FicWad

Title: Your Memory Will Carry On
Author: House Of Wolves
Rating: R (Language)
Genre: Grief, anger, drinking
POV: Gerard
Disclaimer: I have no connections with any member of MCR. This story is fiction.


----------------------------------

I awoke to the sound of my cell phone vibrating across the coffee table. A little aggravated with being woken up I swung my free arm over in search for the annoying contraption I called my phone. Once in my hand, I flipped it open and brought it up to my ear.

"Hello?" I answer, my voice muffled by the cushion of the couch.

"Ger?" I could hear in his voice that he was crying.

"Mikey? What is it?" I sat up on the couch and waited for him to talk.

"There's no better way to say this, but, the hospital called. Grandma passed away."

My phone had slipped from my hand and crash to the floor, snapping in two. It felt like I had just been slapped across the face. I couldn't move, I couldn't cry. I was angry. Angry at myself for never taking the time to say good-bye.

I went to see her yesterday, but she was sleeping and I didn't want to wake her. The doctors said that she was getting better. Today has been so busy that I had no time to go to the hospital.

I picked up the closet thing in my reach and threw it against the wall. Batteries and buttons of the TV remote went flying everywhere. It didn't make me feel any better.

"Gerard, what the fuck?!" I look up and glare at him. Clenching my fists I turn and punch the wall behind me, regretting it the moment it happened. He makes his way across the living room and stops in front of me. "Are you okay?" He asks, kneeling down and makes eye contact.

Why is it that when you are asked that question, you're never okay anymore?

I hated being emotional in front of anybody, but at that moment, I didn't care anymore. I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. I wrapped my arms around his neck and let them fall. I held on to him as if at any moment, I would lose him too. He returned my embrace and let me cry. He never spoke a single word, knowing that I would talk when I was ready.

"She's gone Frankie." Hearing him sniffle, I knew I didn't have to say who. He knew. He went with me every time I went to the hospital to go visit her. He said that he was there for me if I needed him. As long as I've known Frank, this was the first time he has ever seen me cry. It was nice to have him here when I needed him the most.

"Do you mind sleeping in my room with me? I don't want to be alone tonight."

"Not at all. Come on." He took my hand in his and lead me to my room.

I didn't even bother changing my clothes, I just pulled back the comforter and climbed in bed. Frank wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close, letting me cry myself to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up to find that I was alone. At first I thought that it had all just been a dream. I expected to find Frank sleeping next to me. As I made my way down the stairs, the wonderful smell of coffee reached my nose. I walked into the kitchen to see Frank sitting at the table, paper in one hand, mug in the other. Looking up from his reading he gave me a sad smile.

I noticed that I was still wearing the same clothes I wore yesterday. She was really gone.

"I was going to go see her this morning." I said, pouring myself a cup of coffee. "I didn't get to yesterday."

"I'm sorry"

"Did Mikey call?"

"Yeah. I told him you were still sleeping. Said he'd call back later or stop by when he's in town."

"Okay." He gave me a concerned look. The look I knew to well. "Frankie, I'll be fine."

Boy, was I wrong.


Mikey came over to see how I was doing. He was still torn up about it, but was taking the news better than me. In all my life, I had never raised my voice to Mikey. He was my baby brother. He was fragile. But a part of me just wanted to knock him on his ass if he asked me if I was okay one more time.

"Mikey! I'm fine. Would you stop asking me that already?!"

"Gerard, he's only trying to help."

"You too?! Fuck Frank. I don't need this shit." I got up off the couch and made my way up the stairs to my room. I got half way up when I stopped to over hear Frank and Mikey's conversation.

"I'm really worried about him Frank. This isn't like him."
"He just needs time."

"I know. But he's the person he is today because of her. She's the one who encouraged him to draw. She told him he could do anything he put his mind to. He listened to her."

"He's not the only one she made an impact on. She helped all of us. We wouldn't have been given the chance to live our dream if it wasn't for her."

Frank was right. She did a lot for us all. She's the one who bought the van that's parked in the driveway for us to use to tour around in so we could play small clubs around the U.S.


After the funeral, I found myself pulling away from the ones I loved. Everyone left the grave site after it started to rain. I stayed behind. I felt like I had to. I owed it to my grandma to say good-bye alone. I sat in my chair, rain pouring down on me, thinking back on the days when she was alive and healthy.

I remember coming home from school with a black eye. She made such a fuss over me, asking if I broke anything. I told her that I was fine and some kid from school called me names and punched me. I never told her that I punched him back. Should would have been disappointed in me, and nobody disappoints grandma. After that was when I switched schools.

My grandma was so proud of me when I came home from school and told her that I tried out for the school play and got the part of Peter Pan. After nailing the part, I than realized that I had no idea what I was doing. She was so excited that she made my costume for me. Giving me a reason to not back out. I couldn't disappoint her.

As I got older, I became more interested in art. She taught me everything I know today. We used to stay up for hours just drawing and painting. We never spoke to each other. We just sat there, enjoying each others company. Drawing was never the same after she fell ill. It was what we did together. Without her, it didn't mean anything to me anymore.

"Gerard, what are you still doing out here? You're going to get sick."

"Go home Frank, leave me alone."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Fine! You stay, I'll leave." I got up from my seat and headed for my car. I heard Frank walking behind me. I stopped and turned to face him. "And don't follow me."

"But -"

"I mean it Frank. Go home. I just want to be alone. I'll be home later. Don't wait up for me."


Taking a seat at the bar, I pulled out my pack of cigarettes. Pulling one out of the pack, I place it between my lips, flicking my lighter, I lit the end and took a deep drag.

"What can I get for ya?"

"Double shot of Jack, and keep 'em coming."

"Rough day?"

"You could say that. Just got back from a funeral." I said, taking the glass in my hand and bringing it to my lips. I emptied the glass and slammed it back down on the bar, pushing it toward the bartender for another.

"Sorry to hear." He said, filling the glass again.

I just glared at him, picking up the glass and tossing the liquid back, repeating the process until I felt numb. After paying for the drinks, I left. Good thing the bar was only 2 blocks away from where I lived or else it would be my funeral everyone would be attending next.


Walking up the driveway, I searched my pockets for my keys. To my surprise, the living room light was still on and the door was unlocked.

"I thought I told you not to wait up for me."

"You did. But I wanted to make sure you got home okay. You didn't drive did you?"

"I'm not a fucken idiot Frankie. I walked home. Do me a favor?" I asked, tossing the keys to him. "Go get my car?"

"When are we going to talk about this?"

"We aren't." I said, walking pass him to the stairs.

"Gerard?" He stopped me, taking me by the arm. I pulled away from his grasp and shoved him.

"Don't fucking touch me! Go get my car and leave. I don't want to see you in the morning."

"You don't mean that." I walked up to him, and got in his face. I was nose to nose with him.

"Do I look like I'm kidding? Get out!" When he didn't move, I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, opened the front door and pushed him out. I picked up his jacket and threw it at him, slamming the door in his face. I headed up to my room and fell face first on my bed, falling asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

That night, I had a dream that I was in my room, sitting on my bed, hugging my knees to my chest. I was crying. There was a knock on the door. When it opens, in walks my grandmother. She was beautiful. I had to blink to make sure my eyes weren't screwing with me. She walks up to me, sits on the bed and takes my hand.

"Gerard. It's time."

"Time for what?"

"Time for you to move on with your life. Go catch your dream."

"I can't. I did it all for you. Without you, it means nothing to me."

"That's not true. You and Mikey both talked about being in a band. Now is your chance. I have faith in you."

"What if I fail? What if I disappoint the guys?"

"Gerard. You have a gift. Use it. Besides, I never left. I'm still here with you. Now go make your grandma proud."

When I woke up, I had the worst headache known to man. She was right. It was time I move on and get back to work. I was going to make my grandmother proud of me. I was going to take what she has taught me and run with it. I could do this. I am going to do this.

Cracking open an eye, I saw a glass of water on the night stand and 2 aspirins. Taking the pills in my hand, I tossed them in my mouth and downed them with water. I walked down the stairs to see Frankie sleeping on the couch. I cleared my throat, startling him. He jumped up off the couch and stood to his feet.

"I thought I told you to leave."

"I know." He said, looking down to the floor. I knew this had to come to an end. I couldn't treat the ones I loved like shit anymore. My grandmother was gone and there was nothing I could do to brink her back.

Walking over to him I wrapped my arms around his neck and bawled.

"I'm sorry Frankie. I just miss her so much."

"I know you do. I told you I'm here for you. That's why I didn't leave." I pulled back and looked him in the eye.

"Call the guys and tell them to come over as soon as possible."

"Okay."


Half an hour later Mikey, Ray, Frankie and Matt were all sitting on the couch, waiting for what I had to say.

"I know I've been an ass this past week. I don't do grief very well." Looking at them I took a deep breath. "On the nights when I locked myself in my room, I was working on our next project." I opened up my notebook and tore out sheets, passing them around. One in particular was only meant for one person to read. The sheet of paper that was titled "Helena" I handed over to Mikey. He looked up at me, tears streaming down his face.

"Gerard. Is this song for grandma?"

"Not only the song, but our new record. I have half of it written out already, but I need your guys' help. I can't do this alone."

From the looks on the guys face, I knew they were just as excited about this as I was. I was getting back on my feet and ready to go on with my life and following my dream.

I knew that my grandmother was going nowhere. If I still carried her memory around in my heart, there was nothing I couldn't accomplish.