FicWad

And so I am left alone again. Our brief time together marred by darkness, marred by memories we had tried to leave behind.

Exposing our feet of clay was not pleasant, and I remember your pain at having to admit it to yourself.

I always knew what you were, and still loved you for it. Even when you re-appeared in my life, my love never wavered.

Until you were thwarted.

And yet still I love you. Still I crave you. Still I miss you.

For a brief time, we ran together again - wolf and dog, my curse becoming a blessing. For a brief time, we let our love light our lives.

And now you are gone.

Gone in a senseless manner, that had any one of four people acted differently, would have changed the outcome.

Had I acted differently. Had I had the courage to stop you. If you had followed orders, you would be alive. But then, Sirius, you never could follow orders.

We made so many mistakes. If we had encouraged Harry to trust Severus, would he have gone off in the way he did? Would he have listened to Severus?

Perhaps not. In many ways, he has his father's arrogance.

Were we looking for James in Harry? Perhaps we were. Perhaps we were so keen to find James again that we forgot to let Harry discover his own identity.

We certainly were guilty of not telling him the whole truth. Certainly guilty of portraying James as a hero. He was human.

As were you.

I'm alone in our bed now. Your pillow still smells of you. It helps to bring you closer. I try to believe that you'll be back. You've just popped out, that's all.

I know I'm wrong. But then, in the last year I've been wrong about you so many times.

I didn't see your depression at first. It took Harry to make me see you descend into drinking. Not that we haven't gotten roaring drunk together, but not like this.

Not stale drunk.

I spent so much time trying to fit in, trying to do my bit and yours, that I forgot about us.
And yet how can I remember the bad times? There were good times, weren't there? Times when we were happy, without any taint of darkness. Few, yes, but enough.

Carefree days during the early part of a golden summer. Laughing together, loving together.

And then the Order. Always the Order. And your anger. I can understand that. You were always so active, that the days of inactivity must have been truly despairing for you.

So much we should have done differently. So many times we should have been able to spot the problems.

So many mistakes. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I can clearly see where we went wrong. Clearly see what we could have done to change the outcome.

Clearly see that it was the arrogance of the Order that allowed this to happen. Doing things "for the best" and forgetting that it was best for us - not for those children. If we had told them everything, allowed them to take an active part, they would have known what was going on.

Yet another way they would not have gone off alone.

Alone. In the end, I am always alone. Only with you could I always have a companion. Both man and dog - man and wolf. Always together.

And yet, neither of us was willing to admit to anybody our deepest feelings for each other. Most of them knew, but the person who we both feel most responsible for remained ignorant.

And so I cannot even share my loss with him.

Can I take over your role? Can I be his "father"? I think not. Harry has had enough of fathers.

Can I be his friend? Am I already his friend? Mentor? Definitely. Perhaps I can be a brother. Or perhaps I will leave him alone completely - he's not you. He's not James.

For the first time in days I can feel the tears starting. I'm alone now. Nobody to listen to, nobody to see. I bury myself into your pillow and let the tears flow.

Farewell my friend.