Categories > Books > Harry Potter

Why Umbridge Cannot Teach Magical Defense

by Quillian 1 review

One-shot! Just some silly idea I got one day and turned into a short story!

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor - Characters: Umbridge - Warnings: [!] - Published: 2005-05-16 - Updated: 2005-05-16 - 859 words - Complete

DISCLAIMER: I don't Harry Potter, etc.; J.K. Rowling and other people do. Must I say more?

SUMMARY: Not too long ago, I was flipping through my new Latin books when I realized my original mistake with the Weight-Increasing Hex. The incantation, "gravesco," means "I gain weight." On the other hand, "Gravescis" means "you gain weight."

Needless to say, I was a little horrified at my mistake, especially since I lent it to GreenGecko for her captivating story "Resonance." (She lent me her Titan Block and Grand Flecture spells, so I returned the favor with the Weight-Increasing Hex.) Foolish of me to try that before actually learning Latin... :P

One rather obvious thing that occurred to me was that if a character said "Gravesco," they would gain weight. For some strange reason, Umbridge came to mind... ;)

Also, I suppose this could tie into my "Heir of Gryffindor" fic, even if I didn't originally plan for that. Either way, this was a stupid little idea that was too fun to let go of. XD

/Why Umbridge Cannot Teach Magical Defense/

By Quillian

(originally named Kraeg001)

One day at Hogwarts, about thirty years ago, a fourth year class of Slytherins was sitting down for that day's lesson of Defense Against the Dark Arts.

One of the girls was not paying attention to that lesson's lecture, because she was too busy doodling sloppy kittens onto her vibrant pink parchment. Her name was Dolores Umbridge.

Miss Umbridge was one of the prettiest Slytherins around, with her soft brown hair and her slim figure. She was often the social queen in her clique, and was astoundingly devious and clever. Her ambition was not something to be taken lightly.

That day, the DADA professor was teaching about something called the Weight-Increasing Hex. Umbridge wasn't paying attention while this was going on, because she was too busy twirling her quill in her right hand. When the professor suddenly called on her, she jerked so suddenly that she somehow caused the tip of the quill to scratch into the back of her hand, causing a small line of blood to appear. After taking some cheap parchment and using that as a temporary bandage, she was asked to demonstrate the Weight-Increasing Hex on some dummies that were hanging from the ceiling. The challenge was that the spells had to be effective enough so that within fifteen seconds, the dummies would gain enough weight to fall to the floor from the ropes they were suspended from.

Umbridge remembered hearing part of the incantation, but not the last syllable. What was the incantation? Oh yes, /"Gravesc"/-something. And since most spells ended with the "Oh" sound anyway, she was pretty sure she knew what to do.

Gripping her wand and walking to the front of the class with a sugary smile on her face, she tried to do the hex. "Gravesco!" she shouted.

Only problem was, it backfired.

She suddenly gained weight, and her face became flabby and paunchy. Her body threatened to go beyond the boundaries of her uniform, so thinking fast, her professor tried to slow it down as much as possible and hurriedly sent her to the Hospital Wing with a note.

The school nurse tried to minimize the damage as much as possible, but it was too late; Dolores Jane Umbridge was now officially short, fat and ugly.

For the rest of her time at Hogwarts, she became isolated, snarky, and sneaky. She would often resort to thievery, lies and even blackmail in order to get what she wanted from this suddenly oh-so-cruel world.

DADA now officially became her most hated subject, and she abhorred anyone getting spells right when she couldn't. Heck, she probably couldn't have taught Magical Defense even if her life had depended on it.

This psychological pattern of hers contend into her adult life, where she finally got her wish (apart from having a high-power job in the Ministry of Magic, of course); she got to rule the entire Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

However, that wish came at a price: It was quite short-lived, mainly due to the "coup d'etat" at the end of the year in what could have been considered a joint effort by students, staff, and centaurs.

And now, Dolores Umbridge was in disgrace and mostly known by names such as "Dungbridge," "Dumbridge," and probably most notably of all, "Umbitch."

In her home the following summer, as she heavily drank her firewhiskey, she decided that she couldn't live like this anymore. Writing out a will, she pointed her wand to her head and said one final word, the word which had caused all her problems so long ago...


The next morning, Aurors barged in to arrest her, only to find out that she had been flattened to death because she committed suicide with the wrongly used Weight-Increasing Hex.


A/N: This was supposed to be funny. Was it? I'm not so sure now. It didn't come out quite as I'd hoped it would... Oh well, I hope you guys like it, at least.
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