FicWad

Please Please Forgive Me
But I Won't Be Home Again
Maybe Someday You'll Have Woke Up
And, Barely Conscious You'll Say To No One
Isn't Something Missing?

I stood next to the bed, gazing down mournfully at my love, hair splaying out ebony black against the harsh white of the pillow that his head rested on. Emerald green eyes darted lazily behind closed lids, perfect lips curling into a tiny dream filled smile. His pale skin seemed to glow out from the dark blue of the sheet. My dark angel. I pulled my lip ring into my mouth, suckling on it as though I was nervous. I knelt down carefully on the bed, stroking his cheek softly and my already love swollen heart pulsed again as he leant into my touch. I leant down, placing a tender kiss upon his soft, kissable lips and a tear slipped down my cheek, a lump rising in my throat as I tried not to cry.

He wasn't mine anymore...

Dark, thick eyelashes fluttered, caressing his cheekbones as he moaned lightly, turning away from me in his sleep. Turning to her, his arm wrapped around the woman that was now his wife. My heart sank. He truly was happy with her. They'd just got married. Gerard sighed contentedly, snuggling his pale face into her hair and pulling her close and I chewed on my lip. How did he expect me to be okay with this after the way we were? After the way he was with me...

I turned my back on the couple, heart gradually breaking into a thousand pieces the further I walked away. More tears slipped down my cheeks as I took one last glance back at the pale beauty that once loved me and who I loved with all my now shattered heart. I tore my gaze from the couple and left the room, grabbing my jacket and, taking a deep breath, switched off the light of the hall, plunging the room into darkness before silently leaving the house for the final time.

You Won't Cry For My Absence, I Know
You Forgot Me Long Ago
Am I That Unimportant?
Am I So Insignificant?
Isn't Something Missing?
Isn't Someone Missing Me?

I walked down one cold ally after another and soon I'd lost count of the number of streets I'd trudged along. An icy wind ruffled my lank lifeless hair and tears crept slowly down my cheeks, evaporating into the dark night sky. I sighed, letting my mind wander back to my time in the sun.

"Gerard no!" I squealed as he leapt at me with tickling fingers attacking my sides as he walked me back. I was soon subdued on the couch; Gerard kneeling above me giggling as he slowly stopped his attack. I creased up a little, letting out those last few giggles that hadn't quite escaped before he stopped. I gazed up at him lovingly as his hands pulled me close, holding me tight in his arms, my face buried in his pale neck. His thick black hair swooshed around me, clouding my vision pleasantly and I heard him sigh contently. Brushing my lips against the faintly chilled skin of his jaw line I ran my hands over his stomach up to his chest, smiling secretively as I realized he was bare from the waist up. I bit down gently over his pulse and he collapsed against me, moaning softly in my ear.
"Jeez...not on the couch baby..." he whispered breathily, his mind suddenly working overtime to comprehend simple sentences. I giggled again. I loved the effect I had on him. We lay intimately close, Gerard's chest pressed flush against my own, breathing deep of each others scent. It was perfect. Things were perfect. I lifted my hips a little, angling so they just brushed against the ever growing bulge in the front of Gerard's jeans, hitching both his breath and my own. His head fell forwards, forehead against mine and his hair fell across to mingle with my fringe.
"Then if not on the couch...then where?" I asked, running one hand down to his hip to pull him close to me again, the other kneading the back of his neck as I licked a slow trail from his collar bone, along his jaw to his ear, stopping long enough to moan softly then lick and suck my way back down. He swallowed, trying to gather his thoughts together then nodded a little.
"Upstairs...Go...Upstairs baby...Please,"
I moaned my approval in his ear once again and let him lift me to my feet and lead me up the stairs to what would be my impending ecstasy...

Tears slid down my cheeks like a small waterfall, endlessly falling as I stumbled down the sidewalk to a nearby store, memories flooding back to me thick and fast.

"I love you," I'd whispered in the dark as we lay there after the best birthday ever. Gerard held me close to him, resting his head against the top of mine, my own head balanced gently atop his chest, his breathing still a little erratic after our last escapade, his heart beating twice as fast as it should, the thin film of sweat still glistening on our bodies as we lay bare in the afterglow.
He'd smiled into my hair, "I love you too baby...for ever and always."
Sighing happily, I nuzzled his chest and entwined myself still closer around him, pulling the silken sheet around us to form a little cocoon of raw emotions, love and us...

Just us. No one else needed to know. It was always going to be just us...and we'd be happy together...if it weren't for her...

Even Though I'd Be Sacrificed
You Won't Try For Me Not Now
Though I'd Die To Know You Love Me
I'm All Alone
Isn't Someone Missing Me?

I walked into the store, heading straight for the Liquor section. A man-the shopkeeper I think-stopped me in my tracks, a thick fingered hand clapping down on my shoulder. I sighed and turned around, reaching for my wallet. He was going to ask for my ID i could tell. He had that 'I dont think you're old enough for liquor' look on his face. All shopkeepers do when they see a person of small stature walking towards a shelf full of Beer. Hey give 'em a break. I'm 4ft 9 and i'm walking round in kid sized clothes.
"I'm going to have to see some ID son. If you have any."
I sighed. Yep. There was the question. I got out my wallet and handed him my ID card.
"I'm not a son dude. I'm 29 years old." I explained boredly as the man inspected my card, then me, then the card again.
"Jeez you're a...a bit on the small side aren't you?"
Rolling my eyes I took my card back from him, inserting it back into it's slot in my wallet and placing my wallet back in my pocket, walking away from him and back to grabbing as much beer as i could hold-which was a damn lot after all the weight training Ive done.
"I'm a midget. Get over it." I snapped bitterly. I hated being small.
The man said nothing and served me. I paid for the beer and walked out silently, sighing as Gerard's voice floated into the back of my head.
"You could have been a little nicer to him. He didn't know any better."
I sighed and headed for the park, cracking open a can of beer while I walked.

I'd stopped feeling the cold about an hour ago. I sat against a tree, beer cans littered the icy ground around me, all of them empty. My head lolled onto my chest as tears continued to fall thick and fast down my cheeks. why was I so stupid? As if Gerard could ever love me...someone like me...when he had her. Perfect little Lyn Z. How could I measure up to that? She could give him everything I couldnt. Hope. Security. A real family...she was pregnant...having his baby. I know I shouldn't be jealous but I couldn't help it. He had the perfect life now...the only thing that kept getting in the way was me. I couldn't let go of old times. He'd even stopped flirting on stage now. Thinks it'd be best if we had 'a clean break'. How can we have a clean break when I live with him? How can I keep away from him when we all live together under one roof? How can he ignore my tiny glances and my reactions when he brushes past me on the stairs. We had so much...and then she came along and tore his heart from me...shattering mine as she did so. Why did she have to flirt with him so much? Why couldn't she have just left us alone? Why wasn't I good enough for him? He told me he'd always love me. What changed? Did I?
I sighed, downing the last of my beer and throwing it to the hard ground next to me.
Stupid fucker. Could never hold down a relationship. All I ever seem to do is fuck things up. I messed up with my dad. I messed up with my mom. I've never been good enough. Not good enough as a Catholic. Not good enough to be treated as a son or a friend. Too much of a freak to be accepted in school.
Then Gerard came along and showed me that it was okay to be a freak and that he was just as bad...we were in love...we had everything and then he left me. I wasn't good enough for him either. I was better off away from him. Away from everyone.
I was better off dead.

Please Please Forgive Me
But I won't Be Home Again
I Know What You Do To Yourself
I Breath Deep And Cry Out
Isn't Something Missing?
Isn't Someone Missing Me?

Wandering round the park gardens I lost myself in my memories again. Gerard on my birthday last year, smiling face, grinning and laughing, his sparkling green eyes twinkling with joy. The look on his face when he first saw her. The memory of him ending us burned brightly in my mind...

He sat me down solomnly. He'd been on edge for about a week. Furrowing his brow he tried to think of what to say.
"Baby...I...I don't know how to put this..."
I gulped almost audibly. Something was wrong. I'd know it as soon as he turned those tear filled eyes towards me. He took my hands shakily, kissing each of my tattooed knuckles then rested my hands back on my knees. I pulled my legs up so my head rested on my knees, hugging myself close. I knew what was coming.
"I...I'm sorry...Baby...I'm sorry...But...I love her...and we wouldn't have worked anyway...and this is my chance...my shot for a real family...I know you said we were going to adopt...but I want my own child. With her. I'm sorry."
A lump rose to my throat and tears prickled at the backs of my eyes. The bottom of my stomach plummeted to my feet and heart stopped. I don't know how long I stopped breathing or thinking. I just froze.
"Baby?" He asked. I looked up at him tearfully.
"Don't call me that...please."
He nodded, "of course...better if we just...have a clean break hmm?"
I nodded silently until he slowly got up, kissed me gently on the cheek and left the room.
Tears stung my eyes as they cascaded down my cheek almost violently with the ferosity of my strangled sobs and I curled into a ball on the bed. My heart ached for someone. for Gerard. But I couldn't have him anymore. He was gone to me. Our love was dead as an ancient graveyard.
I heard them outside so I pulled myself to my knees and crawled over to the window. They stood happily in each others arms, a warming love embrace, each trapped in a fiery kiss, all tongues and teeth.
We'd kissed like that many times before...I knew exactly how his lips would work at hers, how his tongue would be hungrily exploring her mouth like he'd been starved of attention for years, how he'd sometimes nip and suck across her bottom lip...I knew it all...and it every little piece of knowledge ran through me like a sword. I lay on the bed we'd once shared in a pit of my own jelousy and sobbed until my heart ached, my tear ducts ran dry and my throat burned...

And If I Bleed, I'll Bleed
Knowing You Don't Care
And If I Sleep Just A Dream Of You
And Wake Without You There
Isn't Something Missing?
Isn't Someone Missing Me?

The jagged shard of glass twinkled tantalisingly sharp in the moonlight. This one shining bit of glass could end my suffering...and Gerards. He'd be so much happier. I pressed that glittering shard to my wrist, pressing down and leaving an indent in my pale skin. I pushed harder, sliding the glass along my wrist until blood seeped through my pierced skin. It contrasted my skin perfectly. Red on white. Tiny runnels of blood trickled down my arm as I watched, running the glass along my skin again to bring forth more bright red liquid. Now he wouldn't have me hanging around him, always trying to rekindle what we'd once had. What we could never have again.
Damn that woman! Why did she have to turn up now? why did she have to steal him from me when I was so deeply in love that it's killing me to stop.
Killing me...
I looked down at my arm and bit my lip. I'd not been concentrating while my memories floated around my head brokenly. His name glared out at me, carved from a series of large swollen slashes up my forearm. Blood poured thickly from each wound, each like a tiny waterfall. My useless blood. My unloved blood. Unworthy of his love or anyone elses. I looked down at my other forearm, so bare and drained of colour. Blood pulsed as though wanting to escape. I helped it, slashing unceremoniously, trying to carve away every bit of skin that still yearned for his touch; draining myself of the very blood that still craves his love. My wrists, arms, my chest beneath its thin layer of shirt and finally my throat.
Crimson love spurted from the thin gash against my jugular, not quite deep enough to kill instantly. I deserved to suffer after what I put him through.
I couldn't let him go. He knows I still love him and he's growing more and more distant with me. He doesn't want to know and I can't accept that. I deserve my pain and suffering for that.
I raised myself to my feet. I couldnt let them find me like this. I had to find somewhere to put myself...somewhere where they wouldnt find me.
A small lake appeared in my view as I stumbled through the trees. Gray clouded my vision, small black dots dancing before my eyes and my head span. I didn't have much time left. I had to act fast.
I glanced at the lake and sighed. Lake it is then. I stumbled up to the waters edge and caught sight of my reflection.
My eyes were sunken with overtiredness, black shadows hanging low on my cheeks. The rest of my face was white as a sheet, my black hair clinging to my forehead, soaked with blood and sweat. blood red decorated my forehead, cheeks and nose like an old superhero mask, splattered across my chin and lips.
I stood. Maybe Gerard would understand how I felt. I didn't want to go...I didn't want to die. He'd understand right? white and black clouded my vision, making it impossible to see. My legs turned to jelly. Wasn't I by the lake?
My heart plumetted and my head tipped forwards, slipping in and out of conciousness. I couldn't pass out here. Not with the water so close. A gray haze settled over my vision and I stumbled to my knees-only there was no ground to fall on. The moment seemed to last forever as I fell in a cool, clear arch, my body limp from blood loss. My head pounded as loud as my heartbeat as icy water lapped quickly over my blood soaked skin. I scrambled, trying to get to the surface. The water was freezing and a dull murky greenish blue. The moonlight faded to a smaller and smaller haze as I sank deeper. My heart slowed, my lungs screaming for air as my hands beat uselessly beside me. I kicked with my legs, strength evading me. My own blood peeled off me like dried paint. I needed to breath. Reflexivly, I opened my mouth, exhaling and inhaling convulsivly, my lungs filling instantly with water. Images of Gerard flicked before my eyes, laughing, smiling and finally his tears, weeping as I yelled in my defense that I didn't love him anymore. It was that moment that I realised he still loved me. But I couldn't give him the one thing he wanted. A family.
It was too late now. It was over. I was going to die. My eyes fluttered finally to a close and i gave myself over to the icy cold fingers of the lake, washing over me and claiming its prize as I fell deeper and deeper...

Even Though I'd Be Sacrificed
You Wont Try For Me Not Now
Though I'd Die To Know You Love Me
I'm All Alone
Isn't Someone Missing Me?

Gerard laughed joyfully, batting Mikey's arm and sending him to his knees.
"Gerard! I gotta look after the food!" He squealed, jumping back up, a picnic basket tucked under one arm. Mikey had convinced Gerard to go on a family picnic just him and his little brother. It was a little overcast but that just meant Gerard could wear his favourite leather jacket. He ruffled his own hair, spiking it up at the top a little. He grinned, at his brother, laughing a little as Mikey stumbled over his own feet. Gerard shook his head as Mikey grabbed the basket, held it close and ran on ahead. He laughed and followed his younger brother, giggling as leaves slapped at his arms and brushed his neck as he jogged, black leather flying behind him like a cape.
He bumped into his brother.
"Hey...Why'd you stop Mikes?"
Mikeys face paled, hand raising to point at the lake that they were to sit by. Gerard looked up and gasped.
"N...no...NO!" He ran towards the lake side and leapt in, casting off his jacket and diving towards the tiny, limp form near the centre of the freezing water.
"Gerard!" Mikey screamed as he fell below the water, only to appear in a large splash and an audible gasp near the body. Gerard grabbed it round the waist and dragged it to shore. He collapsed on the lake side and flipped the lifeless body of Frankie over, long fringe clinging to his face, mouth open to reveal tiny dribbles of dried blood. He examined the huge water cleaned gashes that decorated Franks chest, arms and throat. Tears splashed down from Gerards face.
"Oh god...Jesus...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry baby."
Mikey clasped his hands over his mouth as he realised who Gerard was holding.
"Gerard...shit...I mean...Why did he?"
Gerard traced a cool finger over his name, carved on Franks wrist, "Gerard..." He whispered to himself, "He...He did it because...Because he loved me...And I was...With Lyn Z...Shit...I should've known he was upset...The way he looked at me...Caught my eye. Silently showing me how much he fucking loved me and I ignored him," Tears continued to fall thick and fast, dripping onto Franks face and neck. His clothes clung to him, covered in blood. Not even the water could remove that much from his clothes. It leaked onto Gerards white shirt, watered down and pink against the white. Gerard held onto Franks thin frail body, noticing just how little he'd eaten by the way his clothes were so loose and how tired he was by the almost black rings around his eyes. His water washed palid skin glittered with tiny beads of pink liquid, eyelashes clung together, eyes forever closed. His shirt hung loose and open and a few letters shone out red through his inked flesh. Gerard hurriedly tore at the shirt, revealing the whole message with a sob as he grazed his hand over the shaky letters.
'I loved you'
Tears streamed down Gerards cheeks as he brushed his hair from his face, his fringe sticking up in all different directions. He pulled Frank close, laid a kiss on each of his eyelids and one on his ice cold lips. A fresh wave of tears returning as he tucked his lover up in his arms and rocked him, cuddling him close in the deserted clearing, Mikeys hand resting gently on Gerards back.
"I love you too baby...My Frankie...Oh god I love you so much..."
He whispered the words into Franks now deaf ears over and over. Frank couldn't reply but he heard, gazing down lovingly, his heart swelling from his place by Gods side...
"My Gerard..." he whispered.