Categories > Original > Romance > In A Darkened Room
In A Darkened Room
By Mishi
Chapter 14
Dealing with Man’s Desires
After getting off the phone with Maire, Touya decided to get up and start his day. He chose a tan pair of leather pants and a wine colored knit sweater that clung tight to his body for the evenings outfit. The sweater was long sleeved and soft, and he hoped that Maire would like it. As much as he wanted to deny it, he wanted his body to be noticed, which the tighter clothing would help; and he wanted her to touch him, which he was hoping the softness of the material would encourage.
For the moment, he could be found sitting before the computer in his computer chair with his legs stretched out before him and crossed at the ankle. He was barefoot, which was one of his favorite things in the world to be, and slumping lazily in the chair. His attention was being held by a Japanese television show he had downloaded and stored on his hard drive. The program was almost at its end when he heard the sound of the virtual door open. He continued watching the show; until finally, he heard the “bing” that told him there was an instant message waiting for him. He closed the media player window that he was using to watch the show, and found the instant message text box waiting behind it.
SirThomas1459: Good morning, did you have another rough night?
LuminouslyImpaired: No, Maire woke me up at 2:30 today wanting to talk. She’s not use to this entire vampire sleeps during the day routine.
SirThomas1459: Would this waking up be in your bed or hers?
LuminouslyImpaired: Ha ha. It was a phone call asshole. Don’t even joke about that, because you have no idea.
SirThomas1459: It sounds like things are progressing. How about you enlighten me.
LuminouslyImpaired: I want her. There’s nothing else to say.
SirThomas1459: Wow, you mean you’ve finally discovered girls?
LuminouslyImpaired: You aren’t getting this. I. WANT. HER. I can’t control myself around her. I keep going a little too far. I’m afraid that I’m going to hurt her.
SirThomas1459: Stop your whining. You have more control than anyone I’ve ever met. You won’t hurt her. You are too well disposed towards humans to be anything other than patient and gentle. I’m glad you’re finally going to take my advice and make her your lover. I think that will be good for you.
LuminouslyImpaired: I can’t make her my lover; she’s not ready for that. She’s too innocent for me.
SirThomas1459: Fuck off! Why are you making excuses when you just told me you wanted her?
LuminouslyImpaired: Let me explain it to you. We went out drinking last night and she discovered the joy of touching. I didn’t take advantage of her, and it was pretty tame by most standards. She called me today and apologized for all of it. She couldn’t let herself enjoy it. There’s no way we could have sex and her not die of guilt.
SirThomas1459: Give her time. If she enjoyed it, then it will happen again. You wouldn’t want her so bad if she was any other way. I’ve known a lot of people with various kinks, but you have the strangest kink of them all. You would have a fetish for purity.
LuminouslyImpaired: It’s not a fetish. I just like women who have modesty and a good sense of morals. There isn’t anything kinky about that.
SirThomas1459: Anything you say, mate.
****
Touya hadn’t been in the building across the alley for more than twenty minutes when Maire called him. In the soft voice that worked so well on her, he answered, “Yes, Ma-chan?”
She responded, sounding pouty, “Where are you?” She was looking out the window trying to see into the window across the alley.
“I’m where I always am.” He walked up to the window so she could see him.
“But after last night I thought you would just come straight over here tonight.”
“You tried to apologize for last night, so I thought it might be best if I backed off a bit.” Even as he spoke the words, he knew he had every intention of showing up at her apartment at some point in the evening.
“No!” She exclaimed, lightly kicking the wall beneath the window. “I didn’t mean for it to drive you away. I don’t regret spending time with you. So, what…I can’t have you if I don’t hang all over you?”
“I never said that, baby. I think you need to figure out what you want before I start getting closer to you. You need to be honest with yourself about what you want and what you will allow yourself to do.”
“Touya, I’m supposed to help you regain the faith you lost…I don’t think I’m allowed to get romantically involved with you. And by the laws of God, I can’t get too physically involved either. I don’t know what to do. Can’t I just know you and be close to you?” She pleaded.
“Are you sure that’s all that you want from me? I don’t understand why you can’t have a relationship and still do whatever it is God supposedly wants you to do with me. Over the centuries I have witnessed several men who have converted to the Church for the love of a woman.”
“I don’t know why I can’t do both, and I don’t think it matters what I want.” She sounded defeated.
He walked away from the window so she wouldn’t see the anger in his expression. “Maire, when we were at Blue Heaven, and I was sitting with the blond woman, were you jealous?”
The question caught her off guard. “Why would I have felt jealous?” She answered not wanting to give him the true answer.
“If I read your mind right now, would that be the answer I would find? Or, are you lying?”
She closed her eyes and shook her head. She didn’t like that he could just peek into her head and see what she didn’t want him to know. Finally she answered, “Fine…I was jealous. Why does it matter?”
“I’ll get to that, but first answer another question for me. Why were you jealous?”
She rested her head against the cool glass of the window. “You were my date.”
“But you said we weren’t on a date last night. It seems that your feelings aren’t consistent with what you are saying. You’re saying one thing, but wanting the other to be true. Which is the reality, Ma-chan?”
“I’m not good with men, Touya. I don’t really know what I’m doing. You never said it was a date, so I guess I got the wrong idea about it.”
He came back to the window and leaned against the frame on his right shoulder. “Ask me who’s company I wanted more, yours or the blond’s?”
“I’m afraid too,” she said in a small voice, looking down at her floor.
“Look at me, baby, you don’t have any reason to be afraid.” He waited for her to look up, then continued, “I wanted to be with you. I was very pleased with how it turned out.”
“I don’t believe you. You have to be humoring me. She was so much prettier than I am. I mean, I look flat chested compared to her. There is no way you picked me over her.”
“From what I had the pleasure of being so close to last night, I would say your breasts are just fine. I should know, because every time they brushed against me it drove me crazy.”
“Touya! You’re being naughty…stop it,” she giggled, her face turning a bright red.
He gave her a wicked grin and informed her, “Ah, but you’re enjoying my naughtiness. I’ve discovered you like it a great deal when I notice your body.”
“Ok, I’ve had it…get over here!” She demanded with laughter in her voice.
He got serious and told her, “I can’t.”
Instantly the good humor left her and she pouted again, “Why not?”
“Being with you is dangerous for the both of us. If I’m going to risk your life and damage to my own person, I have to know what I’m risking it for. I know what I want. I know how far I’m willing to go. But you don’t seem to have that same certainty. What are you risking your life for, Maire? What do you expect me to endanger your life for?”
“The reason we are together is to help you find your faith. I’ll give my life for that.”
“Then what happens when you realize I can’t be saved? Were you just going to say goodbye and good luck?”
“I don’t really see it happening that way, but I thought I would still be your friend.”
He walked away from the window again, hiding his face from her as he spoke, “What if I can’t settle for that?”
“You keep asking me what I want…what do you want, Touya?”
He was quiet for a long moment before answering, “I want the touching, and you getting jealous when I’m with someone else. I want you blushing and giggling when I discover a new body part. I want everything that we have, but you will not accept. The only way I would risk the danger is if we were in a romantic relationship.”
“Can I pray about it and give you an answer later?”
Her words hadn’t been what he wanted to hear. He couldn’t deny they stung. But before he could respond to her question he heard his phone telling him there was another call trying to come through on the other line. “I think someone is trying to call me…I’ll call you back,” he hastily explained and hung up.
She was left staring at the phone as if it had bit her. Seeing that he wasn’t coming back to the window, she decided to go sit on the couch and fight the urge to cry.
***
He answered the call with hurt still evident in his voice, “Yeah…what?”
“Damn, boss, you ok?” Bethany asked with true concern, while standing in the middle of Touya’s apartment.
He took a deep breath before answering, “I’m fine. What do you need?” His voice was calm and controlled, and no longer held any hint of what he was feeling.
“I got the info you wanted from Jagger. He’s an interesting guy,” she laughed sarcastically. “I thought he was going to fuck me where I stood.”
“You’re lucky you told him you were mine. He comes on really strong if you are a human on your own.”
“Good God, you mean he gets worse? Damn, I don’t want to see that!”
“No, you don’t,” he confirmed.
“Well, I have an envelope of stuff for you here at your place. I’m also picking up the laundry for the week…any special instructions?”
“Yeah, a pair of my black leather pants got torn up last week, can you get me a new pair? I’ll also need you to get me some cash so I can buy some new shirts. I’ve wasted a few of those lately too.”
“Boss, just use your debit card.”
“I hate using that thing. I can’t remember to write the stupid shit down.”
“With your account…like it makes any difference, you’re not going to run out of money any time soon.”
“Bethany, how much am I paying you?” He was starting to sound a little frustrated.
“Hold up, boss…I know you pay me very well. Sorry, I’ll do it your way.”
“Thank you. Now is that all you wanted to talk about?”
“That’s it. I’ll get your cash and drop it off tomorrow at four. The envelope will be on your desk. I’m out,” she said ending the call on her end.
He smiled looking at the phone, “That’s what I like about you, Bethany; I don’t have to worry about all that etiquette crap. Short and sweet, and the call is over…no waiting for a goodbye.”
He sat down in the chair and wondered what he should do next. He knew where he wanted to be, but getting there was the problem. He slumped forward in the seat with his arms on the armrests. His head was down leaving his hair hanging like a black curtain around his face. He needed to call her back, but he wasn’t ready. He was actually worried that her answer would be a rejection, which he couldn’t face. So instead of calling, he sat there in the darkened room listening to the silence of both the apartment in which he sat and hers.
****
She had managed to sit there and not cry as she waited for the phone to ring, but it had taken a lot of self control to keep the tears from welling up in her eyes. The battle against crying did tell her what she needed to know; she already cared too much to deny him what he wanted. She knew she couldn’t just be friends no matter how hard she tried.
Something about the way the phone lay on the table in front of her seemed very cruel as she waited for it to ring. How could it just sit there and calmly keep her waiting? Suddenly it rang and she reached out for it, without checking the caller ID she began to speak, “Touya, you know you mean a lot to me…”
Her mother interrupted her, “Dear, it’s your mother. Who’s Touya?”
Maire’s hand flew over her mouth and she closed her eyes as tight as she could. ‘Oh, God! No, that did not just happen.’
When she received no response, her mother played her own guessing game. “Is he that young man that saved you last week? That sounds like the name Michael gave me. Sweetheart, are you alright? Why won’t you answer me?” Her voice was growing heavy with concern.
“Sorry, mom, I was expecting him to call me. Yes, you have the right person in mind,” Maire confirmed as she got up to get around to the open floor to pace.
“So he means a lot to you? Does this mean there is a romantic involvement that Michael didn’t mention?”
‘Oh no, what do I say? He’s listening, but even if all he hears is a bunch of yes and no’s; I’m toast if I say the wrong thing and he asks me about it later. Darn it!’ Maire’s mind raced.
“Dear, you’re being really quiet again.”
“Sorry, I was thinking about your question. It’s hard to answer, because we don’t know yet.” She took a deep breath and finished, “I guess you could say we just started dating.”
“Oh, how wonderful! I knew you would find someone eventually. When do I get to meet him?” She asked her voice finally cheerful.
“Slow down, mom. His life is very complicated. He keeps strange hours, and I don’t want to speed things up too much.”
She lost some of her enthusiasm, but was still in good spirits when she replied, “Oh well, I will just have to wait, I guess. At least, you are finally dating, so there’s hope for wedding bells someday.”
Maire rolled her eyes and shock her head. “Mom, not everyone needs to get married. I don’t see that happening.”
“Whatever you say, dear, I’ll let you have your way for now.”
“Fine.”
“Where you ever going to call me about what happened last Tuesday night? I’ve been worried sick.”
“I told Michael to tell you everything, because I don’t want to talk about it. I want to forget it happened and move on.”
“Sweetheart, you need to face it and get it over with. If you hold on to it, it will come back and haunt you sometime in the future. Now, did you talk to your psychiatrist about this?”
“Yes, mom, I talked to him in the hospital. And, no, I don’t need to talk about it. It was humiliating enough to go through it, let alone to talk about it over and over with people,” Maire explained holding her ground. She had a quick flashback of herself tied down on the bed with the man kneeling over her naked body. She stopped walking and put her hand over her eyes.
“All the doctors will tell you that talking with someone you trust…”
“I don’t care what the doctors say!” She snapped. “Mom, I don’t want to sound mean, but I don’t feel well all of a sudden and I need to go,” Maire explained as she started to shake and turn pale.
“If you’re feeling bad, I’ll let you go. I love you. Goodnight, Maire,” she said not seeming too upset with the sudden brush off.
“I love you too. Night, mom.”
She managed to get the phone back on the base and went to the kitchen for water. She could feel the panic rising and her back growing tighter. Again a vision of the man cutting into her flashed before her mind’s eye. She wavered and grabbed the bar, sitting the water down before she dropped it. She closed her eyes and called out in a shaky voice, “Touya, I need you! I can’t take this anymore.”
What felt like an eternity to her, actually took thirty seconds. She opened her eyes after hearing the sound of his coat being tossed over the corner of the couch. The relief was instant and she flew into his waiting arms. The moment those strong arms wrapped around her, she felt safe. She let the tears flow freely as she nuzzled against his chest.
“Let go of me for a second, baby,” he whispered against her hair.
She let go and backed up and he moved to take off his boots. Once off, he led her to the couch and said, “We’re going to lie down. You need to relax and that won’t happen with you standing up.” He got into a comfortable position and reached out for her, “Come to me, baby. Come rest.”
She grabbed some facial tissue before lying down and sat the box on the floor next to the couch. Then she climbed across his body to lie between him and the back of the couch. The upper part of her body was half draped across his chest and his arm was around her. His hand was gently massaging her back. His other hand was massaging her shoulder.
“Do you want to talk about it with me, or would it be better to just lay here and cry?” He asked her.
“I keep having flashbacks of being back in that room. I wonder if they will come for me again,” she told him through her tears.
“The man won’t…I killed him. I didn’t mean to, but when I saw you I couldn’t control myself. I must have hit him too hard.”
“Would you think less of me if I said I wasn’t sad that he’s dead?”
“No, I wouldn’t. I’m sad, though. I don’t like killing people.”
“I’m sad for you then, but not for him. I’ll ask God to help me to forgive him, though.”
“If that will help you, go for it.”
“It will. Forgiving him will help me move on.” She was quiet for a moment, and then added, “I feel so safe here with you. I wish I could always feel this way.”
“I wish you could always feel safe too.” She was slowly rubbing his stomach, which was starting to turn him on. To make her stop without clueing her into what she was doing, he took her hand in his and laid it on his chest. That’s when it occurred to him that his unusual body temperature might be uncomfortable for her. “I’m sorry that my body is cooler than yours. It had to feel like ice when I first came in, but should have warmed up a bit by now. You keep the apartment pretty warm,” he apologized.
“Umm…I don’t mind…it feels nice,” she mumbled on the edge of sleep.
He let her drift off as he lay there listening to her breathing and heartbeat. As the hours slipped by, he noticed that she slept soundly and without signs of having a nightmare. He was just about to doze off himself when he felt her stir.
“What time is it?” She asked propping herself up.
He reached into his pocket and fished out the iPhone. “It’s two thirty-six,” he told her.
“Wow, I must have been tired. I have to get up and work in the soup kitchen this morning, so I better get changed and get to bed,” she informed him as she got up from the couch.
“I guess it had to end sometime,” he smiled.
“You know, I was wondering… well, do you have to leave tonight?” she asked him shyly.
His eyes widened a bit and he asked, “Are you asking me to spend the night?”
“I’m not asking for sex. I was just hoping we could sleep…like we were just doing.”
“I don’t need to hunt tonight, so I guess I have nowhere else to be.”
“Great, just wait in here and I’ll let you in when I’m dressed,” she said as she walked into the bedroom and turned to close the door.
He moved over to stand before the door, listening to her moving about the room on the other side. Placing a hand on each side of the door frame, he leaned in to rest his head against the wood. He was trying not to think about what she was doing, or about the fact he was about to share a bed with her for the night.
At last she opened the door wearing an over sized tee shirt. It was powder blue with a small kitten chasing a butterfly on the front of it. She looked at him and was met with hungry eyes. She looked down before saying, “I forgot that I needed to do laundry today. I guess I was too into working on my costume.”
He took a step towards her and she backed up into the room. He slowly followed her like a cat stalking a mouse. She turned away from him and picked up her clock so she could set it.
“You have beautiful legs, Ma-chan,” he confessed as he fought not to touch her. He wanted to run his hands up and down her legs until she begged him to do other things.
“Thank you,” she responded with a whisper, hiding her face with her hair. “Could you turn out the light?”
He did as she requested, and she climbed into bed. With the lights out, he walked over to the side of the bed and looked down at her. Half of the bed was waiting for him with the covers turned down.
“Are you sure you trust me enough to share that bed with me? You can barely look at me.”
She gathered her strength and looked up at him, saying, “I trust you…I just wasn’t prepared for the look of lust on your face.”
“You have a very strong effect on me. It’s difficult to control at times.”
“Thank you for always being a gentleman,” she said reaching out to him. “Come to bed, Touya.”
He took her hand and kissed it before sliding into the covers next to her. He turned to face her and tucked his hand under his head, leaving his arm bent out in front of his face for her to lay her head on. They were close enough that their noses were touching. He was careful to keep his free hand on his own side; instead of touching her for fear that he might lose some of his self control.
Maire was rubbing his chest enjoying the feel of the material under her hands. “I love this sweater,” she admitted.
“Ah, I thought you might,” he sighed triumphantly.
“So you knew you were going to end up in my apartment tonight? Why did you make it so hard on me?” She asked somewhat annoyed.
“I hoped I would end up here. You didn’t originally answer the way I thought you would. I’m glad you chose what I wanted,” he explained.
“So I guess I have a boyfriend,” she giggled.
He reached down and slid his hand under her shirt and across her rear end to let his hand come to a rest in the middle of her bare back. He delighted at the small sound she made and the way her body pushed against his as he did it.
She was still feeling the affect of the shiver that had rushed through her body as his hand made its small journey. Fighting for the ability to talk, she said, “That was nice…but not fair!”
“Your hand on my chest is nice, so I thought I would return the favor.” He let his fingers work on her back as he kissed her forehead. He then moved to whisper into her ear, “I would give anything to kiss you right now.”
She was breathing a little heavier as he moved on to her neck. “What’s stopping you?” She asked her words full of breath.
He drew back to look at her. “I know if I do, I won’t stop. I can stop touching you if I have to, but if I let myself kiss you…,” he finished with his lips hovering just above hers.
“Touya, I can’t,” she pleaded, both wanting and not wanting to continue.
He settled back down and tried to let his excitement wane. He also removed his hand from under her shirt to place it around her waist. Out of respect of his efforts, she stopped rubbing his chest, but didn’t remove her hand from him totally. Instead, she left it pressed against his chest, so she could feel his heart beat.
“I hope I didn’t upset you,” she whispered.
“No, baby, you have every right to say no. Don’t ever feel like you can’t say no to me,” he informed her, his voice at its usual softness.
“Thank you. You don’t know what that means to me.”
By Mishi
Chapter 14
Dealing with Man’s Desires
After getting off the phone with Maire, Touya decided to get up and start his day. He chose a tan pair of leather pants and a wine colored knit sweater that clung tight to his body for the evenings outfit. The sweater was long sleeved and soft, and he hoped that Maire would like it. As much as he wanted to deny it, he wanted his body to be noticed, which the tighter clothing would help; and he wanted her to touch him, which he was hoping the softness of the material would encourage.
For the moment, he could be found sitting before the computer in his computer chair with his legs stretched out before him and crossed at the ankle. He was barefoot, which was one of his favorite things in the world to be, and slumping lazily in the chair. His attention was being held by a Japanese television show he had downloaded and stored on his hard drive. The program was almost at its end when he heard the sound of the virtual door open. He continued watching the show; until finally, he heard the “bing” that told him there was an instant message waiting for him. He closed the media player window that he was using to watch the show, and found the instant message text box waiting behind it.
SirThomas1459: Good morning, did you have another rough night?
LuminouslyImpaired: No, Maire woke me up at 2:30 today wanting to talk. She’s not use to this entire vampire sleeps during the day routine.
SirThomas1459: Would this waking up be in your bed or hers?
LuminouslyImpaired: Ha ha. It was a phone call asshole. Don’t even joke about that, because you have no idea.
SirThomas1459: It sounds like things are progressing. How about you enlighten me.
LuminouslyImpaired: I want her. There’s nothing else to say.
SirThomas1459: Wow, you mean you’ve finally discovered girls?
LuminouslyImpaired: You aren’t getting this. I. WANT. HER. I can’t control myself around her. I keep going a little too far. I’m afraid that I’m going to hurt her.
SirThomas1459: Stop your whining. You have more control than anyone I’ve ever met. You won’t hurt her. You are too well disposed towards humans to be anything other than patient and gentle. I’m glad you’re finally going to take my advice and make her your lover. I think that will be good for you.
LuminouslyImpaired: I can’t make her my lover; she’s not ready for that. She’s too innocent for me.
SirThomas1459: Fuck off! Why are you making excuses when you just told me you wanted her?
LuminouslyImpaired: Let me explain it to you. We went out drinking last night and she discovered the joy of touching. I didn’t take advantage of her, and it was pretty tame by most standards. She called me today and apologized for all of it. She couldn’t let herself enjoy it. There’s no way we could have sex and her not die of guilt.
SirThomas1459: Give her time. If she enjoyed it, then it will happen again. You wouldn’t want her so bad if she was any other way. I’ve known a lot of people with various kinks, but you have the strangest kink of them all. You would have a fetish for purity.
LuminouslyImpaired: It’s not a fetish. I just like women who have modesty and a good sense of morals. There isn’t anything kinky about that.
SirThomas1459: Anything you say, mate.
****
Touya hadn’t been in the building across the alley for more than twenty minutes when Maire called him. In the soft voice that worked so well on her, he answered, “Yes, Ma-chan?”
She responded, sounding pouty, “Where are you?” She was looking out the window trying to see into the window across the alley.
“I’m where I always am.” He walked up to the window so she could see him.
“But after last night I thought you would just come straight over here tonight.”
“You tried to apologize for last night, so I thought it might be best if I backed off a bit.” Even as he spoke the words, he knew he had every intention of showing up at her apartment at some point in the evening.
“No!” She exclaimed, lightly kicking the wall beneath the window. “I didn’t mean for it to drive you away. I don’t regret spending time with you. So, what…I can’t have you if I don’t hang all over you?”
“I never said that, baby. I think you need to figure out what you want before I start getting closer to you. You need to be honest with yourself about what you want and what you will allow yourself to do.”
“Touya, I’m supposed to help you regain the faith you lost…I don’t think I’m allowed to get romantically involved with you. And by the laws of God, I can’t get too physically involved either. I don’t know what to do. Can’t I just know you and be close to you?” She pleaded.
“Are you sure that’s all that you want from me? I don’t understand why you can’t have a relationship and still do whatever it is God supposedly wants you to do with me. Over the centuries I have witnessed several men who have converted to the Church for the love of a woman.”
“I don’t know why I can’t do both, and I don’t think it matters what I want.” She sounded defeated.
He walked away from the window so she wouldn’t see the anger in his expression. “Maire, when we were at Blue Heaven, and I was sitting with the blond woman, were you jealous?”
The question caught her off guard. “Why would I have felt jealous?” She answered not wanting to give him the true answer.
“If I read your mind right now, would that be the answer I would find? Or, are you lying?”
She closed her eyes and shook her head. She didn’t like that he could just peek into her head and see what she didn’t want him to know. Finally she answered, “Fine…I was jealous. Why does it matter?”
“I’ll get to that, but first answer another question for me. Why were you jealous?”
She rested her head against the cool glass of the window. “You were my date.”
“But you said we weren’t on a date last night. It seems that your feelings aren’t consistent with what you are saying. You’re saying one thing, but wanting the other to be true. Which is the reality, Ma-chan?”
“I’m not good with men, Touya. I don’t really know what I’m doing. You never said it was a date, so I guess I got the wrong idea about it.”
He came back to the window and leaned against the frame on his right shoulder. “Ask me who’s company I wanted more, yours or the blond’s?”
“I’m afraid too,” she said in a small voice, looking down at her floor.
“Look at me, baby, you don’t have any reason to be afraid.” He waited for her to look up, then continued, “I wanted to be with you. I was very pleased with how it turned out.”
“I don’t believe you. You have to be humoring me. She was so much prettier than I am. I mean, I look flat chested compared to her. There is no way you picked me over her.”
“From what I had the pleasure of being so close to last night, I would say your breasts are just fine. I should know, because every time they brushed against me it drove me crazy.”
“Touya! You’re being naughty…stop it,” she giggled, her face turning a bright red.
He gave her a wicked grin and informed her, “Ah, but you’re enjoying my naughtiness. I’ve discovered you like it a great deal when I notice your body.”
“Ok, I’ve had it…get over here!” She demanded with laughter in her voice.
He got serious and told her, “I can’t.”
Instantly the good humor left her and she pouted again, “Why not?”
“Being with you is dangerous for the both of us. If I’m going to risk your life and damage to my own person, I have to know what I’m risking it for. I know what I want. I know how far I’m willing to go. But you don’t seem to have that same certainty. What are you risking your life for, Maire? What do you expect me to endanger your life for?”
“The reason we are together is to help you find your faith. I’ll give my life for that.”
“Then what happens when you realize I can’t be saved? Were you just going to say goodbye and good luck?”
“I don’t really see it happening that way, but I thought I would still be your friend.”
He walked away from the window again, hiding his face from her as he spoke, “What if I can’t settle for that?”
“You keep asking me what I want…what do you want, Touya?”
He was quiet for a long moment before answering, “I want the touching, and you getting jealous when I’m with someone else. I want you blushing and giggling when I discover a new body part. I want everything that we have, but you will not accept. The only way I would risk the danger is if we were in a romantic relationship.”
“Can I pray about it and give you an answer later?”
Her words hadn’t been what he wanted to hear. He couldn’t deny they stung. But before he could respond to her question he heard his phone telling him there was another call trying to come through on the other line. “I think someone is trying to call me…I’ll call you back,” he hastily explained and hung up.
She was left staring at the phone as if it had bit her. Seeing that he wasn’t coming back to the window, she decided to go sit on the couch and fight the urge to cry.
***
He answered the call with hurt still evident in his voice, “Yeah…what?”
“Damn, boss, you ok?” Bethany asked with true concern, while standing in the middle of Touya’s apartment.
He took a deep breath before answering, “I’m fine. What do you need?” His voice was calm and controlled, and no longer held any hint of what he was feeling.
“I got the info you wanted from Jagger. He’s an interesting guy,” she laughed sarcastically. “I thought he was going to fuck me where I stood.”
“You’re lucky you told him you were mine. He comes on really strong if you are a human on your own.”
“Good God, you mean he gets worse? Damn, I don’t want to see that!”
“No, you don’t,” he confirmed.
“Well, I have an envelope of stuff for you here at your place. I’m also picking up the laundry for the week…any special instructions?”
“Yeah, a pair of my black leather pants got torn up last week, can you get me a new pair? I’ll also need you to get me some cash so I can buy some new shirts. I’ve wasted a few of those lately too.”
“Boss, just use your debit card.”
“I hate using that thing. I can’t remember to write the stupid shit down.”
“With your account…like it makes any difference, you’re not going to run out of money any time soon.”
“Bethany, how much am I paying you?” He was starting to sound a little frustrated.
“Hold up, boss…I know you pay me very well. Sorry, I’ll do it your way.”
“Thank you. Now is that all you wanted to talk about?”
“That’s it. I’ll get your cash and drop it off tomorrow at four. The envelope will be on your desk. I’m out,” she said ending the call on her end.
He smiled looking at the phone, “That’s what I like about you, Bethany; I don’t have to worry about all that etiquette crap. Short and sweet, and the call is over…no waiting for a goodbye.”
He sat down in the chair and wondered what he should do next. He knew where he wanted to be, but getting there was the problem. He slumped forward in the seat with his arms on the armrests. His head was down leaving his hair hanging like a black curtain around his face. He needed to call her back, but he wasn’t ready. He was actually worried that her answer would be a rejection, which he couldn’t face. So instead of calling, he sat there in the darkened room listening to the silence of both the apartment in which he sat and hers.
****
She had managed to sit there and not cry as she waited for the phone to ring, but it had taken a lot of self control to keep the tears from welling up in her eyes. The battle against crying did tell her what she needed to know; she already cared too much to deny him what he wanted. She knew she couldn’t just be friends no matter how hard she tried.
Something about the way the phone lay on the table in front of her seemed very cruel as she waited for it to ring. How could it just sit there and calmly keep her waiting? Suddenly it rang and she reached out for it, without checking the caller ID she began to speak, “Touya, you know you mean a lot to me…”
Her mother interrupted her, “Dear, it’s your mother. Who’s Touya?”
Maire’s hand flew over her mouth and she closed her eyes as tight as she could. ‘Oh, God! No, that did not just happen.’
When she received no response, her mother played her own guessing game. “Is he that young man that saved you last week? That sounds like the name Michael gave me. Sweetheart, are you alright? Why won’t you answer me?” Her voice was growing heavy with concern.
“Sorry, mom, I was expecting him to call me. Yes, you have the right person in mind,” Maire confirmed as she got up to get around to the open floor to pace.
“So he means a lot to you? Does this mean there is a romantic involvement that Michael didn’t mention?”
‘Oh no, what do I say? He’s listening, but even if all he hears is a bunch of yes and no’s; I’m toast if I say the wrong thing and he asks me about it later. Darn it!’ Maire’s mind raced.
“Dear, you’re being really quiet again.”
“Sorry, I was thinking about your question. It’s hard to answer, because we don’t know yet.” She took a deep breath and finished, “I guess you could say we just started dating.”
“Oh, how wonderful! I knew you would find someone eventually. When do I get to meet him?” She asked her voice finally cheerful.
“Slow down, mom. His life is very complicated. He keeps strange hours, and I don’t want to speed things up too much.”
She lost some of her enthusiasm, but was still in good spirits when she replied, “Oh well, I will just have to wait, I guess. At least, you are finally dating, so there’s hope for wedding bells someday.”
Maire rolled her eyes and shock her head. “Mom, not everyone needs to get married. I don’t see that happening.”
“Whatever you say, dear, I’ll let you have your way for now.”
“Fine.”
“Where you ever going to call me about what happened last Tuesday night? I’ve been worried sick.”
“I told Michael to tell you everything, because I don’t want to talk about it. I want to forget it happened and move on.”
“Sweetheart, you need to face it and get it over with. If you hold on to it, it will come back and haunt you sometime in the future. Now, did you talk to your psychiatrist about this?”
“Yes, mom, I talked to him in the hospital. And, no, I don’t need to talk about it. It was humiliating enough to go through it, let alone to talk about it over and over with people,” Maire explained holding her ground. She had a quick flashback of herself tied down on the bed with the man kneeling over her naked body. She stopped walking and put her hand over her eyes.
“All the doctors will tell you that talking with someone you trust…”
“I don’t care what the doctors say!” She snapped. “Mom, I don’t want to sound mean, but I don’t feel well all of a sudden and I need to go,” Maire explained as she started to shake and turn pale.
“If you’re feeling bad, I’ll let you go. I love you. Goodnight, Maire,” she said not seeming too upset with the sudden brush off.
“I love you too. Night, mom.”
She managed to get the phone back on the base and went to the kitchen for water. She could feel the panic rising and her back growing tighter. Again a vision of the man cutting into her flashed before her mind’s eye. She wavered and grabbed the bar, sitting the water down before she dropped it. She closed her eyes and called out in a shaky voice, “Touya, I need you! I can’t take this anymore.”
What felt like an eternity to her, actually took thirty seconds. She opened her eyes after hearing the sound of his coat being tossed over the corner of the couch. The relief was instant and she flew into his waiting arms. The moment those strong arms wrapped around her, she felt safe. She let the tears flow freely as she nuzzled against his chest.
“Let go of me for a second, baby,” he whispered against her hair.
She let go and backed up and he moved to take off his boots. Once off, he led her to the couch and said, “We’re going to lie down. You need to relax and that won’t happen with you standing up.” He got into a comfortable position and reached out for her, “Come to me, baby. Come rest.”
She grabbed some facial tissue before lying down and sat the box on the floor next to the couch. Then she climbed across his body to lie between him and the back of the couch. The upper part of her body was half draped across his chest and his arm was around her. His hand was gently massaging her back. His other hand was massaging her shoulder.
“Do you want to talk about it with me, or would it be better to just lay here and cry?” He asked her.
“I keep having flashbacks of being back in that room. I wonder if they will come for me again,” she told him through her tears.
“The man won’t…I killed him. I didn’t mean to, but when I saw you I couldn’t control myself. I must have hit him too hard.”
“Would you think less of me if I said I wasn’t sad that he’s dead?”
“No, I wouldn’t. I’m sad, though. I don’t like killing people.”
“I’m sad for you then, but not for him. I’ll ask God to help me to forgive him, though.”
“If that will help you, go for it.”
“It will. Forgiving him will help me move on.” She was quiet for a moment, and then added, “I feel so safe here with you. I wish I could always feel this way.”
“I wish you could always feel safe too.” She was slowly rubbing his stomach, which was starting to turn him on. To make her stop without clueing her into what she was doing, he took her hand in his and laid it on his chest. That’s when it occurred to him that his unusual body temperature might be uncomfortable for her. “I’m sorry that my body is cooler than yours. It had to feel like ice when I first came in, but should have warmed up a bit by now. You keep the apartment pretty warm,” he apologized.
“Umm…I don’t mind…it feels nice,” she mumbled on the edge of sleep.
He let her drift off as he lay there listening to her breathing and heartbeat. As the hours slipped by, he noticed that she slept soundly and without signs of having a nightmare. He was just about to doze off himself when he felt her stir.
“What time is it?” She asked propping herself up.
He reached into his pocket and fished out the iPhone. “It’s two thirty-six,” he told her.
“Wow, I must have been tired. I have to get up and work in the soup kitchen this morning, so I better get changed and get to bed,” she informed him as she got up from the couch.
“I guess it had to end sometime,” he smiled.
“You know, I was wondering… well, do you have to leave tonight?” she asked him shyly.
His eyes widened a bit and he asked, “Are you asking me to spend the night?”
“I’m not asking for sex. I was just hoping we could sleep…like we were just doing.”
“I don’t need to hunt tonight, so I guess I have nowhere else to be.”
“Great, just wait in here and I’ll let you in when I’m dressed,” she said as she walked into the bedroom and turned to close the door.
He moved over to stand before the door, listening to her moving about the room on the other side. Placing a hand on each side of the door frame, he leaned in to rest his head against the wood. He was trying not to think about what she was doing, or about the fact he was about to share a bed with her for the night.
At last she opened the door wearing an over sized tee shirt. It was powder blue with a small kitten chasing a butterfly on the front of it. She looked at him and was met with hungry eyes. She looked down before saying, “I forgot that I needed to do laundry today. I guess I was too into working on my costume.”
He took a step towards her and she backed up into the room. He slowly followed her like a cat stalking a mouse. She turned away from him and picked up her clock so she could set it.
“You have beautiful legs, Ma-chan,” he confessed as he fought not to touch her. He wanted to run his hands up and down her legs until she begged him to do other things.
“Thank you,” she responded with a whisper, hiding her face with her hair. “Could you turn out the light?”
He did as she requested, and she climbed into bed. With the lights out, he walked over to the side of the bed and looked down at her. Half of the bed was waiting for him with the covers turned down.
“Are you sure you trust me enough to share that bed with me? You can barely look at me.”
She gathered her strength and looked up at him, saying, “I trust you…I just wasn’t prepared for the look of lust on your face.”
“You have a very strong effect on me. It’s difficult to control at times.”
“Thank you for always being a gentleman,” she said reaching out to him. “Come to bed, Touya.”
He took her hand and kissed it before sliding into the covers next to her. He turned to face her and tucked his hand under his head, leaving his arm bent out in front of his face for her to lay her head on. They were close enough that their noses were touching. He was careful to keep his free hand on his own side; instead of touching her for fear that he might lose some of his self control.
Maire was rubbing his chest enjoying the feel of the material under her hands. “I love this sweater,” she admitted.
“Ah, I thought you might,” he sighed triumphantly.
“So you knew you were going to end up in my apartment tonight? Why did you make it so hard on me?” She asked somewhat annoyed.
“I hoped I would end up here. You didn’t originally answer the way I thought you would. I’m glad you chose what I wanted,” he explained.
“So I guess I have a boyfriend,” she giggled.
He reached down and slid his hand under her shirt and across her rear end to let his hand come to a rest in the middle of her bare back. He delighted at the small sound she made and the way her body pushed against his as he did it.
She was still feeling the affect of the shiver that had rushed through her body as his hand made its small journey. Fighting for the ability to talk, she said, “That was nice…but not fair!”
“Your hand on my chest is nice, so I thought I would return the favor.” He let his fingers work on her back as he kissed her forehead. He then moved to whisper into her ear, “I would give anything to kiss you right now.”
She was breathing a little heavier as he moved on to her neck. “What’s stopping you?” She asked her words full of breath.
He drew back to look at her. “I know if I do, I won’t stop. I can stop touching you if I have to, but if I let myself kiss you…,” he finished with his lips hovering just above hers.
“Touya, I can’t,” she pleaded, both wanting and not wanting to continue.
He settled back down and tried to let his excitement wane. He also removed his hand from under her shirt to place it around her waist. Out of respect of his efforts, she stopped rubbing his chest, but didn’t remove her hand from him totally. Instead, she left it pressed against his chest, so she could feel his heart beat.
“I hope I didn’t upset you,” she whispered.
“No, baby, you have every right to say no. Don’t ever feel like you can’t say no to me,” he informed her, his voice at its usual softness.
“Thank you. You don’t know what that means to me.”
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