Categories > Games > Metal Gear

Begin Transmission

by AuraSage 0 reviews

Liquid's codec escapades.

Category: Metal Gear - Rating: R - Genres: Humor - Published: 2006-03-14 - Updated: 2006-03-15 - 1513 words

Begin Transmission

[Codec beeps]
Master Miller: Snake, where are you?
Snake: Ugh, in the facility's blast furnace. The heat in here's unbearable.
Master Miller: I think you've been cooped up in Alaska for too long, Snake.
Snake: Is something wrong, Master?
Master Miller: No, it's nothing. I was just calling to check up on your progress. Listen, when stepping into areas like blast furnaces where the temperature suddenly ratchets up, it's best to take it gradually. It may be tempting, but don't rush yourself, especially with all those guards around.
Snake: [smiling] Those training missions in Zanzibar Land taught you a few things about warmer climates, didn't they?
Master Miller: [awkwardly] Uh... yes, yes they did.
Snake: Alright, I'll let you go, Master.

[Master changes back into Liquid]

Liquid: Zanzibar Land? I didn't know Miller was involved in-

[Codec beeps, Liquid hurriedly changes back into Master]

Ocelot: My ARM!!! He cut off my fucking ARM!!!

Master: Ocelot!?
[changes back into Liquid]
Oh, it's only you. Quit scaring me like that!

Ocelot: But my arm!!! He CUT IT OFF!!!
Liquid: God, Ocelot, that happened, like, an entire disc ago! Get over it! For a world-renowned gunslinger and textbook sadist, you've a remarkably low pain thre--
Ocelot: Shut up.
Liquid: ...What did you-
Ocelot: My aaaaaaaaaaarm!
Liquid: Revolver, if you're gonna be that much of a crybaby I'll just give you MY arm.

[codec beeps]

Hold on, I've got another call...

Vulcan: Raven: Sir, I can see Snake approaching the warehouse.
Liquid: [schemingly] Good, Raven, soon the PAL code will be ours and REX can finally launch.
Ocelot: Why not just let him through, Raven?
Raven: What do you mean?
Ocelot: Well, what's the point of having every guard try to kill Snake if we're riding on him to retrieve the activation sequence?
Raven: Huh. You're right. I guess there really isn't any point in trying to kill him.
Liquid: What insubordination is this!? Raven, have you forgotten Wolf?
Raven: You know, I don't think I've ever even met her. I can't remember the last time we were all together.
Ocelot: That bitch never gave me her number.
Liquid: What about Mantis? Doesn't he deserve to be avenged?
Raven: I never liked him much. That gas mask always gave me the creeps.
Ocelot: Oh, it wasn't the weird-psychic-music-floaty thing that did it for ya?
Raven: Nah, man, I do that stuff all the time.
Liquid: [exasperated] Look, there's a reason I'm not having all the guards throw their guns into Snake's hands and give him the thumbs-up symbol. It would look suspicious.
Raven: [Ah!] Shit, I've been hit! Can I go home?
Liquid: Whatever for?
Raven: I'm obviously not needed here. Plus, there are claymores, like, all over the place now, and I'm pretty sure that's a NIKITA tailing me.
Ocelot: Hey, you could join up with me. We could make a new Ocelot Unit. I'm a double agent for over eighty different organizations.
Liquid: WHAT?
Ocelot: MY ARM!!!
Raven: [in pain] Ah!
Liquid: Not you too!
Raven: Yeah, well, let's see how chipper you get when somebody tosses a GRENADE IN YOUR FACE.
Ocelot: Ooo, can I have the honors?
[Codec beeps]
Liquid: Ah jeez, hold on...
[turns back into Master]
Master: Snake, when fighting in enclosed spaces, it's always wise to plant bombs on ground you know your opponent must tread. Also, try scouting out a corner and using it as a post to fire remote-controlled missiles from.
[Snake's transmission ends, and again he clamors to remove his disguise, leaving his sunglasses on askew]
Raven: Dude, the fuck!? You just gave him directions on how to kill me!
Ocelot: Yeah, why would you do something like that?
Liquid: I was-
Ocelot: Shut up.
Liquid: [frustrated] THIS IS MADNESS!!!
Raven: My life gauge is plummeting, sir. If I'm gonna die, I at least need a cool death speech!
Ocelot: Be sure to mention me, Shalashaska!
Liquid: What the hell are you guys talking about!? Look how many times I died! Death speeches are so blase.
Ocelot: Shalashaska!
Liquid: What?
Ocelot: Nothing.
Raven: C'mon, people, seriously, on my last legs here.
Ocelot: Death speeches are all in the theatrics, man. (Freaky bird-head holograms never hurt.)
Liquid: Before you die, Raven, there are some questions I've been dying to ask you.
Raven: Ha ha. "Dying." Funny.
Liquid: Where do you get all that ammo? You never seem to run out.
Ocelot: It's easy. He just hides the ammo in his mustache. It's what I do.
Raven: Guys...
Liquid: Really?
Ocelot: Oh yeah. There's an advantage in having a mustache so bushy it looks like I should own slaves, after all.
Raven: Guuuuuys...
Liquid: And Ocelot, about that whole "double agent" thing...
Raven: Guys!
Liquid: WHAT!
Raven: I'm dead.
Liquid: So?
Raven: What do you mean, "so"?
Ocelot: Yeah, boss, you know what you promised to do.
Liquid: Huh? Oh, right, the death thing... sigh here goes...
Ocelot: Once more, with feeling!
Liquid: One's enough, you dandy!
Ocelot: Ah CHRIST MY ARM!!!
Liquid: Get it bandaged, you moron.
Ocelot: But every time I try to, I somehow bump into my rations, and then before you know I spill salt, and you know how hard it is to keep from rubbing your wound in it, you know, once it's all piled up temptingly on the floor, just waiting to be rubbed in.
Liquid: you bother using safewords when you're getting flailed, Ocelot?
Ocelot: It's "Shalashaska!"
Raven: Okay, why is Snake taking pictures of my remains? I don't care if he's looking for ghosts, he'll be casting away mine! I'll spook him. I'll spook him real good.
Ocelot: Sounds catchy.
Liquid: Something tells me that if I am to keep my sanity, I should end this codec conversation right now.
[codec beeps]
Speak of the devil...
[dons Master's clothes again]
Snake: Master, what do I do now that I killed Vulcan Raven?
Raven: Bastard... I'll be watching you!
Master: Uh... you may want to stop using your camera.
Snake: Why? Can the flashes trigger security cameras?
Master: er... yes, Snake. Yes they can.
Raven: Ask him whether he liked my speech!
Snake: [apprehensive] Did you hear that?
Master: Uh... in cold environments, sound travels farther--
Ocelot: Especially from the dead!
Master: [Shut up, Ocelot!] Uh... are you sure you didn't overhear a guard?
Snake: Unless the guard is a nine-foot corpse with half a plane strapped to his back, then no.
Ocelot: Planes are fun!
Master: [SHUT UP, Revolver!]
Ocelot: MY ARM!!!
Raven: Dude, just take one of mine.
Master: Ugh, I need some of whatever Mantis was snorting...
Snake: You're right, Master. The noises could be coming from continued psychic disturbances after Psycho Mantis's death. Ah man, does this mean I have to backtrack?
Master: Did you get the Level 7 key card?
Snake: Yeah.
Master: REX should be a couple of elevators away. Be sure to steer clear of the ravens.
Snake: What will happen once I get there?
Master: A few cutscenes, then you'll have to backtrack.
Snake: Screw that. Mei Ling, save my game. I'm spent.
[Transmission ends]
Raven: Looks like it's time for me to shuffle off the mortal coil, boys. Pressing shaman business.
Ocelot: [awed] What's shaman heaven like, Raven?
Raven: It's mostly just a sea of seals. They give you a club at the front gate. And ironically, death metal plays constantly. Whoops, those are the walrus gods calling! So long guys!
[Transmission ends]
[Solidus calls]
Solidus: Revolver, are you still undercover?
Liquid: Who the hell is that!?
Ocelot: Oh hey, Mr. President. Yeah, they have no idea. Fucking clueless, the lot of them.
Liquid: "Mr. President!?"
Ocelot: Don't mind him, George. He's slow.
Solidus: Quick, come up with some cover story.
Ocelot: [to Liquid] Uh, yeah, "Mr. President" is what I call my penis.
Solidus: [giggles] Oh, does that mean "morbidly small frigid noodle" in Inuit?
Ocelot: Give me a break, man, I'm like sixty years old or something. And you're not one to talk, crotch-grabber.
Solidus: One time! Okay, twice.
Johnny Sasaki: Hey...
[Laugh track, as if a favorite character in a sitcom entered]
Hey, shut up in there willya!
Liquid: Oh god, Sasaki, put your uniform back on!
Solidus: See, now that's a quality length gourd, my friend.
Ocelot: What I lack in erectile mass I make up for in my propensity for gunplay and superb skills of concentra-ooo, shiny mag on the floor!
[Triggers C4 in Baker's room and explodes.]
[Long pause.]
Liquid: Not again.
Solidus: Ah, his dad was a ghost. He'll be fine.
Liquid: Who the hell are you?

[Solidus stares at him sternly.]

Oh hell. Ocelot? Ocelot! OCELOOOOOOT!

Solidus: Good boy, and have fun with that FoxDie.

[Transmission ends]

Liquid: this thing over? Do I have any more lines? Anyone?
Crikey, I've been waiting all day for my speech, better rehearse:
LES ENFANTS TERRIBLES! Les Enfants Terribles. Les... Enfants-Terribles!

Johnny Sasaki: [re-enters, possessed by Ghost Ocelot] Good. Now once more, with feeling!

END Transmission
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