Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal
-Derek tied the rope off to a section of the bridge he was standing on, his calm demeanor hiding his intentions. There was no way he could possibly survive this time. He was dripping with kerosene, had a noose around his neck, rat poison in his stomach, a revolver in his hand, and a raging river under his feet. In a few moments, it would finally be over. Derek gazed down at the rushing water beneath him as he contemplated the events that had led up to this moment.
-After the incident with the train, Derek had gone home and fallen asleep, only to be awoken early the next morning by the door bell. Derek had gone to the door, wearing nothing but his boxers, to find his neighbors looking distressed. They had asked if his parents knew about the tree branch that had been struck by lightning, and Derek had assured them that his parents had already called an insurance adjuster to asses the damages. He had been ready to close the door, believing the situation resolved, when they had hastily asked if the insurance would cover their damaged fence. That had gotten Derek’s attention.
-“Fence?” he’d asked, his brain still feeling sluggish. “The branch fell on our shed.” At their prompting, Derek had walked outside to find that the tree had been struck by lightning again during the storm the previous night, and that another branch had fallen off and now rested across his and the neighbors’ fences. “…Fuck me,” Derek had said in bemused disbelief. “Lighting’s not supposed to strike…oh wait, never mind,” Derek had added as he remembered his previous experience with atmospheric electricity.
-Derek had gone back inside, after several people had laughed at him in his underwear, and found that the little bird he had caught the previous day had died in captivity. Feeling depressed, Derek had gotten ready for school, but found that his car wouldn’t start. “…Oh fuck me side ways,” said Derek after giving up on going to school. Normally, a day off would have been a good thing, except that his mother had also stayed home sick and, after screaming in distress at another fallen tree branch, had tasked Derek with cutting up the wood with a chainsaw. Derek had grumbled to himself from the moment he went outside, to when he stood in front of the first log, chainsaw in hand, until the obvious occurred to him. He’d looked down at the very dangerous power tool in his hand and then up at the sky and said, “I promise if you just let this fucking thing start, I won’t try to kill myself with it.”
-Derek had pulled on the chain; nothing happened. “Yeah I didn’t believe that either,” Derek had said as he went back to get the hand saw. Four hours of intense labor had passed before Derek had taken a brake. Soaked with sweat, he had gone inside, taken off his shoes, and stepped right in a puddle of dog piss. “FUCK ME IN THE ASS!”
-Derek’s mother had left to get some medicine for herself. She would have sent Derek to get it, but since his car wasn’t working, it hadn’t been an option. She had, however, borrowed his debit card since she was tight on money. Derek had decided to take advantage of the respite by listening to some heavy metal. He popped in the cassette, clicked play, and closed his eyes to listen to the sound of his tape being eaten by the player. Derek had tried to save his music, but he had been too late. He had held the ruined remains cupped in his hands like a baby animal, looked up at the sky and said, “Fuck you in the ass until you bleed and die!”
-Derek had then decided to try and figure out what was wrong with his car since he would need it the next day. He had started the diagnoses by attempting to pop the hood, only to find that it wouldn’t pop. “Oh I’m off to a great start,” Derek had mumbled as he tried to identify the problem. Five minutes later, he had made no progress. He had slammed his fist down on the hood in frustration only to have it pop open from the blow. Derek had stared at it for a moment before saying to his car, “Well now that he wave established our relationship, start working quickly, and we can avoid any further unpleasantness.”
-After replacing the spark plugs which were corroded due to heat damage, changing his oil, filling his antifreeze, putting engine cleaner in his gas tank, checking all the other fluids in his engine, and issuing a number of verbal threats, Derek still couldn’t get the car to start. Derek had been forced to put his efforts on hold when his mother had gotten home and began calling for him. When he had gone inside, she had told him that his balance in the bank was negative ten.
-“…What do you mean, I have negative ten?” Derek had asked. “I should have nearly two grand in there.” A trip down to the bank had revealed that none of Derek’s direct deposit checks from work had been deposited in over two months, a problem which he would have to take up with his boss, and which the bank would charge him twenty dollars a day in overdraft fees until he could get it sorted out.
-On the ride home, Derek’s mom had mentioned that the water levels of the river were very high due to all the rain from the storms. As they had crossed the bridge near their home, Derek had been screaming obscenities of outrage in his head. Two thousand dollars, gone. Literally all of his money, and if that wasn’t bad enough, he had essentially been working for over two months without pay. There was only so much a guy could take.
-After getting home, Derek had gone into the shed and worked out a plan. Every previous attempt had been thwarted by some improbable misfortune, but if Derek could just stack the odds high enough, there would be no way for him to survive. He just had to create a situation where it would be impossible to live. He had gathered all the things he would need: a rope, rat poison, kerosene, a lighter, and even his dad’s 45 for good measure. He had thrown all of the items into a duffle bag, told his mother he needed to do something, and walked out to the bridge.
-Now Derek stood on the edge of the great egress. He had already swallowed the rat poison and doused himself with kerosene from head to toe. He tightened the rope around his neck. Burning alive wasn’t on the top of his list of ways he wanted to die, but he wasn’t taking any chances this time. He would set himself on fire, jump off the bridge, and shoot himself in the head as he fell. One way or another, this was it. He was going to die.
-“I finally beat you this time, you cock-munching butt-fucker. You can’t keep me alive, not with all of this. My misery will end, you hear me? You vile, queeff sniffing PISS SACK! YOU WRETCHED, LOATHSOME, FIRST-BORN-MURDERING, SADISTIC SHIT STAIN!!! I FUCKING WIN!”
-Derek laughed hysterically as he flicked the lighter, lit the fire, and set himself ablaze as he jumped from the bridge. Using the brief window before the pain really hit him, he drew the gun up to his head and pulled the trigger. The gun slipped in his kerosene-soaked hand and the bullet shot the rope just above Derek’s head. He plummeted into the water which extinguished the flames and knocked Derek around until he was forced to vomit up the rat poison.
-Derek didn’t fight the current, hoping to at least drown, but his passive behavior saved him. He eventually drifted to the edge of the water where he was deposited on shore. He laid on his back, staring up at the sky in numb disbelief. His skin stung, but he hadn’t been on fire long enough to be badly burned, though his clothes were ruined. All he could think to say was, “Fuck.”
-After the incident with the train, Derek had gone home and fallen asleep, only to be awoken early the next morning by the door bell. Derek had gone to the door, wearing nothing but his boxers, to find his neighbors looking distressed. They had asked if his parents knew about the tree branch that had been struck by lightning, and Derek had assured them that his parents had already called an insurance adjuster to asses the damages. He had been ready to close the door, believing the situation resolved, when they had hastily asked if the insurance would cover their damaged fence. That had gotten Derek’s attention.
-“Fence?” he’d asked, his brain still feeling sluggish. “The branch fell on our shed.” At their prompting, Derek had walked outside to find that the tree had been struck by lightning again during the storm the previous night, and that another branch had fallen off and now rested across his and the neighbors’ fences. “…Fuck me,” Derek had said in bemused disbelief. “Lighting’s not supposed to strike…oh wait, never mind,” Derek had added as he remembered his previous experience with atmospheric electricity.
-Derek had gone back inside, after several people had laughed at him in his underwear, and found that the little bird he had caught the previous day had died in captivity. Feeling depressed, Derek had gotten ready for school, but found that his car wouldn’t start. “…Oh fuck me side ways,” said Derek after giving up on going to school. Normally, a day off would have been a good thing, except that his mother had also stayed home sick and, after screaming in distress at another fallen tree branch, had tasked Derek with cutting up the wood with a chainsaw. Derek had grumbled to himself from the moment he went outside, to when he stood in front of the first log, chainsaw in hand, until the obvious occurred to him. He’d looked down at the very dangerous power tool in his hand and then up at the sky and said, “I promise if you just let this fucking thing start, I won’t try to kill myself with it.”
-Derek had pulled on the chain; nothing happened. “Yeah I didn’t believe that either,” Derek had said as he went back to get the hand saw. Four hours of intense labor had passed before Derek had taken a brake. Soaked with sweat, he had gone inside, taken off his shoes, and stepped right in a puddle of dog piss. “FUCK ME IN THE ASS!”
-Derek’s mother had left to get some medicine for herself. She would have sent Derek to get it, but since his car wasn’t working, it hadn’t been an option. She had, however, borrowed his debit card since she was tight on money. Derek had decided to take advantage of the respite by listening to some heavy metal. He popped in the cassette, clicked play, and closed his eyes to listen to the sound of his tape being eaten by the player. Derek had tried to save his music, but he had been too late. He had held the ruined remains cupped in his hands like a baby animal, looked up at the sky and said, “Fuck you in the ass until you bleed and die!”
-Derek had then decided to try and figure out what was wrong with his car since he would need it the next day. He had started the diagnoses by attempting to pop the hood, only to find that it wouldn’t pop. “Oh I’m off to a great start,” Derek had mumbled as he tried to identify the problem. Five minutes later, he had made no progress. He had slammed his fist down on the hood in frustration only to have it pop open from the blow. Derek had stared at it for a moment before saying to his car, “Well now that he wave established our relationship, start working quickly, and we can avoid any further unpleasantness.”
-After replacing the spark plugs which were corroded due to heat damage, changing his oil, filling his antifreeze, putting engine cleaner in his gas tank, checking all the other fluids in his engine, and issuing a number of verbal threats, Derek still couldn’t get the car to start. Derek had been forced to put his efforts on hold when his mother had gotten home and began calling for him. When he had gone inside, she had told him that his balance in the bank was negative ten.
-“…What do you mean, I have negative ten?” Derek had asked. “I should have nearly two grand in there.” A trip down to the bank had revealed that none of Derek’s direct deposit checks from work had been deposited in over two months, a problem which he would have to take up with his boss, and which the bank would charge him twenty dollars a day in overdraft fees until he could get it sorted out.
-On the ride home, Derek’s mom had mentioned that the water levels of the river were very high due to all the rain from the storms. As they had crossed the bridge near their home, Derek had been screaming obscenities of outrage in his head. Two thousand dollars, gone. Literally all of his money, and if that wasn’t bad enough, he had essentially been working for over two months without pay. There was only so much a guy could take.
-After getting home, Derek had gone into the shed and worked out a plan. Every previous attempt had been thwarted by some improbable misfortune, but if Derek could just stack the odds high enough, there would be no way for him to survive. He just had to create a situation where it would be impossible to live. He had gathered all the things he would need: a rope, rat poison, kerosene, a lighter, and even his dad’s 45 for good measure. He had thrown all of the items into a duffle bag, told his mother he needed to do something, and walked out to the bridge.
-Now Derek stood on the edge of the great egress. He had already swallowed the rat poison and doused himself with kerosene from head to toe. He tightened the rope around his neck. Burning alive wasn’t on the top of his list of ways he wanted to die, but he wasn’t taking any chances this time. He would set himself on fire, jump off the bridge, and shoot himself in the head as he fell. One way or another, this was it. He was going to die.
-“I finally beat you this time, you cock-munching butt-fucker. You can’t keep me alive, not with all of this. My misery will end, you hear me? You vile, queeff sniffing PISS SACK! YOU WRETCHED, LOATHSOME, FIRST-BORN-MURDERING, SADISTIC SHIT STAIN!!! I FUCKING WIN!”
-Derek laughed hysterically as he flicked the lighter, lit the fire, and set himself ablaze as he jumped from the bridge. Using the brief window before the pain really hit him, he drew the gun up to his head and pulled the trigger. The gun slipped in his kerosene-soaked hand and the bullet shot the rope just above Derek’s head. He plummeted into the water which extinguished the flames and knocked Derek around until he was forced to vomit up the rat poison.
-Derek didn’t fight the current, hoping to at least drown, but his passive behavior saved him. He eventually drifted to the edge of the water where he was deposited on shore. He laid on his back, staring up at the sky in numb disbelief. His skin stung, but he hadn’t been on fire long enough to be badly burned, though his clothes were ruined. All he could think to say was, “Fuck.”
Sign up to rate and review this story