FicWad

It was just another ordinary run-of-the-mill day with Panic at the Disco, minus the exclamation point. So, this was post AFYCSO, and in the middle of Ryan's paisley-inspired suit phase. They had just been invited by Peter Wenston III to come by and visit him at his mansion. Ryan was trying to decide between a tight-fitting jacket, and Brendon's day-old boxer shorts.
"Ryan, just put something on, we're gonna be late!" Jon was yelling at him from the bottom floor of Brendon's pad.
"Hold your horses, Jon! I must look better than Pete, or else it's just a waste of everyone's time!" Ryan called back. Brendon came out wearing what you would call skinny jeans, but what he called ball-crunchers, and sporting a very loose fitting t-shirt decorated with pink flowers. Spencer was already in the car waiting, having decided to ignore the whole 'clothing' thing and just show up in his spandex biking shorts. Jon wore a shirt, sweat pants, and his infamous 'mandels'. Ryan finally decided on both the jacket and day-old shorts. So, they were finally off.
Pulling up to the mansion, they were surprised to see a large aquarium of exotic fish on the front porch....though not really surprised....I mean, it's Pete Wentz we're talking about...nothing really surprises us about him anymore. Anyway, they walked up to the front porch, rang the large intricate doorbell, and were greetied by Hemingway, Pete's fat-ass bulldog.
"Ahhhhhh! A monster!!" Ryan screamed, jumping into Brendon's arms.
"I'll save you, baby!!!" Brendon said. Jon just rolled his eyes, and walked in.
"Yo!!" He called, looking around. "Anyone here?"
"Out back!" He heard Peter call. They walked through the large kitchen that was packed with food. "I'll have to sort through this later..." Spencer said to himself.
"Don't look at it all, baby!" Brendon said, shielding Ryan's eyes. "It'll only upset you." They found all of F.O.B. on a large deck overlooking a water-fountained pool. There was a camera crew as well.
"Come on, guys. We were just finishing an interview for The View." Pete said. "They sent someone over to ask us a few questions." There was a short, fat blonde girl, no older than ten asking the questions. "This is Panic at the Disco, little girl." Pete explained.
"Ah, yes, Panic at the Disco." The girl said, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. "Some sort of French Polynesian wine? Or perhaps the lesser-known term for the seventh ring encircling Saturn, hmm?"
"No, actually, we're a band." Spencer said. "I play drums, ba-da-dum!"
"He thinks he plays drums..." Andy Hurley said. "But, really, he's just a little chicken shit that I can beat the hell out of."
"You wanna go, Hurley?!" Spencer said. "Let's go!!" Andy got out of his chair, but was stopped by Joe Truman.
"C'mon." He said. "Why don't we all just light up a j. and relax?" He turned to the blonde girl. "You don't mind, do you sweet cheeks?"
"Mind?" She asked. "My mind is an impenetrable forcefield. If it's a battle of the wits you want, Mr. Trohman, then it's a battle of the wits you've got.....Shall we begin with the Industrial Revolution?"
"You are one freaky-ass little bitch." Patrick said.
"Tss tss tss." She laughed. "If I get outta this chair, I'm never getting back up..."
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!" Pete yelled.
"Well played, sir." The girl said, bowing and leaving with the film crew. Just then, another person came out the sliding glass door.
"Oh, now what?" Patrick said.
"It's those damn paparazzi again..." Pete said, quickly fixing his hair in his pocket mirror. But it wasn't paparazzi. It was a very nude William Beckett. He slowly looked at them, and dove into the pool. He did a few deliberate strokes down the length of the pool, and climbed out in slow motion, shaking off his hair.
"Now THAT'S what I'm talkin' about!!" Pete said.
"Ewwy!" Ryan said. "His winky looks like a neon slinky!"
"Hey, boys." Will said, walking over and rubbing his chest. "Petey, I want a smoothie."
"Right away, you filthy little whore." Pete said, following him inside.
"You know it!" Will said. Pete slapped his butt. "Whooo!!!" He cried.
"Sorry you had to witness that." Joe said. "Ever since The Academy Is... got back from touring, it's just been all day long with those two."
"I know exactly what you mean...." Jon said, rolling his eyes and looking at Brendon and Ryan.
"So, make yourselves at home, guys. I already have." Patrick said. "Oh, but don't touch the string cheese in the fridge...it's mine."
"Don't worry, big boy." Spencer said. "I've already got my own." He pulled out a canister of garlic & herb string cheese from his shorts.
"Yo, Smith!!" They heard Pete call from the balcony on the second floor. "What did I tell you about storing food products in your pants?!"
"Right you are, Mr. Wentz!" Spencer called back, saluting him.
"The boy's such a retarded fuck..." He said, turning back to his room.
"Well, lets go inside and get settled, shall we?" Patrick said. "There's like, twenty bedrooms in this house."
"Actually, there's only six." Andy said. "You're thinking of the bathrooms and closets....but, lets go."

A few hours later, Jon was walking around the house, searching for Pete. He walked into the kitchen, where he found Spencer sitting on the counter in his boxers, scarfing something down. Andy was tending to some things cooking in a skillet.
"This is pretty good, dude, but could you put some sausage in it? I need some meat." Spencer said.
"You don't really get the whole 'vegan' thing, do you?" Andy asked.
"Yeah? Well, you don't really get the whole 'keeping up a beat' thing, but your fans seem to forgive you." Spencer replied.
"Oh, you want a beat?" Andy said. "I got a beat, for you." He then began to bang on pots and pans with his ladles. Spencer jumped off the counter, and grabbed two sauce spoons, and started banging on things. Jon just moved on, not bothering to get in the middle of the ongoing Spencer/Andy feud.
He walked around, opening random doors, still not sure where everything was. He opened a door on the second floor.
"Whoa! Sorry, Patrick!" He said. He had opened the door to the bathroom where Pat was sitting on the terlet, eating from a can of baked beans.
"Dude, that better not be my can of Busch's Baked Beans!" Spencer said, coming up behind Jon. "And it smells like you've been eating my rice pilaf!!"
"These are my baked beans!!" He yelled, spitting them everywhere. Jon pulled Spencer out, and closed the door.
"Well, that was enlightening...." He said. They continued looking for Pete. They opened another door, (this time knocking first), and heard someone say "Come in." A waft of smoke came billowing out as they went in. The room was cloudy, and took their eyes a few seconds to adjust.
"Joe? Is that you?" Jon asked.
"Yeah, bro." Joe said. "Just in time for the par-tay!" He was sitting in a circle with about four other people. They were all passing around a bong.
"Uh......what's up, Joe?" Jon asked. "This looks like a rip-roaring good time, but we're actually looking for Pete..."
"Suit yourself, bitches." Joe said. "Yo, before I forget...what are you guys gonna wear for Halloween, cuz I was thinkin' of wearing this skimpy little nurses outfit, and-"
"Goodbye, Joe." Jon said, closing the door. He then re-opened it, and pulled Spencer out. "Okay, this is getting redonkulous. Where the hell is Wentz?"
"I dunno." Spencer said. "But lets go order some pizza and watch reruns of The Real World." They heard giggling coming from the other room.
"If that's not Pete, I'm gonna shoot someone." Jon said, opening the door. What he saw made his jaw drop, eyes widen, and left him speechless. Pete and Will were in the room. (No need to go into any details, but suffice it to say it involved a curtain rod, a pink tutu, and a bicycle helmet...) Spencer looked in, nodded his approval and simply said, "Nice."
"Hey, take a picture, Walker. It lasts longer." Will said, twirling around.
"Watup, Walker?" Pete asked.
"Uh......I don't..........um..." Jon stuttered, trying to avert his eyes. "It can wait till you're done with......whatever!" He pulled the door shut and quickly walked down the hall. They met back up with Andy in the kitchen, busy cooking a vegan stuffed cabbage.
"Hey, wanna try?" He asked, ladling some out.
"No one wants your nasty ass borscht!!" Spencer yelled.
"I will rip out your eyebrow, Smith!" Andy threatened, taking out tongs, and clicking them at Spencer.
"Will you two give it a rest?" Jon said. "Fuck!!"
"Whats up with Walker?" Andy asked.
"Oh, we just walked in on Pete and Willy doin' some weird-ass shit in their room." Spence said, rifling through the fridge.
"Oh, is that all?" Andy asked. "It's kinda shocking the first time, I guess." He continued stirring his cabbage.
"Okay, I really need to talk to Pete." Jon said. "He needs to light a fire under Ryan's ass, because he just refuses to write any new songs." Andy just shrugged. Just then Brendon and Ryan came in, Ryan complaining in his whiny voice.
"But I dont wanna go back to the cabin, I hate it! I wanna stay at Pete's house."
"You can stay at my house, baby." Brendon said.
"No, you're moron parents don't like it when we smooch." He complained.
"Babe, for the last time, it's not moron, it's Mormon, with an 'm'." Brendon said. Ryan rolled his eyes.
"Hey, Rye." They heard Pete call. He came in, lit a cigarette, and leaned against the doorpost. "You wanna stay in my crib for a few more days? You know my price..."
"HE'S NOT GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU, WENTZ!!!!!" Brendon screeched. "Cradle-robber!"
"Oh, please." Pete said. "I already have my own personal boy-toy at my 'Beck'-and-call. No, what I want from you, Ross, is lyrics."
"Yes, thank you!!" Jon said. He ran over, knelt down and started kissing Pete's hands. "Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!"
"Alright." Pete said, pulling away. "No need to get gross, Walker. I know that I'm a sexy son-of-a-bitch, but try to control yourself."
Just then, Patrick walked in, wearing his signature hat, glasses, and absolutely nothing else. He looked around. "Hey, dudes." He said. "Yo, Pete, I'm gonna go for a quick dip in the pool. I ordered some Indian food, so just send the delivery boy out back when it gets here. Oh, and I was having a snack of M&M's before, and one rolled into Hemingway's dog house. Don't worry, I got the M&M, but I may have broken the house....in more ways than one. Also, there's a good chance Hemingway may've been in there."
"Pat, that's like, the third time this month!" Pete said. "The pet shop is gonna start wondering why I keep ordering more bulldogs."
"Well, what did you want me to do, not get the M&M? It was the last one!" Pat said.
"Whatever." Pete said. "Just try to be more careful." Patrick gave Pete the thumbs up, and walked outside.
"Anyway......Ryan if you don't write lyrics, I'm gonna do it for you." Pete said.
"But your lyrics are poopy in my ears!" Ryan said. "They don't capture the unordinariness of my thoughts in my headmind."
"I'm gonna poke you in the eye." Pete said. "Start working." And with that, he left.
"You heard the boss-ma, Ryan." Jon said, beaming. "Start working!"
"Fine!!" Ryan said. "But me and Bren are staying at your house!"
"Yay, sleepover!!!" Brendon squealed. "Spencey, you come, too!!"
"Well, last time I went home, my sisters cut up all my underwear. Little do they know, I don't wear underwear. But, I guess I can come stay at your place, Jonny boy."
"Yippy! It'll be just like in the cabin!" Ryan said. Let's go!" Bren, Rye, and Spence ran to get in the car, leaving Jon standing in the middle of the kitchen. He ran after Pete, yelling, "Wait, I changed my mind! I want to stay with you, Pete...."