FicWad

A/N: "I don't think that Gun is big enough"

It was cold outside, I had on my lightest sweater and I cursed myself for it. Two joggers past by me both plugged into ipods... I watched them and looked ahead. It had been three days since I had called Grace and there was still no answer. By this time I had expected as much, my family had left me to be alone for a bit too. They knew none of them were going to get inside anytime soon.

Slowly the outside began to warm and I removed my sweater, I slowly fixed my sunglasses. My very bushy beard was the only thing I kept in order, it was the only thing that I could keep straight. A month past and I still can remember the crash like it was yesterday, I don't dream but then again I have nightmares.

I stood up from the bench and began to walk forward, I walked for a very long time in the park. I kept very silent in my mind and felt better not as heavy as before. As it came round to 10 o'clock I returned to my car and drove around Vegas. I stopped in a small cafe for something to drink, I even attempted a sandwich.

Walking back to my car a girl stopped and stared at my face, she seemed to be puzzling over my appearance. I kept walking and looked back when I reached my door, I held my car keys for a second at the opening of the lock. I looked down and then back at her, she instantly inhaled. I watched as she somewhat ran over to me.

"Oh my--," She stopped, "Oh my god! Are you Spencer Smith!?"

Tempting as it was to shake my head I nodded, she took a step away from me. I opened my car door, she was too stupefied to ask for anything...or even form words for that matter. I got in and drove away, I didn't care that I'd left her there. I cared more about being alone...punishing myself.

When I returned home it was dark, and late, very late. I sat on my couch and let the tv fill the void, I didn't check my phone. I could hear traffic outside, but it seemed miles away, so distant that it was a soft buzz. The ceiling played tricks on my eyes as I let them unfocus... this wasn't reality, I was stuck in a trance. Some middle ground I'd never felt before, a middle ground I stayed in because...because... Because I was addicted to it. My ever changing thoughts would cease here, have ceased here will always cease here. I don't remember their voices as well anymore, and this scares me... am I going to forget them? My family will forget me, and I know that. This state of being I cling to, is my only refuge, I feel trapped in my own ignition, my own point of view; except that I watch from a distance and I slowly shoot down the escaping trails. I the sniper and the protected... close to the edge of reason and miles away from sanity. Or am I living the future in the past? What ever this feeling is...this cloud of heavy emotion cannot be penetrated, and no cover will shield me from it... forever and always I am here and I am alone, in a world of people.

Days became weeks and weeks became months... for all I could reason, a year had past me and I still heard nothing from Grace. My family still called, and I sent them letters. Hayley moved on... his name is Richard, he's better for her. The record company had long ceased to get me to come into public, but nobody... the fans forgot about me vanishing. And on my 22nd birthday in early September I got a call from Grace.

"Hello?" I said nervously.

"Hi Spencer," her voice had not changed, "You'll never guess where I have been for the last year, I felt so bad when I came back, seeing your message on my phone from so early," She took a long breath, "I didn't tell many people, but I went to Africa... if I had known you where going to call, I would have let you know. I'm really sorry."

"It's okay Grace," I felt strange, it had been so long, "Listen, can we meet somewhere and talk?"

"Of course Spencer," She seemed very hesitant, she needed to know how I was, "Where shall we meet?"

I thought long and hard, I hadn't been out much... I mumbled the park I went to daily. She agreed to meet me and then we said goodbye. I looked at myself in the mirror, my beard slightly out of control. I showered and shaved completely, I felt better, lighter.