FicWad

Nothing To Lose

Chapter Title: What Used To Be

Silas and Jamie walked into the living room a few minutes later, and Bryan was leaning forward in the chair, his lips resting against his interlaced fingers. He had a worried look on his face and Jamie's heart broke for him. It'd been almost five hours since Bryan had found out he had a daughter and he had barely any time to come to terms with the fact. He knew it he had found out he had a child, which he knew was perfectly impossible, the only person he'd been with was Bryan; he'd be having a nervous break down of some sort.

"You should go talk to him," Silas whispered.

"I don't know what to say," Jamie protested softly.

"I don't think it matters. Bryan's probably going through hell right now," Silas told him.

Jamie nodded and walked over to Bryan and kneeled down in front of him. He put his hands on Bryan's and looked up at him with a look of concern on his face. Bryan glanced up and gave Jamie a sad smile. He gripped Jamie's hands in his own and Jamie leaned forward to place a quick kiss on his lips.

"You okay?" He asked when he backed up.

"I don't know," Bryan admitted. "It's a bit of a shock and I'm worried about how Diana's dealt with her mother."

"I know, but we'll get her and ourselves through this," Jamie said. "We've always stuck together with our problems haven't we?"

"True," Bryan agreed with a smile.

Jamie smiled and pulled Bryan out of the chair into his arms.

"Don't worry," he said softly. "She'll be okay."

Bryan nodded and looked at the Diana's sleeping form on the couch. He signed and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Sorry Jamie, it's just, I dunno, it's a lot to take in," Bryan said softly.

"Trust me, I know," Jamie said with a grin. "I didn't know my fiancée was straight."

"Ha, ha," Bryan said but he was smiling.

"Well, it's true. You had sex with a girl, so that makes you half straight," Jamie told him.

"Not really," Bryan replied. "Who says I enjoyed having sex with her."

"I wonder why," Jamie replied dryly.

"I wonder," Bryan said with pretend thoughtfulness and leaned down to kiss Bryan.

"I love you," he said softly.

"I love you too," Bryan replied.

Jamie placed a soft kiss on his lips and backed away.

"Come on, you can catch up with Silas, because I've been meaning to take Andy exploring," he said with a smile.

"Alright," Bryan replied looking down at Andy who was standing beside Silas. "Have a good time with Jamie."

Andy nodded and took Jamie's hand.

"Bye Bryan," they both said and Jamie kissed Bryan bye and they walked out after Andy waved to Silas.

"Do you think he feels uncomfortable around me?" Silas asked.

"No, it's the, us factor he's uncomfortable around," Bryan said with a sigh. "I was Jamie's first everything, from first boyfriend, to first love."

"So you've been with him almost two years right?" Silas asked, motioning to have him follow him into the kitchen.

"Yeah," Bryan said his eyes brightening with happiness.

"And you're marrying him?"

"Yep," Bryan said sitting down at the kitchen table.

Silas nodded as he poured himself a cup of tea. Bryan was watching him intently, as he looked around Silas's kitchen. It was a very plain kitchen and Bryan didn't understand why. Silas had always prided himself on his ability to cook restaurant style meals at home. He'd been going to school to be a chef but his Dean had told him to pick another profession because people wouldn't trust him to cook their meals when he told his principal he had AIDS.

When they'd lived together for the time that they did, one of Silas's rules was that Bryan was not allowed to cook meals. Bryan would always remember the amazing meals that Silas cooked.

"So do actually allowed Diana to cook?" Bryan asked him mildly.

Silas laughed and brought his cup of tea to the table.

"Occasionally," he replied with a smile. "I can't believe you remember my psychotic obsession with being the only one to cook."

"Of course I do," Bryan said smiling.

"Well, I taught Diana to cook so she's a good cook," Silas told him. "She has to be with the way Kayla takes care of her."

Bryan nodded slowly and looked down at the table.

"I wish I was there for her," he said softly.

Silas put his cup of tea down on the table as he was about to take a sip and reached across to grip Bryan's hands in his own.

"Listen Bryan," he said trying to get Bryan to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry I sprung all this on you like this. I would have told you sooner, but I had no idea where you were after we broke up."

Bryan nodded and looked down at their joined hands. Now that the shock was wearing off, the weirdness of being in the same home with Silas for the first time in almost seven years, and actually holding his hand was settling in. Silas was the first man he'd ever kissed, let alone fallen in love with.

"I know, I don't blame you," he told him. "Above all things, you were honest with me."

Silas squeezed Bryan's hands gently and gave him a reassuring smile.

"Things will work out soon," he told him. "I swear."

"I know, and I thank you for being there for her," Bryan told him. "I just wish you could have been more than an uncle to her."

"Bryan there's something I have to tell you," Silas said slowly. "It might put a damper on Jamie's plans for me, but it would leave Diana completely in your care."

"What?" Bryan asked.

"The court knows that I provide for Diana too. I didn't tell them how much, they don't need to know how much I take care of her, because it would hurt your case against Kayla. You see, for the past five years I've been almost a father to Diana. I've been taking care of her more than her mother has," he said and Bryan glanced away. "But I can't do it anymore."

Bryan looked at him confused and waited for him to elaborate.

"I'm dying Bryan," he said with tears in his eyes. "Not the "I'm dying because I have AIDS" speech I gave you a few years ago, but I can feel it, I'm going soon. I'm more tired and sicker that I've ever been. It's coming on slowly and painfully but it's coming nonetheless."

Bryan stared at him a moment stunned speechless but he cleared his throat and took in what Silas told him.

"How do you know," he asked softly.

"It's a feeling. The doctors haven't told me, and I have no solid proof," Silas told him. "But I can feel it, just as surely as you can feel that your getting a cold before your doctor tells you. I'm getting sicker by the day."

Bryan nodded and sat back in his chair. He remembered how Silas's AIDS had affected him while they were together. Bryan hadn't noticed at first because Kayla hadn't really told Bryan anything about Silas the first time he'd seen him. The day was one that Bryan would always remember.

Flashback

Bryan and Kayla were sitting in the chairs that surrounded the pool on their deck while she talked about something. Bryan never really listened to what she had to say. She just kept going on and on about someone that pissed her off when someone that Bryan had never seen before walked through the sliding glass doors that led to the pool. Bryan was sitting at an area that allowed him to see the guy from the side so the guy couldn't see him quite yet. He had medium length brown hair that seemed to curl at the nape of his neck. His skin was very fair, and he was just wearing a pair of swimming shorts.

He seemed well built to Bryan's eyes and he had a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Bryan suddenly mentally shook himself wondering in the world why he was staring at a guy and turned to Kayla, who was glaring at the man with a disgusting look on her face.

"Who's that?" he asked.

"That's my step-brother Silas, he just got back from being kicked out of college," said and Bryan nodded not liking the look that filled her blue eyes.

"You've never mentioned him before," he said.

"What's there to mention?" She asked. "My mom married his dad about three or four years ago, and he's been away at college for the past two years."

Bryan nodded again and leaned back in his chair. For some reason he was sure there was more than that to her step brother. And he was right, the next day when he knocked on the door to pick up Kayla for their movie date Silas answered and gave Bryan a smile.

"Hello, you're Bryan right?" he asked.

"Yeah, is Kayla here?" Bryan asked him.

"No," Silas said confused. "She went out with a bunch of friends."

"We were supposed to go out tonight," Bryan said with a sigh.

"Well come on in, she might be back," Silas told him with a smile.

"Alright," Bryan said and walked in.

"I was just cooking dinner for my step mom to cheer her up, you could keep me company if you want, but please if you do, don't touch anything," Silas told him.

Bryan looked at him confused and nodded.

"Sure," he said slowly.

Silas nodded and they walked into the kitchen.

"So your dating Kayla, I saw you two out on the deck a few days ago, she didn't seem happy," Silas commented.

"Oh, well I'd never seen you before so I asked her who you were, and she didn't seem to happy to start that conversation," Bryan admitted seeing as he hadn't been able to get Silas's image out of his head.

"Oh, we don't get along very well," Silas said mildly.

"Why?" Bryan asked curiously.

"We're just too different," Silas replied and went back to his cooking.

Bryan nodded and watched as Silas seemed to cook up a gourmet meal from almost nothing. He was surprised; he'd never seen a man cook before. His father always said it was the woman's job.

"Can you cook?" Silas asked him.

"I wasn't allowed to learn," Bryan told him.

"Why?"

"My dad thought it was the woman's job," he said softly.

"Oh," Silas said and smiled at him. "Maybe I should teach you how to cook."

"Really?" Bryan asked him.

"Yes, and you better feel special I don't usually allow people in my kitchen," Silas told him with a smirk.

"Alright then, I'm special, I didn't know that," Bryan said with a laugh.

"Well, you are apparently, but if I do give you cooking lessons, don't tell Kayla," Silas told him.

"Why not?"

"Just trust me, you don't want her to know," Silas warned him.

Bryan was confused once again, but he nodded and let the matter drop.

They spent the rest of the night talking about Bryan's cooking lessons, and about his father's stuffy personality when it came to women's chores. When nine o'clock rolled around Silas looked at Bryan sympathetically.

"Sorry about Kayla," he said.

Bryan shrugged and grinned at him.

"I had a better time here than I would have with her. She complains too much," Bryan told him and Silas laughed.

"Then why are you with her," Silas asked.

"I'll tell you when I figure it out," Bryan said dryly.

Silas laughed once again.

"You're way too, I dunno, you just don't seem like the type to be interested in Kayla," Silas told him.

"I know. I don't know why I agreed to go out with her, but I'm stuck now," Bryan muttered. "I got a system to tune her out and nod when I think it's necessary."

"Good plan," Silas said.

They spent a little more time talking about nothing really, just joking around, and then Bryan had to go home. He walked out the house and down the street marveling on how Silas was much more interesting than his step sister.

Time flew by and Bryan soon realized that he was attracted to Silas. He had been wondering why he couldn't stop thinking about the guy. It finally clicked that he was into Silas and it took some getting used to. He knew his dad was homophobic anytime he saw anything related to a gay man, he even destroyed Bryan's Elton John CD.

He walked up the steps to Kayla's house and knocked one day. The familiar sight of Silas's face appeared and he grinned.

"Come on in," he said and stepped aside to let Bryan in.

"Silas can I talk to you about something if you promise not to freak out on me," he asked him.

"Sure, come on in and sit down," he said leading him to the living room.

They both sat down on the couch and Bryan looked at him and nervously licked his lips.

"I think I know why I was never attracted to your sister all that much," he told him.

"Aren't you two having sex?" Silas asked and Bryan jumped.

"How'd you know?"

"She brags," Silas said with a shrug.

"Then you'd know it was her making the moves and I just go along with it because I'm a teenage guy that got lonely," Bryan told him causing Silas to laugh.

"Had a feeling," He agreed. "Anyways, what were you saying?"

"I think I'm gay," he blurted out quickly before he lost his nerve.

He had no idea why he was telling Silas this, but he felt as if Silas was the only that he could trust. He'd gone through with his cooking lessons and Silas seemed to really care about him as a friend, and he hoped Silas wouldn't change his mind after he found out.

"What?" Silas asked him shocked.

"I think I'm gay," Bryan repeated slower this time.

Silas stared at him wide eyed and then seemed to relax.

"Why?" Silas asked.

Bryan blushed and looked away from him.

"I think I'm falling in love with another guy," he said softly.

"Oh," Silas said and put his hand on Bryan's shoulder.

"Don't worry about it, it's not as if it's the end of the world," Silas said with a smile.

"You don't understand, my dad will kill me, he thinks gay guys are the scum of the earth, and well, I don't know, I'm just scared," Bryan told him.

Silas nodded and wrapped an arm around Bryan.

"It's okay," he told him with a smile. "Things will be alright. Just, don't tell him right away, and especially don't tell Kayla."

"Why?"

"Kayla didn't tell you? I thought for sure she would have told you by now."

"She hasn't told me what?" Bryan asked.

"The reason why Kayla hates me is because I'm gay Bryan," Silas told him.

Bryan stared at him and felt a bit of hope rising in his chest. He knew now wasn't the time to admit his feelings to Silas but at least he knew it was possible for Silas to feel the same way towards him.

"Thanks for letting me tell you," Bryan said.

"What else am I here for?" Silas asked and smiled.

Bryan tilted his head to the side and looked at Silas.

"Are you okay, you look a little pale," Bryan said.

"I think I'm catching a cold," Silas said.

"In the middle of August?"

"It's possible," Silas protested and Bryan smirked.

"Uh huh," he said. "I just wanted to stop by quickly before work to talk to someone, so I guess I'll see you later."

"Bye Bryan," Silas said and Bryan stood up. "Good luck."

"Thanks," Bryan said with a smile and walked out.

The next day Bryan told Kayla that he wasn't into her anymore and that they should break up, she agreed after a minimal amount of melodrama, which was a nice change from the usual Kayla. He didn't let his break up with Kayla stop him from going over to see Silas, seeing as one, Silas was teaching him to cook, and two, he was sure by now that he was in love with the man.

A week later, Bryan was sitting at the kitchen table while Silas was cutting food throw into a pot for dinner, just letting his mind wander. He was off in his own world when the knife Silas was using dropped to the floor.

"Shit," he heard Silas mutter and jumped up.

"You okay," he asked rushing to Silas's side.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Silas said through gritted teeth.

"Bull shit, you're bleeding," Bryan told him.

"I'm fine," Silas told him.

"Nonsense, come on," Bryan said and pulled Silas over to the sink to rinse off the cut and then pushed him into a kitchen chair.

Silas was still protesting but Bryan ignored him. He wrapped the cut in a band aide, and smiled at him. Silas was staring at him in annoyance and Bryan smirked. If Silas was already mad, it wouldn't hurt to try and cheer him up. He leaned up and placed a soft kiss on Silas's lips, intending to back away as soon as possible. But Silas, through his surprise, kissed him back. Bryan continued the kiss heartened by Silas's reaction. Silas threaded his fingers into Bryan's hair and deepened the kiss.

"Wow," Bryan said when Silas backed away.

Silas gave him a small smile and sat back in his chair.

"Listen Bryan, there's some things you should know about me if you want to be with me," he told him.

"What is it?" Bryan asked nervously.

"I'm sick," Silas told him and sighed. "I have AIDS."

"What?" Bryan asked shocked.

Silas nodded and waited for Bryan to reply. Bryan sat still staring at him with a look of shock on his face. Silas got up, threw away the food he'd been chopping and washed the knife and cutting board with his good hand while waiting for Bryan to reply. As he was washing out the sink Bryan walked up behind Silas and made him turn and face him.

"What?" Silas asked but Bryan didn't reply.

He cupped Silas's face in his hands and kissed him.

"I don't care," he said softly.

Silas stared at him in shock and a slow smile was threatening to cover his face.

"So you don't mind being in a relationship with no sex?" he asked him.

"It doesn't matter to me," Bryan told him softly. "I just want to be with you."

Silas nodded and leaned down to kiss him. Bryan wrapped his arms around Silas's neck and kissed him back. They heard something crash and both turned to see Kayla standing in the door way a broken figurine on the ground staring at them wide eyed.

"You broke up with me to screw around with him!" she screeched and Bryan smirked.

"So what?" he asked coldly.

Kayla threw him a furious glance and ran out of the room.

"You really shouldn't have pissed her off. She's quite a conniving bitch," Silas told him mildly.

"Oh well. Nothing she does can hurt me, I really never cared about her," he told him.

"Neither did I," Silas told him.

Bryan shrugged and smiled at him. At that moment in time, Kayla was the last person on his mind.

"Let's go for a swim," he suggested and Silas nodded.

They walked out on the deck, took their t-shirts off and jumped into the water. Silas swam up behind Bryan, wrapped his arms around him, and Bryan leaned back against Silas's chest.

"You're the man I was talking about last week," he told him softly.

"I know," Silas replied just as softly running his fingers through Bryan's curls. "That's why I told you about my having AIDS."

A few weeks later school started back up and Kayla left for her public school. Bryan was going to a local school and Silas was a common sight picking Bryan up after school and taking him out to eat. Bryan got tired of lying to his parents so he told his mom and dad about dating Silas and promptly got kicked out of his house by his father. Silas had moved into a local flat by then and let Bryan stay with him on the grounds that they have different bedrooms.

Bryan wasn't happy about the arrangement but moved in. The different bedrooms didn't matter; they often fell asleep in each others arms in one or the other's bed. While they were living together Silas told him about David giving him AIDS, and he also told him that he hadn't told his father because, even though his father didn't like him being gay, he knew his dad would be broken hearted. Silas was the only person in his dad's life for a very long time. Silas's mom had died giving birth to him, so until his father married Kayla's mother, it was only him and Silas. The whole time they lived together, Silas had not contacted his family. Bryan would wake up at night and wind up spending the night taking care of Silas who was getting sick in the bathroom. Or, having to cover him up with an extra blanket because Silas was shivering like he was freezing to death, and he often offered Silas massages because he knew Silas was aching from head to toe.

They lived together for three years, and near the end of the third year, the no sex rule was really getting to Bryan. He knew Silas was just protecting him, but they were madly in love, and Bryan was still only nineteen years old. He was expected to want sex in a relationship. He finally understood why Silas wanted him to know that there would be no sex right away, that way he had a chance to back down. After a while Silas noticed his unhappiness and told Bryan that he thought they should just end things, so he could be happy. When Bryan protested Silas just smiled and shook his head, telling him that was going to be fine. So Bryan had moved out and promised himself he wouldn't look back, that Silas was right.

End Flashback

"When we get back to America, I'm going to look into a specialist for you," Bryan promised him. "That way the process will be less painful for you."

"Thank you," Silas said softly.

They looked at the door way when they heard someone walking into the room. Diana was standing in the door way yawning.

"Hey honey," Silas said smiling.

"Hello," she said and stared at Bryan. "So you're my daddy?"

"Yeah, I am," Bryan said with a soft smile on his lips.

"Where've you been? Mom said you hate me. Do you hate me?" She said him.

"I've been in America because I didn't know you existed," Bryan told her. "And no, I don't hate you."

"Good," she said smiling.

Diana sat in one of the seats and turned to Silas.

"Is dinner done?" she asked him.

"Actually yes it is," he said and got up to pour her a bowl of stew. "You want some Bryan?"

"No, thanks," he said smiling.

Silas nodded and sat back down placing Diana's bowl in front of her. Bryan looked at Silas suddenly aware of how awkward the situation really was.

"It's a bit weird seeing you again," he said looking at Silas.

"I've noticed," Silas said with a grin.

"I missed you," Bryan admitted quietly.

Silas stared at him in shock at the statement.

"I mean, I love Jamie, don't get me wrong. Jamie's my soul mate," Bryan said quickly. "But before we were together and a few times after we got together I would find myself wondering on what might have been between us two."

Silas nodded and gave him a sad understanding smile.

"I did the same. I mean, after you there was no one else who was really willing to take the risk, but I know how you feel," he said. "I'd actually like to hear more about Jamie, though, so I can know that you'll be happy with him."

"I am extremely happy with him, and always will be," Bryan said. "I met Jamie at a pub one day, and he wanted me to take him home. I did but we didn't sleep together. At least not that night."

Silas couldn't help but grin at Bryan's blush. It was obvious that Jamie had made all the moves in their relationship.

"We started dating after that, and we just never stopped. I knew I was falling in love with him. The night I met Jamie was the night that he told his friends that he was gay," Bryan told him. "He just seemed to want to be with someone. A few months later we went to America to visit a friend of his, and someone saw me and him together and I was jumped after Jamie went back to the place we were staying. While I was in the hospital Jamie told me he loved me, which of course I replied in kind to. It wasn't long before we bought ourselves a place to stay and became citizens in America. Jamie is going to college to be a fashion designer and I'm a child psychologist."

"He's cute," Diana said quickly.

"Jamie? Yes, he's very cute," Bryan agreed with a laugh.

"What about uncle Silas?"

"Your uncle is very good looking," Bryan told her and she nodded.

"What was your first date like?" Diana asked him.

"It was an amusement park after we moved to America. We were riding all kinds of roller coasters and Jamie had just eating so that night he was up in the bathroom getting sick all night," Bryan said with a smile. "He wound up sleeping on our bathroom floor."

"Let me guess you were at his side all night taking care of him," Silas commented.

"Yeah," Bryan said with a smile.

"Sounds like you," Silas said smiling back.

The front door opened and Jamie walked into the room.

"Hello," he said running his fingers through his hair to get the snow out of it.

"Hello, we were just talking about you," Bryan said.

He was looking at Jamie with a smile on his face. He had rosy cheeks from the snow and his hair was windblown. He had to admit that Jamie looked hot like that.

"You look like a teenager," Silas said confused at the boyish look the rosy cheeks gave him.

"I am a teenager," Jamie protested.

"How old are you?"

"Nineteen," Jamie replied.

"And I thought twenty and sixteen was bad," Silas said with a laugh.

"You're almost thirty?" Jamie asked shocked.

"In two months," Bryan told him. "Right Silas?"

"Three," Silas said with a grin.

"My birthday is in two months," Jamie said. "You were close."

"Too many birthdays," Bryan muttered but was grinning. "Anyways, you should walk in the cold more often. You look good."

"Thanks," Jamie said a small blush brightening is already red cheeks. "But we have to go. It's going to get bad out there soon."

"Alright. I guess I'll see you guys in the morning," Bryan told the others.

"Alright," Silas said.

"Bye Daddy," Diana said and Bryan felt a wave of warmth rise over him.

"Bye," he said and kissed her on the forehead.

He and Jamie walked out and Jamie put his hand in hers.

"Don't worry, you'll get her," Jamie told him with a smile and Bryan nodded.

"I know," he said softly.

Andy grabbed Jamie's hand and they walked outside the flat to the street.

(End chapter)