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[14]

"I just want to get out of here, you know?"

Billy looks at me, leans over and ruffles my hair. "I know, Benj." He doesn't smile. I sigh, and lay back, spring grass tickling my face. The sky is darkening from bright blue to navy, the clouds on the horizon painted purple and pink. A sliver of moon shines silver in the early evening. I close my eyes and pretend that Billy is closer.

"I'm so bored," I mumble, fisting my hands in the grass. "I can be someone, Bill, I know it. I'm meant to be someone."

The grass rustles softly as he moves to lay beside me. My skin burns white-hot where his arm touches mine. "You're gonna be someone, Benji," he whispers.

His hand finds mine and my heart stops beating.

We lie in the grass on a hill overlooking Waldorf; two teenage boys holding hands in the dark.


[20]

"The van was big when we brought it, I swear!"

"Oh, sure." Joel drums his fingers on the steering wheel and turns sharply into a service station. "And the trunk was full of food, and your wallet was full of cash for gas, and your bag was full of clean clothes."

"But they were!" I lean through into the front of the van and grab a coke from under the dash on the passenger side, where Paul's legs are stretched out on either side.

I can practically hear Joel's eyes rolling as he kills the engine. He hands me two tens and a twenty. "Gas and food. We need it to last us three days." Mandy (the guitar tech) slides the door open and climbs over Billy's sleeping frame to get out; I start to follow when Billy's hands grab my hips. "Hey."

I smile and press a kiss to his forehead. "Morning, sunshine." (Doesn't matter that it's almost one in the afternoon, Billy's been sleeping since we left the venue at six.)

Everyone groans. Joel makes gagging noises. Mandy rolls her eyes and tells us to "just get married, already". Billy sticks his tongue out at her, and asks me to get him an Alternative Press; he hands me a ten dollar note.

As I get out of the van he gropes my ass. I laugh along with everyone else.

(But nobody else knows.)

[15]

"Have you ever kissed a guy?"

The bottom of my stomach drops out. "No." Billy nods at my answer, eyes fixed on the tv screen, hands fisted around the controller. "Have you?"

"No." On the screen, Mario jumps a mushroom. The Nintendo hums happily.

"Oh," I say. I crack open another can of soda. "But you've kissed a girl before, right?"

"No," Billy says simply, as Mario runs across the screen in his goofy, badly-animated way.

"Oh."

It's kind of weird, to find out that I've done something Billy hasn't. Billy just seems so much more experienced than me. I've kissed a girl; I've touched a girl's breasts, I've seen her naked. I always thought that Billy would have done the same things as me.

"I've never kissed anybody," Billy mumbles, pausing the game and turning to me.

"Um."

"You've kissed Kitty, right?" He chews on his bottom lip.

"Uh, yeah." I've been going out with Kitty for about a year, which is pretty good, high school standards.

"Have you. Um. Have you had sex with her?"

"Um..." I run my hand through my hair, my face burning bright red.

"Forget it," Billy says, "forget I asked."

I frown. Billy goes back to the Nintendo. After a moment I shrug and go back to my Kerrang!.

"Benji?"

I look up again. "Yeah?"

"Could I kiss you?"

I hiccup. "What?"

He curls his hand around the back of my neck, licks his lips, and he does.


[12]

Joel and I get home from school and dad and our older brother Josh are out front, washing the car.

"Hey, boys," dad grins, and ruffles Joel's hair; he squeezes my shoulder as I walk past him. Mom's watching from the window, blonde hair loose around her face. I wave at her, and she waves back. She looks so happy.

I call Billy when I get inside. I sit on the kitchen bench and talk to him about baseball on Saturday, and about the new girl, Kitty, who's tall and slim and dresses like she's living in the fifties. Billy says that he heard she was kicked out of her old school for setting fires. I say that she looks like my kind of girl. Billy says that he thought he was my kind of girl, and we laugh so hard that I fall off the bench.

When I hang up the phone I realise: he is my kind of girl.

I get a drink of milk and go outside to help Josh and dad with the car.


[21]

We're all hanging out at the mall, killing time before we have to head off to the next venue. Joel ran into the Simple Plan guys at the smoothie bar, and dragged Chris off to talk to them (I swear he's in love with Pierre, they just haven't realised it yet). Paul, Mandy, and Evan (our drum tech) are having a little orgy over by the CD store. Billy's nowhere in sight. I think it may be because his clothes blend into the darkness of Hot Topic.

"Um. Excuse me?" Someone taps me on the shoulder. I turn. "Ohmygod. I thought it was you!"

"Uh, hi," I say, looking the girl up and down, from her neon-green chuck taylors to her died black hair in pigtails. "Do I know you?"

"No!" she exclaims excitedly, grinning. "But I know you! You're Benji Madden, aren't you?"

"Yeah..." Oh. Oh.

"Oh. My god. You're like, my hero."

"I... I am?" I grin, scratching the back of my head. "Thanks."

"Could I get a photo with you?" she asks, whipping out a camera, "and your autograph?"

"Um. Um. Sure!" I'm absolutely stunned. This is the first time anyone's asked for my autograph, or anything remotely fan-like. She squeaks, and grabs me around the waist. I'm grinning like an idiot. I flash a peace sign at the camera, with the other arm around her shoulders; she presses the button, and-

"Oh my God, Benji," Billy says out of nowhere, "is this our first fangirl?"

The girl whips around and squeals when she sees Bill. "Oh my god," she says again, "this is the best. Day. Ever!

She grabs Billy too, and starts snapping away, eventually whirling away, leaving us stunned. I turn to Billy, and he turns to me, and we look at each other, and then back at the girl, who's practically floating out the mall's doors. And then we collapse in each other's arms, laughing our asses off at our first fan encounter.


[16]

"Dick!"

Mom's gripping the edges of the counter to steady herself, sobbing. My little sister, Sarah, is curled up in the corner of the room, crying into her arms. Josh is holding her. I have one hand on Mom's shoulder, while Joel storms around the room, screaming.

"Fucking asshole! How the fuck do you think we're going to get by without you, huh?" He kicks the wall, leaving a hole the size of his foot. "I hate him," he yells, "I hate him! How dare he?" He flings one arm out, gripping the wall, as if he would fall if it wasn't there. "How could he do this to us?"

I close my eyes. It's Christmas day. Outside, snow is falling gently.

"Benji," he whispers suddenly, looking to me. "Benji. How are we going to survive?"

My mother howls, pounding her fist on the bench.

"I don't know," I mumble, tears numbing my words. "I don't know."


[27]

Joel loves Rolling Stone. It's the one thing he doesn't despise about our father; his massive collection of Rolling Stone magazines, that he kept stacked in the garage and added to every month.

Not much of a surprise; Billy is an Alternative Press kind of guy. It wouldn't surprise me if he has every issue ever published.

Paul, amazingly, is really into NME. He's not really the British kind of guy; but when it comes to music magazines, NME is his chosen poison.

Dean, of course, loves the Word. It comes from drumming for Morissey, and is probably added to by the fact that he considers himself far to mature for the usual rock 'zines.

But I am a Kerrang! boy born and raised; which is why it was Kerrang! that I came out to.

I believe my exact words were, "Billy Martin and I are in a relationship. He's been my best friend since we started Good Charlotte, and now he's more." I also believe the exact words of many people on the Kerrang! message boards were:

"who fucking cares good charlotte are a poser band i thought kerrang was a metal mag"

"i knew they were all fags"

"First Nickelback, now this. What are you thinking, Kerrang!?"

"I KNEW IT!!!!!111!1 xDDDDD"

"Good Charlotte are one of my favourite bands. Congratulations, guys! If this is who you are, go for it!"

"omg gc r gayyyyy! i nwe it!!!1 gc r geryr than mcr wy do u car bout gayyy bands like gc?????//"

The Kerrang! message boards are a constant source of entertainment for me. However, Billy and I may have forgotten to tell the rest of the band and our friends about this.

One a.m., I pick up the phone to my brother yelling in my ear, "why didn't you tell me?"


[26]

I haul the groceries into the front hall, dump them on the mat. The life of a rock star is not all fun and games, as you may think. There is still grocery shopping to do, whether you live in Beverly Hills or not.

I kick the kitchen door open and press 'play' on the answering machine. Three messages. The first is from Sophie, "Hey Baby, just... calling to see how you are. I miss you. Call me, okay?" I smile. She's a good kid. I do love her, it's just... there's something missing. I hit 'delete', and make a mental note to call her later.

The next is from Pierre. "Dude, I'm in town. Call me, Seb's here too, we can jam." I grin wider. Maybe I'll call him back. I haven't seen the guys from Simple Plan since the tour. I hit 'delete' again.

"Um, hello. Benjamin?" It's an older man's voice. "Benji, it's me. Um. It's your father."

My blood runs cold.

"Benji, I'm so sor -" The doorbell rings, and I press 'delete' before I can hear another word. "It's unlocked," I yell, and the door opens.

"Benji," Billy calls from the foyer.

"I'm in here," I reply, willing my heart to stop jumping in my throat. He appears in the doorway, frowning.

"Are you okay? You sound kind of sick."

"I'm fine," I say, smiling. He looks at me, eyes drilling holes in mine. "Really," I mumble.

He studies me for a while more. "Okay." Then he steps forward, takes my face in his hands, and kisses me.

This is what I live for.


[19]

Four a.m., and I'm the only one awake.

It's the middle of January, and I'm freezing cold, lying on the floor of Billy's tiny house, curled around Joel (spooning isn't as weird when it's your brother) with Aaron's hand resting against my back.

"Benji."

I blink blearily up at Billy, who's standing in the doorway of the living room in boxers and a hoodie. "Mmm what?"

Joel moans "shut up" and attempts to swat me away; Paul pokes me with the toe of his shoe.

"You cold?"

I snort. "Fuck yes, you fool." I suck in a breath of stale air.

"C'mere. My bed." He offers me his hand; and I take it, scrambling over Joel to stand. He leads me through the house to his room, and I slide into the single bed beside him.

He slings his arm around my waist and pulls me closer; I lay my head on his chest. He smoothes my hair back and kisses my forehead.

"I love you," he whispers.

I smile sleepily. "Love you too."

I'm asleep before I can hear his reply.


[29]

I sigh. "It's so beautiful when you're looking down on it."

Billy smirks at me. He knows I'm quoting his favourite comic book character. "It is, isn't it?" His hand finds my in the darkness, and I rest my head on his shoulder, looking out over the lights of Los Angeles.

"We're here, Billy," I whisper. "We made it."

"Waldorf, world wide," he whispers back, kissing my neck.

We sit on the trunk of my car, on a hill overlooking LA; two millionaire rock stars holding hands in the dark.



[/A/N: My first Good Charlotte fic. Contains a very badly researched timeline, like most of my stories. xD]