FicWad

A/N: Okay, so I probably shouldn't have even written this one, 'cause now I'm gonna probably fail my history class and have to take it over again with my dumbass teacher, but whatever. IT was a Helluva lot more fun.

Disclaimer: I do not own the lyrics to "Can I Have a Kiss?"

Song Used: Kelly Clarkson's "Can I Have a Kiss?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thirty-Five: Can I Have a Kiss?
Puppet: Paige Waters

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Excuse me for this,
I just want a kiss,
I just want to know what it feels like to touch,
Something so pure,
Something I'm so sure of,
What it feels like to stand outside your door,
I'm unworthy,
I can see that you're above me,
But I can be lovely given the chance...

There was something surreal about being in the same room with all of one's closest friends after being away from them for so long. It was like all these people were ghosts from my past, suddenly all together in one place so that we could recreate a shadow of the way we used to be, when life had been nothing but high school and each other...before any of us had been jaded by the big, wide world out there.

But even with all the things that had stayed the same, so many things had changed, too.

Luke, my brother, once a tall boy with lean muscles, was now an even taller man with broad shoulders and thick arms. His hair was still the same spiny black, his eyes were still the same electric blue, and his attitude was still as sunny and bright as ever, but he was an actor now; one could never tell if he was genuine or not.

Mac, one of my closest friends since 6th grade and his twin brother, Keefe, hadn't lost their dark curling locks or their big brown eyes, but their faces had sunken a bit over the years. Keefe's mistrusting gaze had become even more doubtful of his fellow humans, and Mac...I wasn't quite sure what it was about him. He was different somehow, but I couldn't explain why.

Izzy, my best friend and her boyfriend, Joe, over in the corner dancing to the music they were making for themselves. She was still cheerful about most everything, but she definitely wasn't the same girl who would jump out of a 2nd story window because someone dared her to. He was still crazy enough to make Batman's Joker seem normal, but was far less vocal about his love for her.

Kevin, Joe's older brother and his girlfriend, Ollie, who was Izzy's older sister. They were watching their younger siblings and sharing a laugh at their antics, their hands loosely joined. Kevin was still the sweet, protective older brother, and Ollie was still unpredictable as ever, but both were much quieter than I remember them.

Nick...

He was standing in a corner by himself, leaning up against the wall and watching everyone with the quiet eyes I'd missed so much. As far as I could tell, he was still the quiet, almost shy one of the three.

Subconsciously I started toward him, almost forgetting the fact that he'd severed the bond between us. This was the first time I'd seen him since he'd told me he was done, and I wanted to much to touch him...but then I remembered.

Don't move,
I want to remember you just like this,
Don't move,
It's only a breath or two between our lips...

But I kept moving anyway.

He quickly noticed the change of movement and his chocolate-hued eyes flicked about to meet my pale blue ones, and for a moment I froze, breath catching lightly in my throat. Skin deep, he was still that handsome boy I'd seen wandering, lost and confused, in the hallways that first day of freshman year. His face hadn't tightened much over its structure like the others had; he still retained that puppy-like look of his, with smooth, healthy skin and soft features that were rounded off but not in the least way pudgy.

To my surprise (and delight), a smile, though smaller than I would've originally liked, slipped across that perfect face of his when he recognized me. My first inclination was to bound over to him, wrap my arms around his neck, hold him close, bury my face into his chest and tell him how much I missed him when I was away.

But then I remembered (again) that he no longer wanted me.

I approached slowly. I waved at him a little. I kept my distance, knowing that I would be too tempted to touch him if I came too close. I didn't spill all my grief, all my hurt, all my relief at seeing him again, even though it hurt to pretend like I was all right. All I said was, “hi.”

“Hi.” Nick replied in a soft, murmuring tone, as if he suspected that I was a bird and that if he spoke too loud that I would fly away. Gingerly, slowly he reached out and I was torn between flinching away from the friendly hug he gave or melting into it. If only time could freeze...

Even though the contact was brief and awkward, I felt such an overwhelming sense of conflict. God, I wanted to hold him close and feel his heart beating for just a few seconds longer, but then again I didn't want to tempt myself.

There were so many things I wanted to ask, to say, to do...I wanted to know why he left. I wanted to tell him that I still wanted so badly for him to be a part of me. I wanted to ask him if he felt this hurt, this confusion too.

I wanted to ask him if it was too late for him to kiss me goodbye. He had ended it all, ended us over a phone call while I was away and this was the first time I'd seen him since.

“How's life?” He asked as he drew away, his hands lingering on my shoulders for a little longer than I think he meant them to. His eyebrows tilted ever so slightly, his forehead creased, and a gentle frown tugged gently at those full, well-shaped lips in that cute expression that screamed concern, as if he was worried that something horrible had happened to me now that I didn't have him around to protect me anymore. God, I wished I could still want to laugh at him.

I blinked once at him, unsure how to answer. “You broke my heart,” I wanted to say, “how do you think life's been?”

I know why you left,
I can't blame you myself,
Must be hard living with ghosts and such an empty shell,
I tried to warn you,
I've been a mess since you've known me,
I can't promise forever,
But I'm working on it,
If I can't hold you,
Can I give you a kiss?
Can I have a kiss?

But that sounded cruel and made it appear as if it was all his fault that I was hurting so. And that wasn't true. It wasn't true at all.

It had been my choice to go study in Chile. I had been my choice to leave home for extended periods of time. It had been my choice to leave him to wonder if loving me was truly worth the pain of being separated for so long.

It had been my choice to agree to split up when I knew that was the complete opposite of what I wanted.

But I'd warned him, hadn't I? I told him that it was going to be lonely, both for himself and me, and he'd told me that distance couldn't weaken the love he had for me. I asked him if he would rather just end it before I left so what ended up happening wouldn't happen, but he'd said that there was no way he was going to give up on me just because it hurt a little to be apart.

“It's been okay,” I answered after quite some time, “the worst part is over. How about you?”

I see that you're torn,
I've got some scars of my own,
Seems I want what I know is gonna leave me hungry...

His eyes, crazy with the way they bore holes into my flesh but somehow didn't cause any sort of uneasiness like Keefe's did, flashed and I was sure that I could feel the deep pang of regret ripple through the both of us. I wasn't sure if it was for the same reason, but he certainly seemed awkward enough about it. “I...”

He drew in a deep, shaky breath, as if he was about to start crying. “I've missed you,” he whispered hoarsely, as if the words scratched painfully at his throat on the way out, “I was afraid that you weren't going to come and...”

Hope flared up in my chest as he steadily drew closer and closer, but like a kite that suddenly loses its wind it crashed back to the ground when he pulled back, an obvious war raging behind his eyes as he looked at me. Desperate to hear him talk like that again but knowing that it was just going to make me feel worse, I prodded him with a soft murmur. “And?”

He shook his head as if silently chiding himself. “And I just have to say that it's really good to see you again,” he parried, “you've grown up a lot.”

Don't move,
I need to remember you just like this...

I couldn't help but comply with the urge to look myself over, both physically and emotionally, for a moment to see if he was really just saying that to make conversation. The others had changed over the course of my absence, I knew, but I'd never really thought of myself as being any different then I'd been.

Sure enough, he was right.

I'd never noticed that the ground was farther down then it used to be; I'd gotten taller. I'd never noticed the way power surged through my limbs when I flexed them; I'd gotten stronger. I'd never noticed the change in my pant size; I'd gotten leaner. I'd felt them, but I'd never really noticed the scars on my heart; I'd been hurt in such a way that I would never forget. I'd never noticed the strength of my thoughts; I'd become independent. I'd never noticed the way I analyzed certain actions and words; I'd gotten wiser.

But was that a good thing? I looked up at him and he peered back, that characteristic soft, unsure smile gracing his features. I took a mental snapshot and vowed to never forget it; this may be the last time I'd ever see that adorable look again.

I didn't want things to change. I wanted to remember him as the sweet, sensitive boy I'd loved all throughout high school. I didn't want to remember him as this incomplete young man he'd become.

I looked back up at him, knowing all too well that an aching, unsure love flickered in my eyes. “You have too.” I replied quietly, recalling the pain I'd seen flash in his eyes just a few moments ago and knowing that that wasn't who he really was.

I know why you left,
I can't blame you myself,
Must be hard living with ghosts and such an empty shell,
I tried to warn you,
I've been a mess since you've known me,
I can't promise forever,
But I'm working on it,
If I can't hold you,
Can I give you a kiss?
Can I?

“Should I take that as an insult or a compliment?” Nick asked with the tiniest hint of a half-hearted chuckle in his voice, one of his hands coming around to scratch the back of his neck in that awkward way that I'd noticed all four of the Jonas boys did. His smile was still there, but it was no longer genuine; I was glad I'd caught it before it changed.

I didn't say anything. I wished he would hug me again. Tell me everything was going to be okay.

“Hey,” he suddenly looked gravely serious and his face came dangerously close to my own, his hands resting lightly on my shoulders, “you're not angry at me, are you?”

All I have,
All I can give to you I will,
Just promise this,
If I can't have forever,
Can I have a kiss?

So powerful was the wave of emotion that swept over me that I nearly broke down into sobs right in front of him, but I was somehow able to control myself. Of course I wasn't mad at him! It hadn't been his fault! “No,” I choked out, fearing that if I spoke too much that the tears would seize their chance at the distraction, “I just miss you.”

For a moment, I thought that perhaps now that I was done with school that maybe I could be his baby again.

But we couldn't trust the other now, could we? Even if we did go through with our plans to be together until one or both of us died, there would forever be that small doubt eating away at the back of our minds. I would worry that he would stop loving me and he would worry I would abandon him again...

He pressed his lips together and didn't say anything for a long time, but I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was thinking the same thing. He knew it was over, but he, like myself, would have to live with these memories for the rest of his life and wish that things had turned out differently. They would be ghosts, forever haunting both of us no matter where life took us.

“I'm sorry,” he breathed finally, giving my shoulders a gentle squeeze, “I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for making you fall in love with me. I'm sorry for making you believe in those stupid promises I made. I -”

I didn't want to hear anymore. I turned my head away from him and tried to make the rest of my body follow, but I was unable to escape his hold. One or two tears slid down my cheek and I hurriedly brushed them away, not wanting to seem like a wreck. “Nick...”

His hand, tender as it had been when we were younger, guided my head back around to him. Tears of his own silently trickled down to his lips, which came to mingle with my own for what felt like hours.

“I'm sorry I never kissed you goodbye.”

I know why you left,
I can't blame you myself,
Must be hard living with ghosts and such an empty shell,
I tried to warn you,
I've been a mess since you've known me,
I can't promise forever,
But I'm working on it,
If I can't hold you,
Can I give you a kiss?
Can I give you a kiss?
Can I, can I?
Can I have a kiss?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: I know, I know, I need to have more positive Paige/Nick fluff, right? 'Cause you guys don't like reading about our favorite little vocalist being all sad and depressed, do you? Just like I promised the next Ollie/Kevin thing will be positive, I'm making to same vow about P.W./N.J.