Categories > Books > Harry Potter


by Ariel_Tempest 10 reviews

Prof. Snape has a problem student with a problem question. Inspired by "Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts" by Atalanta Pendragonne

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Characters: Other - Published: 2005-05-14 - Updated: 2005-05-14 - 1305 words - Complete

There were days he thought puberty should be studied as a form of Transfiguration. Ignoring the physical changes in height, hair, bust line, and such, the mental changes were as fascinating as they were irritating. A small case of testosterone poisoning and a student who had been merely obnoxious the year before suddenly gained new a whole new level of vexation. Students who were intelligent suddenly forgot how their brains functioned the second they realized there was an opposite sex. Previously inoffensive students were transformed into lecherous ingrates.

Maybe after the Transfiguration scholars had figured out puberty worked, it could be outlawed.

"Today we'll be studying Wartcap Powder. Can anyone tell...yes, Mr. Murphy?" He raised an eyebrow as the boy's hand shot into the air. "Can you tell me what Wartcap Powder is used for?"

The pudgy Hufflepuff boy, who had never volunteered information in the class before and had in all honestly nearly failed twice in his five years at Hogwarts, lowered his hand. "No, Professor, but I had a question."

Now that wasn't surprising. "And your question is?"

"Can the product from today's lesson be used as sexual lubricant?"

He nearly choked. He stared as if the boy had just sprouted wings and proclaimed himself a pig Animagus. From one of the Gryffindors, the question wouldn't have fazed him. In fact, he'd have almost expected it. Murphy, on the other hand, had always been as quiet as he was inept and not prone to acts of life and grade threatening stupidity.

When he recovered from the shock, which took about ten seconds, he glowered. "No, it can't. I will be taking four points from Hufflepuff for wasting our time and vulgarity. Now, can anyone tell me what Wartcap Powder is used for?"

The air was filled with the satisfying sound of quills scratching on paper, a sign that even if they didn't absorb any of it, his students were at least concerned enough about their futures to make a show of learning. Of course, the nice thing about Ravenclaws was that their thirst for knowledge, if a bit useless at times since they didn't always know how to apply it, made them very attentive. He had less hope for the Hufflepuffs.

"Alright then, since we actually managed to get through Wartcap Powder yesterday, today's lesson will be on Forgetfulness Potion. I won't bother asking if anyone knows what this one does, since that should be obvious. However, I would like..." He stopped as a hand raised high into the air. Even though the question hadn't been asked yet, his irritation level rose instantly. "Yes, Murphy?"

"Professor, can the product from today's lesson be used as sexual lubricant?"

"No," He gritted out from between his teeth, "It can't. That will be ten points from Hufflepuff for wasting our time and vulgarity. Furthermore, you are to stay behind after class so we can discuss your detention. Now, can anyone name even one of the ingredients of Forgetfulness Potion?"

He eyed the boy in front of him, arms folded across his desk. "I want to make one thing very clear right now - I don't care why you're doing this. I don't care if it's a dare or a bid for attention or an attempt to prove that you can be as obnoxious as the Weasley twins put together. Do you understand?"

Murphy nodded obediently. "Yes, Professor."

"Good. Then you will also understand me when I say your House is going to be very unhappy with you if this behavior continues. Today I took ten points from Hufflepuff. If you ask again tomorrow, it will be twenty, the next day forty and then eighty. I think you see where I'm going with this?"

Murphy nodded again.

"Excellent. You will meet with Mr. Filch tonight directly after dinner to serve detention. He will choose the punishment, but I quite trust that he'll find something suitable. You may go now."

"Yes, Professor."

He wanted to scream. The boy had, Filch had promised him, been up until midnight the night before scrubbing all of the school loos, without magic. Filch had even conjured up a room full of completely filthy toilets in the Room of Requirement and yet there Murphy sat, hand in the air. Not even a Hufflepuff would be so stupid as to push him, would they?

"What is it, Murphy?"

"Can the product of today's lesson be used as sex..."

"NO! Twenty points from Hufflepuff and another six hours of detention for you!"

He ignored the hand. He ignored it when it went up. He ignored it when it kept waving. He continued talking as if nothing were happening.

" some of you don't seem to know the difference between slicing and dicing..."

"Professor Snape?"

" I will make myself as clear as possible on this subject."

"Professor Snape?"

"Your dragon liver must be sliced, not diced in order to..."


"NO, Murphy, it CAN'T be used for lubricant! Forty points from Hufflepuff!"

No matter how foul his mood was, Albus Dumbledore seemed to be immune to it. All glares, snarls, and sneers bounced off of the old man as if age had made him invincible. Rather than cringing and shrinking away as others would do, he continued talking in that entirely too reasonable tone of his.

"Eighty points, Severus? What on earth did the boy do to earn that? There were no explosions, the room was in tact. He handed in his homework on time. You know I don't approve of your House bias, but I normally don't lecture you about it. However, eighty points is quite beyond the pale."

"I warned him, Dumbeldore." Despite his sneer, he tried to make his own tone as calm as the old man's instead of as frustrated as he felt. "I warned him two days ago that if he did not change his behavior, I would double the amount of points I took from the house on a daily basis. He's the one who chose to ignore me."

"But what is the boy doing?"

"He's not taking the class seriously." The frustration stole into his voice and there was nothing he could do to keep it out. It was getting to the point were he hated Murphy as much as, if not more than, he hated Potter. "He persists in asking, on a daily basis, regardless of what we're working on, if the product can be used as sexual lubricant. It's vulgar, a waste of time, and completely inappropri..."

"Sexual...lubricant?" Albus Dumbledore was smiling. Damn the old man for all time, he was smiling in a way that suggested high amusement. "That's all?"

He wanted to curse something. Badly. "That's all? Dumbledore, he's interrupting the class on a daily basis to ask the same, stupid, juvenile...!"

"Severus, Severus calm down!" By now the Headmaster was flat out chuckling, hard enough that his shoulders shook a little bit. "Now, I realize that you had a very, shall we say 'uneventful' puberty, at least as far as personal changes, but really. Mr. Murphy is fifteen. He's going through a lot of personal discovery right now and we should humor him. I can guarantee you that this preoccupation with sex is just a phase and it will pass. You just have to be patient. Now, since you gave the boy fair warning, I will not return the eighty points to Hufflepuff, but no more point deductions for Mr. Murphy's questions. You're a mature adult, he's not. Understood?"

Mature adult or not, he didn't disguise the fact he was seething. "Yes, Headmaster."

"If you'll open your Potions text to page one hundred twenty four, you'll find the recipe for Cauterizing Solution. Yes, Murphy?"

"Professor Snape, can the product of today's lesson be used as sexual lubricant?"

"Yes. Yes it can."

Sign up to rate and review this story