FicWad

The Hardest Word To Say

How come one of the most frequently used words in the English language is so hard to say. Those two simple letters form such a simple word. Even after 11 years it was no easier. No. I could never say no to you. After everything you did to me. After everything you said. After all the pain you put me through. Mentally. Those words you pounded into my head. Years of my life being told I was nothing. I still couldn’t say no. The physical pain. The beatings. The rape. I still couldn’t say no. Crying to myself each night, too scared to fall asleep. Lying in bed in fear of you. The thought of you coming to get me was enough to keep me awake. I still couldn’t say no. You holding that knife to my throat. Thinking about what would happen if you slipped. I still couldn’t say no. Getting in the car with you after a night of drinking. I could smell the whisky from across the room. I still couldn’t say no. Pretending everything was ok all the time. Telling people that I was ok when I knew it wasn’t. I still couldn’t say no. Trying to keep my little brother away from you. I thought you were a monster. I still couldn’t say no. Watching from the stairs as the police spoke to my mum about how you told them you were about to commit suicide. Then finding the letter addressed to me. I still couldn’t say no. When I saw you the next day. You didn’t hang yourself, but you did get drunk again. I was watching you slowly kill yourself. I still couldn’t say no. Seeing you and mum fight. Seeing mum cry after each argument while you went back to the whiskey bottle. I still couldn’t say no. Finding the paperwork with the debts you had. Seeing the bailiffs’ letters going to school hoping I would have a house to come back to. I still couldn’t say no. I found out about the fraud. All the money that you took off Nan and left her alone with no food or water. I still couldn’t say no.

But now I can look back on what happened. I don’t want to believe that what happened was real. I want to wake up from a horrible nightmare and see you standing there with loving, open arms. The real kind of love a parent should feel for their child. I want to be 6 six again and for you to read me a story not throw the books at me. I want to be seven again and for you to teach me to stay away from knives, not press them to me throat and arms. I want to be eight again and for you to help me with homework not tear it up in front of me and tell me how useless I am. I want to be nine again and see my parents happy and together not fighting and distant. I want to be ten again and look back at baby photo’s with you not live in fear of you ever coming near me. I want to relive my childhood the way things should have been. The way things could have been where we were a family and everybody was happy. Buts thats not how it happened and nothing can change that. Every little thing you did to me in the past has made me the person i am today. So I will say it. No.

I'm now standing up for myself. I’m telling you how I felt for those long, terrifying years of my life. I am a stronger better person than you will ever be. I don’t need you. I never have done and never will. Those words you put in my head are being erased. They are being left in the past where they belong. The mask that has hidden the real you is coming off and now everyone can see who you really are. How pathetic you are. So no I will not be your perfect son. No i dont trust you. No i dont love you. And yes I am worth something. Mabey not to you but somebody in this world cares. Somebody loves me for who i am not who they think i should be. My last words to you. Fuck off and leave me alone. It’s too late dad. You’ve made your choice.
Frankie.


Now I know
That I cant make you stay
But wheres your heart?
But wheres your heart?
But wheres your...

And I know
Theres nothing I can say
To change that part
To change that part
To change...

So many
Bright lights, they cast a shadow
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A life thats so demanding
I get so weak
A love thats so demanding
I can't speak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, Ill be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

Can you see
My eyes are shining bright
'Cause I'm out here
On the other side
Of a jet black hotel mirror
And Im so weak
Is it hard understanding
Im incomplete
A love that's so demanding
I get weak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, Ill be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

These bright lights have always blinded me
These bright lights have always blinded me
I say

'Cause I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone

AN: Please rate and reveiw XD. It really does help xxx