Categories > Original > Humor


by canustakemyheart 9 reviews

It's not exactly what you think ... just something from my own past.

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Humor - Characters: Gerard Way - Published: 2008-10-24 - Updated: 2009-10-11 - 3080 words - Complete

Ha! Well that was interesting. Kinda weird though. Never thought I've never hung out with porn stars before. I couple use another beer ... four definitely ain't enough.

"So you guys want some free porn? You can go check out the stock room and pick out any DVDs you want ... it's right down the hall on the left."

Hmmm. Free porn. I'd rather have free beer.

"Hell yeah! C'mon, man ... let's go get some free porn!"

Figures Mike would be all gung ho about that. I guess I'll have to ask this chick if they have more beer ...

"Uh, you guys go ahead, I'll catch up. Oh hey, um, I forgot your name, sorry ..."


"Um, okay, cool, uh, Anna, can I have another beer?"

"Oh sure. I have to go upstairs and get some. You want to wait in that room over there on the right? Just have a seat on the couch and I'll be right back down."

"Uh, sure."

They sure have a lot a rooms in this place. Fuck, I wonder if they actually shoot pornos in here? Or maybe just watch them .... that's a giant fuckin' tv! Sooo ... I'm hanging out at a porn place ... weird ...

"Hey ..."

Shit! She scared me sneakin' up like that. She's got beer though.

"Uh, hey."

"So you like beer, huh?"

"Sure! Beer's good."

"You must be a little drunk by now? This will be like your fifth one ..."

Ha! She thinks I'm drunk off four beers! Wait ... she's been counting?

"It takes more than that to get me drunk."

Okay, that's a little weird ... she's drinking too ... and sitting down ...

"Did you really mean that stuff you said when we were all talking?"

"Huh? What stuff? The geeky shit?"

She can't possibly be interested in that ...

"No, that you guys don't really like to party like rock stars ..."

Why is she asking me shit?

"Um, no, we're not into that. We're into the music more ... the creativity of it."

"So you've never fucked like a band groupie?"

Wow. Okay...

"Ha! No, um, like I said, we're not into that. Besides, some of us have girlfriends ..."

Maybe I am buzzed, but did she just move a little closer to me on the couch?

"Do you have a girlfriend ... or are you into boys?"

Okay, I'm not stupid and I'm not totally buzzed ... is this chick like hitting on me or something?

"Uh, I do have a girlfriend ... and I'm straight. I should probably go find the rest of the guys now."

Okay, time to get up and leave. Shit! She just put her hand on my fucking thigh!

"I'm sure they're fine ... entertaining themselves in the stock room ... am I making you uncomfortable?"

Oh that's an understatement honey, although I give it to you for being observant. How about take your fucking hand off my thigh for starters.

"Uh, you should probably have your hand back now."

Man, that was awkward.

"Don't go. I'm sorry, you just seem like a really interesting guy to me ... and normally I don't like guys."

Okay, just chill. She's a fucking porn star after all ... and there's no beer in the stock room ... so I guess I'll just sit here for awhile longer. As long as she doesn't touch me I'll be fine.

"You mean, you don't like guys for sex, is that it? But you have guy friends I'm sure, right?"

Maybe I can just keep asking her questions ... wait ... did she just imply that she didn't normally like guys, but she liked me?

"Yeah, but I don't have a lot of guy friends. You know how it is, you can't really be just friends, you always end up fucking."

Speak for yourself ...

"Uh, actually I have friends that are girls that are just friends."

Better drink this beer faster ... then I could bail.

"You know, you're really pretty ..."

She called me pretty? Pretty is what you call chicks. So does that mean she thinks I look like a chick? Do I really want beer this bad? And how the fuck do I respond to that?

"Um, thanks? I guess? Seriously, though, I should go ..."

"You just finished your beer ... you want another one, right?"

Fuck. Okay, one more beer and then I'm outta here ...

"Uh, sure, I guess I'll have one more, thanks."

"You know, alcohol usually loosens people up."

Eh, she's right about that one. Actually, I got a nice buzz going on right now. I love free booze. And this is pretty good beer ...


"So has your girlfriend given you a blow job before?"

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fuck. Okay, remember, she's a porn star, she's just acting how she normally acts, right? Or is she seriously coming on to me? I mean, who the fuck comes right out and asks you something like that? Oh. Right. A fucking porn star. I wish she'd wipe that smug grin off her face. She's fucking enjoying this!

"Haha ... um, I'm totally not gonna answer that ..."

"You know, you don't have to be shy. It's just us, and this conversation isn't leaving this room."

I wonder what she'd do if I just sat here and drank and didn't say anything? I'm definitely buzzed now ... although she's got more beer ... and the guys probably will come looking for me anytime now ...I can handle this shit ... I'll just slam down this beer and get one more ...

"Uh, I know you're a porn star and all, but can we have a conversation that doesn't revolve around sex."

"You don't talk about sex a lot do you?"

Ding! Gee whiz, you're smart ...

"You know, it's not at the top of my list for mixed conversation with people I don't know."

"Look, it's okay if you're not that experienced."

Yeah, she's definitely coming on to me. I gotta have an 'out' plan ... what if she touches me again? I'll just push her off or something and then leave. Yeah, that's good. Almost done with this beer ... I'll just have one more ...

"You like having sex, right?"

What the fuck kinda question is that?

"Gimmie another one of those beers ... please."

"You're not even done with the one you have yet. Besides, what are you willing to do for it?"

I'm seriously starting to think there's like a hidden video camera around here somewhere ... and that everybody's in on it except me. Uh, okay, beer finished! Oooh that's a head change ...

"I'm willing to sit here and talk to you while I finish that beer."

"You're not being very talkative. You answer my questions and I'll give you all the beer you can drink."

Fuck. I should go find the rest of the guys.

"Look, I should really go find the rest of the guys. They're probably wondering where the fuck I am."

"Don't worry about your friends, I'm sure they're fine. So, you want another beer?"

That is a lot of beers. Fuck. I'll definitely be on my way to shit-faced after this next one. I can handle it though ... I'm good ... it's just beer ...

"Okay, one more, but then I really have to go. And there better not be some hidden video camera around here."

"Haha, oh no, we shoot the hidden cam stuff in the back room ..."

I think she just made a porno joke. Porno humor! Ha!

"So ... how'd you end up being a porn star anyway?"

"I realized I really liked fucking and having people watch me while I'm doing it. Now I get to ask you a question ..."

Oh, fuckin' whatever. I'm almost drunk now, who gives a fuck... as long as she doesn't touch me again ....

"So when you're watching pornos, do you like to jerk off?"

Ha! Okay, that one's easy ...


"No? I think you're lying ..."

"I think you don't know me ..."

"Next thing you're going to tell me is that you don't jerk off at all, right?"

What is with this chick? Why would she even want to know this shit about me?

"That's a lame question."

"Oh so you do like to jerk off?"

"That's a lame question too."

Oh man, she took my beer! She's evil! She's using me! Well, I guess I'm using her too ... but only for her beer!

"That's a lame answer! How often do you jerk off? Tell me and I'll give you back your beer."

Oh for the love of ... seriously?

"Let me check my day planner and I'll get back to you."

"C'mon, it's a real simple question ..."

Ugh. This is getting irritating. I just want the rest of that fucking beer.

"Seriously? You wanna know the real fuckin' answer to that one?"

"Oh please. Let me have it ..."

"Alright, here it is ... I don't fucking keep track of that shit. If the mood strikes me and the opportunity to actually be alone is there, I'll do it ... but 'me time' is not something I get a lot of. Like I said before ... I play a lot of fuckin' video games and I read a lot of comic books. That's the shit I do often."

"Okaaayyyy ..."

Fuck. At least she gave me back the beer.

"You know, I think you have a drinking problem."

"My problem is that you took away my beer."

"You're not drunk yet? You look pretty drunk to me ..."

Fuck I kinda am drunk now.


"Okay, next question ... What's your favorite position to fuck in?"

This is a weird fucking situation. I wonder who would believe me if I told the story about how one day I was drunk and alone in a room with a porn star, and all I did was answer her questions for more beer? I bet some people would think that's pathetic. Well, fuck them!

"I honestly don't have a favorite ... it's all good ... whatever makes my girl happy."

"Aww, that's cute ... if you're telling the truth. So what turns you on?"

I wonder what the guys are doing right now? They're probably watching pornos. I wonder if they wonder what I'm doing? I wonder if they think I'd actually do anything with a porn star? Because I totally wouldn't. I don't care how drunk I was ...

"Uh, you didn't answer the question ..."

"Oh, huh? What was the question again?"

"What really turns you on?"

Sheesh. How the fuck should I answer this one?

"Uh, different things at different times."

Ha! That look on her face is priceless! She's trying so hard to crack me.

"That's too vague of an answer! You have to give me at least one thing that turns you on ..."

Okay, I've got it!

"Okay, comic books."

"Comic books? I've heard some weird shit in my time, but no one's ever told me that they get turned on by comic books."

Ha! Score one for me!

"And didn't you just say you read a lot of comic books?"

"Yeah, so?"

"I think you're fucking with me."

"Think whatever you want."

Haha! I've confused the porn star!

"You know, I've never met a guy like you. I mean, any other guy I know would have been fucking me on this couch by now ... but you ... you're telling me you seriously get a boner reading comic books?"

"No I don't get a boner reading coming books. Just because I really like comic books and they can be exciting and cool, doesn't mean I jack off to them. Something doesn't have to be sexual to be a turn on, you know. You have a dirty mind ..."

Wait a minute ... did she just say anyone else would be fucking her on this couch by now? I was totally set up! She totally thought that's what would happen! That's lame.

"And you really thought you'd get me in here and start giving me beers and then I'd just fuck you? That's fucked up. I told you I had a girlfriend."

"Sweetie, even if you really have a girlfriend, it wouldn't matter to me. It's just sex."

She doesn't even believe I have a girlfriend ...

"Well I don't look at sex as 'just sex'."

"You're weird."

"And? We've been sitting here for how long now and you're just figuring that out?"

Hmmm. I guess that was a little mean to say. I still don't think she really gets it though.

"But you like sex, right?"

"Uhh! Fuck. Yes! I like sex! Jeez. I'm not that fucking weird."

Thank god I'm drunk right now. Dude, why hasn't anyone come looking for me yet?

"When was the last time you fucked your girlfriend?"

Do these questions ever stop? And why am I still sitting here. I'm getting up. Oooh ... whoa ... I guess I'm more wasted than I thought ... I'm sitting back down ...

"Why would you wanna know that?"

"Ha! You are drunk! You had to sit back down! Oh and you can't answer a question with another question ..."

"Well I just think your questions are too fuckin' personal, how about that?"

"I just want to know how long it's been since you've gotten your rocks off. I bet it's been awhile ..."

Ugh. She's totally got those 'porn eyes'. And she keeps twirling her hair around her finger. Oh wait ... here's something new ... now she's like licking around the top of her beer bottle! She thinks I'm gonna fall for that shit.

"Hey, you know, it's been fun, I guess, but I have to uh, get up before I pass out or something."

"Hey! You didn't keep up your end of the agreement ... you have to answer with real answers ..."

This chick is something else. And real answers? Fuck, what would she know if they were real answers or not. I could say fuckin' anything ... she doesn't need to know that it's been 4 months since I've been laid ...

"Uh, last night."

"You're a bad fucking liar. I think you don't even have a girlfriend, that you do jerk off to porno, and that you haven't been laid in at least a year. What do you think of that?"

"You're wrong, but whatever."

"So, how big is your cock?"

cough Fuck! I just almost choked on beer! Did she just ask me what I think she asked me?


"You heard me ... how big does your cock get ... when you're fucking your imaginary girlfriend?"

Imaginary girlfriend? Now she's just being mean to get me all pissed off ... just 'cause I won't make a move on her. I just gotta keep my cool. And I am so not answering that! I'm probably fuckin' turning red now too.

"Uh, yeah, look, I've got a fuckin' girlfriend."

"Okay fine, just answer the question."

"Dude! Why would you ask me that? That's some straight up personal shit ... like you don't just ask that."

"Oh come on, it's no big deal. I'd just like to imagine you with a hard on, that's all."

Oh jeez ... I gotta finish this beer ...I can't believe I'm sitting here. Maybe I am a fuckin' alcoholic?

"Well, the beauty of imagination, Anna, is that it's imaginary. It can be whatever you want it to be. So just imagine away, 'cause I'm not answering that."

Oooo score another for me! There's that confused look again. This chick ain't the brightest bulb in the pack anyway. Ha! Now she's just shaking her head at me. Maybe she'll quit with this question shit now. And why hasn't anyone come looking for me yet? Fuck.

"You must not be that drunk then ... maybe you should have another beer?"

Oh this is not good. She's actually trying to get me totally shit-faced now.

"I'm good on the beer ... I'm still finishing this one."

"Come on. They're just questions."

Ugh. I can't drink this any faster. I'll probably hurl. I should just get up and take it with me ... and find a fucking toilet.

"It's not like I'm asking you to take your pants off."

"I dunno, honey, seems like that was your end goal all along."

Ha! I'm so totally fuckin' drunk now. From free booze! Yeeaaaahhh.

"You haven't had much sex at all have you?"

"Fuuuckkk you."

"Oh, if only ... seriously, you should live a little. Here's an easy question ... where's the strangest place you've had sex?"

Hmm. Where was the strangest place I've done it? Well ...  back seat of a camaro ... but that's not really strange ...

"Are you thinking about it? Or just trying to make up an answer?"

"I'm fuckin' thinkin' 'bout it 'kay?"

... I could say a baseball dugout in the middle of the night ... but we didn't go all the way there ... fuck ... wait ... she won't know we didn't actually have sex there ... yeah, I'll say that ...

"A baseball dugout in the middle of the night."

"Huh. Wow. Didn't see that one coming. If that's true, that's kinda kinky actually."

Haha she thinks that's kinky. Damn. Now she's doin' that 'porn eyes' thing again. She just doesn't give up does she?

"So how long has it really been since you've gotten off? I bet you'd be ready to cum in under five minutes. You know, I could put a DVD on here for you ..."

"I told you I don't get myself off watchin' porn."

"And I told you that I think you're lying. I'd bet you money that if I put on a porno right now, you'd get a hard on."

Shit. I gotta get up. Wobbly or not ... I gotta go find the guys ... now that I'm loaded, this little game has gone far enough ...

"Hey, dude!"

Oh, thank fuckin' god, finally someone here to rescue me!

"Oh dude, I'm not interrupting anything am I?"

Fuck you, Mike. I'm not a sleezebag, thank you.

"Oh you're not interrupting anything ... don't worry."

Huh, wow, she tells the truth. Gotta give her one bonus point for that.

"Yeah I've been tryin' to get up for like I don't know how long here ..."

"You've been trying to get it up? Dude, I didn't know you had that problem! Haha ha ha ..."

"Fuuuckkk you! That's not what I said and you know it. I don't have any fuckin' problem with that."

God, even she's laughing. Okay I'm really gonna try to get up off this couch now. Heeheehe .... floaty!

"Damn, did you drink all this poor girl's beer?"

"Fuck no! I could have 'nother beer and be fiiinnneeee."

"Well I guess I'll take him off your hands now ... thanks for uh, babysitting! Haha."

"Uh, sure. Oh and I just want you to know that I would've sucked your cock ..."
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