FicWad

Chapter Fifteen


We had made it to the last week of the tour, and while the guys were having areally good time and enjoying every minute of it, I knew that part of them couldn't wait to get home again. For the final week we moved to yet another hotel. There were only four more gigs to go, another radio interview and two more signings. Quinn and I finally had a room to ourselves for the first time this tour. Aaron was still with Jenna, and they also had a separate room to themselves. Apparently the concert tickets and merchandise were selling well, the album had only just left the number one spot and the single was still in the top five.
I opened my eyes and rolled over. Quinn was sitting on the armchair on the other side of the room shivering. I was a little confused by that, it was hot outside and I hadn't even been able to sleep with the covers on last night. I knew Quinn hadn't slept at all, I'd heard him get up several times in the night, throwing up. I gathered he was just sick from being so busy over the last few weeks and not getting a lot of sleep. But the more I thought about it the more I knew that wasn't it. Something else was going on, it was something to do with the conversation he'd had with Blake. But nothing fit with the situation, I just couldn't figure out what was going on. I was going to have to ask Quinn about it now, it had gotten serious and it was now affecting his health.
"Are you alright?" I asked, sitting up in bed and looking over at him.
He didn't say anything he just looked over with a vacant stare and nodded his head.
I got out of bed and went over to him, "How can you be cold? It's so hot. Are you sick?"
He ignored my question and picked up his smokes and lighter from the bedside table.
"What's wrong?" I asked, just wanting him to tell me.
He hadn't been eating a lot over the last couple of days either, and when Ibrought it up he just got angry at me. It was like every little thing set him off recently, and the way he had talked to those fans had been horrible. Ididn't want him to act like that again to people who loved them, admired them. No, this definitely wasn't just the flu, it was something much more, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.
"I'm fine, drop it Kate. I'm not in the mood for an argument," he said, sounding worn out and he walked out onto the balcony.
I slipped on a hoodie and a pair of jeans and followed him. Quinn opened the smoke packet, took out a smoke and put it in his mouth as he lit it with the lighter.
"I'm not dropping it. This is serious, Quinn, something is going on and I just want you to tell me! It's not just the flu is it?" I stood there, fuming.
Quinn didn't say a word, he just took a drag from the cigarette and looked over the city that our small balcony looked over. I didn't trust the railing so I stayed close to the wall.
"I know there's something you're hiding from me, I overheard you and Blake talking a couple of weeks ago," I thought that would have caught his attention, but it didn't. I was getting angrier by the second as he ignored me.
"Tell me!" I screamed.
All the worry had built up over the last two weeks and now I couldn't control how Ifelt.
I began to beg, "I'm worried about you, please? You know you can tell me anything, anything. We can sort it out, whatever it is," I pleaded and stepped in front of him so he would look at me.
"That's just the thing Kate. You won't handle it," he said, looking into my eyes, like nothing I said so much as phased him.
"Tell me, or I'll find someone who will," I threatened.
I was desperate to know what was going on. He'd never kept secrets from me before, what could there be that he couldn't let me know about? Didn't he know what horrible thoughts were crossing my mind?
"Kate, calm down, it's no big deal. Blake won't tell you anyway, he promised me," he tried to speak with confidence, but I could hear the uncertainty in his voice.
"So you're not going to tell me, is that what you're saying?" I asked, ignoring his request to calm down.
Whatever he was going through, it seemed like a pretty big deal to me. We could sort through it if he would just tell me, I knew we could, we'd been through so much together. I could handle it, we could handle it. I couldn't watch him go through this alone, it was making him sick. He must know that I would do anything for him to make all this go away, whatever it was. He was just so stubborn, and always so sure he could make everything right without the help of anyone else. But I knew it wasn't true, if he just told me I was sure everything would be okay.
"No, not right now," he replied, after taking another drag from his smoke. He had moved closer to the balcony, looking away from me again.
"Fine,"I yelled to his back and stormed out of the hotel room and down the hall to the room Blake was staying in.
I banged on the door as loud as I could. I didn't care about waking anyone else up, this was urgent, it had gone on long enough and I was over it.
"Hold on," Blake called from inside and the door opened.
I pushed past him and turned around to look at him, my arms folded across my chest. I was so angry. I hated not knowing what was going on with my own boyfriend. And worst of all, I knew it was serious, because it had now begun to effect our relationship.
"Tell me what's going on," I demanded, "Quinn is so sick, he's been up all night throwing up and he's freezing even though it's so hot. I pointed all this out and he refused to tell me anything. I'm not stupid, when I told him I knew it wasn't just the flu he didn't deny it. There is something more to this and Iknow it. Please, Blake?" I felt a tear roll down my face.
I walked over to the small couch and sat down on it. Blake cautiously sat down beside me.
"I know how hard it is for you. But if I did tell you, I'm afraid he'll never speak to me again. He'll be so mad. And besides, I'm sure he is getting the...situation, under control. Just give it a couple more days and I know everything will be fine," he said softly, trying to reason with me and calm me down.
I had to try to be patient with him, after all, it wasn't his fault and I didn't want to take it out on him. If I wanted to find out the truth right now I was going to have to relax, and show that I could handle whatever it was. I sat for a moment, thinking of the right thing to say.
"How serious is it?" I asked, pulling my legs up onto the couch and hugging them, resting my chin on my knees, "and don't sugar-coat your answer."
"I guess you could say it was quite serious. I'm pretty sure he's starting to handle it now, though. He won't let anyone else help he wants to do it on his own. He wouldn't have told me, but I found out myself," Blake said running his hand through his hair.
"It's driving me crazy Blake. It's starting to wreck our relationship, I'm worried for his health and I just need to know," I said, standing up from the couch, knowing that Blake wasn't going to tell me.
"I'm sorry. I want to tell you, but I...just talk to him, okay? If I thought he was in serious danger, I would tell you. I promise," he said, obviously feeling sorry for me.
I could tell Blake really did want to tell me. I was a little bit angry at Blake though, he could have told me. I guess Quinn was lucky to have such a reliable friend.
"I know. I don't want you to feel like you have to tell me. It's just he's refusing to tell me anything," I said.
Blake gave me a comforting hug before I left the room and headed down the hall back to our room. He still wasn't letting any hints in so I wasn't any closer to figuring it out when I got back to our room.
"You're right, he wouldn't tell me, but he wants to," I said to Quinn who was sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands, "So now it's up to you."
"Kate, I can't tell you just yet. I don't want you getting involved," he said, looking up at me.
I couldn't believe the boy I was looking at, the boy I couldn't recognize. His skin was the palest I had ever seen it, and his eyes were red from crying, but the dark circles were still there. I just wanted to scream at him and get him to tell me, but he was so determined not to, and it made no sense to me at all.
"Involved? Are you kidding me? I'm already involved can't you see what this is doing to me?" I said, moving closer to him.
Somehow, I needed him to see how serious this was, how if he just told me what was going on, it would be so much better.
Quinn just shook his head, looking down at the ground.
"Right,"I said.
I made an impulsive decision, opened the wardrobe and hauled out my suitcase. I threw it on the bed and opened it. We basically lived out of the suitcases, so I didn't have a lot to pack up. I threw the few things of mine that were lying around in it and Quinn looked around to see what I was doing. He jumped up from the bed once he saw.
"What are you doing?" he asked, alarmed, panic covered his face.
"What does it look like?" I snapped, "I can't deal with this. I'm tired of all the secrecy. Either you tell me now, or I'm going home," I threatened.
I wasn't thinking straight but I was going out of my mind. It was my last resort to get him to tell me.
"Kate, be reasonable," he pleaded, grabbing onto my arm.
"Me? Be reasonable?" I shrieked, walking towards the bathroom to gather up the rest of my things, "If you just told me what was going on we wouldn't be having this conversation."
"Kate. Fuck. Stop, please," he was begging me now.
I could see this was hurting him, just as much as it was hurting me. But it was his fault, he could just tell me now, and it would all be over. I couldn't understand why he was so determined not to tell me, why he insisted on getting through it alone. It made no sense to me, and I had to get away from it, because if I had to be around this any longer, I didn't know what I would do. Iwalked back into the bedroom and put my bathroom stuff in the suitcase and zipped it up. I heaved it off the bed and looked at his eyes. There was something different about them, but I didn't know what exactly.
"All you have to do is tell me," I whispered.
I knew I was being harsh and it killed me to do this to him, but I had to. I watched as he leaned back against the wall, I could see that part of him wanted to tell me. He knew the right thing to do now was tell me, but for some reason he just couldn't. The tears streamed down his face, and it took all my resistance not to give in, to stay here and just live with the secrets. But I had to do this, I had to stay strong and he needed to realize what this secret was doing to us. Blake said Quinn had it all under control, but looking at him now, I didn't believe that.
I walked through the bedroom door, towing the suitcase behind me. Quinn followed me. I was a couple of metres from the hotel door when I turned to face him once more.
"Don't do this," he whispered, reaching for my hand but I stepped back so he couldn't take hold of it.
"Say you'll tell me, and I won't leave," I said. It was all he had to do. I didn't want to leave at all.
"I will tell you," he said, the pain in his voice was unbearable, "I just can't right now," he stepped closer to me again.
I shook my head and laughed, "That's not good enough. You'll just keep putting it off."
I knew he would just keep saying I'll tell you soon. He didn't try to deny it. I felt horrible, I put my lips briefly to his and stepped back and looked into his lifeless, flat eyes. They held no depth, and the sparkle had certainly gone. What was he doing to himself? I just couldn't figure it out, I'd gone over hundreds of possibilities in my head, but none of them fit. His expression was torn, heartbroken. This was one of those rare times when he didn't hide his expression from me. He held onto me, but he was too weak to keep the hold as Ibroke free from his arms and turned around to open the door. Before I closed it I looked at Quinn. He was still standing in the same place.
"I'll see you soon," I forced a smile.
They only had five more days left, three more concerts before they came back home, luckily they had already got all of the interviews and signings out of the way. Those five days would be hell if I stayed it had been hard enough over the last week, knowing that he was hiding something from me. It broke my heart as Iwatched him sink to his knees and I shut the door, leaning back on it. Icouldn't believe I had just done that, I tried to calm my irregular breathing. I couldn't believe the state I had left him in. I just wanted to go back into the room. I could just picture him there, on the floor, broken. But I had to stick to what I had said, because if I went back in there now he would easily persuade me to stay. I walked over to the lift not believing I was really just going to leave. I had enough money to buy a flight home it would only be ashort trip. I wasn't willing to take a train ride feeling like this. I was almost at the lift when I heard someone calling my name. I wiped my eyes quickly and turned to see Kyle.
"Where are you going?" he asked, a little confused.
"Oh, I'm going home early. Family emergency," I lied, it was the first thing that came to my mind.
"Oh, is it serious?" he asked, concerned.
Very serious, I thought. But I told him that it was all going to be fine, Iwouldn't be able to stay though. I said goodbye, got in the lift and walked out into the fresh air.
I stood for a moment looking up at the hotel it wasn't too late to go back inside. In fact, I was very close to turning around and going back, but I stuck to my plans and walked towards the street, calling out for a taxi.
As my luck had it, I only had an hour wait for the next plane home. It was just asmall plane, but I didn't care. I kept my head down as I walked through the airport, I didn't want anyone recognizing me in this state. My hair was a mess and last nights makeup, which I hadn't taken off before going to bed, had run down my face. I boarded the plane and took my seat. There was no going back now. I was going home. I couldn't get the picture of Quinn kneeling on the ground out my mind. I heard my phone ring and I turned it off before looking at who was calling. I needed to be alone for a few hours, or a few days rather. Ipulled the blind over the window next to me and leaned back in my seat. Idecided to try and sleep. It had been hard to sleep with Quinn up and down all night.
I hadn't expected to sleep but when I next looked up there was only five minutes until the plane landed.

- - -

I knocked on the door and waited, nervously.
"Kate, what are you doing here?" My mom asked me, giving me a hug.
I couldn't stop myself from crying. We just stood there for minute and then Mom led me into the lounge where she sat me down on the couch and then went away to get me a glass of water.
"Tell me what's happened," she said sympathetically rubbing my back.
"Mom, it's terrible," I whispered, I didn't know how to tell her what was going on,"Quinn's in a state, he's hiding something from me, and he's refusing to tell me anything."
After I had calmed down I told Mom everything that had happened this morning. Well, mostly everything. She was really understanding of everything, I knew we hadn't been on the best terms lately and I was so happy to be with her. I hadn't stopped crying from the minute I walked through the door and I was exhausted when I went to bed that night. I hadn't been able to go back to the apartment, alone. Mom had told Dad she would explain everything to him later. I was pleased about that, as it drained me to recount the story again. They offered that I stay here for a little while and I was grateful, I collapsed on my bed and woke up twelve hours later feeling only a little better. I decided to turn on my phone, wondering if I'd had any calls or messages. I had four voicemails. I sighed and sat up in bed to listen to them. The first one was from Quinn. Ilistened to it hesitantly, not knowing how I would feel hearing his voice again just yet.
"Come back, we can sort it out. You can't leave me Kate. You can't fucking leave me,"I began to cry again as I listened to his voice, and how much all of this was hurting him. The second message was also from Quinn.
"If you come back now, no one else will have to know. Please Kate."
I could hear Blake yelling and banging on the door in the background throughout the message. The third voicemail was from Connor.
"Kate, what the hell is going on with Quinn? Kyle said he saw you leave the hotel with a suitcase, apparently you said it was a family emergency. But I don't believe that, Blake and Quinn are locked in Quinn's room. Please ring one of us back as soon as you can."
I felt sorry for Connor, Kyle and Aaron. They knew less than I did. I listened to the last message on my voicemail.
"Kate, you really shouldn't have left. I asked you to talk to him and instead you left? He's a fucking mess. We've had to cancel tonight's show, and right now it doesn't look like we'll be finishing the rest of the tour at all. If you'd just stayed I know he would have been fine."
I exited voicemail and threw my phone across my bedroom floor. If Blake had just told me what was going on I wouldn't have left. I had to remind myself not to be angry at Blake. He was in a tough position and as he had said, if he thought Quinn was in danger he would have told me, so I had that to hold onto.
I decided not to get up just yet, I couldn't bring myself to. I pulled the covers up around my neck and the pillow over my face. How had it all come down to this? It was awful. I felt sorry for Quinn, yet I didn't at all. Why didn't he just tell me? I was so angry. Did he really care about me at all? Maybe that was it. Maybe he was sick of me and wanted a way out, so he wasn't telling me these things. Surely that couldn't have been it, but maybe it was. I sighed and dragged myself out of bed to pick my phone up off the floor. I had to make aphone call.
To my relief Quinn's phone went straight to voicemail, I didn't want to speak to him. For what I was about to do, I knew I was being gutless.
I spoke all my words slowly with a lot of hesitation and thought, "Quinn. I think we should have a break for a while. I think you need to sort some of your shit out. You're right, I can't deal with it. It's too much and I don't want to be a part of a relationship covered in lies and secrets."
I hung up defeated, not knowing how I should have ended the call. Should I have ended with saying I'd call him again later? I'd need to go and get some of my stuff from the apartment soon enough. I'd have to see him soon. Then it dawned on me. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of three years. I slunk down on the floor and couldn't stop myself from sobbing. I couldn't breathe and I felt like I was going to be sick. I took a deep breath, but it didn't work. My breathing increased and I ran to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. My shaky hands took the cup and I couldn't hold it still under the tap. I gulped it all at once and filled it up again.
"Love, are you alright?" Mom's concerned voice came from behind me.
I spun around and whispered, "I just broke up with him."