’t get it.” He decided, looking around. “Probably because you’re not the legal drinking age… Okay, how many people here have actually gotten drunk before?”
Nobody raised their hands.
“… I’m not going to snitch on you.” He crossed his arms. “Do I look like I would? And if anyone else tries, I’ll kick their ass, so you’re safe.”
A few of their kids finally raised their hands.
“… Only that many?!” He demanded. “Wow, the world sure has changed since I was in middle school… Okay… You.” He pointed to a random blonde girl. “What’s your name?”
“Stephanie Powell…” She replied quietly.
“Right… Alright.” He turned to the rest of the class. “I have to go get something, to… Uh… Help you understand the topic… Yeah. Until I get back, Stephanie’s in charge.”
And so he, very irresponsibly, walked out of the room.
-Social Studies-
It was about twenty minutes into class, and most the kids were just about ready to ditch, when Axl finally walked in, carrying a box half-full of donuts, with another sticking out of his mouth. He looked blankly at the students, who stared equally as blankly back, and walked over to write ‘AXL ROSE’ on the board. He then went and sat down at the desk and started devouring donuts.
“… Who are you?” A kid asked after a minute.
Axl rolled his eyes and pointed to the name on the board.
“Axl’s not a real name.” Some boy argued decisively.
Axl swallowed the donut and stared at the boy.
“It is if I say it is.” He replied, stuffing another donut into his mouth.
“And are you twenty minutes late to class because you wanted to go get donuts?” He demanded, smirking.
“Yes.” Axl replied bluntly. “What of it?”
“That’s pretty stupid.” The boy’s smirk faltered slightly at Axl’s obvious lack of concern.
“You know,” Axl commented, raising an eyebrow. “You really should stop being such a piss-off, because one of these days, somebody bigger than you is going to get sick of it.”
“Like you?” The boy asked sarcastically, raising an eyebrow.
“Like me.” Axl verified.
“What are you going to do?” The boy asked. “You can’t touch me, or my parents will sue you.”
“Honestly, I doubt they’d care.”
The rest of the students, by now, were staring back and forth between them as they spoke. No doubt, this was much more entertaining than their normal first period social studies class.
“And why’s your hair so long, anyway?” The boy asked, changing the subject. “You look like a girl.”
“…” Axl stood up and walked over to the boy’s desk, staring down at him, the difference in height painfully apparent. “What’s your name, kid?”
“Skye Congdon.” The boy replied, crossing his arm and smirking again.
“Huh.” Axl crossed his arms and smirked too, obviously mocking him. “You know, if I was a guy with a name like “Skye”, I wouldn’t be trying to pick fights with people.” Finally, Skye frowned.
“As opposed to “Axl?” Yeah, that’s kind of OBVIOUSLY fake. I bet your real name’s like… “William” or something gay like that.” Axl visibly twitched. “Oh, did I strike a nerve?” Skye asked mockingly.
Axl suddenly picked up Skye, who started squealing like a little pig being dragged off to the butchery, walked over to the window, and threw him out easily. The kids ran over and stared out, watching him fly into the distance.
“Alright,” Axl finally said once the kids had turned back to him, some shocked, some horrified, but most grinning. “So, what are we supposed to be learning today?”
-Art-
By now the entire room was just a giant blob of multicolored paint, but the kids were still going at it… Well, technically, so was Steven.
Suddenly, the door opened. Kids and sub alike all turned in wide eyed fear as they saw a lady with many wrinkles and gray hair pulled back in a tight knot at the back of her head.
“What in the name of heaven is going on here?!” She demanded, her voice like fingernails on a chalkboard.
“IT’S MRS. RYALS!!!” A kid exclaimed, causing the rest to scream in terror as her expression changed from shock to fury.
“Oh, when Mrs. Jones hears about this!” She shrieked, turning to go to the office. However, before she got out, Steven ran over, closing and locking the door.
“Attack, my minions!” He ordered.
Immediately, all the paint covered kids dove off of tables, desks, and chairs, sliding over and tackling an obviously furious, screaming Mrs. Ryals to the ground. Once they had subdued her, they wrapped ropes no doubt meant for some art project later on around her, picking her up and throwing her into the closet, which they locked.
“… So, where were we?” Steven asked with a grin, once Mrs. Ryals was out of the way.
-Music-
“Alright…” Izzy smiled at the students. The CD was running, now on The Ocean, and Edwin was a bloody, quivering pulp in the corner. “So… What should we do, now?”
A quiet-looking girl raised her hand.
“Yes?” Izzy asked.
“Can we break stuff?” She asked.
“Great idea!” Izzy exclaimed. Then, turning to the rest of the students, he explained, “Alright, our goal for today is to break everything lame in this classroom! That means books, classical music crap, that ugly wall over there, nerd like Edwin… Yeah, they’ve all gotta go.”
The kids, screaming in happiness, ran over and began destroying everything in the classroom.
Therefore, none of them noticed when the door opened, Erin standing there.
“Hey, I came to…” Her eyes widened. “Izzy?? What are you doing here?”
“Subbing.” Izzy replied, leaning against the wall, crossing his arms, and smiling. “What’s up, Erin?”
“Um… Nothing, but…” She looked around at the classroom. “The kids are destroying stuff and… IS THAT A PERSON?!” She ran over to the corner. “Oh… It’s just Edwin…” She shook her head as she walked over to Izzy. “I hate that kid… Always gloating about his grades even if nobody cares… He’s really stuck up, though he pretends to be good when subs are around… Anyway… I didn’t think you would be subbing.” She smiled. “It’s actually really weird, because Axl… Was… Too…” She trailed off as Izzy nodded encouragingly.
“DO YOU HAVE THE ENTIRE BAND HERE?!” She demanded in horror.
“Conceivably.” Izzy agreed.
“Oh my God…” Her eyes widened, and she ran out of the classroom.
“See ya, Erin!” Izzy called, waving and closing the door behind her.
-P.E.-
Slash walked back in, unlocking and opening the door. Other than a few splotches of blood on the ground, there was no trace of the kid that had just been brutally murdered.
“Alright then.” He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. “What kind of stuff do you guys do in here?”
“We’re slaves to Mr. Weingarten.” A boy whined.
“Oh, that’s just an over-exaggeration.” Slash argued, rolling his eyes.
“He makes us clean the gym for him every day…” A girl whimpered.
“… Really?” Slash blinked.
“He gives us impossible stuff to do, and if we can’t do it, he makes us do two-hundred push-ups…” A voice piped up from the back of the gym. The rest of the students nodded in agreement.
“… That son of a bitch!” Slash exclaimed irritably. “Pardon my language…”
“He’ll be back, in a few minutes…” The first boy whined. “His car just pulled in…”
“… Okay, I have an idea.” Slash walked over and stood behind the door. “I’ll watch from here, he shouldn’t be able to see me, and after I make sure you guys are telling the truth, I’ll beat the hell out of him, okay?”
“YAY!!!!” All the students exclaimed at the same time.
However, at that moment, a man who could only be Mr. Weingarten walked in, looking like the devil himself.
“What are you cheering about?!” He snapped.
“Nothing sir…” They all muttered in unison.
“Didn’t think so.” He crossed his arms. “Now, I want each of you to run five miles around the gym. That’s sixty laps. Go!”
“Alright, this is bullshit.” Slash decided, coming out from behind the door.
“… Who the hell are you?!” Mr. Weingarten demanded.
“My name’s Slash.” He replied, raising his hat in mock-politeness. “Nice to meet you.”
All the students cheered. Mr. Weingarten glared over at them, but with Slash in the room, they didn’t even pay attention.
“I will not have this kind of disrespect in my own classroom!” The obnoxious teacher exclaimed.
“This isn’t a classroom, smartass.” Slash pointed out.
“Watch yourself.” Mr. Weingarten pointed to the guitarist, his mouth thinning and his eyes bulging.
“Scary.” Slash commented, walking over and punching the teacher in the face. He skidded five feet back, causing an eruption of cheers from the students.
“Why you little…” Mr. Weingarten walked back over, teeth gritted, and punched Slash in the chest. However, Slash just stared blankly at his fist.
“… Wow… That was pretty pathetic…” He commented. He then spun around and kicked the teacher in the stomach, sending him flying completely across the room and spreading cracks through the wall where he hit.
“… Okay, class is over.”
All the students, cheering, ran out of the classroom. Unfortunately, they had all found a new role model.
“… I wonder how badly Axl’s screwed up…” Slash commented, walking away and definitely not realizing that he had screwed up as well.
-Health-
Luckily for Stephanie, Duff didn’t take too long to come back into the classroom. However, unfortunately for any parents or adults who would later find out, he was dragging a cooler with him.
“Alright. Here’s your assignment for the day.” He opened the cooler, revealing the massive amounts of beer, vodka, rum, whiskey, and other wonderful obviously alcoholic drinks inside. “We see who can drink the most without blacking out or puking. You guys good?”
“Isn’t this illegal?” A kid asked.
“Isn’t this illegal?” Duff repeated mockingly. “Oh no, what are we going to do? What if somebody tells our mommies? Get the fuck OVER it.” He threw a can of beer at the kid. “Lighten up, dude. Relax.”
The kid shrugged and opened the can, taking a sip of the contents.
“This is nasty!” He exclaimed, not at all used to the taste of alcohol.
“Don’t take it in sips, retard!” Duff ordered. “You have to gulp it down!” He then turned to the rest of the class as the kid followed his instructions. “Alright, after we’ve moved the desks to the walls so that we have room in the middle of the class, you can all take your pick. Any questions?”
The kids immediately jumped up, moving everything out of the way and grabbing the drinks.
“… Wow, this teaching thing is a lot easier than I thought it would be.” Duff commented, taking a bottle of vodka out of the cooler for himself.
-Social Studies-
“Why do you all look so damned freaked out?” Axl wondered, staring at the kids after finishing the last of his donuts.
“You just threw Skye out the window…” A boy reminded weakly.
“Was he your friend?” Axl wondered, raising an eyebrow and considering throwing this boy out as well depending on his answer.
“No…” He admitted. “Actually, he was a jerk… But it was still kind of… Scary.”
“Wimps…” Axl muttered. “God, this is frustrating… Where’s the pot when you need it?”
All the kids looked confused.
“You know…” He glanced around as if they were idiots. “Pot… Weed… Dope… Reefer… Mary Jane… Boom… Grass… Skunk… Ganja…”
They looked more confused yet.
“… Marijuana.” He finally said, bluntly. “Drugs, people, drugs!”
“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..” They all said in unison.
“Yeah…” He sighed with relief. “I thought you guys were really that far gone… You need to work on learning street names, okay?”
“Well, how should we know all those names, if we’ve never even seen the stuff before?” A girl demanded.
Axl’s mouth dropped open in shock.
“Whoa! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!!! You mean you guys have never even seen pot before?!”
“Obviously.” A few people said at the same time. Others nodded in agreement.
“… So you’ve never smoked it, either?!” His eyes widened. “Oh, you poor, poor deprived kids… Don’t worry, it’s not too late to fix your lives.” He got up. “I got to go out to my car for a second, so nobody die or anything, okay?”
Before waiting for a response, he ran out to what was, in actuality, Slash’s car. The kids glanced at each other nervously, but Axl was back in less than five minutes, holding a conspicuous, large bag of something brown, a smaller bag of what seemed to be shredded paper, and a couple of lighters.
“Alright.” He ordered, “All of you, get in line.”
-Art-
“We’re out of paint!” A girl complained.
“Darn…” Steven sighed. “Okay, what should we do, now?”
“… Can we use ink?” A voice came from the back of the class.
“Good idea!” Steven agreed. “Alright, so now we use ink!”
“There are only two colors…” A boy complained. “Red and black.”
“… Okay, then how about we have teams?” Steven suggested. “Red vs. Black?”
“Sure!” All the kids exclaimed.
“Alright!” Steven agreed. “I’ll be on the black team. Split it up evenly, okay?”
Suddenly, the door opened. They all turned at the same time to see Erin standing there.
“What’s going on?” She asked, sounding less surprised than she probably would have if she hadn’t already seen Axl and Izzy at the school. At this point, she was expecting pretty much anything.
“We’re having an ink fight.” Steven replied, smiling, apparently not realizing what a bad sub he was being. “Do you want to play?”
“… I guess this isn’t that bad.” Erin looked inside. “A little messy, but nobody’s getting killed or drunk or high or anything… Alright. Bye, Steven.”
She closed the door. Steven would probably have been confused if this had happened some other time, but at this point he was preoccupied with an ink fight.
-Music-
“What’s wrong?” Izzy wondered, looking across the faces of the students, which looked oddly crestfallen.
“Mr. Fuller’s coming back, soon…” A boy (who had ended up looking similar to Jani Lane at some point during their little party) complained.
“Really?” Izzy looked a little depressed as well… He had been having fun.
“He said he’d be back around 10:30.” A girl whined.
Izzy looked up at the clock. It was currently 10:25.
“… Alright, how about this…” He turned back to the kids. “When Mr. Fuller comes in, we beat him down with one of the legs of that table that we broke until he’s unconscious, tie him up with the curtains we shredded, lock him in the closet, and then get the hell out of the school.
“YEAH!!!” They all exclaimed.
As if on cue, a man with graying hair and a beard walked into the room.
“What happened here?!” He demanded.
“This is what you get, you classical music loving freak!” A kid exclaimed, picking up one of the legs from the table and knocking him out with it. Three other kids picked up the other legs and assisted with the beat-down until Mr. Fuller was bloody and unconscious on the ground.
Izzy walked over, picked him up, slung him over his shoulder, and threw him in the closet, locking it behind him and propping a chair up against it.
“Now!” He exclaimed, “Run, children! RUN!!!”
And they did.
-Health-
“Alright… Duff’s responsible enough not to do something THAT stupid… Right?” Erin asked herself as she approached the health classroom. So far, she didn’t have too much to be hopeful about… The others had pretty much screwed up everything they possibly could.
She finally reached the room. She threw the door opened, and stopped, eyes widening and mouth dropping open.
The first noticeable thing, as soon as the door was open, the stench of alcohol flew out everywhere within ten feet of the door. Duff was obviously drunk, as he was singing Welcome To The Jungle completely off-tune. Judging by the fact that the kids were dancing on tables, singing along, and using the water-slide in the middle of the room that for some reason was using alcohol instead of water, they were probably drunk, too.
“… DUFF!!!” Erin exclaimed, visibly twitching.
“Eriiiiiiin!” Duff stopped his singing and grinned. “Wassup, giiiirl?”
“What the hell happened, here?!” She demanded. “You didn’t just randomly give a bunch of kids alcohol, did you?!”
“C’moooonnnnn Errrr…” He rolled his eyes, speech completely slurred. “Wouldja stap bein’ suscha killjuay?”
“… Come on.” She grabbed him by the ear, ignoring his complaints, and dragged him out of the room.
-Social Studies-
“Okay, I have a question!” A kid exclaimed, eyes drooping, but a huge smile on his face. “Where’d Slash get his hat from?”
“I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW THAT!” Axl replied. “He won’t tell me, though… He just stares… And says something… But I don’t know what… Why should I care, I asks him… He says something about I just asked or somethin’… Ha ha… Ha… HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHA!!!” He suddenly burst into very dramatic laughter, which was joined by the children.
“Mister Rose!” A girl exclaimed, raising her hand, equally as drugged as the rest of them.
“Wassup?” He asked, leaning against the wall.
“How come your hair’s so shiny?” She demanded… Or tried, to… She was a bit too out of it to actually demand… “How’d you get it like that?”
“Years of practice.” He replied, though the answer CLEARLY didn’t make any sense. “Years of practice… I’ll tell you a secret, though… Cucumbers on the eyes reduce swelling.”
“WOW...” They all widened their droopy eyes as much as they could, though normally none of them would have really cared.
“Are we allowed to drink alcohol?” A boy asked, lying spread out on the ground.
“Only if you have a fake ID… Or if you’re not going to get caught.” Axl answered, tripping over his own feet on the way around his desk.
“Ooh… Ahh… Ohh… Excellent!” They all said in unison.
“Yeah…” Axl smiled, “You kids are okay, you know that?”
As he said it, he collapsed on the ground.
-Hallway-
As Erin dragged Duff through the hallway, toward her ultimate goal of the social studies classroom, he seemed to sober up a little at a time.
“Erin, what’s going on?” He asked after a few minutes, sounding sleepy.
“You don’t remember giving a bunch of kids alcohol?” She snapped.
“I would never do anything of the sort.” He defended. However, the argument was weak, because he kind of did remember bringing the cooler in…
“Uh-huh.” She let go of his ear, turning around, crossing her arms, and glaring at him. “What were you thinking?!”
“I don’t know.” He admitted, hanging his head. “I’m sorry…”
“Whoa, what’s going on here?” Slash asked, walking over to them.
“Duff gave a bunch of kids alcohol.” Erin explained darkly.
“DUFF!!!” Slash glared at the blonde.
“I already said I’m sorry…” Duff muttered, crossing his arms. “What more do you want from me?”
“… Come to think of it…” Erin turned to Slash, raising an eyebrow. “What are you doing out here? You were subbing too, right? Your class can’t possibly be over yet…”
“I dismissed it early.” He replied with a shrug.
“You can’t do that!” Erin exclaimed.
“Oh.” He looked thoughtful. “… Couldn’t you have told me that ten minutes ago?”
“Well, we all thought you would have known already.” Izzy snapped hypocritically, suddenly standing behind them.
Erin, Duff, and Slash all turned and stared blankly at him at the same time.
“… Alright, fine.” He hung his head. “I did too… But I knocked out the teacher and locked him in the closet first…”
Erin buried her face in her hands.
“Sorry, Erin…” Slash patted her gently on the back. “We really don’t know what we’re doing…”
“I know…” She sounded extremely hopeless. “That’s the problem. You guys screwed up this much… And you’re more responsible than Axl. I’m actually scared to go see what he’s done…”
Slash sighed.
“I don’t think we have a choice.”
-Social Studies-
Well, eventually they came to the last classroom…
“I don’t know if I can look…” Erin complained.
“I will.” Izzy walked over and swung the door open, looking inside. “Hey, it’s not bad at all!” He exclaimed. “They’re all asleep!”
“Really?” Erin asked hopefully.
“Either that or dead!”
“Shit…” She muttered, crossing her arms and staring at the ground.
Slash walked over and looked inside as well.
“… Probably dead…” He admitted, “Considering the fact that THERE’S MARIJUANA EVERYWHERE.”
“Yeah, God’s really pissed at me over something.” Erin decided.
“… Slash, could you carry him out to the car?” Izzy asked.
“Sure.” Slash walked in the classroom, and picked up Axl, who was thankfully in a drug-induced sleep. He then walked down the hall, and down the stairs out to the car that actually belonged to him, where he didn’t know Axl usually kept his drugs.
“Whoa, wait, you guys are just leaving all of this?” Erin demanded in horror.
“Uh… It’s either that or get caught.” Izzy pointed out. “Sorry, I vote for just leaving all of this.”
“You know they’ll catch you.” She crossed her arms. “I actually work here. I have responsibilities. I can’t just let you ditch this mess you guys made.”
Dead silence.
Duff hit Erin on the back of the head with a chair… God knows where he got that… And Izzy swung her over his shoulder.
“So, you going to get our money on the way out?” He asked Duff.
“Yeah.” The blonde agreed. “Meet you at the car.”
There comes a point in every rock star’s life where they just aren’t getting enough money to live off of.
Usually this happens toward the beginning of their careers. When it happens after they’ve been performing for a while, they usually get the hint and go for a different career.
Luckily for the members of Guns N’ Roses, it happened toward the beginning for them.
This was good and bad for them. Good, because it meant they still had a shot at making it big. Bad, because, well, they still didn’t have any food.
“… Well, now what are we supposed to do?” Izzy wondered as they sat in the cheap, dirty hotel room that was currently the only living space they could afford.
“Well, we probably need to-“
Axl suddenly held up his hand, stopping Slash from finishing his sentence.
“Please, Slash.” He said meaningfully. “You’re about to say something realistic, and I REALLY can’t deal with reality right now…”
“Yeah.” Duff agreed sarcastically. “Isn’t it so awesome that we have that option?”
“I’m hungry…” Steven complained.
“Everyone’s hungry!” Izzy snapped. They all stared at him, wide eyed, and he smiled nervously. “Yeah, sorry… Lack of food makes me cranky… I’m hungry too, Steven.”
“Alright, so here’s the plan.” Axl decided. “We MAY have to resort to cannibalism. And if that happens… Well, sorry, Slash.”
“Whoa, wait one second!” Slash held his hands up defensively. “Why me?!”
“Because,” Axl replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, “You look the least like a human being out of all of us, so we’d feel more decent afterwards.”
Slash glared.
“He’s got a point, though.” Izzy agreed, glancing back and forth between Duff and Steven. “Slash does look pretty delicious. If we had to pick someone, don’t you think…?”
“Well, what about you, Axl?” Slash demanded. “Nobody likes you, so we wouldn’t be missing anything important.”
“He’s got a point.” Duff agreed.
“We’re eating Slash!” Axl decided… Forcefully.
“Axl!” Slash exclaimed.
“SLASH!!!” Axl and Izzy both yelled.
“AXL!!!” Slash and Duff argued.
Steven looked between them, sighing, as a chorus of “SLASH!!!” “AXL!!!” “SLASH!!!” “AXL!!!” “SLASH!!!” “AXL!!!” continued back and forth like a cheer at a college football game.
“Okay, this is ridiculous!” He suddenly exclaimed, stopping them in the middle of their argument. “We’re arguing over who’s going to go first if we resort to cannibalism! You know, it would be a hell of a lot easier to just GET JOBS!!!”
Dead silence.
“You know…” Duff started as if he were about to agree with Steven’s obvious logic.
“We could just eat Steven!” Axl exclaimed.
“He doesn’t have any friends, so nobody would notice he was missing!” Izzy agreed.
The three slowly approached as Steven backed into the corner.
“Uh… Wait just one second…” He defended nervously.
Suddenly, Slash ran in front of him. Axl, Izzy, and Duff, not too keen on the idea of picking a fight with the strongest member of the band, reluctantly backed up.
“No, Steven’s right!” Slash exclaimed. “We don’t need to resort to cannibalism, and none of us would have said anything so ridiculous if we weren’t starving right now!”
“Except for Axl.” Izzy pointed out, ignoring the glare from his best friend.
“Except for Axl.” Slash agreed. “The point is, we should all just get jobs… Just temporary ones… To keep us alive until our next concert. Okay?” He looked around, daring anybody to disagree.
Izzy and Duff nodded obediently. Axl only bowed his head in defeat.
“Alright, then.” Slash looked at the clock. “It’s 2:00pm right now, so if we all go look now, with any luck, we’ll have found jobs by the end of the night.”
And so, they all left…
… And came back, seven hours later.
Slash and Izzy in unison walked over and collapsed on the beds.
“Where the HELL did all the jobs go?!” Izzy demanded, his voice slightly muffled from the fact that his face was down in the pillows.
“I didn’t have any luck, either.” Duff admitted sadly.
“See? This is why we should have just eaten Steven before.” Axl turned to the unfortunate drummer. “Understand? We could have just eaten you before, when it would have been a quick death, but now we’re ravenous. Well, all the more unpleasant for you.”
“Wait, wait, wait!” Steven exclaimed, wide-eyed in terror. I found jobs for all of us!”
“Really?” Slash sat up, smiling. “Knew you’d pull through, Steven. So, what did you find?”
Ten hours later…
“… Okay, how about we just go back home and eat Steven?” Axl suggested.
“No.” Slash decided. “This is better than anything the rest of us found, in case you forgot.”
“But still…” Duff complained, “A MIDDLE SCHOOL??”
“Come on.” Slash ordered, dragging Axl. Duff and Izzy followed begrudgingly behind, and Steven followed as well, muttering a string of apologies as he went.
“Oh!” The severely over-weight apparent principal exclaimed happily when they came to the office. “You must be the substitute… Teachers…” She trailed off as she noticed their appearances. “Um… Wow. You all sure look… Different… From what I expected…”
“Yeah, and you sure look fatter than what I expected.” Axl snapped. Slash glared at him, and the principal pursed her lips.
“Well…” She muttered, sounding defensive before speaking up, “We need five substitute teachers, which is why you’re here. The original teachers will probably show up at random points throughout the day, so you won’t be stuck here too long. We need a P.E. teacher, a health teacher, an art teacher, a music teacher, and a social studies teacher. I’ll let you guys pick what you want… Steven, sweetie, would you like to pick first?”
“Sure.” Steven replied, smiling. “Can I teach art?”
“Of course!” She replied happily. “You’re in room 307.” As Steven left, the principal turned to Izzy. “What about you?”
“Oh, sweet!” Izzy exclaimed. “I pick music!”
“Alright, you’re in room 1064. You’re room’s next to the main building.” She turned to Slash. “What about you?”
“Um… P.E. I guess…” He shrugged.
“Alright, just go to the gym in the back.” She turned to Duff.
“Health?”
“Sure. Room 407.”
And now, Axl and the principal were the only ones in the room.
“So, I’m going to take it you did that on purpose to get back at me for the fat comment, huh?” Axl asked.
“Whatever are you talking about?” She asked mockingly. “Anyway, you have social studies, in room 613.”
“… And of course,” Axl threw his hands into the air, “I get the room with a ‘13’ in it. Just my luck… Pun not intended.”
“Well, that’s life.” She replied, not even pretending to be nice anymore.
“Mrs. Jones.” A girl around Axl’s age with long brown hair walked into the office. “I was wondering if it was… Against… The… Rules… To…” She trailed off as she caught sight of Axl. “God, no…”
“Erin?” He looked equally as shocked.
“What are you doing here?” She demanded.
“Trying not to resort to cannibalism.” He answered. At both her and the principal’s blank stares, he added, “Er… Never mind. What about you?”
“I work here.” She replied.
“You work?” He blinked in shock.
“Most people do.” She snapped.
“Erin, do you know this boy?” The principal finally asked.
“Um… Well… Yeah.” She admitted, hanging her head. “He’s… My boyfriend.”
“… Wow. She admitted it.” Axl commented. However, a glare from Erin shut him up.
“Oh, you poor girl.” Mrs. Jones held a hand to her heart. “You saint…”
“Wait, what’s that supposed to mean?!” Axl demanded.
“Didn’t I tell you to go to your room?” Mrs. Jones snapped. Grumbling, Axl left the room as Mrs. Jones turned back to Erin.
-Art-
Steven entered the classroom, and all the students looked up.
“Oh my God!” A girl exclaimed. “Mrs. Ryals isn’t here today!!!”
“HOORAY!!!” The rest of the class exclaimed.
“… I take it Mrs. Ryals isn’t that great a teacher?” Steven guessed.
“She calls us by our last names.” A boy complained.
“And speaks like a robot.” Another added.
“She makes us sketch circles EVERY DAY.” The first girl said.
“She’s a work of the devil!” Some voice with an unidentifiable source called.
“… You poor kids.” Steven’s eyes went wide. “That’s so horrible… Well, we should work on your recovery.” He went over and wrote his name, ‘STEVEN ADLER’ in big, bold, red letters on the board. “That’s me. You guys can call me Steven… And today…” He looked thoughtful. “Well, what do you guys want to do?”
“… PAINT FIGHT!!!” They all exclaimed at the same time.
And so, blobs and squirts of paint started flying around the room, making it look much more colorful… And… Entertaining. Of course, Steven should have stopped them, but it all looked way too fun, so he just joined in.
-Music-
“Alrighty…” Izzy walked into the classroom and sat on the chair in the front of the classroom. The rest of the students sat at the ground.
“… You don’t look like Mr. Fuller…” A small boy with glasses complained.
“Well, that’s just too damn bad, now isn’t it?” Izzy asked, leaning forward. The boy whimpered and backed up. “Alright,” Izzy continued, “So, what are we supposed to do, today?”
“Well, we were listening to a CD.” A girl replied.
“Okay… This one?” Izzy picked up a painfully boring-looking gray CD sitting very obviously in front of the CD player. When the kids nodded in agreement, he played it and laid back in his chair.
Instantly, the music of Mozart or Bach or something like that started playing. The kids shuddered, except for the previously mentioned glasses-boy, who seemed to be enjoying himself.
“… WHAT IS THIS CRAP?!” Izzy demanded about fifteen seconds into it. He opened the CD player and took the monstrosity out, throwing it on the ground and stomping on it repeatedly until it was nothing but little shards of glass.
The kids exchanged glances, and grins started spreading across their faces as Izzy took off his hat and took a CD out from under it.
“Alright, how many of you kids ever heard of Led Zeppelin?” He asked.
The majority of students raised their hands, grins widening. Some looked slightly confused, and the glasses boy gasped.
“My mother said that music was the work of the devil!” He exclaimed in horror.
“… What’s your name?” Izzy asked, staring blankly at the kid.
“Edwin…” The kid replied weakly.
“Okay.” Izzy turned on the obviously much better CD. “Alright, kids. This is Edwin. For the rest of the class, he’s going to be your stress-relief punching bag.”
“Nooooooo!!!” Edwin whined, running to into the corner while the rest of the kids, pumped up by Immigrant Song approached him with huge grins and demonic eyes.
“This subbing thing is easier than I thought.” Izzy decided, ignoring Edwin’s screams and squeals for help as he sat back in his chair and relaxed.
-P.E.-
Slash walked into the gym, and immediately all the kids looked up.
“Hey, there.” Slash raised his hat slightly and looked around the room. “I’m your substitute teacher today. My name’s Slash.”
“Slash?” A girl raised an eyebrow.
“Slash.” He verified.
“Do you have a last name?” She asked.
“Not that you need to know about.”
“EWW!!!” Some very snobby-looking boy exclaimed. “HE’S BLACK!!!!”
Slash looked over at him, somewhere between amused and annoyed.
“… Alright…” He said after a minute. “You, you, you, you, and you…” He pointed to five particularly offended and angry looking kids. “You go sit around the guy who just said that, and I’m not looking over there for the next twenty minutes.”
The kids were more than happy to go over to the now terrified snob.
“Alright, any other questions?” He turned to the not preoccupied students.
“Where’s Mr. Weingarten?” Another girl asked.
“Don’t know, don’t care.” Slash replied bluntly. “Anybody else?” A boy in the back raised his hand. “Yes?”
“Can I go sit with them?” He asked, pointing over to where the other kids were beating the hell out of the snob.
“… How many people want to go ‘sit’ with them?” Slash asked, looking around the gym, where everyone was raising their hands.
“… Alright, then.” He decided. “I’m going to have to run an errand for the next fifteen minutes. Just to make sure you’re all safe, I’m going to lock the door on the way out.”
And so he left, locking the door despite the constant cries and pleas for mercy from the racist brat.
-Health-
Duff was probably the only one out of all of them who had actually come to his classroom on time. The kids all came and sat down in the classroom, looking curious. After he figured they were all probably there, he stood up.
“Alright,” He said, walking to the front of the classroom. “My name’s Duff McKagan. You can call me Duff, because if you call me ‘Mr. McKagan, I’m going to kick your ass.”
The kids’ eyes all widened, which Duff noticed.
“… And I’m going to take it this is one of those schools that doesn’t allow ‘profanity’…” He sighed. “Alright, then. Not only will I kick your ass if you call me ‘Mr. McKagan’, but also if you tell ANYBODY who works at this school or any parents anything that I’m saying. Understand?”
The kids all nodded mutely, looking terrified. A few small whimpers escaped from the crowd.
“Cool. Then today,” He took out the list of notes the teacher, Mrs. Mueller, had left. “Today, we are going to talk about drugs and alcohol, and how they will ruin your life.” He raised an eyebrow, but kept reading. “Alcohol not only dulls your senses and slows your reaction time, but causes you to think less rationally, destroys your liver, kills brain cells, and…” He trailed off, looking up at the students. “Is this what they’ve been telling you?”
The kids, still terrified, all nodded mutely.
“THAT’S BULLSHIT!” He exclaimed, hitting the wall and making them all jump. “If alcohol slowed your reaction time, then would bar fights be so fucking awesome?! If it was the thing that made you think less rationally, then only people who were already drunk would get drunk! And that whole ‘destroys your liver, kills brain cells, causes death’ shit! If that were true, not only would I be dead, but Slash would have been LONG gone!”
The students’ eyes were still wide, but now it was mostly with shock as opposed to fear. A few of them were actually nodding encouragingly.
“… You don’t get it.” He decided, looking around. “Probably because you’re not the legal drinking age… Okay, how many people here have actually gotten drunk before?”
Nobody raised their hands.
“… I’m not going to snitch on you.” He crossed his arms. “Do I look like I would? And if anyone else tries, I’ll kick their ass, so you’re safe.”
A few of their kids finally raised their hands.
“… Only that many?!” He demanded. “Wow, the world sure has changed since I was in middle school… Okay… You.” He pointed to a random blonde girl. “What’s your name?”
“Stephanie Powell…” She replied quietly.
“Right… Alright.” He turned to the rest of the class. “I have to go get something, to… Uh… Help you understand the topic… Yeah. Until I get back, Stephanie’s in charge.”
And so he, very irresponsibly, walked out of the room.
-Social Studies-
It was about twenty minutes into class, and most the kids were just about ready to ditch, when Axl finally walked in, carrying a box half-full of donuts, with another sticking out of his mouth. He looked blankly at the students, who stared equally as blankly back, and walked over to write ‘AXL ROSE’ on the board. He then went and sat down at the desk and started devouring donuts.
“… Who are you?” A kid asked after a minute.
Axl rolled his eyes and pointed to the name on the board.
“Axl’s not a real name.” Some boy argued decisively.
Axl swallowed the donut and stared at the boy.
“It is if I say it is.” He replied, stuffing another donut into his mouth.
“And are you twenty minutes late to class because you wanted to go get donuts?” He demanded, smirking.
“Yes.” Axl replied bluntly. “What of it?”
“That’s pretty stupid.” The boy’s smirk faltered slightly at Axl’s obvious lack of concern.
“You know,” Axl commented, raising an eyebrow. “You really should stop being such a piss-off, because one of these days, somebody bigger than you is going to get sick of it.”
“Like you?” The boy asked sarcastically, raising an eyebrow.
“Like me.” Axl verified.
“What are you going to do?” The boy asked. “You can’t touch me, or my parents will sue you.”
“Honestly, I doubt they’d care.”
The rest of the students, by now, were staring back and forth between them as they spoke. No doubt, this was much more entertaining than their normal first period social studies class.
“And why’s your hair so long, anyway?” The boy asked, changing the subject. “You look like a girl.”
“…” Axl stood up and walked over to the boy’s desk, staring down at him, the difference in height painfully apparent. “What’s your name, kid?”
“Skye Congdon.” The boy replied, crossing his arm and smirking again.
“Huh.” Axl crossed his arms and smirked too, obviously mocking him. “You know, if I was a guy with a name like “Skye”, I wouldn’t be trying to pick fights with people.” Finally, Skye frowned.
“As opposed to “Axl?” Yeah, that’s kind of OBVIOUSLY fake. I bet your real name’s like… “William” or something gay like that.” Axl visibly twitched. “Oh, did I strike a nerve?” Skye asked mockingly.
Axl suddenly picked up Skye, who started squealing like a little pig being dragged off to the butchery, walked over to the window, and threw him out easily. The kids ran over and stared out, watching him fly into the distance.
“Alright,” Axl finally said once the kids had turned back to him, some shocked, some horrified, but most grinning. “So, what are we supposed to be learning today?”
-Art-
By now the entire room was just a giant blob of multicolored paint, but the kids were still going at it… Well, technically, so was Steven.
Suddenly, the door opened. Kids and sub alike all turned in wide eyed fear as they saw a lady with many wrinkles and gray hair pulled back in a tight knot at the back of her head.
“What in the name of heaven is going on here?!” She demanded, her voice like fingernails on a chalkboard.
“IT’S MRS. RYALS!!!” A kid exclaimed, causing the rest to scream in terror as her expression changed from shock to fury.
“Oh, when Mrs. Jones hears about this!” She shrieked, turning to go to the office. However, before she got out, Steven ran over, closing and locking the door.
“Attack, my minions!” He ordered.
Immediately, all the paint covered kids dove off of tables, desks, and chairs, sliding over and tackling an obviously furious, screaming Mrs. Ryals to the ground. Once they had subdued her, they wrapped ropes no doubt meant for some art project later on around her, picking her up and throwing her into the closet, which they locked.
“… So, where were we?” Steven asked with a grin, once Mrs. Ryals was out of the way.
-Music-
“Alright…” Izzy smiled at the students. The CD was running, now on The Ocean, and Edwin was a bloody, quivering pulp in the corner. “So… What should we do, now?”
A quiet-looking girl raised her hand.
“Yes?” Izzy asked.
“Can we break stuff?” She asked.
“Great idea!” Izzy exclaimed. Then, turning to the rest of the students, he explained, “Alright, our goal for today is to break everything lame in this classroom! That means books, classical music crap, that ugly wall over there, nerd like Edwin… Yeah, they’ve all gotta go.”
The kids, screaming in happiness, ran over and began destroying everything in the classroom.
Therefore, none of them noticed when the door opened, Erin standing there.
“Hey, I came to…” Her eyes widened. “Izzy?? What are you doing here?”
“Subbing.” Izzy replied, leaning against the wall, crossing his arms, and smiling. “What’s up, Erin?”
“Um… Nothing, but…” She looked around at the classroom. “The kids are destroying stuff and… IS THAT A PERSON?!” She ran over to the corner. “Oh… It’s just Edwin…” She shook her head as she walked over to Izzy. “I hate that kid… Always gloating about his grades even if nobody cares… He’s really stuck up, though he pretends to be good when subs are around… Anyway… I didn’t think you would be subbing.” She smiled. “It’s actually really weird, because Axl… Was… Too…” She trailed off as Izzy nodded encouragingly.
“DO YOU HAVE THE ENTIRE BAND HERE?!” She demanded in horror.
“Conceivably.” Izzy agreed.
“Oh my God…” Her eyes widened, and she ran out of the classroom.
“See ya, Erin!” Izzy called, waving and closing the door behind her.
-P.E.-
Slash walked back in, unlocking and opening the door. Other than a few splotches of blood on the ground, there was no trace of the kid that had just been brutally murdered.
“Alright then.” He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. “What kind of stuff do you guys do in here?”
“We’re slaves to Mr. Weingarten.” A boy whined.
“Oh, that’s just an over-exaggeration.” Slash argued, rolling his eyes.
“He makes us clean the gym for him every day…” A girl whimpered.
“… Really?” Slash blinked.
“He gives us impossible stuff to do, and if we can’t do it, he makes us do two-hundred push-ups…” A voice piped up from the back of the gym. The rest of the students nodded in agreement.
“… That son of a bitch!” Slash exclaimed irritably. “Pardon my language…”
“He’ll be back, in a few minutes…” The first boy whined. “His car just pulled in…”
“… Okay, I have an idea.” Slash walked over and stood behind the door. “I’ll watch from here, he shouldn’t be able to see me, and after I make sure you guys are telling the truth, I’ll beat the hell out of him, okay?”
“YAY!!!!” All the students exclaimed at the same time.
However, at that moment, a man who could only be Mr. Weingarten walked in, looking like the devil himself.
“What are you cheering about?!” He snapped.
“Nothing sir…” They all muttered in unison.
“Didn’t think so.” He crossed his arms. “Now, I want each of you to run five miles around the gym. That’s sixty laps. Go!”
“Alright, this is bullshit.” Slash decided, coming out from behind the door.
“… Who the hell are you?!” Mr. Weingarten demanded.
“My name’s Slash.” He replied, raising his hat in mock-politeness. “Nice to meet you.”
All the students cheered. Mr. Weingarten glared over at them, but with Slash in the room, they didn’t even pay attention.
“I will not have this kind of disrespect in my own classroom!” The obnoxious teacher exclaimed.
“This isn’t a classroom, smartass.” Slash pointed out.
“Watch yourself.” Mr. Weingarten pointed to the guitarist, his mouth thinning and his eyes bulging.
“Scary.” Slash commented, walking over and punching the teacher in the face. He skidded five feet back, causing an eruption of cheers from the students.
“Why you little…” Mr. Weingarten walked back over, teeth gritted, and punched Slash in the chest. However, Slash just stared blankly at his fist.
“… Wow… That was pretty pathetic…” He commented. He then spun around and kicked the teacher in the stomach, sending him flying completely across the room and spreading cracks through the wall where he hit.
“… Okay, class is over.”
All the students, cheering, ran out of the classroom. Unfortunately, they had all found a new role model.
“… I wonder how badly Axl’s screwed up…” Slash commented, walking away and definitely not realizing that he had screwed up as well.
-Health-
Luckily for Stephanie, Duff didn’t take too long to come back into the classroom. However, unfortunately for any parents or adults who would later find out, he was dragging a cooler with him.
“Alright. Here’s your assignment for the day.” He opened the cooler, revealing the massive amounts of beer, vodka, rum, whiskey, and other wonderful obviously alcoholic drinks inside. “We see who can drink the most without blacking out or puking. You guys good?”
“Isn’t this illegal?” A kid asked.
“Isn’t this illegal?” Duff repeated mockingly. “Oh no, what are we going to do? What if somebody tells our mommies? Get the fuck OVER it.” He threw a can of beer at the kid. “Lighten up, dude. Relax.”
The kid shrugged and opened the can, taking a sip of the contents.
“This is nasty!” He exclaimed, not at all used to the taste of alcohol.
“Don’t take it in sips, retard!” Duff ordered. “You have to gulp it down!” He then turned to the rest of the class as the kid followed his instructions. “Alright, after we’ve moved the desks to the walls so that we have room in the middle of the class, you can all take your pick. Any questions?”
The kids immediately jumped up, moving everything out of the way and grabbing the drinks.
“… Wow, this teaching thing is a lot easier than I thought it would be.” Duff commented, taking a bottle of vodka out of the cooler for himself.
-Social Studies-
“Why do you all look so damned freaked out?” Axl wondered, staring at the kids after finishing the last of his donuts.
“You just threw Skye out the window…” A boy reminded weakly.
“Was he your friend?” Axl wondered, raising an eyebrow and considering throwing this boy out as well depending on his answer.
“No…” He admitted. “Actually, he was a jerk… But it was still kind of… Scary.”
“Wimps…” Axl muttered. “God, this is frustrating… Where’s the pot when you need it?”
All the kids looked confused.
“You know…” He glanced around as if they were idiots. “Pot… Weed… Dope… Reefer… Mary Jane… Boom… Grass… Skunk… Ganja…”
They looked more confused yet.
“… Marijuana.” He finally said, bluntly. “Drugs, people, drugs!”
“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..” They all said in unison.
“Yeah…” He sighed with relief. “I thought you guys were really that far gone… You need to work on learning street names, okay?”
“Well, how should we know all those names, if we’ve never even seen the stuff before?” A girl demanded.
Axl’s mouth dropped open in shock.
“Whoa! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!!! You mean you guys have never even seen pot before?!”
“Obviously.” A few people said at the same time. Others nodded in agreement.
“… So you’ve never smoked it, either?!” His eyes widened. “Oh, you poor, poor deprived kids… Don’t worry, it’s not too late to fix your lives.” He got up. “I got to go out to my car for a second, so nobody die or anything, okay?”
Before waiting for a response, he ran out to what was, in actuality, Slash’s car. The kids glanced at each other nervously, but Axl was back in less than five minutes, holding a conspicuous, large bag of something brown, a smaller bag of what seemed to be shredded paper, and a couple of lighters.
“Alright.” He ordered, “All of you, get in line.”
-Art-
“We’re out of paint!” A girl complained.
“Darn…” Steven sighed. “Okay, what should we do, now?”
“… Can we use ink?” A voice came from the back of the class.
“Good idea!” Steven agreed. “Alright, so now we use ink!”
“There are only two colors…” A boy complained. “Red and black.”
“… Okay, then how about we have teams?” Steven suggested. “Red vs. Black?”
“Sure!” All the kids exclaimed.
“Alright!” Steven agreed. “I’ll be on the black team. Split it up evenly, okay?”
Suddenly, the door opened. They all turned at the same time to see Erin standing there.
“What’s going on?” She asked, sounding less surprised than she probably would have if she hadn’t already seen Axl and Izzy at the school. At this point, she was expecting pretty much anything.
“We’re having an ink fight.” Steven replied, smiling, apparently not realizing what a bad sub he was being. “Do you want to play?”
“… I guess this isn’t that bad.” Erin looked inside. “A little messy, but nobody’s getting killed or drunk or high or anything… Alright. Bye, Steven.”
She closed the door. Steven would probably have been confused if this had happened some other time, but at this point he was preoccupied with an ink fight.
-Music-
“What’s wrong?” Izzy wondered, looking across the faces of the students, which looked oddly crestfallen.
“Mr. Fuller’s coming back, soon…” A boy (who had ended up looking similar to Jani Lane at some point during their little party) complained.
“Really?” Izzy looked a little depressed as well… He had been having fun.
“He said he’d be back around 10:30.” A girl whined.
Izzy looked up at the clock. It was currently 10:25.
“… Alright, how about this…” He turned back to the kids. “When Mr. Fuller comes in, we beat him down with one of the legs of that table that we broke until he’s unconscious, tie him up with the curtains we shredded, lock him in the closet, and then get the hell out of the school.
“YEAH!!!” They all exclaimed.
As if on cue, a man with graying hair and a beard walked into the room.
“What happened here?!” He demanded.
“This is what you get, you classical music loving freak!” A kid exclaimed, picking up one of the legs from the table and knocking him out with it. Three other kids picked up the other legs and assisted with the beat-down until Mr. Fuller was bloody and unconscious on the ground.
Izzy walked over, picked him up, slung him over his shoulder, and threw him in the closet, locking it behind him and propping a chair up against it.
“Now!” He exclaimed, “Run, children! RUN!!!”
And they did.
-Health-
“Alright… Duff’s responsible enough not to do something THAT stupid… Right?” Erin asked herself as she approached the health classroom. So far, she didn’t have too much to be hopeful about… The others had pretty much screwed up everything they possibly could.
She finally reached the room. She threw the door opened, and stopped, eyes widening and mouth dropping open.
The first noticeable thing, as soon as the door was open, the stench of alcohol flew out everywhere within ten feet of the door. Duff was obviously drunk, as he was singing Welcome To The Jungle completely off-tune. Judging by the fact that the kids were dancing on tables, singing along, and using the water-slide in the middle of the room that for some reason was using alcohol instead of water, they were probably drunk, too.
“… DUFF!!!” Erin exclaimed, visibly twitching.
“Eriiiiiiin!” Duff stopped his singing and grinned. “Wassup, giiiirl?”
“What the hell happened, here?!” She demanded. “You didn’t just randomly give a bunch of kids alcohol, did you?!”
“C’moooonnnnn Errrr…” He rolled his eyes, speech completely slurred. “Wouldja stap bein’ suscha killjuay?”
“… Come on.” She grabbed him by the ear, ignoring his complaints, and dragged him out of the room.
-Social Studies-
“Okay, I have a question!” A kid exclaimed, eyes drooping, but a huge smile on his face. “Where’d Slash get his hat from?”
“I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW THAT!” Axl replied. “He won’t tell me, though… He just stares… And says something… But I don’t know what… Why should I care, I asks him… He says something about I just asked or somethin’… Ha ha… Ha… HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHA!!!” He suddenly burst into very dramatic laughter, which was joined by the children.
“Mister Rose!” A girl exclaimed, raising her hand, equally as drugged as the rest of them.
“Wassup?” He asked, leaning against the wall.
“How come your hair’s so shiny?” She demanded… Or tried, to… She was a bit too out of it to actually demand… “How’d you get it like that?”
“Years of practice.” He replied, though the answer CLEARLY didn’t make any sense. “Years of practice… I’ll tell you a secret, though… Cucumbers on the eyes reduce swelling.”
“WOW...” They all widened their droopy eyes as much as they could, though normally none of them would have really cared.
“Are we allowed to drink alcohol?” A boy asked, lying spread out on the ground.
“Only if you have a fake ID… Or if you’re not going to get caught.” Axl answered, tripping over his own feet on the way around his desk.
“Ooh… Ahh… Ohh… Excellent!” They all said in unison.
“Yeah…” Axl smiled, “You kids are okay, you know that?”
As he said it, he collapsed on the ground.
-Hallway-
As Erin dragged Duff through the hallway, toward her ultimate goal of the social studies classroom, he seemed to sober up a little at a time.
“Erin, what’s going on?” He asked after a few minutes, sounding sleepy.
“You don’t remember giving a bunch of kids alcohol?” She snapped.
“I would never do anything of the sort.” He defended. However, the argument was weak, because he kind of did remember bringing the cooler in…
“Uh-huh.” She let go of his ear, turning around, crossing her arms, and glaring at him. “What were you thinking?!”
“I don’t know.” He admitted, hanging his head. “I’m sorry…”
“Whoa, what’s going on here?” Slash asked, walking over to them.
“Duff gave a bunch of kids alcohol.” Erin explained darkly.
“DUFF!!!” Slash glared at the blonde.
“I already said I’m sorry…” Duff muttered, crossing his arms. “What more do you want from me?”
“… Come to think of it…” Erin turned to Slash, raising an eyebrow. “What are you doing out here? You were subbing too, right? Your class can’t possibly be over yet…”
“I dismissed it early.” He replied with a shrug.
“You can’t do that!” Erin exclaimed.
“Oh.” He looked thoughtful. “… Couldn’t you have told me that ten minutes ago?”
“Well, we all thought you would have known already.” Izzy snapped hypocritically, suddenly standing behind them.
Erin, Duff, and Slash all turned and stared blankly at him at the same time.
“… Alright, fine.” He hung his head. “I did too… But I knocked out the teacher and locked him in the closet first…”
Erin buried her face in her hands.
“Sorry, Erin…” Slash patted her gently on the back. “We really don’t know what we’re doing…”
“I know…” She sounded extremely hopeless. “That’s the problem. You guys screwed up this much… And you’re more responsible than Axl. I’m actually scared to go see what he’s done…”
Slash sighed.
“I don’t think we have a choice.”
-Social Studies-
Well, eventually they came to the last classroom…
“I don’t know if I can look…” Erin complained.
“I will.” Izzy walked over and swung the door open, looking inside. “Hey, it’s not bad at all!” He exclaimed. “They’re all asleep!”
“Really?” Erin asked hopefully.
“Either that or dead!”
“Shit…” She muttered, crossing her arms and staring at the ground.
Slash walked over and looked inside as well.
“… Probably dead…” He admitted, “Considering the fact that THERE’S MARIJUANA EVERYWHERE.”
“Yeah, God’s really pissed at me over something.” Erin decided.
“… Slash, could you carry him out to the car?” Izzy asked.
“Sure.” Slash walked in the classroom, and picked up Axl, who was thankfully in a drug-induced sleep. He then walked down the hall, and down the stairs out to the car that actually belonged to him, where he didn’t know Axl usually kept his drugs.
“Whoa, wait, you guys are just leaving all of this?” Erin demanded in horror.
“Uh… It’s either that or get caught.” Izzy pointed out. “Sorry, I vote for just leaving all of this.”
“You know they’ll catch you.” She crossed her arms. “I actually work here. I have responsibilities. I can’t just let you ditch this mess you guys made.”
Dead silence.
Duff hit Erin on the back of the head with a chair… God knows where he got that… And Izzy swung her over his shoulder.
“So, you going to get our money on the way out?” He asked Duff.
“Yeah.” The blonde agreed. “Meet you at the car.”
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