FicWad

Based from the song: Running Away - Midnight Hour. I don't want anyone to feel like this etc. Don't take any of this 'information' or whatever. And I don't take credit for all of it. The whole 'If you eat again' etc I didn't write. A person I know did. Rather bad. Enjoy if possible.

Breathe Mikey, breathe I told myself. Gripping the ends of my hair as giant sized tears poured down my cheeks. I bury my head into a pillow on my bed. I need to get away from this. It’s killing me. Lying is one of the things I’ve became used to. I want to tell someone, I want to scream in their faces that I can’t take this anymore, than I just want it all to end. I want the suicidal thoughts to disappear, I want the depression to fade. I want the anger and hatred for myself to die down so maybe I can love myself again. I want to eat like a normal kid again. But I can’t.
Even if I want to, when I try, my stomach twists and turns because it can hardly accept the food anymore. I shouldn’t eat. No one likes the nerdy fat boy. No one. Who would want to date or talk to him? Ana is a lifestyle, not a mental illness. We should embrace it, not disagree with it. That’s what my head is saying, but I know somewhere I don’t want to think like that anymore. I abuse myself sometimes just to stop thinking, just to feel something again. No one understands it. I’m not looking for attention, I just want to be normal again. Being fat isn’t normal. It’s disgusting. Who do I want to understand me more? You people or the illnesses?

If you want to be thin, you have to have control.
You have to control your life from the inside out.
So do it. You can do it. You will do it.
Anorexia is a way of life.

If you eat again, you can never have her.
If you eat, you will stay fat.
If you eat, no one will remember you as the cool thin guy.
If you eat, the string around your waist will get too tight.
If you eat, no girl would ever want you.
If you eat, everything will look horrid on you.
If you eat, you will always look like a fucking whale.
If you eat, you will be using up your environment resources.
If you eat, you can never dance.
If you eat, you will have to spend more money buying more food.
If you eat, you will be ugly forever.

True isn’t it? But I don’t want to think like that anymore. But it’s so fucking true!
I lift up my The Hulk glass and throw it against my wall, causing it to smash into little tiny pieces. Nerd. Everyone called me. No one was in my house, no one would hear.
I won’t lie to myself anymore, saying that it will be okay. I need to walk away from this. Before it shreds me into little tiny portions. I lie to people, my friends, saying I’d never know how people starve themselves, how stupid it is, when I’m the one doing it. Fucking hypocrite I am. And how stupid and cowardly suicide is when I’ve even tried it. I’m sick and I know it.
I don’t want to be like this forever. I won’t let the depression take over my life, it’s happened before but I’ve controlled it. This time I just can’t cope.
I lay on my bed, heavy breathing, inhale, exhale. That’s the only thing keeping me alive, breathing. Such an annoying thing really, having to do it twenty-four seven isn’t it?

I look at my arms and my stomach, the burn marks, the scars, the rips. All there to remind me how I lost control. I laugh, knowing that I was such a coward taking it out on myself. Sometimes I desire to kill. To see the last flicker of life in ones eyes. Pleasurable maybe. Though I don’t think I could actually do it. Sometimes my anger takes over me and I want to hurt myself, I want to starve myself, tell myself I’m worthless, hated, ugly. I don’t know why. I don’t know. I never know. I’m to scared to look at the future, though even more sickened to look back on the past. But the present is too ugly.
Crying is a sign of weakness, sometimes I want to stop, others I don’t. I’m a coward. Masochistic; that’s what I am.

I’m leaving this behind me. I need control over all this.
What is the definition of control?

handle and cause to function
control (others or oneself) or influence skilfully, usually to one's advantage
control or power over
lessen the intensity of; temper; hold in restraint; hold or keep within limits.

I believe many people will have different meanings to different things, as there is.
But to control your mind, I don’t really think you can.

I’m leaving today, and I’ll never let you find me.
I always thought I’ll die by pushing myself to far, suicide. I hate it but it slips into my mind so easily. No. I don’t want to die. I know what it feels like to have death so near. It is scary, no matter how much you want it.
But I will leave this behind.

I'm leaving you behind with the past. No, I won't look back. And I don't want to hear your reasons. Don't want to hear you tell me why I should stay.

You can learn to leave the past behind you and to forget about it, only if you really want too. Then it will disappear, don’t let yourself slip back into it.

And faster than you can follow me from this lonely place. And farther than you can find me, I'm leaving.
The anorexia, the depression, the suicidal thoughts will never find me again.

Because I’m running away, leaving this place.
Sometimes running away is the best thing to do, it is not always cowardly.

And try, and try to understand me
And try to understand what I say when I say I can't stay
I, I'm moving on from this place
I'm leaving and I won't quit running away.

I'm running away.
I'm leaving this place.
Yeah, I'm running away.
I'm running away.