FicWad

Summary: The YGO boys think Anzu is too skinny... therefore, they try to devise plans to "plump" her up a bit... what crazy schemes will they come up with?

Warnings: Extreme OOC-ness, if this bothers you, LEAVE NOW! Language, unlikely couples and 'canon' coupling hints... strange things and events... Darks and lights are separated in their own bodies, which means Dark Malik exists!!... etc.
Yami= Yami Yugi
Bakura= Dark Bakura
Marik= Dark Malik

Disclaimer: No, I just use the characters for my own screwed-up amusement.

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Eat, Anzu, Eat!: Chapter One

The YGO gang (Yugi, Yami, Jounouchi, Honda, Otogi,, Anzu, Mai, Shizuka, Ryou, Bakura, Malik, Marik, Kaiba, and Isis) was hanging around in the Domino City Park, watching their surroundings.

A random boy runs by, chasing a random girl.

"Hahaha! You can't get away!" The child cackles, speeding up much to the girl's distress.

Bakura watched this with amusement, then took a glance over at Anzu. 'Is this how I should claim her?' He wondered, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

Anzu, ignorant to all, gets a sudden 'somebody is staring at me' feeling, snapping her head towards Bakura. The white-haired thief immediately looked away, staring at the nearby tree.

Anzu is confused.

An ordinary hot dog man walks by, pushing his loud and clanky cart along. "'ot dogs!! Get yer fresh 'ot dogs!" He calls, ringing an annoying bell that hung from a rod that extended from the cart to overhead.

Mai, obviously irritated by this, complains. "What is this!? A football game or something!?"

Jounouchi and Honda were sitting nearby, when suddenly, one ear on each got three times than normal. Slowly, they turns towards the sound of bell, only to find...

"FOOD!!!" and thus, they chased the hot dog man.

Malik, feeling as if he were the only sane one in the bunch, was pondering on a serious matter that involved eggs, toilet paper and Kaiba's mansion. Suddenly, as if a god had descended and swapped his thoughts, Anzu came to mind... or to be more precise, her body.

Blinking, he turned to stare at the dancer.

Marik, next to him, was wondering about marshmallows and how they came to be, noticed this act... and got upset. "What are you looking at?!" He whispered, rather harshly at that.

Malik, completely and utterly unfazed by the level of harshness he had received, responded lightly. "I just noticed something about Mazaki.

Marik, intrigued with anything involving Anzu Mazaki... and perhaps a bed, leaned over to listen.

"Do you think she's a little... TOO skinny?"

Marik blinked, not expecting such a question. He was about to snap back, lecturing on Anzu's perfect-ness, when he took a good look at the woman. Running his eyes up and down, the psycho frowned. "You have a point."

Bakura, giving up on his 'how to claim Mazaki' plot, walked over. "What are you blondes whispering about?!"

Malik hushed him, motioning him to come closer. "It's Anzu. She's too skinny."

Bakura was, at first, highly offended. What right did this ignorant fool have, to even make the slightest comment about the woman!? Looking over, he made a quick scan. Blinking, he turned back towards the two. "Hmm... never noticed."

Malik punched his open palm. "Exactly! She hides it so well."

Yami, the supposed superior and MAN of the gang, was watching everyone go about their business. Nothing was to be suspicious. No evil plots seem apparent at the moment... well, except for one thing.

Jumping down from the edge of the fountain that he stood, he stalked over to the three, his stride full of courage and confidence. Stopping right before them, he placed his hands on his hips, brows scrunching into a displeased, yet composed look. "Psychos!" He called out, catching the attention of the bunch. "What are you plotting now!?"

Malik was obviously not bothered by this... at least not as much as the others. "Anzu," he replied with such ease.

Yami, not liking a dear friend being the sole topic of three very untrusting fools, frowned. "What about Anzu?" He demanded with a such a force that a random passerby nearly had a heart attack from the blow... or maybe it was just the hair that threw him off?

"She's too skinny."

Right when he was about to go into a long, persuasive speech about rights and equal values and heart of the cards and whatnot, he blinked, turning around. He stared with such intensity that poor Anzu twitched harshly, causing Isis to be concern.

"Are you all right, dear?" She asked, placing a hand on the dancer's shoulder.

"Yeah... I just feel like a huge, mental force hit me at once... or something." The brown-haired girl replied, rubbing her arms.

Yami finally turned away, allowing Anzu to breathe, and paused, an unusual act for such a godly being. Sighing, he admitted defeat, but only to the tiniest amount. "True... she IS a little on the skinny side."

Yugi, was beyond bored. Nobody wanted to duel. Yami was too busy presiding over the park. Anzu was with the girls. Jounouchi and Honda ran off. Ryou was reading. Otogi was flirting with some girls. And then there were the rest... with Yami?

Walking over, he just happened to catch Yami admitting something to the truth that the three beyond had spoken. "Who's too skinny?" The short one asked, wanting to be involved in anything by this point.

"Anzu, Yugi." Yami replied, rubbing the spot between his brows in frustration towards himself for not noticing such a tragic event.

Yugi looks over, eyeing the girl up and down. "Oh... I see."

Otogi, who now just got a couple of numbers, was walking back towards the gang. He first noticed the girls, winking in a greeting. Then he passed Kaiba, ignoring him since the man did not even notice his presence. Finally, he came upon to what we have now. Feeling a little left out, he trotted up to them.

"Hey, what's going on?" He asked, placing an arm on Yugi's head.

Yugi frowned, but responded anyways. "It's Anzu. We think she may be too skinny."

Otogi spun around, hands on hip, and looked. After a moment, he spun back, replacing his arm, and nodded. "I see what you're getting at."

Ryou was reading a fantastic book. In fact, it was so awesome that it could not be described in words. Therefore, it shall not be described. Placing his bookmark between the pages that he stopped at, he noticed the slowly growing group of men ahead. At first, Ryou was a little hurt that the men of the gang may be discussing something without involving him. Then he decided that Yami would not discuss anything with someone like Marik before discussing it with him. So, he marched over.

Pouting, he looked at them. "Hey! I want to know what's going on too!"

They looked at him, initially feeling bad for leaving him out, until Bakura snorted. Then they realized that Ryou was faking it.

Otogi, who doesn't get much action to begin with, answered. "We think Anzu may be too skinny."

Ryou blinked owlishly, turning to look. "Ahh... I see."

Anzu, the poor thing, could not twitching. Mai, being extremely bored as she is, noticed this.

"What's wrong hun?"

"I don't know! I just keep thinking that the guys are looking at me or something!"

The sultry blonde stares, confused, then glances at the huddled group of boys off to the side. "Hmm..."

Kaiba, who was working on a very, VERY important paper, could NOT understand why, in Ra's name, was he sitting in the park with the gang. He shouldn't be here! He should be in his office, working in peace. Nowhere near damn squirrels that hurl acorns at him!!

Picking up a rock, he retaliated, slamming the stone into the squirrel hole. A loud noise and chattering occurred, causing the rodents to go on a mad rampage. Unfortunately for them, Kaiba has already contacted the Pest Control Company.

And then the extermination began.

Back to the present matter, Kaiba just could not focus over the loud chitchat from the massive group RIGHT next to him. He especially noticed this when his typed report was full of 'skinny' and 'Anzu.'

Getting very aggravated, he turned his head towards the boys. "What are you geeks doing now!?" He shouted, scaring some nearby children into tears.

The boys hushed him immediately, while Yami, the one in self-proclaimed control here, grabbed him by the collar, pulling him in. Kaiba, not one to be dominated, put up a struggle.

Marik, bothered by this, smacked him across the face, startling the brown-haired CEO. "Quiet, you screwed-up mortal!"

"Then tell me what's going on!"

Yugi, the self-proclaimed peacemaker, steps in between the two. "We think Anzu is too skinny."

Kaiba stares at the tyke as if he lost his mind. Then he took a good glimpse of the girl. "Hmm... Mazaki IS rather thin..."

Malik, now satisfied with the size of his army, punched his open palm once again. "Exactly! But no worries, because I have a plan in mind." He grinned, looking disturbingly like Marik.

Bakura, unfazed by the mad grin, snorted again. "Is it even worth trying?"

Glaring, Malik cursed the man from the bottom of his soul. Looking away, he continued with his speech. "Of course! We are doing a good deed here, saving Mazaki from... uhh... err...?"

Kaiba sighed, wondering why he was stuck with these idiots. "From becoming anorexia or bulimic?

"Yes!" The blond Egyptian cried, jumping up. "And so what we men have to do is... plump her up!!"

Everyone in the huddle stared at him, as if he officially lost it. Which we could say has already happened, resulting into Marik, but we can just assume that Malik can make many insane copies of himself. That would be interesting, indeed.

Marik spoke first, rubbing his chin. "I don't know if 'plump' is the right term of use. It sounds more as if we're trying to make her fat."

"Perhaps thickening is a better choice?" Bakura added, scratching his head.

Yami, because he was so godly, just had to put in his two cents. "Or maybe 'adding a few pounds'?"

Ryou, feeling left out and the need to be intelligent, cut in. "They all mean the same thing."

"Look!" Malik shouted, exasperated with the gang's indecisive-ness, "We're gonna use 'plump', got it?!"

"Yes." They replied, monotonously, not wanting another Marik to be reborn.

Anzu and Mai, along with Isis and Shizuka, were watching the group of boys, but not able to hear what they were mumbling about. Isis swore she heard something on the line of "... use "plump"!" But she wasn't completely certain. Then again, nothing could be certain with those fools (the boys, I mean).

Anzu, now very nervous and unsure, bit her thumb. "I still think they're plotting something."

"Yeah," Mai agreed, nodding, "Against us, perhaps?"

Shizuka punched the air just right then. "Don't worry! My big brother will protect us!"

The other girls stared, then sighed out of impatience.

Isis looked up, eyes full of willpower, quietly stated, "We'll just have to keep a close eye on them, that's all." Of course, it was not unexpected that her gaze floated more towards the blondes of the group.

Otogi crossed his arms, frowning. "So what should we do first?"

Malik rubbed his chin, pursing his lips thoughtfully. "Hmm..." He blinked, then stood straight up. "Let's go to a fast-food restaurant!!"

"Which one?" Yugi inquired, now seated on the ground from being tottered over by everyone jumping all around. Curse his height... curse it...

"There's Taco Bell, McDonalds and KFC nearby..." Ryou stated, counting off his fingers.

"Which is closer?" Marik questioned, not wanting to walk a far distance, along with saving the woman from extreme starvation as soon as possible.

Kaiba got out his electronic map, along with his multi-tasked, electronic compass and radio. Making a few adjustments, he placed on the headphones and stepped out of the huddle.... alone... and slowly spun in a complete circle.

Everybody nearby, including the gang, watched in awe as the CEO worked his technical magic.

Stopping, he breathed a sigh of relief. Placing the items away in his trench coat's mysterious pockets, he looked at the men. "McDonald's."

Bakura jumped up on a nearby bench, punching the air. "To McDonald's then!"

"Good," Malik nodded, grinning almost, but not quite sadistically and rubbed his hands together, "The plan is officially in motion."

All the guys stood up and chest-banged each other as vigorously as possible...

...and then fell to the ground with a couple loud thumps.

The girls were, needless to say, not too impressed.

Ryou, rubbing his sore bottom and chest, had tears springing out of the corners of his eyes. "Why did we do that?!"

"How should I know!?" Yami shouted, struggling to get free of his cape that he somehow managed to get captured in.

Yugi, one of the few that actually cares, hurried to help his other half.

Otogi, suave and smooth, stood up, brushing the little dust barely visible off his pants. Flicking back some hair in such a fashion that made girls swoon, he looked ahead with determination. "Come on guys... let's go."

The men turned, and trotted over towards the ladies.

Malik stepped forward, as the mastermind of the plan, and made a sly, yet sexy grin. "Oh ladies..." He paused, glancing at Shizuka, "... and kid."

This did obviously not affect Isis, as she glared suspiciously. "What are you planning now?"

Malik, mockingly gasped, and took a step back. Clutching a hand onto his shirt right over his heart... or at least where he assumed it to be, his eyes suddenly turned into chibi, watery eyes. The other men, excluding the few who found themselves too superior to such a degrading act, followed his move.

"Sister!" The sane blonde cried out, making a really dramatic scene, full of sparkling tears and gusts of wind for his hair. "Really! How could you think I'm planning anything?!"

Isis was obviously one, used to this, and two, has become immune to it, for her blank glare remained in place. "I still don't trust you... or your other half for that matter."

Ryou, seeing this as his chance, quickly stepped in front of Malik, pushing the annoyed one back. Placing hand slightly curled under his one chin, he cutely smiled. "We decided to head over to McDonald's and grab a bite to eat." Holding out a hand and still grinning charmingly. "What do you girls say?"

The girls, Isis included, were about to melt. How could they possibly deny something so impossibly adorable? "Okay!" Jumping up, all four cuddled over the white-haired boy, walking down the park path.

The rest of men stared after them, enviously... and some with murder towards a certain male.

Marik leaned over, muttering. "How the hell does he do that?"

Bakura, with his arms crossed, frowned. "How should I know!?"

"He's your other half!!" Marik shouted, smacking the thief upside the head.

Malik, obviously pissed with his own failure, turned with a huge vein popping out of his head. "GUYS!! SHUT IT!!" Sticking his nose in the air, he stalked off like a spoiled brat.

The remainder of them quietly sniggered at the site and then quickly hurried after.

Malik, using super stealth and speed, walks right beside the brunette female. Studying his fingernails, he questioned her nonchalantly. "So Mazaki, what are you planning to order?"

Anzu jumped, being startled so suddenly. Looking to her side, she saw that it was only Malik... Malik... err... Smiling, yet sweatdropping, she responded slightly uneasy "Eh? I suppose a burger and small fries...," Pausing, she studied the male's expression, "What about you?"

Malik was burning with anger. In fact, one could see the flames coming off of him and the steam blowing out of ears, all while he clenched a fist, shaking vigorously. How could this woman think that she could get away with such a tiny portion of a meal!?

Poor Anzu thought she offended him... which she did... but not for the reasons she was thinking...

Coughing a bit, the blonde brushed some hair back, regaining his normal composure swiftly. "Well, you know, they got those... delicious Big Macs..." Gently elbowing her in the side, he stared at her knowingly, "You know... those new double burgers? Eh? EH?!"

Poor girl...

"Uh? Sure, whatever you're hungry for!" She replied cheerily, which, for once, had the opposite effect.

The flames were coming back...

Bakura, watching the scene with amusement, sauntered up to Anzu's other side, placing an arm gently across her shoulder. Looking off to the side, he cut in, "I think what the fool is trying to say... and can't... is whether or not if you had these... Big Macs?"

Anzu, surprisingly unfazed by Bakura's out of character-ness, cringed a little at the thought of the burgers. "Nah, it's too much for me to eat at once. Gotta watch what I eat, you know?"

Now Bakura was on fire...

"Guys!?" Anzu looked back and forth at the flaming fools. "Are you okay!?"

"Look!" Marik shouted with glee, grabbing Anzu from behind. "There it is!! Let's go!" Picking her up like a sack of potatoes, he threw her over his shoulder and ran inside.

Everybody notices this odd action, and quickly chases after for the girl's sake.

Walking up to the register, they, of course, encountered the strangely overly cheerful cashier with a huge grin. "Hi there!! What can I get you today!?"

The gang looked amongst themselves, never seen anybody so ridiculously ecstatic... especially at a place like McDonald's.

Anzu, being the closest most cheerful of the group, stepped up cautiously. "Um... I'll just have--"

Malik, being the idiotic mastermind he is, quickly jumped in front of her, slamming a hand on the counter. "She'll have five Big Macs, four jumbo fries and largest size of a Mountain Dew!!"

"What!?" Anzu gasped.

The other girls were... very confused.

Bakura also jumped forward, and added, "And make sure that you put plenty of salt of those greasy potato strips!"

"Huh!?" Now all four girls were very baffled.

"Make that THREE of your largest Mountain Dews then!" Marik put in, also slamming a hand down on the countertop next to her other half.

"..." The women were speechless.

The cashier was not very astounded with this unusually large meal for a thin girl like Anzu Mazaki. Then again, many different types of people go to McDonald's, so who's to say what others may have gotten before?

"Sure! Anything else for you guys?" She continued like none of this was odd.

"H-Hold on!" Anzu cried out, trying to get in front of the blondes. "Wait a sec-"

Bakura, whom was right behind the 'twins', quickly grabbed the girl by the arm, dragging her off to the back of the restaurant. "Let's find a table."

"B-b-b-but-"

"NO BUTS!" And with that said, the two disappeared from site.

After some time has passed, Yami, ever so elegant, served the brunette her food, vigilantly balanced on one hand on a plastic red tray. "Your food, my dear."

Anzu didn't even notice Yami's charismatic act, but instead stared at the massive heap of food in front of her. "I can't eat all of this!!"

"Do it anyways!" Bakura growled, grabbing a burger and unwrapping it.

"Why are you doing this?" She whined, turning away from Bakura's offer.

Ryou decided that he would try his ever so appealing piece, clasped his hands together in front of his chest. "To show you how much we care!"

Yugi gave her a thumbs up. "Yeah!"

Now it was the girl who was on fire. "HOW IS BUYING ME A TON OF GREASY, FATTENING FOOD CARING?!"

Kaiba, shockingly held on to his patience until now, snapped. "SIT AND EAT, DAMN IT!"

"NO!"

Suddenly, two tremendous forces burst in the restaurant, running over a bunch of old ladies, halting right in front of the gang's table. It was known as...

Jounouchi and Honda.

"FOOD!" They cheered, magically pulling out bibs with a lobster on the front and silverware in each hand.

Anzu sighed with relief. "Help yourself."

The other men, however, weren't sighing with respite. "NO!!" They all tried to run forward and jump on the two fools.

Unfortunately, they underestimated the absurdity of the situation, for by the time they got near the table... the food was gone.

Malik was not pleased.

Turning around slowly to the two boys, whom were now rubbing their fat bellies, and burned once more. "YOU FOOLS!!"

Jounouchi and Honda looked up, only to find every other male in the gang glaring viciously at them. "Huh?"

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YAY! First chapter completely finished! Ahh, this feels so good to get off my chest!

Yes... I am dork.