FicWad

I had just walked out of the bathroom when there was a gently knock on the door. Gerard glanced over at me with a look that broke my heart. At that moment I hated Ray for doing this. I just wanted all of this to go away. I didn’t want to see a letter from Merri and I certainly didn’t want to see how my husband was going to react.
Ray and Christa walked in without a word and Gerard closed the door. He didn’t turn around for a moment and I knew he was gathering his strength. Christa walked over to a chair and sat down. Ray continued to stand.
“Okay, start at the beginning.” Gerard said turning around.
Ray looked over at Christa and nodded.
“I got a call from Ray’s mom the day before yesterday.” Christa said speaking quietly. “She told me that a letter had been delivered and it was for Ray. I really didn’t think much about it but I told her I was going to be in the neighborhood and I’d pick it up. I was planning on giving it to Ray when I saw him.” She took a deep breath, “But when I picked it up something about it bothered me. I mean I’m not jealous but I could tell the handwriting was feminine and familiar.”
I walked over to Gerard and took his hand. He allowed me to lead him to the bed where we sat down.
Christa continued, “So when I got home I looked up the return address on the Net. It’s Helen’s address.”
“So you assumed it was from Merri?” Gerard asked.
Christa looked down at her hands. “Like I said the handwriting looked familiar.” She began to wring her hands.
“You compared the handwriting to the letter.” I said softly.
Christa looked up and nodded, “Yeah.”
“What letter?” Gerard asked looking at Christa than me.
It was Ray who answered, “A letter Merri wrote me. I kept it hidden but Christa found it.”
“Oh” Gerard said softly. I could tell it was still hard for him to believe that Ray had been in love with Merri and that he’d hadn’t known.
“Did you open the letter?’ I asked Christa.
She looked up at Ray with tears in her eyes. He walked over and put his hand on her shoulder and murmured something to her. I was guessing the answer to my question was ‘yes’.
Christa cleared her throat, “Yeah, I opened it. It was wrong and I shouldn’t have but I did.”
“I told you, it’s okay.” Ray said softly.
Christa gave him a small smile.
“What the fuck does the letter say?” Gerard asked roughly. I put my hand on his arm to calm him.
Ray shot him an angry glance. “Thought you might want to read it yourself.” He pulled out and envelope from his jacket and walked across the room to hand it to Gerard. I noticed that Gerard’s hands shook as he pulled the single sheet of paper from the envelope.
“Shit, look at the date.” I said leaning over so that I could see the letter.
“Aug 12th 2003.” Gerard said in a shaky voice.
“Two days before she died.” Ray’s tone was flat.
Gerard’s hands were visibly shaking so I took the paper from him and held it so we both could read the words.

Ray

This is a hard letter for me to write but I know it is something I must do. I’ve wanted to tell you the truth. You are my dear friend and I wanted to share my secret with you. I hope you will understand and not be angry with me. Soon I will tell Gee the wonderful secret that until now I’ve kept locked in my heart. Soon I will tell him about the baby and I know he will want us to be together forever. Please forgive me Ray. I should have told you the truth about my feelings for Gerard when I first met you. It still feels wrong that I didn’t. But even when I did tell you the truth you still wanted to see me. I should have stayed away from you but I needed your friendship. Gerard can be so distant at times but I know things will change for us. I do love you Ray. You have been there for me so many times. Now I will ask only one more thing..please don’t say anything to Gerard. He needs to hear it from me. I know that when I tell him he will take me in his arms and tell me that everything will be all right. Our lives are finally going to be good.

Love
Merri

“No” Gerard shouted. He stood so quickly that he bumped my hand and the letter fluttered to the floor. “That was a lie. I didn’t sleep with her. There was no baby.”
The room was silent.
It was Ray who spoke the words I was also thinking, “You did sleep with her.”
Gerard shook his head vehemently. “The last time I slept with her was before she tired to commit suicide and Helen sent her away. I never slept with her when she came back home.”
“Are you fucking sure, Gerard?” Ray spat angrily at him. “You were fucked up so much maybe you just don’t remember.”
I had picked up the letter and reread it. A thought suddenly hit me making me close my eyes tightly.
“Laura?”
When I opened my eyes Gerard was kneeling on the floor in front of me. “Honey, what is it?”
I tried to gather my thoughts. Oh hell, what if…? No, not now. I wouldn’t say that now. Instead I took a deep breath and looked at Ray, “Are you positive Merri wrote this?”
“It’s her handwriting.” He said looking away.
“It appears to be her handwriting.” I answered.
Ray looked into my eyes. “Laura, I’m sure Merri wrote that letter.”
Gerard had sat back down on the bed and was staring at the floor. I leaned over and picked up the envelope. “Why if she wrote this letter in 2003 was it mailed four days ago?”
“I don’t know.” Ray answered.
I studied the postal mark and the stamps. There were two stamps. One a 37 cent stamp and the other a 5 cent stamp. “This was meant to be mailed in 2003.” I said softly.
“What?’ Gerard reached out and took the envelope from my hand.
The 37 cent stamp was the postal rate in 2003. Whoever mailed this had to add another stamp because of the rate increase.”
Ray began to pace the room, “Laura I know this is difficult for you and I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I answered automatically even though it wasn’t really.
I could see Ray’s anger building with every step he took. “So she was fucking pregnant when I buried her.” The words exploded from his lips. “Did she tell you that night? Is that what happened?”
Gerard jumped up, “Do you really fuckin’ think she told me she was pregnant? I did not sleep with her. If she was pregnant it wasn’t my baby. Look at what she wrote. She was delusional. Like I was fucking gonna accept some baby that wasn’t mine and marry her. Like we were just gonna live happily ever after.”
Ray came at him. His fist caught Gerard’s chin throwing him back against the wall.
“Ray, stop.” Christa cried out as she grabbed him.
He pulled away from her and started to go after Gerard again. I jumped up and got between them.
“Laura, get out of the way.” Gerard yelled fearing for my safety. His words stopped Ray.
“Fuck, I’m sorry Laura.” Ray said letting Christa take him back across the room.
I continued to stand but my legs started to shake. I steadied myself by holding on to the bedside table.
“Are you okay?’ Christa came to my side and touched my arm.
“Yeah, fine.” I answered. “But no more tonight. Not tonight.” I was dangerously close to crying. Suddenly I felt so drained it has hard to stand.
Christa nodded, “You’re right. We can talk about this tomorrow.” She moved to Ray’s side.
As they started for the door Ray stopped in front of me. “I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have hurt you for the world.”
“I know.” I whispered.
Gerard was still leaning against the wall. Ray’s blow had split his lip and he had blood running down his chin. I went into the bathroom and returned with a wet washcloth. He was sitting on the bed with his eyes closed. Carefully I wiped the blood away.
“Laura, what is happening?’ He whispered.
“Just what whoever mailed that letter wanted. You and Ray are at each other’s throats.”
“I didn’t sleep with her. It couldn’t have been my baby.”
I sank to the floor beside the bed. God, I could never remember feeling this tired. I hadn’t wanted to say this in front of Ray and Christa but what had occurred to me Gerard needed to hear. “You did sleep with her.”
He slid off the bed and knelt in front of me. “I told you when she came back that last time I felt sorry for her. I talked to her nothing else.”
“Gee, why did she go away?”
He gave me a confused look, “Because she’d tried to commit suicide.”
“That’s what she said?”
He thought a moment. “No, that’s what Helen told mom.”
God, my head hurt and my stomach was churning. I took a deep breath, “Read the letter again. She was talking about telling you about the baby. The way it’s worded…not I’m going to tell him I’m pregnant. What if she had been pregnant before she was sent away?”
He stared at me as my words sunk in. “But she was gone for three years. Why wait so long to tell me? Why not tell me as soon as she returned?”
I leaned against the bed and closed my eyes, “I don’t know.” I whispered.
The next thing I knew he had scooped me off the floor and sat me down on the bed. He undressed me, pulled back the sheets and gently pushed me down. “Go to sleep.” His voice was filled with sadness.
I tried to fight the fatigue that was overwhelming. “Gee, I’m sorry.” I whispered.
“I’m the one who’s sorry.” He stripped and climbed into bed beside me. He lay next to me but his body did not touch mine.
“I only know one thing.” I said forcing myself to stay awake just a few minutes longer.
“What?”
“You better take me in your arms right now.”
Still he remained away from me. “You should hate me. You should hate me for making our lives a living hell. Fuck, Laura you’re pregnant and the stress on you…”
“No, not a living hell.” I wouldn’t let him continue. “Gee, I need to feel you.”
He moved over and pulled me into his arms. Only then did I let sleep claim me.