- First of all you are certainly brave to choose to write about Winnie the Pooh and Kingdome Hearts. I have never seen such a story before and so I was immediately intrigued.
I love Pooh's speculations about other worlds. He isn't as dim as he thinks he is clearly.
I love your description of the stranger's scent.
I would change this sentence: "The stranger asked him about the woods, about his friends, and about honey, all of which Pooh were more than glad to answer" to read like this: "The stranger asked Pooh questions about the woods, about his friends, and about honey, all of which Pooh was more than glad to answer."
I love how apparently the stranger and Pooh both eat some honey while they talk. That's a lovely little detail, telling the time partially by the amount of honey consumed.
"Although his expression was hidden beneath the dark hood, Pooh thought he heard a smile in his voice." I would change the first "his" to "the stranger's."
"Despite their relative sizes, there was such careworn gentleness in the touch that it seemed as though centuries stood between them." This sentence confuses me. First of all I think "careworn" is not the word you are looking for. It means that something is worn with the worried that usually accompany age, but I don't really see how a gesture could have that quality. Also what do their sizes have to do with a period of time standing between them? Do you mean that despite the fact that Pooh is smaller than the stranger, the stranger actually seems to be centuries older than him. You might want to be a bit more specific.
"After the stranger had left, Pooh couldn't help but gaze up at the sky full of stars, brilliant pinpricks of radiance and inky blackness in between, and wonder if each one had a story just like theirs." I would change "theirs" to "The Hundred Acre Wood's."
But I love this story and your dialogue is quite excellent. This is a very original and well-written piece.
Author's responseThanks for the very detailed review. I sometimes ignore more rules of grammar than is good for me ^^;
- this story was really good. when you talk about the stranger, i can't help but feel that it's either Riku, or Roxas, or mayber even DiZ.
anyway, lovely story, keep up the good work.
It could be any of a number of people, quite up to the reader to interpret =)
(#) SakurasSong 2009-07-22Wow. Just...wow. Well done! Well-written all around, very insightful, and also intriguing. One of those "what if" scenarios that could have actually taken place.
Nice laid-back, polite tone with Pooh. And Mister Stranger...I'd like to think he's Roxas, but he could have been anyone, really. He spoke like Roxas or Riku would.
Excellent job! This is definitely a favorite!
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