Categories > Original > Humor > What NOT to do with Tokio Hotel
*Katie’s POV*
He hit her. Snake-head fucking hit Selena. That bastard’s gonna pay!
Selena walked off, going in a direction we didn’t know, Kuddles on her shoulder, Fuckshitmotherfucker on top of my head. He liked it there. In case you were wondering, I chose is name after slamming my arm into the wall because I was really tired.
Selena was mumbling something incoherently, Kuddles crawling up and down her arm. Fuckshitmotherfucker -wow he has a long name!- was just sitting on my head calmly, earning strange stares from passerby. A few tried to use newspapers to whack him off my head. So I just glared at them, and they backed away.
“I hate him! We need to do something even better than locking them in there!” Selena said suddenly.
“Okay, and what do you have in mind?” I asked, stopping in my spot to look at her.
“You still have that hideous pink nail polish?” I shook my head. “Damnit. What about that eBay account?” I nodded. “Good.”
“Why?”
“To get back at Snake-head. And for Tranny, we need to buy grape Jell-O, and somehow put him in a dress.”
“A dress? You’re kidding, right?” She shook her head. “What’s the Jell-O gonna be for? Are you hungry or something?”
“Haha, nein. We’re putting it in the shower head.” Oh dear Gerard....
We quickly went to the nearest supermarket, the workers looking at us as though we had grown eight heads and fourteen arms, and went to the section all the Jell-O was kept in.
“Hmm, pre-made or make-at-home?” Selena questioned.
“Pre-made.”
“Okay, sugar-free or non-sugar-free?”
“Sugar. I don’t know why, just grab it.” She did, and we went over to the makeup section, grabbing a few bottles of nail polish, including pink.
“And now to find a good dress for Tranny!” We waltzed to the ladies’ formal wear, choosing a horrible puke-green dress with ugly floral designs. Going up to the register, I emptied the contents of our cart on the moving belt. The lady running the register looked at us strangely, but rung everything up.
“One hundred-fifteen euros,” she told us. I handed her a charge card Mom had given us (and will kill us for using in these circumstances), and Selena and I split the bags we carried back.
“Is it just me, or does it seem like God is just begging us to do this? I mean, I got the chance to lock Tranny in the bathroom, tape just HAPPENED to be sitting there; there were two spiders waiting for us to buy them, who then were released in the bus; the twins were right there for us to throw ‘em in with the spiders hiding in the closet; we just happen to find the best stuff for more pranks; and we’re left alone? He wants us to do this! I mean it!” Selena exclaimed.
“Hmm, very true, meine Schwester!” We walked inside, hearing shrieks form the oh-so-fancy girls staying at the hotel, and went to the elevators.
“Which floor are we on again?”
“Um, eighth, I think.”
“Oh, good. I was afraid the hotel made a joke for them and gave them room 483!” I laughed, shaking my head.
“Nope, they gots room 812.” She sighed happily. Nope, no stupid joke today, from the hotel, at least.
“Time to set up the Jell-O!” Selena yelled happily. “Wait, how do we get in?” I laughed.
“I guess I’m the only who realizes when I steal something!” At that exact moment, my phone rang.
‘Cut my life into pieces; this is my last resort!’
“Hallo?” I answered.
“Where the hell’s my room key? We’re right down the road, and that’s the only one we brought with us!” Bill shouted through the phone.
“I don’t know; you had it!” I lied easily, putting my phone on speaker as the elevator doors clanged open.
“You do know where it is, Katie! Oh Gott, if it’s with the fucking spiders...!” he warned, causing me to laugh.
“I don’t know where the key is, ok? And we have Fuckshitmotherfucker and Kuddles, ok?” A few old people looked at me when I mentioned my tarantula; it was funny. So I flipped them off.
“The key better be under the door by the time we get back to the hotel, Katie!”
“It will be, don’t worry. You can trust me, for once.” I heard him let out a breath on the other line.
“Fine. If it’s not, you two are going to an orphanage for the rest of the summer.”
“Sir, yes, Sir!” I said, saluting him, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. With that, he hung up. “They’re right down the road! We gotta work quick!” I alerted Selena, jabbing the room key in the slot, then placing it under the door. We hurried to the shower, opening the grape gel, squeezing the packaging it was in and covered the metal with it. Within five minutes, the two of us could hear stomping in the hallway.
“Scheiße, they’re here!” Selena whispered harshly, throwing out the Jell-O containers. “Let’s hide in here!” She threw open the linen closet door, and the two of us scampered in, the two tarantulas finding refuge on the wall. The door had slits in it, so we could see outside, and hear the guys, but they couldn’t see us.
“I’m taking a shower, I’ll be out soon,” we heard Bill say from the other room. Selena fake-gagged, pointing down her throat. I stifled a laugh.
Tranny walked in, paused, wondering why the light was already on, shrugged it off, and got unchanged. Selena and I turned around so we wouldn’t need to see it. Once we heard the water going, and the shower door closing, we knew it’d be safe. It didn’t take long until,
“WAS DAS FICK?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT?!” Bill shouted. The other three ran in, and saw Bill sticking his head out of the shower, clumps of purple gunk sliding down his face, leaving bright purple trails behind it. It looked hilarious, considering his face was red with anger and streaked violet. Selena busted out laughing, giving away our hiding places.
“YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!” Tranny screamed at us, throwing the door open, a towel wrapped around his waist. If you think Godzilla angry is scary, you haven’t seen Bill Kaulitz angry. Now THAT’s scary!
Selena and I ducked under his arm, and we dashed for the open bathroom door, but we got caught before we could get out. I, being my stupid self, tried to bite the arm of whoever was holding me, and Selena kicked her captor in the place where it counts. It was actually very funny.
“Whose fucking idea was this?” Bill yelled, pointing at his face. I was cracking up, laughing loudly and uncontrollably. “Ugh, Katie, you’re useless.”
“And you’re purple! Haha, you’re a purple martin!” I laughed. He stared at me strangely, shaking his head.
“Selena, that leaves you. Who the FICK DID THIS?!” Selena cocked her head to the side.
“Ya know, you do kinda look like a purple martin.... Or a Japanese fighting fish....” she said, staring at him closely. He was pretty close to her, so she licked the side of his face, earning ‘What-the-fuck?’ looks from everyone but me, who just cheered. “Mm, grape!”
“Go Selena!”
“Katie, shut up, or you’re gonna be tossed out the window!” Blondie warned, and I remember hearing something about it taking a LOT to piss him off.
“I wanna learn to fly!” Snake-head waltzed over, grabbing my arm.
“Well then here’s your first lesson,” he said shoving me toward a window, opening it as far as it would go.
“Woah, that’s a long way down.... I don’t want to fly yet.” I grinned at him, hopping off the windowsill. If you can’t tell, I get hyper off of nothing.
Selena broke free to grab Kuddles and Fuckshitmotherfucker form the closet, causing freakishly girly screams of terror to erupt.
“Here ya go! Good Kuddles, good tarantula!” She pet her arachnid carefully, placing it back on her shoulder, as I put mine on the front of my shirt. Fuckshitmotherfucker clung tight, not wanting to fall to the ground below. He’s so cute when he does that! I reached over to a shopping bag, left on the chair it was thrown onto, and grabbed what I was looking for: bright baby pink nail polish. I unscrewed the cap, holding the brush in one hand, bottle in the other.
“Come any closer, and you’re getting a free manicure!” I threatened. The four boys just glared angrily at Selena and me; she had grabbed neon pink polish.
“By the way, there’s a LOT more Jell-O hiding with us, so beware!” Selena shouted, wrenching the door open and dashing out, me right behind her. We’re gonna die so many deaths this summer, I swear.
He hit her. Snake-head fucking hit Selena. That bastard’s gonna pay!
Selena walked off, going in a direction we didn’t know, Kuddles on her shoulder, Fuckshitmotherfucker on top of my head. He liked it there. In case you were wondering, I chose is name after slamming my arm into the wall because I was really tired.
Selena was mumbling something incoherently, Kuddles crawling up and down her arm. Fuckshitmotherfucker -wow he has a long name!- was just sitting on my head calmly, earning strange stares from passerby. A few tried to use newspapers to whack him off my head. So I just glared at them, and they backed away.
“I hate him! We need to do something even better than locking them in there!” Selena said suddenly.
“Okay, and what do you have in mind?” I asked, stopping in my spot to look at her.
“You still have that hideous pink nail polish?” I shook my head. “Damnit. What about that eBay account?” I nodded. “Good.”
“Why?”
“To get back at Snake-head. And for Tranny, we need to buy grape Jell-O, and somehow put him in a dress.”
“A dress? You’re kidding, right?” She shook her head. “What’s the Jell-O gonna be for? Are you hungry or something?”
“Haha, nein. We’re putting it in the shower head.” Oh dear Gerard....
We quickly went to the nearest supermarket, the workers looking at us as though we had grown eight heads and fourteen arms, and went to the section all the Jell-O was kept in.
“Hmm, pre-made or make-at-home?” Selena questioned.
“Pre-made.”
“Okay, sugar-free or non-sugar-free?”
“Sugar. I don’t know why, just grab it.” She did, and we went over to the makeup section, grabbing a few bottles of nail polish, including pink.
“And now to find a good dress for Tranny!” We waltzed to the ladies’ formal wear, choosing a horrible puke-green dress with ugly floral designs. Going up to the register, I emptied the contents of our cart on the moving belt. The lady running the register looked at us strangely, but rung everything up.
“One hundred-fifteen euros,” she told us. I handed her a charge card Mom had given us (and will kill us for using in these circumstances), and Selena and I split the bags we carried back.
“Is it just me, or does it seem like God is just begging us to do this? I mean, I got the chance to lock Tranny in the bathroom, tape just HAPPENED to be sitting there; there were two spiders waiting for us to buy them, who then were released in the bus; the twins were right there for us to throw ‘em in with the spiders hiding in the closet; we just happen to find the best stuff for more pranks; and we’re left alone? He wants us to do this! I mean it!” Selena exclaimed.
“Hmm, very true, meine Schwester!” We walked inside, hearing shrieks form the oh-so-fancy girls staying at the hotel, and went to the elevators.
“Which floor are we on again?”
“Um, eighth, I think.”
“Oh, good. I was afraid the hotel made a joke for them and gave them room 483!” I laughed, shaking my head.
“Nope, they gots room 812.” She sighed happily. Nope, no stupid joke today, from the hotel, at least.
“Time to set up the Jell-O!” Selena yelled happily. “Wait, how do we get in?” I laughed.
“I guess I’m the only who realizes when I steal something!” At that exact moment, my phone rang.
‘Cut my life into pieces; this is my last resort!’
“Hallo?” I answered.
“Where the hell’s my room key? We’re right down the road, and that’s the only one we brought with us!” Bill shouted through the phone.
“I don’t know; you had it!” I lied easily, putting my phone on speaker as the elevator doors clanged open.
“You do know where it is, Katie! Oh Gott, if it’s with the fucking spiders...!” he warned, causing me to laugh.
“I don’t know where the key is, ok? And we have Fuckshitmotherfucker and Kuddles, ok?” A few old people looked at me when I mentioned my tarantula; it was funny. So I flipped them off.
“The key better be under the door by the time we get back to the hotel, Katie!”
“It will be, don’t worry. You can trust me, for once.” I heard him let out a breath on the other line.
“Fine. If it’s not, you two are going to an orphanage for the rest of the summer.”
“Sir, yes, Sir!” I said, saluting him, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. With that, he hung up. “They’re right down the road! We gotta work quick!” I alerted Selena, jabbing the room key in the slot, then placing it under the door. We hurried to the shower, opening the grape gel, squeezing the packaging it was in and covered the metal with it. Within five minutes, the two of us could hear stomping in the hallway.
“Scheiße, they’re here!” Selena whispered harshly, throwing out the Jell-O containers. “Let’s hide in here!” She threw open the linen closet door, and the two of us scampered in, the two tarantulas finding refuge on the wall. The door had slits in it, so we could see outside, and hear the guys, but they couldn’t see us.
“I’m taking a shower, I’ll be out soon,” we heard Bill say from the other room. Selena fake-gagged, pointing down her throat. I stifled a laugh.
Tranny walked in, paused, wondering why the light was already on, shrugged it off, and got unchanged. Selena and I turned around so we wouldn’t need to see it. Once we heard the water going, and the shower door closing, we knew it’d be safe. It didn’t take long until,
“WAS DAS FICK?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT?!” Bill shouted. The other three ran in, and saw Bill sticking his head out of the shower, clumps of purple gunk sliding down his face, leaving bright purple trails behind it. It looked hilarious, considering his face was red with anger and streaked violet. Selena busted out laughing, giving away our hiding places.
“YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!” Tranny screamed at us, throwing the door open, a towel wrapped around his waist. If you think Godzilla angry is scary, you haven’t seen Bill Kaulitz angry. Now THAT’s scary!
Selena and I ducked under his arm, and we dashed for the open bathroom door, but we got caught before we could get out. I, being my stupid self, tried to bite the arm of whoever was holding me, and Selena kicked her captor in the place where it counts. It was actually very funny.
“Whose fucking idea was this?” Bill yelled, pointing at his face. I was cracking up, laughing loudly and uncontrollably. “Ugh, Katie, you’re useless.”
“And you’re purple! Haha, you’re a purple martin!” I laughed. He stared at me strangely, shaking his head.
“Selena, that leaves you. Who the FICK DID THIS?!” Selena cocked her head to the side.
“Ya know, you do kinda look like a purple martin.... Or a Japanese fighting fish....” she said, staring at him closely. He was pretty close to her, so she licked the side of his face, earning ‘What-the-fuck?’ looks from everyone but me, who just cheered. “Mm, grape!”
“Go Selena!”
“Katie, shut up, or you’re gonna be tossed out the window!” Blondie warned, and I remember hearing something about it taking a LOT to piss him off.
“I wanna learn to fly!” Snake-head waltzed over, grabbing my arm.
“Well then here’s your first lesson,” he said shoving me toward a window, opening it as far as it would go.
“Woah, that’s a long way down.... I don’t want to fly yet.” I grinned at him, hopping off the windowsill. If you can’t tell, I get hyper off of nothing.
Selena broke free to grab Kuddles and Fuckshitmotherfucker form the closet, causing freakishly girly screams of terror to erupt.
“Here ya go! Good Kuddles, good tarantula!” She pet her arachnid carefully, placing it back on her shoulder, as I put mine on the front of my shirt. Fuckshitmotherfucker clung tight, not wanting to fall to the ground below. He’s so cute when he does that! I reached over to a shopping bag, left on the chair it was thrown onto, and grabbed what I was looking for: bright baby pink nail polish. I unscrewed the cap, holding the brush in one hand, bottle in the other.
“Come any closer, and you’re getting a free manicure!” I threatened. The four boys just glared angrily at Selena and me; she had grabbed neon pink polish.
“By the way, there’s a LOT more Jell-O hiding with us, so beware!” Selena shouted, wrenching the door open and dashing out, me right behind her. We’re gonna die so many deaths this summer, I swear.
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