FicWad

I turned my head on the pillow to see Gerard lying next to me. He was staring at the ceiling.
“Gee?” I said his name softly.
“Yeah, Sugar?” He didn’t turn to face me.
“What are you thinking?”
He didn’t reply for a moment and I waited. Finally he spoke, “Do you really think there was a baby?”
The whole scene from last night came rushing back to me. The letter still lay on the bedside table but I could see it had been moved. He’d read it again. My heart was heavy. “I don’t know.” I moved over towards him and snuggled against his chest. “I’m still not convinced Merri wrote the letter.”
He moved slightly and gave me a puzzled look, “Why would you question that? Ray’s positive it’s her handwriting.”
“Where has it been all these years? Why did someone send it now? Gee, none of this makes any sense. If Merri did write that letter why didn’t she mail it?”
He rubbed his eyes and I wondered if he’s slept at all. “Ray hates me even more now.” He whispered, “He thinks she was pregnant with my child when she died.”
“Maybe that’s exactly what whoever sent this letter wanted. I told you last night that I think that’s why it was mailed now. I think whoever is doing all of this either wrote that letter or found it. Either way it was mailed to cause trouble between you and Ray.”
He sat up quickly and reached over for his cigarettes, “Well it worked. You saw how pissed Ray was last night. He fuckin’ came after me.”
My eyes went to the bit of dried blood on his lip. Yeah, Ray had gone after him. “Gee what you said pushed him over the edge. You have to remember this was a woman he loved. Suddenly he gets a letter that he thinks says she was pregnant with your child. And on top of all that the woman he loves now is the one who read it first.”
He took a deep drag. “You’re forgetting something. Didn’t you hear him last night? He asked if she’d told me that night. He thinks she told me she was gonna have my baby and I went crazy. He fuckin’ thinks I killed her in a fit of rage.”
I sat up, “No, he didn’t say that.”
Gerard shook his head, “He didn’t have to say it. It’s what he’s thinking.”
A knock on the door prevented me from saying anything else. Gee made no move to answer it so I slid out of bed and wrapped the sheet around me. Looking through the peephole I saw Ray.
“Christa and I called and a car is gonna be here for us in a few minutes.” He said in a flat tone as soon as I opened the door.
“Ray, you and Gee need to talk about this. You can’t let this letter drive you two apart.”
He wouldn’t meet my eyes, “I’d like the letter back.”
I could see the anger in his face. I stepped back and let him enter the room. He spotted the letter and moved quickly to grab it and the envelope. I tried to talk to him as he headed back out the door.
“Ray don’t. Don’t let this happen. You and Gerard need each other, now more than ever. Whoever mailed this letter wants this to happen. They want to drive a wedge through your friendship.”
He walked out then turned, “Our friendship? I’m not sure that’s what we have anymore. I’m not sure of anything.”
As I watched him walk away I heard Gee moving around the room. I closed the door and turned to see him dressing quickly.
“What are you doing?”
He spoke while sitting down to put on his shoes, “I gotta talk to him.”
I wasn’t sure that was such a good idea at this moment. “You need to talk to him when it’s just the two of you. Not with me or Christa around.”
He sat back in the chair looking defeated, “Shit.” He muttered.
I crossed over to the chair and knelt in front of him. “Gee, give him a little time. Think how hard it was for him to see that letter. Remember he has to deal not only with it but with Christa too.”
“Christa?”
Lord, sometimes men are clueless. “Think about how this is for her. She’s getting to see firsthand how much Ray loved another woman. That’s gotta be hard for her.”
“You can bet she fucking hates me.”
“She loves Ray. Just like me anything that messes with her man hurts her too.” I reached out and pushed a stray stand of ebony hair from his eyes.
“What if it was Helen who sent the letter?”
The question was one I had already considered, “It’s possible she found the letter sealed among Merri’s things but I don’t know why she would have mailed it.”
“What if it wasn’t sealed?”
I stood and moved over to the bed where I sat down while pondering the question. “Gee, I really think if she’d read that letter she would have taken it to your mom. She and Donna are still close. I think she would have shown it to Donna and demanded to speak to you. Besides she knows Ray doesn’t live at his mom’s anymore. Why would she have sent it there?”
“Why would anyone send it there?” He asked.
I thought a minute before answering, “I keep coming back to my original thought. This was done to drive a wedge between you and Ray. Whoever mailed that letter knew how it would mess with Ray’s mind. Just getting a letter from Merri written years ago would freak him out. The envelope is the same handwriting. If it really is hers then they wanted the whole thing to freak him out. If Merri really wrote the letter than it had to be mailed to the address on the envelope.”
“I’m so fuckin’ tired of this.” He said standing to get his pack of cigarettes, “Should I tell Ray what you thought about the baby? Should I tell him that she might not have meant she was pregnant but that she already had a kid?”
Glancing at the clock I knew he and I had to get going. As I started to dress I answered him, “I don’t think I would say anything about that, at least not now. Give him some time. Let him deal with this without adding any more to it.”
I finished dressing while he sat there lost in thought. I wished with all my heart I could say something to ease his pain.
“Laura, what if there is a child? What if Merri really did have my baby when she left?”
“But wouldn’t Helen know?”
“I wish I knew what happened. What if she took off and Helen didn’t really know where she had gone? Maybe Merri didn’t tell her she was pregnant.”
“But I thought Helen was the one who said that Merri and tried to commit suicide and that she’d gone away to get help.”
“She told mom that was what had happened but what if that wasn’t what really happened? What if Merri had taken off and when she came back told her mom she’d tried to commit suicide and had been away to get help? Helen loved her so much she would have believed her. She would have stuck to that story.”
Fully dressed I sat back on the bed and looked at him. “There is just so much we don’t know. Can you remember anything Merri told you when she came back that last time?”
He shook his head slowly, “I’ve been trying to remember the times she and I talked. I wish I had listened to her better.” He dropped his eyes, “I was so fuckin’ involved in the band and what was happening at that time that I didn’t.”
I knew we needed to leave. The next venue was still hours away. “We need to get going.” I reminded softly.
He sighed, “Yeah, life goes on, doesn’t it?” He added sending a chill down my spine, “At least for us it does. Merri lost that chance.”

We hit a drive-thru for breakfast and the coffee helped my groggy mind. So many unanswered questions were haunting me. I knew they were haunting my husband as well. The idea that Merri might have given birth to his child was heavy on his mind.
We reached the venue a few hours before sound check. Ray and Christa hadn’t arrived yet and I could tell Gee was worried since they’d left before us.
“How come they got their own car?” Frank asked as we walked onto the bus.
I spoke up quickly trying to downplay the situation, “They wanted some time alone to talk.”
Bob, who was playing a video game, gave me a curious look. I don’t think he believed my answer.
“Well, Ray better get here soon. He and I have some shit we need to go over.” Frank said.
Mikey and Alicia appeared from the back of the bus. “Hey, girlfriend.” She greeted me. “What’s up?”
I shrugged, “Not much.”
“Jenny was looking for you earlier. I think something is up with tonight’s Meet and Greet.”
“Well she needs to handle it on her own.” Gerard said angrily.
I turned and looked at him wondering why he seemed suddenly so angry. “Gee, I told her to come to me with any problems.”
He shook his head, “It’s not your job to handle that shit. It’s hers.”
My angry retort was never spoken because my cell phone rang. It was Jenny. “Hey, Jenny. What’s up?”
I noticed Gerard shot me another angry look, which I ignored. I listened to her a moment then muttered, “Oh, shit.”
“You aren’t going to leave this bus.” Gerard said beside me.
I turned away from him so I could hear Jenny better. I also didn’t want her to hear his remarks.
I spoke to her a few more minutes then disconnected. Gerard was standing with his arms crossed glaring.
“I suppose she wants you to handle something for her.” He said.
“No, actually she has tonight’s Meet and Greet is ready to go.” I sighed, “She was calling to tell me that she’s leaving tomorrow.”
“Leaving?” Alicia asked.
I nodded, “Yeah, she got a call last night from her step mom. Her dad’s had a stroke.”
“Oh fuck.” Alicia said, “That’s terrible.”
I saw the anger leave Gee’s face, “Shit, I’m sorry.” He muttered. I could tell he felt badly about his earlier remarks.
“I’m going to go talk to her.” I said. “She said she’s okay but she really didn’t sound okay.”
“I’ll go with you.” Alicia volunteered. .
I gave Gee a quick kiss on the cheek, “I’ll see you in a bit.”
He nodded, “Yeah, tell her I’m sorry and I hope he’s okay.”
“I will.”
Alicia stood at my side waiting to go. We started to leave the bus when Ray and Christa boarded. They both passed me without a word.
“What the hell is up with them?” Alicia whispered as soon as we were outside.
Briefly I wished I could tell her the truth. I wanted so much to be able to confide in but I knew that wasn’t possible. “I don’t know.” I lied.
“Shit they both look so pissed.” Alicia said as we walked towards Jenny’s bus. “Especially Ray. He looks mad enough to kill someone.”
Her words, while not meant to be taken literally, caused fear to creep into my soul. I tried to convince myself that Ray would never hurt Gee. He wouldn’t. He loved Gee like a brother I knew that. So what was it about Alicia’s words that had made me suddenly break into a cold sweat?