FicWad

It was 1:00 in the morning, and the rain outside was pouring down multiple cats and dogs. But the time nor the rain made even the slightest difference to any of the Gunners. Today was Sunday, the day that the band gathered in the early hours of morning to watch black and white movies and infomercials. It had become a tradition for them after Duff had discovered Steven sitting on the couch alone one night, completely engrossed in a commercial about shaving cream. The five of them were sprawled across their worn green couch, watching the small t.v. flicker with each new channel appearing. Normally, it took only five minutes to choose a channel to settle on. But this Sunday was not one of those days. Steven had the remote this time and couldn't decide on a channel for the life of him. As he continued to speed through the channels, Duff gave a loud and annoyed sigh.

"Steven, could you please choose a channel already?" Duff moaned as his friend continued to surf. Steven pouted as he watched the television.

"But I can't decide," Steven complained, glaring at the t.v. as if it was the television's fault.

"Tough shit. Unlike you, I'd actually like to decide on a station before I die," Duff remarked.

"Or before Slash goes bald," Izzy added, receiving a glare from his friend across the couch. Ignoring his friends pleas, Steven continued to flip through the channels until Axl promptly grabbed the remote from out of his hand and threw it on the floor. They all watched as the remote slowly collided with the ground, breaking in the process. Steven gaped at Axl.

"Dude, what's your damage?! You just broke the remote!" Steven screamed at him, now standing up from off the couch, flailing his arms back and forth.

"You don't think I know that? I have eyes too, dipshit!" Axl snapped.

"Calmate," Slash commanded from behind his mess of hair.

"What he said," Izzy agreed. Steven pouted.

"I don't even know what the fuck he said," Steven complained. Duff rolled his eyes.

"It's French for chill the fuck out," Duff explained, exasperated by Steven's complaining.

"It's Spanish," Izzy remarked before receiving the friendly finger from Duff.

"Does anyone know what channel this is," asked a confused Axl. Everyone turned their attention away from each other and towards the t.v. On the screen was a scene of a beautiful woman in a formal work suit, glancing at her distraught and tired reflection in a window. A picture of a small tube then followed with the word 'Vagisil' written on it in large blue words. The five of them watched on in awe as the narrator of the commercial went on to describe the risks that came with using the product. The advertisement ended with the Gunners gaping at the t.v. Duff scoffed.

"Wow. That's totally not obvious at all. I mean, Vagisil doesn't sound anything like vagina," Duff sarcastically remarked as a commercial for dog biscuits came on.

"God that's so gross! Who in their right mind would ever want to use that shit? I mean, really, putting lotiony-gel-goo on your stuff? That's fucking sick dude!" Steven stuck his tongue out in disgust. Izzy rolled his eyes.

"What do you think lube is, Steve?" Izzy asked. Steven's mouth fell open a bit as he turned red from embarrassment.

"W-well... that's different!" Steven sputtered. Izzy smirked as Duff laughed.

"Do they make that stuff for guys too?" Axl wondered aloud after Steven finally returned to his normal color.

"Why? Does your dick itch and smell like old cheese?" Duff asked. Axl glared.

"No-"

"Oh, right, I forgot, you have a vagina. Sorry," Duff interrupted Axl, resulting in the singer turning beet-red in the face.

"Don't worry, you guys, Axl doesn't have a vagina," Slash commented, watching a German Sheppard eat a dog biscuit from out of its owner's hand. Duff gave him a weird look.

"How would you know?" Duff asked, Izzy looking up from the ground to look at Slash. Before the curly-haired guitarist could answer, Steven piped up.

"I haven't had sex in a really long time," Steven remarked, letting his hands fall on his stomach. Duff glared.

"Thank you, Steven," replied Duff.

"Not a problem," Steven smiled, resulting in the bassist rolling his eyes. Izzy stared at the t.v. with Slash before looking down at his feet.

"I haven't had a good lay in a while, either," Izzy admitted quietly. Duff shrugged.

"That's because Axl hasn't been horny in a while," Duff said casually. Both Izzy and Axl turned simultaneously to give him death glares.

"Maybe that's because Axl has to look at your face everyday," Izzy cynically retorted, glaring at Duff with dark, brown eyes. Duff's head perked up as his eyes began to widen.

"Hey, why don't you come say that to my face you little non-conformist piece of shit?" Duff stood up from the couch as he prepared to punch the living crap out of Izzy. Izzy looked away.

"I'm not in the mood for a turn off."

"Children, will you please stop fighting and kindly shut the fuck up?" Axl asked loudly as he looked from Duff to Izzy. "Duff, sit down, we can't afford to lose our rhythm guitarist just yet," the bassist reluctantly sat down, his eyes still locked on Izzy.

"I think I'm horny," Slash realized, his remark attracting the four appalled looks of his friends.

"What the hell, Slash?" Duff asked incredulously, his question mirroring his "W.T.F." face.

"Why are you horny?" Izzy asked, almost a bit curious to know how his friend had suddenly been turned on. Slash shrugged.

"I don't know. Just this talk about vaginas and sex. I guess it got me all horny and shit," Slash explained informally. The four of them remained silent until Axl decided to speak.

"You're a freak," Axl stated.

"Shut up, Axl, your vagina smells like old cheese," Slash reminded him, making the singer glare daggers at him.

"You know what, I think I'm tired," Duff said, getting up from the couch and heading down the hall.

"Me too," Izzy agreed before following Duff out the room. "Good night, you guys."

"Good night," the three Gunners replied before Steven gave a loud and obnoxious yawn.

"Yeah, I'm tired too. I think I'm going to hit the straw," Steven got up from the couch and made his way to the door. Axl rolled his eyes before turning his head to face Steven as he clumsily walked out the door.

"It's hay, dumbass," yelled Axl as Steven shut the door. Axl just sighed and shook his head, turning back to the t.v. Slash looked at his red-headed friend.

"You want to have sex?" Slash asked. Axl turned his head immediately to face him. The singer then glared.

"Good night, Slash," Axl said as he got up from the couch, leaving the living room almost abruptly. Slash continued to watch the t.v. before giving a small smirk.

"I knew that would get them out of here."