FicWad

Gerard's POV

“Frankie?”
“Oh… hi Gee!”

“You ok Sweetie?” I asked, sensing his hesitant response
“Yeah totally fine!” he replied

I wasn’t so sure.

I had only known Frank for a few months and although we had become really close, I was still aware that I didn’t know much about him.

He liked to keep himself to himself and I realised he seemed to appreciate that I was cool with that so I didn’t wanna go opening my big mouth and ruin it all because of my shitty opinion.

“So what’s up Gee?”
“I was just wondering if you wanted to come over to my place today?” I said

“Um… yeah sure but I thought you and Mikey were doin stuff today…”
“Nah… the fucker ditched again for Alicia.” I said in disgust at how my baby brother spent all his time ranting about me and Frankie but thought it was fine for him to ditch me.

“So you coming over or what?” I said
“ Yeah… of course” he replied after a pause

He was sounding distant with me again.

Frank had seemed distracted like this for about a month now.
At first I thought it was just Frank being Frank, his secluded and introverted little self but then I had noticed his terrible mood swings, he often looked exhausted and as if hadn’t slept in days.

Whenever I would try to ask him about it he would insist that he was fine and my fear of losing him stopped me from taking it any further but with each passing day he appeared to be getting worse..

Ten minutes later the doorbell rang and I tried not to make it look to obvious that I was so eager to see him as I ran to the door.

I quickly stopped at the mirror and realised my hair hadn’t been touched since I had gotten up and I was still in my favourite skull pyjamas.

I opened the door to find my little Frankie standing on the steps with an anxious half smile across his face.

God he was so fucking gorgeous, his jet black hair fell over his face and although he looked shattered, his sparkling eyes still glistened when he saw me.

He was the most beautiful boy in the world.
Fucking perfection.

There was a slight silence before I realised I had been staring again.

He came in and we sat awkwardly on the couch and made small talk but each of us knew what we both really wanted.

One of us had to make the first move and by the hint of a grin on Frankie’s face and the twinkle in his eyes that he knew I couldn’t resist.
I knew it would be me.

“Fuck it” I muttered to myself

I leaned towards him, slipping my fingers through his and softly touching his lips with mine.
He hesitated before his tongue entered my mouth as if he was looking for permission.

I returned the favour, slipping my tongue into his mouth, my hands wandered up to his neck, running my fingers through his silky black hair while my other hand lightly traced his neck.

He wrapped his arms around me and I had never felt so much love for someone as I did for my gorgeous baby right then.

I felt him start to kiss me harder, moving his tongue further into my mouth, entwining it with mine….. he wanted more.

I moved my hands down his back, tracing every crease, every bone of his spine.

I realised then just how disturbingly thin Frankie was, I could feel every bone as I traced my finger slowly up and down his ribs.

We broke apart as I tugged his t-shirt off and then took my own off.

He placed his hands on my torso and kissed me again.

I returned his kiss and moved my hands around his waist and felt him shiver slightly.

As his hands moved around my waist and up my back, I could feel them shaking.

I took his hand in mine and slipped his fingers through my own. We broke apart and with my hand in his, he looked straight into my eyes and I could see the cold, nervousness that I knew he felt.

“Frankie… if you wanna stop…” I began

His grip tightened around my hand.

“Gee… I…. I love you” he mumbled

I smiled,
“ I love you too baby” I said

He smiled back but I could see the fear in his eyes..

I kissed the tips of each of his precious fingers and he relaxed a little more.

We started kissing again and he placed his hands on my knees, they started to creep up the inside of my thighs and towards the buckle of my belt.
He fiddled with my belt and then undid it.

I kissed him harder, using every inch of feeling I had for him. He kissed back harder, Frank might have been a little inexperienced but he certainly fucking knew how to make me want him.

I kicked off my jeans while trying to undo his and then pulled them off him.

I tickled my fingers up the inside of his thighs and I could feel him getting just as excited as I was.
I kissed him once more then took his hand and led him up towards my room.

I sat on the edge of my bed and Frankie walked over. Sitting on my lap he gave me a cheeky grin, his eyes catching the sun from the window and sparkled.

He pushed me flat on my back while he fell ontop of me, kissing my neck and chest.

Once again I buried my face in his soft hair.
He moved lower until he had reached the rim of my boxers.

He moved up to kiss me then I worked my fingers down his torso as I progressed up to kiss his neck and let my hands wander all over him.

I heard his breathing get faster and I tugged off my boxers, closely followed by his.

“Are you sure you wanna do this Frankie?”
“Of course I’m sure Gee”

I pushed myself into him and heard him moan gently at first.
I wanted him more than anything in the world at that moment.

“G….Gee!... Fuck!” he moaned

I could hear him screaming my name but it just made me want more.
I thrust harder and although my head knew I should slow down, Frankie’s screaming made my body quicken.

My muscles tensed as I was about to climax.
The pleasure ran through my body with my wave of excitement.
I wanted to carry on but my body wouldn’t as I hit ecstasy when I climaxed.

I let my head roll back as I heard Frankie gasping whilst he tried to catch his breath.

“God, Frankie...” was all I could think to say

He let out one final moan and then started to relax as he fell onto the bed.

I held my baby in my arms as he caught his breath and I let my fingers venture over every tiny detail of Frank’s beautiful body.

He was shockingly underweight and I had never properly noticed until now.

I could feel all his delicate little bones and I was scared in case he just suddenly snapped.

I lay there with him in my arms until he curled himself up and drifted off to sleep.

*

The next few weeks passed by pretty quickly in a course of either pissing about around my house or Frankie bringing out his hidden side to me in the bedroom.
Occasionally we would sit and read some comic books or go and see a movie too.

After a few months I noticed major changes in Frankie that made me worry about him.

His moods were getting worse, causing him to change from one to the other rapidly.

The colour started to fade from his face until I thought he could no longer get any paler.

Each day I saw him he looked even more worn out and tired than the previous and it scared me.

Worst of all, he was getting thinner and thinner and thinner. He looked too fragile and delicate I was afraid to touch him.

His clothes no longer just fell over him but started to swamp his skeletal looking frame.

“Um... Frankie?” I asked him nervously one day
“Yeah Gee?”

“Are you ok?” I said
“Yeah… of course… why wouldn’t I be?” he said hesitantly
“You just look a bit…. Distracted…” I replied

That’s not what I had wanted to ask him at all.

“Nah… I’m… fine… how’s Mikey?” he said trying to change the subject but failing to do so.

“He’s fine… he spends a lot of time with Alicia now” I replied
“Yeah I don’t see him around much” he said

As if he cared whether my little brother was around or not, Mikey may only be three years younger than me but he was not that interesting.

“I have to go to the bathroom.” Frankie said breaking the silence, he left the room

I had plenty of time then to think of a way to say what I wanted to without offending Frank as he always took ages in the bathroom.

“Frankie Sweetie?” I said when he got back
“Yeah?” he said uncertainly
“Do you….. um…..eat ok…”

“Yes why?” he snapped back
“Its just you seem to be losing a lot of weight… you aren’t ill or anything are you…”

This was not going well.

“Are you trying to get at something Gee..? Are you trying to say I don’t eat or have an eating disorder or something like that!” he said sounding as if he was ready to argue.

“Well…. I –” I tried to explain
“Cause I don’t right? I eat just fine not that it’s any of your fucking business anyway!” he shouted and ran out of the room

I heard him slam the bathroom door followed by muffled sobs.

I wanted to apologize and hold him and tell him I believed everything he had said but I heard Mikey get in and I decided to go and make some coffee whilst giving Frankie some space and a chance to calm down to avoid another argument.

I had screwed things up enough for now.

Whilst I was downstairs I heard Frank come out of the bathroom. He came down and headed for the door.

Just before he left I noticed him give me a painful smile, I searched for the sparkle in his eye but it had been replaced with pain and somehow looked distant, as if he didn’t recognize me.

Someone could have just as easily stuck a knife through my paper heart right at that moment and it would have hurt me less.

*

I didn’t hear from Frankie for six days until I decided to call him.

“Hello?” a weak voice answered
“Hiya hun its Gee” I said hopefully

“Gee… I’m really-”
“Nah I’m sorry sweetie, I didn’t mean to be so nosey…” I babbled

“Gee…?”
“Wait. You have to hear me out Frankie and I totally believe that you would never not tell me if you had an eating disorder or something horrible like that.”

The line started breaking up…

“Frankie where are you? We can meet up and- ”
“He is in the hospital” Mikey interrupted from behind me

I dropped the phone in complete shock.
I thought I had heard him wrong.

“W….What… do you mean?”
I could barely get the words out

“He has lost too much weight” Mikey said
“W…What?” I stuttered

“He is bulimic Gerard…why don’t you know that?”
“But… he can’t be! He just can’t! Not Frankie…” I replied in disbelief

“What happens after he eats… if he eats…Gerard?.... he takes a long time in the bathroom every time he goes doesn’t he Gerard?” said Mikey starting to show his frustration.

I froze.
Fear was gripping my body.
Horror was gripping my thoughts.
Pain overtook everything.
My pain for him.

My Frankie….
Then it all started to add up and struck me.

“How the fuck did you know Mikey?”
“I saw him doing it a few months ago while you were out at the shop” he said

Anger took over my thoughts.

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me!” I yelled
“Because being his fucking whore you should have known!” he yelled back

“Don’t fucking start that again!” I said
“Start what!” he retorted

“All your bloody disapprovals of me and Frank!” I shouted as if he knew already what I meant

“You were supposed to look after him Gerard!”
“I didn’t know what was wrong…he wouldn’t tell me!” I replied defensively

“Shows how much he trusts you then doesn’t it” Mikey said

That one hurt me and Mikey saw it.

“You should have at least spoken to him Mikey!” I shouted
“No Gerard YOU should have! He is YOUR responsibility!”

“He needed your help and you let him down…it’s all your fault” he spat
“No it’s not” I insisted

“Do you really believe that? He lied to you Gerard… there must have been a reason” he finished

My blood ran cold at the thought of Frankie’s condition being all down to me.

I couldn’t answer him so instead I avoided his icy cold glare and looked down at my shoes where something caught my eye…

The phone was still flashing….
It was still in a call….

“Shit!”
Frankie had heard every word of that argument.
Even Mikey looked worried for me.

I slowly picked it up and put it to my ear… nothing… no screaming… no shouting… no speech… just quiet sobs from the other side.
I willed him to say something. Anything that would break the silence.

I had to get to the hospital.

I hung up the phone as I knew I had no way of getting through to Frankie over the phone if he was in this kind of state.

I just didn’t want to cause him any more pain.

It was pitch black outside and bucketing down with rain but I had to see him.

I got to the hospital and the parking lot was deserted, all but a strange tiny figure in the distance of which I dismissed in my rush to find Frankie.

The rain started to get heavier and out of the corner of my eye the figure stumbled and fell.

On first instinct I headed for the white figure at the far end of the parking lot and as I neared it I realised I knew that black mop of hair…

Fuck! It couldn’t be… but it was.
I broke into a run but my shaking legs wouldn’t hold me as they buckled and I fell to my knees.

Scrambling to my feet with tears streaming down my face, soaked through, I made it to Frankie’s skeletal cage of a body lying on the cold gravel.

I couldn’t get a breath out.
He was unconscious; he only had a hospital gown draped over his excuse for a body.

I tried to put my hoodie around his bony shoulders and held him close in my arms.

What had I done to my angel?
I had never seen anyone so thin before.
I was so scared for him.

His soaked hair fell over his deathly pale skin.
I couldn’t focus on his eyes as it was them that scared me the most.
They sunk into the hollow caves of his carefully outlined skull.

His broken soul felt as if had endured a hundred years of pain and abuse.
It broke my heart.

“You lied to me baby….. why?” I sobbed

His eyes flickered for a moment.

“Gee..?” he managed to whisper

I hugged him close to me.

“It’s ok honey… I’m here … it’s gonna be alright.” I said

He tried to say something else but it was too difficult.

“Ssshh baby its ok… I’m never gonna leave you again…. Never.”

In the distance I saw the flashing lights of an ambulance coming to get Frankie.

I couldn’t let them take him from me.
He didn’t want to be there.

I didn’t want him to wake up feeling scared, alone and confused.

I picked up his weightless body and carried him to my car.
I wrapped him up in some blankets and drove to my place.

When I got in, Mikey was sitting watching TV and by the looks of things had had quite a bit to drink so I tried to avoid arguing for Frankie’s sake.
He turned and saw me though.

“Jesus Gerard what did you do!” he slurred when he saw the state of Frankie
“Just fuck off Mikey” I replied and pushed past him to go upstairs

I lay Frankie on my bed and put my favourite skull pyjamas on him.

Seeing his frail figure still scared the shit out of me, his skin was as cold as death.
I covered him in plenty of blankets and he stirred gently in his sleep.

I got changed out of my wet clothes and into a pair of boxers as I crawled in beside my baby, hugging him and sharing as much of my heat with him as I could until I drifted off to sleep.

*

I woke to find Frankie’s hair tickling my face as he must have turned in the night and was no resting his little head on my chest.

He had warmed up a little and I could feel his warm breath on my stomach.
His eyes fluttered open and stared up at me.
God those beautiful eyes.
What had I done…?

“Hey sweetie” I said
“Gee..?” he said as if he didn’t recognize me
“Yeah it’s me honey” I said softly

He smiled and wrapped his arms around me.
I kissed his head and fought back tears.

How could he forgive me so easily…?
He was so innocent…

I looked at the clock… it was 3.30pm.
We had slept right in.

We lay there for a while.
I wanted to stay there forever.

Frankie sat up and looked around the room.
I caught his eye and he grinned, bringing some light back to his pale face.
“I’m wearing your favourite pyjamas” he beamed
“Yeah… I uh thought they would keep you warm…”

I knew he was going to try and avoid talking about what had happened last night, although I had so much to ask him but I didn’t want us to fight again.

“Frankie..?” I said sitting up next to him and letting him cuddle into me.
“Yeah…” he said hesitantly.

“What happened last night?” I asked
“You tell me Gee… I was unconscious” he tried to joke

“Nah… I mean why did you leave the hospital hun?”
“Well I just didn’t want to……” he trailed off and frowned slightly

“It doesn’t matter” he said abruptly, shaking his head.
“It matters to me baby…” I whispered

“I just… didn’t… want to ruin anyone else’s life” he muttered

I hugged him close.

“You didn’t ruin anyone’s life Frankie” I said softly
“I ruined yours… and I came between you and Mikey” he mumbled back

The pain and sorrow on his face said it all.
It hit me like a thousand knives all at once.

I couldn’t believe it… Mikey was right.
Everything Frankie was doing to himself was because he blamed himself for me.
He was blaming himself….

“Baby you never ruined my life at all!”
“You made it better…. You saved me” I said to him

“But what about you and Mikey?” he said
“That’s Mikey’s problem, not your’s sweetie” I replied

There was a long pause and as I looked at him I knew it was best to leave it there for now.
Ii didn’t want to push Frank further than he wanted to go.

“I’m gonna go for a shower hun” I said
“Mmkay” he replied

I desperately didn’t want to leave him but I wanted him to know that I wasn’t going to watch his every move so I gave him some much needed space for the moment.

When I came back through to my room, Frankie had got dressed in a pair of Mikey’s jeans which were far too big for him, Mikey’s favourite Anthrax t-shirt that I knew he would be pissed about and my hoodie that completely swamped him but he still managed to look adorable.

“Maybe you shouldn’t bother with the hoodie” I suggested as I smiled at him and went over to unzip it.

“No!” he said suddenly, eager to keep it on.
I could see him shaking.

“I uh like it” and he tried a smile but his worried expression shone through more as he tried to control himself.

“Ok” I said uncertainly and then got dressed myself.

“Frankie… maybe you could stay over here for a while…?” I said
“Sure” he replied and smiled

I smiled back, glad that I would have a chance to try and help him.
I didn’t want him to face this alone.

I took his hand and led him downstairs.

In the kitchen Mikey was sitting sipping coffee.
He turned to look at me and Frankie and I saw the startling dark circles that consumed his eyes behind his glasses.
His hair hadn’t been touched which was unusual for Mikey who spent every minute of his day straightening it.
This was affecting him even if he didn’t want to admit it, his face said it all.

Mikey caught my eye and looked down at his coffee.
Frank hadn’t looked up since we had left my room.

He glanced up briefly and saw the state of my brother.
Tears started to form in his eyes and his eyes darted to the ground.

“I have to go to the bathroom” he muttered, his eyes fixated on his feet.

Mikey’s eyes darted up and met mine.

“Emm ok sweetie” I said shakily

I squeezed his hand and kissed him on the cheek before he left the room.
He struggled a smile in return.

I could feel Mikey’s cold glare right through me as Frankie shuffled away.

“What the fuck do you think you are doing Gerard!” he said
“I can hardly tie a lead to him. Can I?” I whispered, trying to keep from Frank hearing us.

Gerard you are gonna kill him!” Mikey snapped back
“Stop fucking nagging me!” I managed to say through my shock at Mikey’s last remark.

“You haven’t seen him do it have you?” he said
I didn’t reply.

“Well then maybe that would encourage you to do something” he said and glanced towards the bathroom.

I knew what he wanted me to do and I knew form the look on his face that he wasn’t going to listen to what I had to say.

He stared back at his coffee and blanked me.

I left the kitchen, heading for the bathroom where the door had been left slightly open.
I glanced through the gap and saw my little baby boy crumpled on the cold tiled floor with tears streaming down his face.

I felt my legs start to shake.

Frankie picked himself up and leaned over the toilet.
I knew what was coming but nothing could have prepared me for it.

He stuck two precious fingers down his throat until he gagged and tears started falling from his eyes.

He shut them and did it again.

With every ounce of my heart I wanted to help him but my legs wouldn’t move an inch and I opened my mouth but nothing would come out.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as blood came spurting from Frankie’s mouth.

My knees buckled and I crumpled to the floor at the horrific sight in front of me.

I opened the door and tried to make my way over to Frankie.
He looked round and terror struck his face when he realized I had been watching him.

“Gee…I…I’m…s…s-” he tried to say but couldn’t speak through his tears.
“Its ok baby… you don’t have to be sorry.” I replied

I threw my arms around him and he curled up in my arms, his fingers covered in blood from his mouth.

He cuddled into me sobbing and shaking violently.

“I…d…don’t…deserve…y…you Gee…I’m…disgusting…a…and…sick…I hate…myself… I deserve to be hurt…a…and…p…p…punished” He stuttered

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
My perfect boy was doing all this to himself because he thought he was horrible and disgusting.
He was anything but!

“Frankie baby you are fucking perfect” I said
“No I’m not Gee… If I could change…”

“Don’t ever change sweetie” I said, kissing his cheek
“You’re nothing short of a miracle baby” I continued

I sat with him until he had calmed down and then helped him to get cleaned up.

We left the bathroom and I held his hand tight as we walked towards the kitchen.

Mikey had gone and left a note on the counter.
Gone for a walk to clear my fucking head it read

I didn’t show Frankie Mikey’s note.
I didn’t want him to worry about Mikey too.

“Do you uh want a coffee or um… something to eat?” I asked him uncertainly

“Do you have any apple juice…?” he asked, his voice as quiet as a mouse, biting his lip
“Um maybe” I said as I went over to the fridge

I took out a carton of apple juice that was obviously Mikey’s and poured him a glass.

He smiled and I saw a flash of the old Frankie come back.
The Frankie that always asked for things you were unlikely to have.

I smiled back and went over to the cupboard

“Straw?” I said
“Pink please” he smiled

I made myself a coffee and watched as Frank sipped at his apple juice through the pink straw.
He was so fucking adorable.

How could someone so beautifully perfect hate themselves so much I thought.

When he finished, he sat slightly chewing at the straw whilst staring down at the counter.

“I love you Frankie” I said

He looked up suddenly as if he didn’t believe me.

“I love you too Gee” he replied
“I never want you to forget that” I continued
“I won’t Gee” he said

We went up to my room and I sat down, realising I was exhausted.
Frank did the same and looked even more exhausted than I was.

I moved close to him and locked my lips with his.

My tongue ventured over the rough cavern of his mouth and his tongue traced over mine.

My hands unzipped his hoodie and Frankie flinched slightly.
My fingers wandered up his t-shirt and pushed off his hoodie but he kept his arms tightly through the sleeves.

His arms wrapped around my neck and he ran his fingers through my hair.

I moved my hands down his bony arms but when I got to his elbows he pulled away from me suddenly.

“Not…tonight” he muttered
“Ok baby” I said trying to hide my desire for him

“I’m…s…sorry” he mumbled
“It’s fine Frankie…really” I tried to assure him

He zipped his hoodie back up quickly and I let him put his head on my lap as I twiddled with strands of his soft hair.

I took off my t-shirt and lay down with him in my arms as I pulled a blanket over us.

A while later I heard muffled snores from Frankie and moments later I fell asleep too.

My dreams brought me back to the night at the hospital.

Frankie’s limp body.
His breathing stopped.
I had blood on my hands.
Frankie’s blood.

It was my fault.
I killed Frankie.

The shadows that circled his eyes had gotten darker and his cheekbones stood right out.
He wasn’t my baby anymore.

It was my fault.
I had destroyed him.

There was blood everywhere.
On my hands.
On my face.

I wanted him to wake up.
He had to wake up.
He couldn’t hear me.
Why couldn’t he hear me?

It was me.
All me.

The sounds of my screaming drowned through my thoughts.

He was as pale as a sheet yet more colourful than I had ever seen.
All red.
Everywhere.

The deepest darkest red I had ever seen.
There was something so beautiful yet so tragic about it.
It scared me more than anything ever had.

He was gone.
I had done it.

My screaming got louder as my thoughts started to take over my body.
My own screams echoed through my body for him to wake up.

But he didn’t.

I woke to someone shaking the life out of me.

I sat up as my eyes adjusted to the darkness.

It was Mikey.
I looked around the room frantically looking for Frankie.

He was curled in a ball with his eyes, red rimmed and shut tight, his hands over his ears, quietly singing to himself and rocking back and forth.

Shit! What had I done!

“For fuck sake Gerard!” Mikey shouted at me.
“What happened?” I asked in a blur

“You were fucking screaming! That’s what happened!” Mikey spat at me
“Shit!” I said

“Damn right! Look at what you have done now!” he shouted, glancing over to Frankie in the corner but not being able to meet my eye.

“You’ve got to sort yourself out Gerard… your making things worse” he said and then marched out.

I walked shakily over Frankie and knelt down next to him.
He looked up and took his hands slowly from his ears.

He looked as if didn’t know me.
His eyes focussed on mine for a moment and he relaxed slightly.

“You kept screaming” he whispered so quietly I could barely hear him
“Frankie…I’m so sorry baby”
“It’s ok” he said

I didn’t understand how he could forgive me so easily but punish himself so harshly.

“You said it was all your fault” he mumbled
“It was just a nightmare honey” I assured him

“It was about me wasn’t it?” he continued
“It doesn’t matter sweetie” I said and hugged him close

He was shaking really badly.
God I must have terrified him.

I held him in my arms for the rest of the night and refused to let myself sleep.

*

The next morning, things seemed to be a little better.
Frankie woke up early and grinned at me.

He kissed me and mumbled something about a shower.
I nodded, absolutely exhausted from the lack of sleep and he walked off.

He came back about half an hour later with a pair of boxers and my hoodie on.

“Maybe we should stop off at your’s today and get you some clothes” I said with a grin

I wanted him so much then but tried to hide it as best I could.
“Yeah that sounds a good idea” he replied

His face looked much brighter than the previous night and his eyes lit up again.
That made me smile.

He refused to put any jeans on so we went down to the kitchen after I got dressed and we saw Mikey sitting at the table with a bowl of cereal that he just stared at and had barely been touched.

He looked at us his completely shattered expression turn into a cold glare when he saw what I had let Frankie wear.

“We’re gonna go and get Frank some clothes today” I declared to Mikey

Mikey ignored me and turned back to staring at his cereal.
I ignored him and turned to Frank.

“You want anything sweetie? I said and kissed him to show Mikey just how much I didn’t care.

“Apple juice?” he said and smiled
“Sure hun” I said and retuned his smile

I poured him some apple juice and got him a pink straw.
He grinned, seeing that I had remembered.

I put some toast in for myself and we sat at the counter whilst I ate and he sipped.

When we had both finished I ran up and got a pair of jeans and shoes for Frankie and my car keys.

As I returned to the kitchen, I could feel the tension rising, you could have cut it with a knife and I knew I had to get Frankie out of there.

We drove to Frankie’s and he shuffled out of the car and towards his house.

Five minutes later he came out with a bag slung over his shoulder.
He had brushed his hair and he looked gorgeous.
We got back to my house and Mikey had left a note on the table.
Gone to Alicia’s.

He was still really mad at me for last night but I was sure he just needed time to cool down.

We headed up to my room.

“I have a surprise for you” said Frankie with a cheeky grin on his face.
“You do?” I said quite puzzled as I lay down on my bed.

“Yeah… close your eyes” he said and rushed off to the bathroom

“Are they shut?” he asked five minutes later, standing outside my door
“Yeah” I replied, unsure of what to expect

“Ok… open!” he said

I opened my eyes and saw Frank in a pair of boxers with cat ears on his head, had drawn on whiskers and coloured in his nose black.
His eyes were outlined carefully in black eyeliner and he had gloves on that reached his elbows.

“God Frankie you look fucking sexy” I said and meant every word

He gave me another cheeky grin and his eyes sparkled at me.

“I’m a tiger!” he beamed
“Nah…I’d say more of a kittycat” I replied, teasing him.

“Bet kittycats don’t do this though” he said as he walked over to me and kissed me, slipping his tongue into my mouth and his fingers crept up my t-shirt whilst mine wandered over his torso trying to avoid his jutting ribs.

My whole body was aching for him, I wanted him so much.

He tugged my t-shirt over my head and kissed my neck.
He moved down my body and undid my jeans.

He pulled them off, quickly followed by my boxers.
His fingers ran up the inside of my thighs and I let out a moan.

He took me in his mouth and his tongue circled me, his teeth lightly grazing my skin making me moan in ecstasy, sending shivers through my whole body.

“My…God…Frankie!” I managed to say in between breaths

He was getting faster and I was getting louder.

“F…F…Fuck…Frank…slow…down!”

I let my head roll back, my thoughts were racing, I was about to climax.

I tried to warn him but I couldn’t get the words out.

Then it happened.
My body tensed, then like a fucking shockwave through my body, I came.
I heard Frankie swallow and then he sat up looking pleased with himself.

I was still trying to get my breath back.
Fuck he was good.

I put my boxers back on and went over to Frankie and kissed him as hard as I could.

“You kinky shit Frankie!” I said and he beamed, looking proud of himself.

We fell onto the bed and I found his hands.
I pulled one of his gloves off with my teeth and searched for his other hand.

I took hold of his other glove to pull it off but Frankie panicked and pulled away quickly, snatching his hand away but my grip on his glove pulled it off in his panic.

Horror filled my thoughts at what I saw.
Frankie’s arm was full of cuts from wrist to elbow.
They looked shit deep in every direction and were fairly recent.

“Shit! Frankie…”
“Gee… I really didn’t mean…”
“why the hell did you try to hide this from me!” I yelled

All the pain I was feeling at that moment made me explode, bringing out anger I couldn’t control.

“I’m…s…s…” he tried to say
“Why cant you just trust me Frank!” I shouted

“I can…G…Gee” he stuttered
“Then why do you keep lying to me!”

“I just…I just…” he tried to say
“Save the bullshit this time Frank! I don’t need it!” and with that I stormed out the door and went for a cigarette to think things through.

I couldn’t get the visions of his arm out my head.
All the pain he must have gone through to do that to himself.
I had no idea it was that bad.
He punished himself so severely for any tiny slip that he makes or anyone else makes.

Suddenly it hit me like a slap in the face what I had done.
I had abandoned him when he was most vulnerable and most needed me.
I had given him something else to punish himself for.

He could be doing anything.

I ran back to the house as fast as I could and rushed up to my room, calling on Frankie, my thoughts racing, fear taking over me.

I walked into a sight I had hoped never to witness as long as I lived.

Frankie was lying in a ball on the floor.
Blood was dripping from his arm and formed a scarlet pool on the floor.

I knelt down beside him and tried to clean up his arm with my sleeve.
The fuming slashes said something but from the moment I managed to make it out, I wished with every part of my soul that I hadn’t.

“I’M SORRY”” it read.

It was all my fault.
I should have listened to him.

I was making it all worse.
He was getting worse.

I cradled him in my arms, crying, until the bleeding stopped.

Then I picked up my little broken baby boy in my arms, lighter still than the last time I had picked him up.

Tears stained his soft, rosy cheeks and remains of eyeliner were smudged across his eyes.

I lay him down in my bed and cradled him carefully in my arms, not wanting to hurt him and pulled the blanket over us.

“I’m so so sorry baby… you have nothing to be sorry for… it’s me that has hurt you… I’m sorry baby… I’m so so sorry…” I mumbled to him softly and drifted off to sleep.

Frankie is missing.
Where is he?
Something isn’t right.

I am in a white room, nothing but white, white walls, white floor, no furniture, just white but it’s warm and feels safe, as if nothing is wrong in here.

I know I have to get out and find Frankie but I don’t know where to go.
There is a door and I step through it to a room opposite from the last.

It’s black and I can’t see a thing but I can sense the cold tension and pain in here.
It’s stabbing into me, pulling apart my thoughts and tearing at my lungs so I struggle to breathe.

My hands reach out and feel a switch.
A window appears and I can see the contents of the room through the beams of light it is giving out.

A shadow was swinging slightly by the window.

I collapsed when I looked closer.

It was Frankie.
A dirty, thick rope was tied tightly around his beautiful neck, leaving bruises in his skin.

He wasn’t breathing.
His limp body was swaying in a slight breeze coming through the window.
He was so pale.
So pale.
So thin.

Like a soul the world had forgotten.
Like I had forgotten.
Me.

Dark bruises stood out on his skin, screaming at me.
The profound slashes on his wrists grabbed all my feeling.

“Look what you have done” they screamed at me

I heard his deafening screams in the darkness, looking for me but I wasn’t there.
His shrieks sent shivers through my whole body, they needed me, they needed anyone.

His piercing cries cut like a knife into my heart.

I hadn’t been there.
I am never there.

I needed him.
But he had needed me and I had failed.

His haunting corpse, swaying back and forth.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Haunting my mind.

I woke next morning, last night’s dream still fresh in my head, to Frankie looking up at me and managed a half heartened smile as I caught his eye.

“Gee…I…” he started to say

My lips met his and he returned the kiss as I slipped my arms around his waist, pressing my chest against his.

His fingers wandered up to my neck and I tickled my fingers up his back and rested them on the crest of his spine.

I rolled on top of his sweating body and moved my lips away from his.

My breathing quickened.
I tugged on the lobe of his ear with my teeth and he moaned.

“You are my fucking perfect angel Frankie” I whispered in his ear.

My fingers moved over his shoulders and started tickling down his arms as I kissed him once more.

As they reached his elbows I momentarily forgot about his cuts as my fingers moved down more.

I reached his wrists where he had just recently attacked himself the previous night and I felt him flinch and start to tremble.

My lips parted from his with great difficulty on my behalf due to how much I wanted him and I cuddled him close.

“It’s ok baby” I reassured him

He curled up in my arms and a tear rolled down his cheek

A while later when Frank had calmed down we got up and headed down to the kitchen where to my surprise, It was empty.
I prayed that Mikey wouldn’t come home for at least a few more hours.

I switched on the kettle and got a carton of Mikey’s apple juice from the fridge and a pink straw.

I gave the straw and juice to Frankie and poured my coffee.

“Gee…?” he asked unsurely
“Yeah hun…” I replied, dreading what I was going to hear.

“Have you got any coco pops..?” he asked
“Of course sweetie!” I said, sounding a little too excited as I sprang up from my seat.

“Milk?” I asked
He nodded

I smiled at him, wanting to show how much I appreciated his effort.
I knew how hard this was for him.

He played around with the spoon for a while, stirring it around and around the bowl nervously before he took a bite.

I saw the flicker of fear flash across his face as he took another bite as if he feared he was being too good to himself.

He seemed quite content with his coco pops as I drank my coffee and glanced at him every couple of minutes.

I heard the door slam as Mikey came in and walked through to the kitchen.

He saw me and Frankie sitting at the counter in our boxers, Frankie still wearing his tiger ears and had the remainders of his smudged eyeliner on his face.

Mikey’s disgusted face said it all but I knew he would have plenty to say out of Frank’s earshot later on.

He went over to the fridge and glared at me as he picked up the empty carton of apple juice but Frankie’s wrists caught his eye and Mikey’s eyes misted over when he glanced at the words carved into my baby’s skin.

Mikey dropped the carton and rushed out, leaving a still silence behind him.

By now Frankie had pushed away his half-eaten coco pops and was staring into his lap.
He lifted his head slightly

“Go and see if he is ok Gerard” he said quietly

It was the first time he had used my whole name in a long time and I could sense the urgency in his voice that concerned me.

“Will you be ok here?” I asked him
“Yes….Just go and check on Mikey” he replied

I wandered up the stairs looking for Mikey and I found him in his room with his back to me and his head in his hands, trembling slightly.

I knocked lightly on his already open door.

“Fuck off Gerard!” he snapped
“Mikey I just wanted to know if you were ok?! I said trying to hold back my anger

“No Gerard I’m not fucking ok! You shouldn’t be asking me you should be asking Frankie!” he shouted, turning around to face me.

“God Mikey! Stop fucking treating him as if he is ten years old!” I snapped
“Have you fucking seen the mess he is in!” he shouted back

“I will get him through it! I really care about him!” I insisted
“Oh yeah just like you did with all the other pathetic whores you brought home?”

“Yeah that’s it Mikey as long as you and Alicia make a perfect little couple!” I yelled at him shaking with anger

“Alicia fucking finished with me you asshole!” he retorted

He saw the hint of a smirk on my face that I had accidentally let show

“I can’t believe what you have let that boy go through” he said
“You don’t know how fucking hard it is!” I shouted

“You wanna fucking know something that’s hard Gerard? Hard is having your girlfriend dump you because she knows you are in love with your brother’s whore but not being able to tell him whilst watching every day tick by as he goes through all this hurt but not being able to do anything about it or stop it.

At the same time you see your brother treat him like his fucking lapdog.
You fucking whore Gerard” he yelled in my face

The shock hit me and turned my blood cold.
Mikey was in love with my Frankie.

Something inside me exploded and I lashed out, my fist colliding with Mikey’s jaw.

I realised what I had done and froze in disbelief.
I tried to apologize but I knew he wasn’t going to listen.

“Just get out” he said softly as he turned away from me

I had no choice but to leave him for the moment.

As I neared the door I could hear slight whimpers from the hall.
Frankie was in a huddled heap on the floor crying with his eyes shut tight.

I crouched down and took hold of his hand tightly in mine.
He opened his eyes and his brown eyes glittered at me.

“I’m not enough for you Gee…” he muttered in between sobs.
“Baby you are the closest to heaven I will ever be” I replied as I rocked him in my arms.

I led him by his frail arms away from Mikey’s door and down to the living room.
He snuggled his head into my chest, his hair tickling my face.

Frank was still shaking badly and I really wanted him to feel safe and happy with me again like he used to.

“Will you sing to me Gee…?” he whispered quietly, still sniffing slightly
“Of course baby… what you want me to sing?!

“Something…from Tarzan…it’s my favourite movie” he replied hopefully

I thought for a moment.

I focussed on Frankie’s lingering smell of coco pops and apple juice and started to sing…

“Come stop you crying, it will be alright.
Just take my hand, hold it tight.
I will protect you from all around you.
I will be here don’t you cry.

For one so small you seem so strong.
My arms will hold you keep you safe and warm.
This bond between us can’t be broken.
I will be here don’t you cry.

Cause you’ll be in my heart.
Yes you’ll be in my heart.
From this day on now and forever more…”

Frankie started to calm down more as I sang and he stopped shaking as violently as I continued to sing.

“…Don’t listen to them cause what do they know.
We need each other to have, to hold.
They’ll see in time, I know.

When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you have to hold on
They’ll see in time, I know
We’ll show them together…”

I sang the last chorus and he had completely calmed down and started to mutter the words with me.

“Always…I’ll be with you
I’ll be there for you always
Always and always
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
I’ll be there always…”

I finished singing and hugged him tight.

“I meant every word Frankie” I said softly
“Did you really Gee?” he said hopefully
“I sure did baby” I replied

Later on I let him choose some movies for us to watch.
He came back with Tarzan, Finding Nemo, Shrek and The Lion King.
We watched them until we both drifted off to sleep.

*

I woke early in the morning and carried Frankie up to my bed and laid a blanket over him to keep him warm.

I sat and drew for a while but felt like I couldn’t stay still so I decided to quickly run out and get some more apple juice for Frank before he got up as it was still really early.

I grabbed some money from Mikey’s money jar on the kitchen table and ran out to the car.

I got some apple juice and coco pops then went back and grabbed a few more things just to be sure.
I wanted to keep him happy today.

I got in and could hear movement from my room upstairs.
I poured a glass of apple juice and added a pink straw, then headed up towards my room.

I looked through the crack in my door to see if Frankie was awake yet.

What I saw shocked the hell out of me and I dropped the glass.
It tumbled to the floor, splashing all over the carpet.

Frankie was sitting upright on the bed and Mikey was leaning over him.
My own brother was kissing my angel.
His hands were wandering across my baby’s chest and up his thighs.

My baby.
Frankie’s hands wandered hesitantly up Mikey’s back.

I took a few steps back from the door, having seen enough, trying to take it all in.
The scene was replaying over and over in my head.

I sat downstairs for the next ten minutes with a cup of coffee, staring into nothingness.

Nothing mattered anymore.
I hadn’t helped him and I deserved nothing less than what I had got.

Raised voices from upstairs startled me but I ignored them, trying to keep visions of him touching my baby out of my head.

The raised voices got louder and I heard bashing.
Something told me this wasn’t right.

As I headed slowly upstairs and I could hear Mikey shouting.

“You’re a fucking dirty little whore! That’s all you are! Not worth a fucking thing! Nobody loves you!” he was shouting

I burst into the room and saw in dismay, Mikey kicking Frankie in the chest whilst he lay crumpled on the floor, his nose and lip bleeding pretty badly.

“What the fuck do you think you are doing Mikey!” I spat

“Fucking Gerard to the rescue!” Mikey yelled and as he pushed past me I could smell the stale alcohol off of him.

“You can have your whore!” he said

I ran over to Frankie who was just barely holding himself together.

I rocked him in my arms until he stopped shaking and his hysterical breathing returned to something close to normal.

“Shit…G…Gee…I’m so…sorry” he stuttered
“It’s ok sweetie…I know it wasn’t your fault…” I replied
“But it was Gee… I shouldn’t have…” he muttered

I knew he was going to really beat himself up about this.
I just wanted him to know how special he was… I didn’t want him to feel like it was all his fault and that he had to be punished for it.

“Baby just relax…it’s gonna be alright…I don’t blame you at all hun…you’re so fucking so fucking special to me”

We lay there whilst Frankie’s whimpering faded and then I cleaned up his nose and lip as best as I could but he must have taken a pretty bad hit.

I sat him down on my bed and he put his head in my lap.

“Gee…we…were…” he didn’t finish
“I know…its ok…I saw” I finished for him

Fear flashed through his eyes for a split second.

“And then…I wanted him to stop but he wouldn’t and I told him I loved you and he punched me and and he kicked me onto the floor and kept kicking and shouting and kicking and…a…a…and” he babbled

His breathing was starting to quicken and I knew I had to calm him down fast.

He was getting really worked up and started to hyperventilate.

Eventually I calmed him down and made sure he was alright before left him to go and find Mikey.
He didn’t deserve to get away with this.

I entered the kitchen and overwhelming terror took over me.

Mikey was unconscious on the floor.
He looked as pale as a sheet and a tub of pills were lying next to him.
Some had spilled out onto the floor but I had no idea how many he had taken.

All anger fled from my head as I punched in 911 into the phone for an ambulance.
I ran upstairs to Frankie.

“Baby promise me… you wont leave this room” I said to him in a panic
“I promise Gee but…”

“Just don’t do anything stupid ok?” I snapped slightly at him
“Mmkay Gee” he replied quietly

I left the room and just then the doorbell rang.

The paramedics lifted my baby brother onto a stretcher and carried him out.

People were asking me questions but I couldn’t think straight.
It was all a blur.

Tears fell from my eyes.
The flashing lights faded down the street.

My vision blurred as tears streamed down my cheeks.

Darkness started to overtake my eyes.
It crept like a shadow over me.
I sunk into it.
Further and further.
I gave in.
Everything went black.

*

When I came round, the events of the day came swimming back to me as I struggled to get to my feet.

A sudden thought ran through my head.
Frankie.

I had left him alone upstairs for hours.
I scrambled up the stairs pleading with myself that he was ok.

I got to my room and saw Frankie perched on my bed sucking on a bright pink lollipop that I had saved for him a few days ago.

The TV was and he was watching Tarzan, I realised that it must keep him calm when he is worried and I relaxed a little.

He saw me and smiled but as he noticed the look in my eyes that I was trying hard to hide, his smile faded.

“Are…you ok Gee?” he asked me
“Yeah Frankie…I will be” I replied softly

I didn’t want to tell Frank about Mikey just yet… I could barely get my own head around it and I knew he would blame himself and I didn’t want that.

He didn’t need anymore pain. He had suffered that too long without me sharing mine with him.

I sat with Frank as we watched Tarzan and by the time it had finished, there was no point in sleeping so we got up and I went for a shower while Frankie got dressed.

When I got back Frankie came rushing towards me wearing only a pair of jeans and pinned me against the door.
He pressed his lips against mine.

I kissed him back with every part of my soul aching for his.
His hands wandered all over me, tickling my spine and slipping through my hair.

He broke the lock of our lips and kissed my neck.
He moved up to my ear and pushed back my hair.

“I want you Gee” he whispered in my ear, his voice full of lust.

I pressed his body closer to mine, feeling his warmth, his touch, his love.

He dragged his tongue down my chest to my abdomen.
I moaned in ecstasy, wanting more.

He stood up again and I undid his jeans and he kicked them off, my hands moved up his back, my nails lightly scraping over his soft skin.

I pulled off my towel that had been hanging around my waist and he frantically tugged off his boxers.

This time there were no doubts. No questions.

I thrust myself into him and he moaned with pleasure.
I felt his body shiver as he moaned louder.

I thrust harder.
I got faster.

He started screaming my name and it spurred me on.
My heart raced and my thoughts faded.

I felt my body tense.
I wanted to hold on to the moment of pure bliss but my body wouldn’t let me.

I put every inch of my heart, soul and energy into Frankie and I climaxed.

I lay with him as we caught our breath and then got properly dressed and went down to the kitchen.

“Gee…could I have some ice cream?” he asked me
“Of course you can!” I replied trying to hide my happiness that he seemed to be getting better but my beaming smile when I handed him a bowl of chocolate ice cream gave me away.

Frankie sat happily with his ice cream for a while as I watched him, smiling.

“Do you wanna go out today…?” I asked him, unsure of what reply I was going to get.

“Sure Gee…where do you wanna go?” he asked after a few moments of thought.

“Um… I thought we could maybe go to a club or something later on…” I suggested

“On one condition…”Frankie teased, running his fingers through my hair with a hint of a cheeky grin his face

“Anything” I said
“I get to wear my tiger ears!” he replied, jumping in the air

“I wouldn’t have it any other way sweetie” I replied, beaming at him

The weight lightened off me knowing that Frankie was happy but I still had a gnawing worry about Mikey in my gut.

I had never seen Frankie as excited as he was that afternoon. He was like a five year old on Christmas day.

He spent almost all evening in the bathroom and I started to worry but when he finally came out I couldn’t have been more relieved.

He had spent all that time getting ready and it had paid off. He looked even more gorgeous than usual.

“Fuck! Frankie you look fucking gorgeous!” I said
He just beamed back at me.

He was wearing a long sleeved black and red striped top with black drainpipe skinnys and a studded belt.
He had outlined his beautiful dark eyes in black eyeliner and had straightened his silky black hair which flopped over his face.

Of course he had placed his tiger ears neatly in his hair to finish off.

I had never seen anyone so perfect that they became imperfect.

I had just shoved on one of my black t-shirts and jeans with my leather jacket over it.

We left for the club and endured a fairly silent journey there.

Once we got there, I took Frankie’s hand which had started to shake slightly. His excitement had faded into a nervous expression and eyes full of fear.

When I had gotten a few drinks in him, Frankie began to relax and dragged me up to dance with him.

Stares and comments from onlookers unnerved him but he was having to much fun to dwell on it.

I could feel the pressure of my worry for Mikey who I hadn’t called or gone to see due to not actually knowing whether he wanted to see me or not.

It was building up inside me slowly but surely.
Like a clock, ticking away down to explosion.

I drank more and more and more, trying to drown out my thoughts and slow down my countdown but it made things worse.
I was trying to kill the pain but it was only bringing more.

In the end, Frankie half carried, half dragged me out of the club as that clock ticked away.

“Gee maybe we should get a cab?” he suggested, putting his arm around me.

“Get off me you fag!” I shouted, my anger for him starting to build up… my mind playing tricks on me, telling me it was his fault.

He fell silent but I didn’t want to stop there.
“Look what you have fucking done now!” I yelled at him

The time ran out.
I exploded.

“You good for nothing whore!” I shouted at him as my hand collided against his cheek, slapping him hard.

I liked how it felt and I slapped him once more.

My mind was swimming with hatred for myself that something inside me flipped it towards Frankie.

“You did this to me! You destroyed me! And you destroyed Mikey!” I spat as I punched him in the jaw and he crumpled to the floor, begging me to stop.

I kicked him in the gut over and over and he continued screaming for me to stop.

But I didn’t.

He didn’t cry.
I kicked his stomach and punched his face but he didn’t shed a tear.
His pleading encouraged my anger as it progressed.

He tried to scramble to his feet but keeled over in pain.

“I hate you!” I spat at him though my words were slurring and I couldn’t focus on him properly.

It was then that the tears came streaming from his eyes.

I stumbled away from him but only managed a few steps before I collapsed to the ground.

I woke up a few hours later and took a couple of minutes to realise where I was and what had happened.

My mind went from blank to terror in seconds and I yelled into the darkness for Frankie.

As my eyes adjusted to the darkness I saw him curled into a small bundle a few metres away.

He was trying to overcome an oncoming panic attack and I realised what had happened.
What I had said.
What I had done.

I could just have easily handed him a knife and stuck my fingers down his throat myself for all the pain I had just caused him.

I knew he wouldn’t ever forgive himself for this.

He flinched as I wrapped my arms around his trembling body.

“Baby I am so fucking…sorr”
“It’s…o…o…ok” he interrupted

He wouldn’t even let me apologize before he forgave me.

“I…I…un…der…s…stand” he said in-between gasps for breath.
“I sti…ll…l…love…you…no…matter what” he said and I broke into floods of tears.

“It was…a…a…all…m…my…fault” he continued
“No baby! Don’t ever think it’s your fault…it’s never your fault sweetie ok?” I said to him

“Ok Gee” he said quietly but I know he didn’t believe me

I promised myself that night that I would never let it happen again as I drove us home and curled up with Frankie thanking god I still had him.

Three months later it had happened again.
Not just once but so many times I couldn’t even remember.

Almost every night I would get drunk at home or drag Frank off to the club and then would take out my frustration on my baby by shouting and punching and kicking him until I lost consciousness.

The next morning I would wake up sober and apologize to him but he would forgive me with the click of my fingers and it would start all over again.

During those months I knew deep down that Frank was still hurting himself in any way possible to punish himself for my actions.

I could feel his pain and I could feel Mikey’s pain yet it just made me worse.

One evening I decided to call the hospital and find out if Mikey could come home yet.
They told me that he had made several attempts to suicide since the first and he was to stay for at minimum another three months.

That broke me into a million shattered pieces.
To fix myself I began to drink.

I found Frank hiding in the bathroom and beat him harder than usual followed by more screaming and finally I lost myself and smashed his head against the sink to keep him quiet.

I stumbled to the living room and passed out on the sofa.

Hours later I awoke to sirens nearing the house followed by a knock at the door and I wandered over to answer it.

A rush of paramedics and police came running in and I tried to run to the bathroom to get Frankie but they got to him first.

He was lying on a stretcher while they held his arms and legs down.
He was screaming for me and crying hysterically.

I held his hand until they reached the ambulance, I knew I couldn’t fight this.

I looked into his eyes one last time before he left, they were full of complete terror and confusion.
“It’s gonna be ok baby” I said to him
“How do you know Gee?” he replied

“I just know baby” I reassured him
“Gee…”he said

“yeah baby”
“I love you” he whispered

“I love you too baby…never forget it” I whispered back and kissed his sweet forehead one last time.

I knew I wouldn’t see him again

“You are a danger to him and yourself” someone said to me as they pushed past.
Those words echoed through my head.

In the space of ten minutes, my whole life had been taken from me.

*

At first I had tried to get help and I quit alcohol for six months straight in hopes of proving myself and getting Frankie and Mikey back but nothing happened.

One night it got too much…the silence that filled the house was unbearable…I couldn’t go on living without Frankie.
I screamed until I was gasping for breath.

I then decided what the only thing left for me to do was.

I tied Frankie’s belt to the curtain rail in my room and looped it round my neck as the insides of the studs dug into my flesh.

I no longer felt the pain.
I didn’t feel the pain of the studs in my neck as I stood on a chair ready to jump off.
I didn’t feel the pain of the slashes across my wrists that poured the crimson regret for my only love.
Frank Anthony Iero.

If you were here
I’d never have a fear
So go on live your life
But I miss you more than I did yesterday
So far away
So c’mon show me how
Cause I mean this more than words could ever say.

“Here’s to you Frankie…!” I yelled into the darkness…

-------------------------

A/N: Rate and review, make me happy and all that shizzle :) thankies
xoxo Stazzia