Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses

How Many Gunners Does It Take...

by Popcorn_Rose 9 reviews

Because sometimes, a joke just goes too far...

Category: Guns n' Roses - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Drama,Humor,Parody - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2008-12-02 - Updated: 2008-12-03 - 968 words - Complete

“Hey, Slash?”

The curly-haired guitarist looked over at Izzy, staring blankly.

“Uh… Yes?”

“How many Gunners does it take to screw in a light bulb?”

Slash raised a dark eyebrow.

“Uh… I don’t know… How many?”

“Let’s find out.”

With a childish grin, Izzy took out a pistol and shot the light bulb, so that the only dim light in the room came from the small window high up on the wall.

“Whoa!!!” Axl exclaimed, apparently not having heard their conversation… Actually, he had seemed to be asleep until the shattering of the light bulb woke him up.

“…” Slash stared blankly at Izzy. “You’re really bored, aren’t you?”

Izzy only shrugged.

“It’s dark…” Steven whimpered.

“Oh, shut up, you pansy.” Axl replied.

“We have to fix that now, don’t we?” Duff sighed.

“Of course not!” Axl exclaimed, sounding horrified. “We’ll just get someone else to!”

Suddenly, Izzy ran over and locked the door, which for some reason needed a key on both sides, and threw it so that it was impossible to see in the darkness.

“… Izzy, you better not have done what I think you did.” Axl commented threateningly.

“Oh, come on!” Izzy was grinning from ear to ear now. “Let’s see if we’re really as hopeless as the media says… We should be able to screw in a light bulb, right? There are five of us, it can’t be that hard!”

“Easy for you to say, Iz!” Axl exclaimed angrily. “You finished high school!!!”

“Screwing in a light bulb is not something it takes a high school education to do.” Slash pointed out.

“Well, they never taught me.” Axl defended.

“It’s a life lesson that most people learn around the time they’re ten.” Duff replied.

“Hey, blondie, shut the hell up.” Axl ordered.

“Ax, didn’t you dye your hair blonde a few months ago?”

“Izzy, you can shut up too.” Axl snapped.

“Can we just get this over with?” Slash asked, already sick of the dark room.

“Yeah, okay.”

All the Gunners jumped at the unfamiliar voice.

“Who the hell is that?!” Slash demanded.

“Oh.” Axl sighed with relief. “Buckethead… It’s just you.”

Dead silence.


In the dark, it was hard to tell who voiced what all the others were thinking.

“Oh, ouch…” Buckethead sounded genuinely hurt. “That cut me real deep…”

“Can we please just fix the light bulb and get out of here?” Duff was practically begging at this point. Nobody really wanted to be in the dark with Buckethead… He kind of screamed ‘serial killer’ to them.

“Yeah. They should be in the closet.” Izzy offered.

“Alright.” Duff walked over and opened the closet to get a light bulb out.

The buzz of a chainsaw was heard, along with a lot of screaming and profanity. In the dim light, they saw blood seep out on the floor.

“NOOO!!!!” Axl exclaimed, collapsing to the ground and burying his face in his hands. “NOT YOU, DUFF!!!”

“Oh my God…” Slash’s eyes went wide. Not only because Duff was just brutally killed, but because Axl seemed to comprehend that it was bad that his friend had just died.


“…” Slash sighed. Of course…

“Terrible, how that happened.” Buckethead muttered. He tried to make his voice sound sympathetic, but somehow, it seemed that he was grinning behind his bone-white mask.

His oddly blood-stained bone-white mask…

“Steven!” Axl exclaimed, turning insanely to the drummer. “I demand that you grow two feet!!!”

“… What?” Steven stared blankly. “Axl, I can’t do that?”

“Are you refusing?” Axl asked, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow.


The red-head grabbed the chainsaw from Buckethead’s hands and decapitated poor Steven.

“Axl! What the hell?!”

“Whaat?” Axl threw his arms to the side defensively… Accidentally impaling Izzy in the process.

As soon as he realized what he has done, he was instantly horrified.

“Nooo! Izzy!” He ran to kneel by his best friend. “This is a horrible, tragic accident that no amount of planning could have prevented!”

“In other words, manslaughter due to professional negligence.” Slash commented.

“You shut up!” Axl snapped. He then turned back compassionately to Izzy. “Don’t worry, dear friend! You shall not have died in vain!”

“Actually, I’m not quite dead yet.” Izzy replied, opening his eyes.

“… You shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!” Axl corrected.

“Actually, I think I might survive.”

“… Permanently mutilated-“

“Come to think of it, I’m getting better.” Izzy actually sat up on his elbows and smiled. “I’ll probably be okay in a little while.”

“…” Axl narrowed his eyes, then took the chainsaw and removed Izzy’s head.

“… Great.” Slash threw up his hands in exasperation. “Nice going, Axl. Now all that’s left is you, me, and freak-show over there.”

“… Hey, what’s that?” Buckethead asked, pointing behind Slash.

“Uh… Yeah.” Slash raised an eyebrow. “Sorry to tell you this, but I’m not mentally retarded. That’s not going to work.”


There was a moment of silence…

… And Buckethead took Izzy’s pistol, shooting Slash in the head with it.

Five minutes later…

“… Everybody’s dead!!” Axl exclaimed.

“Little late there?” Buckethead suggested.

“Life is no longer worth living.”

And so, the vocalist ran over and dove out the tenth-story window.


Distractions aside, Buckethead walked over to the closet, took out a light bulb, and screwed it in the empty socket.

The light caused immediately woke the Gunners from their dream, as they all found themselves in the exact room they had just seen their own deaths in.

“… So, Slash…” Izzy started, grinning mischievously.

“Don’t even start.”
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