Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Coming to Terms
Chapter 5
The ride back to the apartment was quiet aside from Brendon singing the kids to sleep. They were out cold by the time we got to the apartment.
“Do you want me to get Alex? He probably weighs more than Lacey does.” Brendon said to me
“Yeah he does. And that would be great” I said as I got my keys out of my purse before picking Lacey up/ Brendon followed me into the apartment with Alex and into the twins bedroom.
“His bed is over there.” I said to Brendon before I laid Lacey down and pulled the blanket over her tiny body. I kissed both kids on the head before walking out of their room.
“I am gonna go change then we can talk.” I said
“Ok” was all Brendon said I went to my room and changed into some pajama pants and a tank top. I slowly made my way into the living room where Brendon was hold a picture frame. Tears were falling from his eyes. I knew exactly what picture he was looking at. It was one of the twins and me when they were first born.
“Bren…” I said softly
“I don’t get it. I just don’t…we were in love. I trusted you and was always 100% honest with you. And you couldn’t even tell me that I had kids. I don’t care if I would have left Panic or not. I had a right to know that I got my girlfriend pregnant. I would have been there to love and support all three of you. I would have found a way to make it work. It all makes sense. You not coming to shows when we invited you out, you not wanting to visit, everything. I could have helped out, instead I didn’t even know about them” Brendon yelled
“I am sorry Brendon. I could say it all day long. I wanted to tell you but I didn’t and nothing will ever change that. I was scared shitless. I didn’t know what the hell to do. I was 17, pregnant, in love, and trying my hardest to let you follow your dreams. Hell when mom found out she kicked me out of the house and still to this day won’t even speak to me. I did want to lose you too, which ended up happening anyways. I fucked up ok. I get it. I made the biggest mistake of my life by not telling you and I have been living in hell ever sing. You don’t know how hard it was having them ask where their daddy was and why he didn’t love them. And it was my fault you were never around. I was my fault that they could only see you on TV and hear you on cd’s. “I said as I cried hard. I sat on the couch and pulled my knees to my chest as I rested my head on them. I could feel Brendon sit on the couch beside me. Then I felt him wrap his arms around me and pull me close to him. This just made me cry even harder. He ran his hand up and down my back in an attempt to calm me down
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry” Brendon kept whispering to me
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for Brendon” I said
“Yes I do. I'm sorry for not realizing that something else was wrong. Especially when you called all upset like you did. I'm sorry for not making sure to see you. I'm sorry for not being there. I'm sorry I let our relationship fall apart. I'm sorry I didn’t put more of an effort to make phone calls to you and put more effort into making us work. But you know what I’m not sorry for. I'm not sorry for helping to create those two beautiful kids. I'm not sorry that I love them with all of my heart already. I just wish I was there for them. I wish I was there for their first steps, first words, and things like that. I wish I was there to see them be born and the just have been here for them.” Brendon softly said. I wiped the tears from my eyes the best that I could before standing up
“Come with me” I said as I held my hand out for him.
“Where are we going?” he asked as I led him down the hall to my bedroom. I sat him on the bed before I went to my closet. I pulled out a box off the shelf.
“I knew you would want to see these some day when I finally got the courage to tell you about them. Its footage from everything starting at their birth up until now. Everything included, first words, first steps, everything” I said as I handed him the box.
“Oh wow” he said as he ran his fingers across it.
“Can we… can we watch them.” He asked as his voice cracked.
“Sure. We’ll uh... have to watch it in here cause the other DVD player is broke” I said
“Its not like we’ve never sat in the same bed together.” He said with a smirk
“I know that dumb ass. I have some shorts of yours from forever ago if you want to change out of jeans.” I said
“That would be great” he said. I found his shorts and tossed them to him. I put the first DVD in while he changed in the bathroom. He came back in shirt loess. I had to force my eyes not to look at him too long. He climbed in bed next to me so we were sitting shoulder to shoulder.
“You ready” I asked
“As I’ll ever be” he said before I started the first DVD. It started out with me in labor on the way to the hospital. I was cussing Monica out who was filming me as Tim drove us to the hospital. Brendon started laughing.
“You look demented” he said
“Yeah well be glad you weren’t there. I would have had some not so nice things to say to you” I said. Brendon just smiled then wrapped an arm around me. I got comfortable to where my head was resting in to crook of his neck. During the footage of the birth, Brendon looked both amazed and disgusted. He cried when he heard their first words. Alex’s was Dada. He was pointing to a picture of Brendon when he said it. Lacey’s first word was shit. I'm pretty sure that was Monica’s doing.
“I miss this” Brendon randomly said.
“Miss what” I asked
“This. Being with you, all the simple things like cuddling and kissing. God Katie, I’ve missed you so fucking much…”
“Bren…”
“Let me finish or I’ll never get this out. I never wanted us to fall apart. I'm not even sure how the fuck it happened but it never changed how I felt, how I still feel about you. I’ve never stopped loving you or caring about you. When I saw you tonight, it was like the first day of high school all over again. And when we kissed tonight, the sparks were still there. I know you felt it too. God I love you so fucking much. I know we’ve been through some shit, but I want so bad for us to be together again” Brendon said as he laced our hands together. I’ve always loved how our hands seem to fit perfectly together.
“I want us to be a family. I want to raise our kids together. I want to give and show you all the world. I know things wont immediately be like they use to, if they ever will, but I want you. I want there to be an us. I did before I knew about the kids. I was and convinced you had moved on. I just… I want to be with you again. I’ve been so fucked these past 3 years without you. I just…I don’t know” Brendon said. We both had tears falling from our eyes. I took one of my hands and wiped his tears away.
“Bren…I…I love you too. I always have and I always will. I want so much to be able to say that we can be together again, but we’ve got two kids we have to worry about. They’d be crushed if we ever split again. I cant do that to them. Plus you are on tour and live halfway across the country from us.” I said
“So you three can come on tour with us and you can move back to Vegas”
“Its not that easy Brendon. Everything the kids have known is here.”
“Sounds like you don’t want to be with me then”
“Bren that’s not what I said”
“Well that’s what it sure as hell sounds like. You don’t really want a relationship with me.”
“I do though. God Brendon. I’ve cried countless nights because you weren’t there. I haven’t been able to so much as look at another guy because I am still a teenager in love. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I just want to be with you and only you. But I cant deal with loosing you again. I cant put our kids through loosing their daddy.”
“That wont happen again. I’ll do everything in my power not to hurt you or the kids. I’ll personally kick my own ass if I do. Plus I'm sure Ryan, Spin, Jon, and Zack would gladly join in” just please give us a chance. Give me a chance. I'm begging you baby” Brendon said as new tears flowed from his eyes.
“Ok” I whispered. Huge smiles came across both of our faces.
“For real? You’ll be my girlfriend again. Would it really be considered again since we never really broke up officially?” Brendon asked
“On one condition” I said
“What’s that?”
“You shut up and kiss me” I said. He smirked before placing his lips on mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck as straddled his waist. He slid his tongue across my bottom lip. I allowed him access as his hands slid under my tank top and came to rest on my lower back where he started to massage. Our kiss quickly turned into heated making out. I could feel that Brendon was hard beneath me.
“Make love to me Bren” I whispered into his ear before placing kisses on his neck
“Are you sure you… oh god” he moaned out once I started moving my hips in a circular motion.
“I am positive Brendon. God I want to feel you inside of me again. Make me remember how mind blowing it was.” I said before Brendon flipped us over so that he was on top of me.
“You don’t know how many times I’ve dreamed of you saying that” Brendon said before kissing me again. His hands went to pull my shirt off. I ran my hands down his back before hooking my thumbs in the waistband of his shorts before tugging them down. The rest of our clothing was quickly lost as well. Our hands were all over each others bodies, mapping out the once familiar territory, trying to get as close to each other as possible. Brendon’s fingers were playing with my clit as I sucked on his collarbone. He was teasing me and it was driving me insane.
“Brendon” I whined
“What?” he asked with a smirk
“You know what”
“I don’t think I do”
“Stop teasing me and get inside of me already!”
“Mmm that I can do. Do you have a condom?”
“Fuck... no do you?”
“In my wallet.” He said before he hopped off the bed and went to get his jeans. He came bouncing back to the bed.
“Mmm you look gorgeous: Brendon said as he starte4d kissing me again. We broke apart for air and I took the condom from him and opened it before sliding it on his hard, waiting cock. I started to let out a giggle.
“What?” He asked
“Nothing. Just somewhere between 18 and 21 your dick got bigger.” I said. Brendon let out a chuckle.
“What can I say, I'm a growing boy. You ready?” Brendon asked as he positioned himself at my opening
“Always ready for you. Just go slow. I haven’t since we...” I said
“I haven’t either.” Brendon said before capturing my lips in his once more as he slid inside of me. He gave me a second to adjust before she started a slow rhythm.
“God you feel so good” H said as he slowly started to speed his pace up some.
“Oh God Bren” I moaned out before I started kissing his neck, leaving marks behind. I felt like I was on cloud nine. It was like we were two puzzle pieces finally getting put together.
“Harder Bren” I said. I was close. I could tell that Brendon was as well. His thrusts were becoming more and more erratic.
“Baby… I'm gonna” Brendon said right as both of our orgasms hit us full force. The pleasure was so intense that I was seeing stars. Brendon collapsed on top of me as we tried to regain a normal breathing pattern.
“Holy fuck” Brendon said with a laugh
“So much better than I remembered” I said.
“Mmm agreed. I love kiss you kiss so kiss fucking kiss much” Brendon said in between kissing me.
“I love you too. More than you can imagine” I said
“ I think I have an idea just how much. But right now sleep sounds amazing” he said. I kissed him one more time before curling into him and falling into the best night of sleep that I have had in 3 years.
The ride back to the apartment was quiet aside from Brendon singing the kids to sleep. They were out cold by the time we got to the apartment.
“Do you want me to get Alex? He probably weighs more than Lacey does.” Brendon said to me
“Yeah he does. And that would be great” I said as I got my keys out of my purse before picking Lacey up/ Brendon followed me into the apartment with Alex and into the twins bedroom.
“His bed is over there.” I said to Brendon before I laid Lacey down and pulled the blanket over her tiny body. I kissed both kids on the head before walking out of their room.
“I am gonna go change then we can talk.” I said
“Ok” was all Brendon said I went to my room and changed into some pajama pants and a tank top. I slowly made my way into the living room where Brendon was hold a picture frame. Tears were falling from his eyes. I knew exactly what picture he was looking at. It was one of the twins and me when they were first born.
“Bren…” I said softly
“I don’t get it. I just don’t…we were in love. I trusted you and was always 100% honest with you. And you couldn’t even tell me that I had kids. I don’t care if I would have left Panic or not. I had a right to know that I got my girlfriend pregnant. I would have been there to love and support all three of you. I would have found a way to make it work. It all makes sense. You not coming to shows when we invited you out, you not wanting to visit, everything. I could have helped out, instead I didn’t even know about them” Brendon yelled
“I am sorry Brendon. I could say it all day long. I wanted to tell you but I didn’t and nothing will ever change that. I was scared shitless. I didn’t know what the hell to do. I was 17, pregnant, in love, and trying my hardest to let you follow your dreams. Hell when mom found out she kicked me out of the house and still to this day won’t even speak to me. I did want to lose you too, which ended up happening anyways. I fucked up ok. I get it. I made the biggest mistake of my life by not telling you and I have been living in hell ever sing. You don’t know how hard it was having them ask where their daddy was and why he didn’t love them. And it was my fault you were never around. I was my fault that they could only see you on TV and hear you on cd’s. “I said as I cried hard. I sat on the couch and pulled my knees to my chest as I rested my head on them. I could feel Brendon sit on the couch beside me. Then I felt him wrap his arms around me and pull me close to him. This just made me cry even harder. He ran his hand up and down my back in an attempt to calm me down
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry” Brendon kept whispering to me
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for Brendon” I said
“Yes I do. I'm sorry for not realizing that something else was wrong. Especially when you called all upset like you did. I'm sorry for not making sure to see you. I'm sorry for not being there. I'm sorry I let our relationship fall apart. I'm sorry I didn’t put more of an effort to make phone calls to you and put more effort into making us work. But you know what I’m not sorry for. I'm not sorry for helping to create those two beautiful kids. I'm not sorry that I love them with all of my heart already. I just wish I was there for them. I wish I was there for their first steps, first words, and things like that. I wish I was there to see them be born and the just have been here for them.” Brendon softly said. I wiped the tears from my eyes the best that I could before standing up
“Come with me” I said as I held my hand out for him.
“Where are we going?” he asked as I led him down the hall to my bedroom. I sat him on the bed before I went to my closet. I pulled out a box off the shelf.
“I knew you would want to see these some day when I finally got the courage to tell you about them. Its footage from everything starting at their birth up until now. Everything included, first words, first steps, everything” I said as I handed him the box.
“Oh wow” he said as he ran his fingers across it.
“Can we… can we watch them.” He asked as his voice cracked.
“Sure. We’ll uh... have to watch it in here cause the other DVD player is broke” I said
“Its not like we’ve never sat in the same bed together.” He said with a smirk
“I know that dumb ass. I have some shorts of yours from forever ago if you want to change out of jeans.” I said
“That would be great” he said. I found his shorts and tossed them to him. I put the first DVD in while he changed in the bathroom. He came back in shirt loess. I had to force my eyes not to look at him too long. He climbed in bed next to me so we were sitting shoulder to shoulder.
“You ready” I asked
“As I’ll ever be” he said before I started the first DVD. It started out with me in labor on the way to the hospital. I was cussing Monica out who was filming me as Tim drove us to the hospital. Brendon started laughing.
“You look demented” he said
“Yeah well be glad you weren’t there. I would have had some not so nice things to say to you” I said. Brendon just smiled then wrapped an arm around me. I got comfortable to where my head was resting in to crook of his neck. During the footage of the birth, Brendon looked both amazed and disgusted. He cried when he heard their first words. Alex’s was Dada. He was pointing to a picture of Brendon when he said it. Lacey’s first word was shit. I'm pretty sure that was Monica’s doing.
“I miss this” Brendon randomly said.
“Miss what” I asked
“This. Being with you, all the simple things like cuddling and kissing. God Katie, I’ve missed you so fucking much…”
“Bren…”
“Let me finish or I’ll never get this out. I never wanted us to fall apart. I'm not even sure how the fuck it happened but it never changed how I felt, how I still feel about you. I’ve never stopped loving you or caring about you. When I saw you tonight, it was like the first day of high school all over again. And when we kissed tonight, the sparks were still there. I know you felt it too. God I love you so fucking much. I know we’ve been through some shit, but I want so bad for us to be together again” Brendon said as he laced our hands together. I’ve always loved how our hands seem to fit perfectly together.
“I want us to be a family. I want to raise our kids together. I want to give and show you all the world. I know things wont immediately be like they use to, if they ever will, but I want you. I want there to be an us. I did before I knew about the kids. I was and convinced you had moved on. I just… I want to be with you again. I’ve been so fucked these past 3 years without you. I just…I don’t know” Brendon said. We both had tears falling from our eyes. I took one of my hands and wiped his tears away.
“Bren…I…I love you too. I always have and I always will. I want so much to be able to say that we can be together again, but we’ve got two kids we have to worry about. They’d be crushed if we ever split again. I cant do that to them. Plus you are on tour and live halfway across the country from us.” I said
“So you three can come on tour with us and you can move back to Vegas”
“Its not that easy Brendon. Everything the kids have known is here.”
“Sounds like you don’t want to be with me then”
“Bren that’s not what I said”
“Well that’s what it sure as hell sounds like. You don’t really want a relationship with me.”
“I do though. God Brendon. I’ve cried countless nights because you weren’t there. I haven’t been able to so much as look at another guy because I am still a teenager in love. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I just want to be with you and only you. But I cant deal with loosing you again. I cant put our kids through loosing their daddy.”
“That wont happen again. I’ll do everything in my power not to hurt you or the kids. I’ll personally kick my own ass if I do. Plus I'm sure Ryan, Spin, Jon, and Zack would gladly join in” just please give us a chance. Give me a chance. I'm begging you baby” Brendon said as new tears flowed from his eyes.
“Ok” I whispered. Huge smiles came across both of our faces.
“For real? You’ll be my girlfriend again. Would it really be considered again since we never really broke up officially?” Brendon asked
“On one condition” I said
“What’s that?”
“You shut up and kiss me” I said. He smirked before placing his lips on mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck as straddled his waist. He slid his tongue across my bottom lip. I allowed him access as his hands slid under my tank top and came to rest on my lower back where he started to massage. Our kiss quickly turned into heated making out. I could feel that Brendon was hard beneath me.
“Make love to me Bren” I whispered into his ear before placing kisses on his neck
“Are you sure you… oh god” he moaned out once I started moving my hips in a circular motion.
“I am positive Brendon. God I want to feel you inside of me again. Make me remember how mind blowing it was.” I said before Brendon flipped us over so that he was on top of me.
“You don’t know how many times I’ve dreamed of you saying that” Brendon said before kissing me again. His hands went to pull my shirt off. I ran my hands down his back before hooking my thumbs in the waistband of his shorts before tugging them down. The rest of our clothing was quickly lost as well. Our hands were all over each others bodies, mapping out the once familiar territory, trying to get as close to each other as possible. Brendon’s fingers were playing with my clit as I sucked on his collarbone. He was teasing me and it was driving me insane.
“Brendon” I whined
“What?” he asked with a smirk
“You know what”
“I don’t think I do”
“Stop teasing me and get inside of me already!”
“Mmm that I can do. Do you have a condom?”
“Fuck... no do you?”
“In my wallet.” He said before he hopped off the bed and went to get his jeans. He came bouncing back to the bed.
“Mmm you look gorgeous: Brendon said as he starte4d kissing me again. We broke apart for air and I took the condom from him and opened it before sliding it on his hard, waiting cock. I started to let out a giggle.
“What?” He asked
“Nothing. Just somewhere between 18 and 21 your dick got bigger.” I said. Brendon let out a chuckle.
“What can I say, I'm a growing boy. You ready?” Brendon asked as he positioned himself at my opening
“Always ready for you. Just go slow. I haven’t since we...” I said
“I haven’t either.” Brendon said before capturing my lips in his once more as he slid inside of me. He gave me a second to adjust before she started a slow rhythm.
“God you feel so good” H said as he slowly started to speed his pace up some.
“Oh God Bren” I moaned out before I started kissing his neck, leaving marks behind. I felt like I was on cloud nine. It was like we were two puzzle pieces finally getting put together.
“Harder Bren” I said. I was close. I could tell that Brendon was as well. His thrusts were becoming more and more erratic.
“Baby… I'm gonna” Brendon said right as both of our orgasms hit us full force. The pleasure was so intense that I was seeing stars. Brendon collapsed on top of me as we tried to regain a normal breathing pattern.
“Holy fuck” Brendon said with a laugh
“So much better than I remembered” I said.
“Mmm agreed. I love kiss you kiss so kiss fucking kiss much” Brendon said in between kissing me.
“I love you too. More than you can imagine” I said
“ I think I have an idea just how much. But right now sleep sounds amazing” he said. I kissed him one more time before curling into him and falling into the best night of sleep that I have had in 3 years.
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