Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance
I shivered as the cold New Jersey air hung around my skin, draping around my bare arms like an ice cloak and biting into me like it was reaching for my veins. I breathed out another puff of smoke from my throat and closed my eyes, just seeing in my mind the white, swirling patterns it’d make in the crisp night air.
Your face remained in my mind; even as I opened my eyes back up and watched the cigarette in between my fingers burn back slowly. No matter how I felt, or what I was doing, whenever I saw you in my mind, you were always smiling... always laughing at something, just being happy. I liked it when you were happier. A small smile played on my lips as I remembered your own smile; I tapped the end of my cigarette and took another slow drag. I felt it glide down the back of my throat, slowly creeping to the top of my lungs where it was drawn in hungrily. I breathed it back out, turning it toward the night sky.
The stars were teasing me tonight. I frowned at them softly, breathing the remaining smoke out of my lungs.
I took a few short steps toward where your house was in my mind, but stopped almost straight away. I shook my head, mentally cursing my feet and began playing around with a small stone on the concrete footpath. I kicked it into the lawn, watching as the dew flew from the tips of the grass where it’d made it’s way through. The moonlight shone on the tiny droplets as they sat on the path, waiting for the sun to slowly drain them away. I turned around to face where the moon was looking down on them, and me. I blinked as the brightness of it glistened off my bright hazel eyes, having just adjusted to the darkness.
I brought the cigarette to my lips once more, taking a long and heavy drag and keeping it in a while, liking the burn it made on the inside walls of my throat. I gradually blew it out, still staring at the large white orb in the sky, as it looked down on me and watched me give in to my bad habit. It seemed to know what I was thinking, it saw your face in my mind, I’m sure of it. It seemed to know everything, but nothing at all.
I dropped the bud of my cigarette on the floor, tearing my eyes away from the translucent glow of the moonlight and watching the small flame on the end of my bud go out as I stepped it into the concrete path with the toe of my shoe. I put my hands in the warmth of my pockets and took one last short glance at the moon, as it took one last glance at me. I took my hands out of my pockets and breathed in slowly.
I stepped onto the grassy lawn, feeling the crunch of the late night grass under my feet and the very ends of my jeans become damp. Right now, I knew I was beyond caring about my clothes. I stepped as quietly as I could onto the steps of the front porch, walking up with ease so I wouldn’t wake your brother, sleeping on the chair out on the front veranda. I took a look at him as I reached the floorboard landing, wrapped up in a blanket and a few pillows on the swinging chair. I had to agree with him, it did look comfortable.
I crept to the door, holding onto the handle and opening the door gently. As soon as I had stepped inside onto the soft carpet, I closed the door behind me as quietly as possible and turned to the dresser in the hall. I unzipped my jacket and took it off, hanging it on the corner of the dresser and pulling my packet of cigarettes out of my pocket and my lighter. I placed them on the dresser near my jacket and kept my head down as I trudged through the hallway slowly. I didn’t want to look myself in the mirror right now; I don’t think I liked myself enough to even do that. I held onto the wall as I went, your face still in my mind as I made my way through the empty, dark house. I didn’t turn any lights on, there was no bother to. I could feel the dead air around me, I could almost hear my own shallow breathing as I made a feeble attempt to stop myself from crying. I hated it.
I hands finally found the doorframe of the bathroom and I gripped it tightly, turning the corner and onto the white tiles. My breathing echoed now around the room as I walked in, almost dragging my feet. My breath hitched as my eyes threatened to betray me, I stopped and closed them, pressing my forefinger and thumb against either sides of my mind. I didn’t want to think about you, but it was as though you were an obsession. I just couldn’t stop, no matter how hard I tried to focus on something else you always seemed to come back into it, no matter what. My right hand felt around in the darkness until it found the edge of the sink. I drew a deep sigh in relief as I bent my knees, bringing my body down until I was seated gently on the freezing cold, tiled floor. I slid myself back gently until I hit the even colder wall of the bathroom and I actually felt it freeze the blood in my neck this time, even if just for a millisecond.
I drew my knees up slowly to my body, closer and closer. My chest begged for them and when they finally came, my head fell into them and I gripped onto my knees for all I could. I felt my body tighten and my arms clench around my legs as tears crept up into the corners of my eyes. Your smiling face flashed itself in my mind once more and that’s all it took. I choked and my back shook as I reached in deep inside me where you’d rested for so long, I reached behind that and pulled out the weak piece of shit that was there, hiding behind you all along. I drew it out of my chest and into the heaving sobs that were now coming from my throat.
I didn’t care who saw me, I didn’t care if people cared or not even if they did catch me crying for you in the darkness of my bathroom. I hated lying to myself, and I hated lying to you. I hated seeing your smiling face because I knew I was going to be the one who’d shatter it, and I didn’t deserve your happiness coming my way. I had a hard time even gaining my own let alone taking yours down with me. I could feel the warm tears grow cold the further down my cheeks they travelled, until they gathered on my jaw line and fell quietly into my lap where I wished I could hold you, where I could hold you so tightly that you’d never be able to leave me ever again.
In the distance somewhere I heard the front door close, but I was beyond caring. My eyes clenched shut as I cried harder, not being able to feel anything. I wasn’t sad anymore, I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t anything. I just loved you, and without you I didn’t know how or what to feel, but I know that I should of. I was probably the weakest person you’d ever met in your life, the biggest waste of space you could ever invite into your own, before lying down and acknowledging I’m really there. Something no one else in the world had done, but you. You looked at me as if I was something, and I found myself breathing because I wanted to. You wrapped your arms around me, and I found myself healing and breaking all over again.
I jumped as a cold hand, colder than my own gripped onto my arm that was holding so tightly to my body, afraid that if I let go I was going to fall apart completely. I lifted my head and looked into the darkness, choking once more. My eyes began to adjust to the darkness, slowly. There was a small ray of light coming from the tiny bathroom window up the top near the ceiling, it was shining down just on me and my legs, and the hand that still held onto my arm gently. I watched, transfixed as your face made its way through the darkness, breaking through to the soft light, your snowy skin reflecting the soft, moonlit glow coming from the window. I gasped short, sniffing and looked down almost straight away. I didn’t deserve to look at you again, ever again.
I felt your soft fingers grip my chin and lift it with ease, my eyes never leaving the ground as my face came into full view beneath the pale blue light. You tapped my chin gently and I looked up, no words needing to be spoken. The parts of your long, black hair that wasn’t tucked behind your ear fell down onto your face like a soft shadowy curtain amidst your pale skin. Your expression was unreadable, inconsolable. Your lips were slightly apart as you looked at me, just staring. I drew a deep breath, looking around inside of me for the strength to look you in the eye again. You tapped my chin once more and I looked up, staring and watching, time being the last thing on my mind as I watched your eyes unfreeze before my very eyes. It was as if the glow of the moonlight had them like ice and they’d melted into my own pool of hazel.
You leant in swiftly, your lips pressing against my own in some sort of urgency, your hands finding either side of my face as you continued to kiss me, to show me somehow that it was okay. I knew better than that. I felt a tear creep up out of the corner of my eye and run down my cheek as quickly as it had come. I sobbed quietly into the kiss as you ran your snowy white fingers through my jet black hair, gripping onto me like I was going somewhere. But I wasn’t, not anymore.
Slowly, and carefully you slowed down. Pulling away gently and biting my lip, eyes closed as you left my mouth cold and guilty. I opened my eyes and looked up into yours, boring into mine. Asking if it was okay now, asking if I still loved you. I brought my hand up slowly, and touched your ear as gently as I could. I pressed my palm against your jaw line and ran my fingers down your skin. You closed your eyes and rested your head in the palm of my hand, breathing slow and unsure. I resentfully took my hand away and you watched me as I looked, and spoke into your eyes once more.
Gerard,
I’ve never found a God in my life that loved me the way you do, and I don’t think I could travel the world enough and still find one. I find myself waiting on the corner of your street in the early morning, watching your curtains blow slightly in the 5am breeze, and I’d stare and wish to god knows what that I could be a small piece of dandelion that so happened to drift into your room. I’d fly inside and sit myself on your window sill, and there I’d watch you forever, I’d look after you the only way I know how, I’d love you more than I’ve loved anyone, always. I travel the streets of Jersey at night time and I wish that you were with me and not with him, I wish you were the one holding my hand in the crisp winter air, watching the fairy lights of the local pizzerias flicker in the night time. I was insecure before I met you, Gerard. I was far beyond help before you realised I needed it, and this time I wasn’t strong enough to dip in deep enough and pull out that small piece of will power… because it’s no longer there. I gave it to you, Gerard. I gave you everything. I’m not going to ask where you were all that time; I’m not going to blame you for not making it. You found me where no one else could, and now I’m going to stay there. In your heart, deeper than anyone but you are able to reach. You’re stronger now, and I’m proud of you.
I watched as your gaze fell, and your eyes clenched shut as my own shared nothing at all. That small smile played on my lips again, and I could feel the warmth of the tears as they crept back up. When I pulled your head up toward mine, I noticed you shared those too, and I gently wiped them away with my thumb, looking at you with hopefully reassuring eyes.
I didn’t need to tell you I loved you, you knew that already. I rested my head on your own and sighed in content. This was all I ever asked for, and it came just a little too late.
I’m so sorry.
Your face remained in my mind; even as I opened my eyes back up and watched the cigarette in between my fingers burn back slowly. No matter how I felt, or what I was doing, whenever I saw you in my mind, you were always smiling... always laughing at something, just being happy. I liked it when you were happier. A small smile played on my lips as I remembered your own smile; I tapped the end of my cigarette and took another slow drag. I felt it glide down the back of my throat, slowly creeping to the top of my lungs where it was drawn in hungrily. I breathed it back out, turning it toward the night sky.
The stars were teasing me tonight. I frowned at them softly, breathing the remaining smoke out of my lungs.
I took a few short steps toward where your house was in my mind, but stopped almost straight away. I shook my head, mentally cursing my feet and began playing around with a small stone on the concrete footpath. I kicked it into the lawn, watching as the dew flew from the tips of the grass where it’d made it’s way through. The moonlight shone on the tiny droplets as they sat on the path, waiting for the sun to slowly drain them away. I turned around to face where the moon was looking down on them, and me. I blinked as the brightness of it glistened off my bright hazel eyes, having just adjusted to the darkness.
I brought the cigarette to my lips once more, taking a long and heavy drag and keeping it in a while, liking the burn it made on the inside walls of my throat. I gradually blew it out, still staring at the large white orb in the sky, as it looked down on me and watched me give in to my bad habit. It seemed to know what I was thinking, it saw your face in my mind, I’m sure of it. It seemed to know everything, but nothing at all.
I dropped the bud of my cigarette on the floor, tearing my eyes away from the translucent glow of the moonlight and watching the small flame on the end of my bud go out as I stepped it into the concrete path with the toe of my shoe. I put my hands in the warmth of my pockets and took one last short glance at the moon, as it took one last glance at me. I took my hands out of my pockets and breathed in slowly.
I stepped onto the grassy lawn, feeling the crunch of the late night grass under my feet and the very ends of my jeans become damp. Right now, I knew I was beyond caring about my clothes. I stepped as quietly as I could onto the steps of the front porch, walking up with ease so I wouldn’t wake your brother, sleeping on the chair out on the front veranda. I took a look at him as I reached the floorboard landing, wrapped up in a blanket and a few pillows on the swinging chair. I had to agree with him, it did look comfortable.
I crept to the door, holding onto the handle and opening the door gently. As soon as I had stepped inside onto the soft carpet, I closed the door behind me as quietly as possible and turned to the dresser in the hall. I unzipped my jacket and took it off, hanging it on the corner of the dresser and pulling my packet of cigarettes out of my pocket and my lighter. I placed them on the dresser near my jacket and kept my head down as I trudged through the hallway slowly. I didn’t want to look myself in the mirror right now; I don’t think I liked myself enough to even do that. I held onto the wall as I went, your face still in my mind as I made my way through the empty, dark house. I didn’t turn any lights on, there was no bother to. I could feel the dead air around me, I could almost hear my own shallow breathing as I made a feeble attempt to stop myself from crying. I hated it.
I hands finally found the doorframe of the bathroom and I gripped it tightly, turning the corner and onto the white tiles. My breathing echoed now around the room as I walked in, almost dragging my feet. My breath hitched as my eyes threatened to betray me, I stopped and closed them, pressing my forefinger and thumb against either sides of my mind. I didn’t want to think about you, but it was as though you were an obsession. I just couldn’t stop, no matter how hard I tried to focus on something else you always seemed to come back into it, no matter what. My right hand felt around in the darkness until it found the edge of the sink. I drew a deep sigh in relief as I bent my knees, bringing my body down until I was seated gently on the freezing cold, tiled floor. I slid myself back gently until I hit the even colder wall of the bathroom and I actually felt it freeze the blood in my neck this time, even if just for a millisecond.
I drew my knees up slowly to my body, closer and closer. My chest begged for them and when they finally came, my head fell into them and I gripped onto my knees for all I could. I felt my body tighten and my arms clench around my legs as tears crept up into the corners of my eyes. Your smiling face flashed itself in my mind once more and that’s all it took. I choked and my back shook as I reached in deep inside me where you’d rested for so long, I reached behind that and pulled out the weak piece of shit that was there, hiding behind you all along. I drew it out of my chest and into the heaving sobs that were now coming from my throat.
I didn’t care who saw me, I didn’t care if people cared or not even if they did catch me crying for you in the darkness of my bathroom. I hated lying to myself, and I hated lying to you. I hated seeing your smiling face because I knew I was going to be the one who’d shatter it, and I didn’t deserve your happiness coming my way. I had a hard time even gaining my own let alone taking yours down with me. I could feel the warm tears grow cold the further down my cheeks they travelled, until they gathered on my jaw line and fell quietly into my lap where I wished I could hold you, where I could hold you so tightly that you’d never be able to leave me ever again.
In the distance somewhere I heard the front door close, but I was beyond caring. My eyes clenched shut as I cried harder, not being able to feel anything. I wasn’t sad anymore, I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t anything. I just loved you, and without you I didn’t know how or what to feel, but I know that I should of. I was probably the weakest person you’d ever met in your life, the biggest waste of space you could ever invite into your own, before lying down and acknowledging I’m really there. Something no one else in the world had done, but you. You looked at me as if I was something, and I found myself breathing because I wanted to. You wrapped your arms around me, and I found myself healing and breaking all over again.
I jumped as a cold hand, colder than my own gripped onto my arm that was holding so tightly to my body, afraid that if I let go I was going to fall apart completely. I lifted my head and looked into the darkness, choking once more. My eyes began to adjust to the darkness, slowly. There was a small ray of light coming from the tiny bathroom window up the top near the ceiling, it was shining down just on me and my legs, and the hand that still held onto my arm gently. I watched, transfixed as your face made its way through the darkness, breaking through to the soft light, your snowy skin reflecting the soft, moonlit glow coming from the window. I gasped short, sniffing and looked down almost straight away. I didn’t deserve to look at you again, ever again.
I felt your soft fingers grip my chin and lift it with ease, my eyes never leaving the ground as my face came into full view beneath the pale blue light. You tapped my chin gently and I looked up, no words needing to be spoken. The parts of your long, black hair that wasn’t tucked behind your ear fell down onto your face like a soft shadowy curtain amidst your pale skin. Your expression was unreadable, inconsolable. Your lips were slightly apart as you looked at me, just staring. I drew a deep breath, looking around inside of me for the strength to look you in the eye again. You tapped my chin once more and I looked up, staring and watching, time being the last thing on my mind as I watched your eyes unfreeze before my very eyes. It was as if the glow of the moonlight had them like ice and they’d melted into my own pool of hazel.
You leant in swiftly, your lips pressing against my own in some sort of urgency, your hands finding either side of my face as you continued to kiss me, to show me somehow that it was okay. I knew better than that. I felt a tear creep up out of the corner of my eye and run down my cheek as quickly as it had come. I sobbed quietly into the kiss as you ran your snowy white fingers through my jet black hair, gripping onto me like I was going somewhere. But I wasn’t, not anymore.
Slowly, and carefully you slowed down. Pulling away gently and biting my lip, eyes closed as you left my mouth cold and guilty. I opened my eyes and looked up into yours, boring into mine. Asking if it was okay now, asking if I still loved you. I brought my hand up slowly, and touched your ear as gently as I could. I pressed my palm against your jaw line and ran my fingers down your skin. You closed your eyes and rested your head in the palm of my hand, breathing slow and unsure. I resentfully took my hand away and you watched me as I looked, and spoke into your eyes once more.
Gerard,
I’ve never found a God in my life that loved me the way you do, and I don’t think I could travel the world enough and still find one. I find myself waiting on the corner of your street in the early morning, watching your curtains blow slightly in the 5am breeze, and I’d stare and wish to god knows what that I could be a small piece of dandelion that so happened to drift into your room. I’d fly inside and sit myself on your window sill, and there I’d watch you forever, I’d look after you the only way I know how, I’d love you more than I’ve loved anyone, always. I travel the streets of Jersey at night time and I wish that you were with me and not with him, I wish you were the one holding my hand in the crisp winter air, watching the fairy lights of the local pizzerias flicker in the night time. I was insecure before I met you, Gerard. I was far beyond help before you realised I needed it, and this time I wasn’t strong enough to dip in deep enough and pull out that small piece of will power… because it’s no longer there. I gave it to you, Gerard. I gave you everything. I’m not going to ask where you were all that time; I’m not going to blame you for not making it. You found me where no one else could, and now I’m going to stay there. In your heart, deeper than anyone but you are able to reach. You’re stronger now, and I’m proud of you.
I watched as your gaze fell, and your eyes clenched shut as my own shared nothing at all. That small smile played on my lips again, and I could feel the warmth of the tears as they crept back up. When I pulled your head up toward mine, I noticed you shared those too, and I gently wiped them away with my thumb, looking at you with hopefully reassuring eyes.
I didn’t need to tell you I loved you, you knew that already. I rested my head on your own and sighed in content. This was all I ever asked for, and it came just a little too late.
I’m so sorry.
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