Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > DAYS WEEKS MONTHS
4. It went 'BUMP' in the Night
i burnt my arm on my lava lamp trying to make the moth go away
?Blocked
4. IT WENT ‘BUMP’ IN THE NIGHT
“Wait… so let me get this straight, you told him you had a son, and he didn’t take off running for the hills?” Pete asked me through the phone.
I nodded, but then I realized that he couldn’t see me nodding.
“Yeah I know! But believe me, no one was more surprised than me at how he reacted I mean—“I rested my mug on the coffee table then sat on the couch, “—he asked when he could meet him.”
The TV was off, Oliver was in bed, I was on the phone staring out the window wishing that I could be in central LA rather than look to it.
“I always found him very ‘no strings attached’ a son is like being chained to a rock with an incoming tide!”
“I know!” I exclaimed. “It took him all of four minutes before he was smiling and on the road again.”
He breathed heavily down the phone, “did he ask anything about Ollie’s—”
“No, only if I was with someone.”
“And you said?”
“Single mother.”
“pft! Hardly.”
I smiled to myself, “well… technically.”
He laughed, I listened to him laughing and I smiled. Things had worked out surprisingly well compared to whatever I had hoped for. When Pete next spoke, I could tell he was smiling.
“Technically… you are a single mom. But Ollie had two parents right? So you’re just single to me, not a single mom.” His tones changed and the smiles faltered, “But tell me, does it feel that way?”
“Honestly?” I paused, “honestly Pete, I wouldn’t know.”
He sighed and I sighed too. We did need to talk. Four years ago Pete told me that he would like Ollie to know who Daddy was; he said as soon as Ollie knew what it was not to have a father he couldn’t live without being one to him.
“Do you blame me?” he asked quietly, “do you blame me for the whole situation and for being a selfish guy. Do you blame me for anything or everything?”
And he wants you to answer that truthfully.
How the hell would I? I didn’t know the answer myself so how would I explain it to someone else?”
I concentrated on every word, speaking slowly.
“Sometimes… when I think about it… when I think about everything that has happened… I just fell numb and full of…confusion. All that I really and truly know, Pete, is that I love Oliver. I wouldn’t trade my son for anything, not even the world.”
There was a long silence.
I wondered what he was thinking. If he was thinking anything or if he too was numb. I couldn’t answer that question. Not with a straight ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
“Really?” he asked hoarsely after almost five minutes of silence.
I took a moment.
“really.” I finally answered.
Suddenly there was a detached sound on the other end; a door opening and then a voice.
Pete answered the muffled voice “I won’t be long, just go back to bed.” His voice was soft and wary.
I could remember the last time he had used that voice on me. I didn’t like the way it made me feel, like I was un-trusted, like I was being tested. Unsure of where either of us stands, but wanting to be gentle; the voice of a decision maker, in the process of deciding between two worlds, the decision effectively changing lives forever.
For the better?
Who knows? That’s why the voice was always unsure. Whatever was to come was still unknown, so far, the decision Pete made concerning my life has worked out well
“Hey Trix?” his voice broke my chain of thought.
“Still here.”
“Great. I wanted to ask you, how is the film school fund of yours going?”
Even the best of us have to start somewhere to achieve our dreams.
“Uhh… Yeah, it’s ah… getting there?”
“Whatever.”
“What did she want?” I changed the subject abruptly, I was sick of having to refuse money from Pete.
It was bad enough that I’d be living on the street without him anyway.
“To talk.” He said it as if it were nothing. Our child was going to have the worst communication when he got older; he had a hermit for a mum and a recovering commitment phobic for a father, Poor Ollie.
“Why didn’t you?!” I sat up quickly almost knocking my half cold coffee from the table.
“Because I’m talking to you!”
“But she’s your wife! Pete, I hate it when you two fight, its so much nicer to see you both smile.”
That got him.
“She can wait” he snapped, “I want to know how your savings are going.”
I heaved a great breath. If Pete was going to blow Ashlee off for me, it would make me feel like an asshole.
“If I tell you exactly how much I have saved, you have to promise me that you will go and talk to your wife.” I bargained.
“Exactly how much you have saved?”
“Right to the bottom cent.”
“Ok, shoot.”
“a hundred and forty-five dollars and eighty cents.”
A long silence……
“Trixi—”
“Good night Pete” I hung up the phone and threw it down onto the seat next to me, I let my face fall into my hands. I thought life was complicated when I was fourteen! This was insane!
I got up from the couch and took my coffee to the kitchen sink. I tipped it into the hand basin and watched the last strains of it slowly fall away into the plughole.
A hundred and forty-five dollars was all I had saved up after nearly five years.
I knew that tomorrow Pete would be offering to help me pay for the film school tuition and I would refuse him… again.
I needed four thousand dollars by June, which was the next intake. That gave me four months.
I was also saving for a bigger apartment that I would be able to afford on my own.
Ollie started school at the end of July which was when the next semester started. He turned five the day before. Ollie’s birthday was the 27th of July which was also my Dad’s birthday.
I brushed my teeth in the bathroom with my mind on film school.
It has been my dream forever.
When I first moved over I could remember Pete asking me what I wanted to do with myself, feeling like I could tell him anything, I confessed my childish wish of movie director.
“Stick with me Trixibelle,” he had answered “I live my dreams everyday.”
I smiled a the memory, That awkward car ride back to his house, sleeping in the pool hut, christened ‘love shack’ by a one Gabe Saporta, for a few weeks and then getting my apartment and job at the café.
I didn’t believe Pete to start with, when he said that he wanted me and my baby in his life. I thought that he had only said that as a way of protecting himself by trying to make me believe that I shouldn’t go to the public and ruin him though the thought had never crossed my mind and multiple times I promised over my life that I would never do that.
I crawled into bed and pulled the blankets up to my chin, but I didn’t try and sleep. My mind was buzzing.
I thought about Oliver.
When he grew up and eventually found out, he would hate me. And he might even hate Pete which would have made my whole life over here to be close to Pete completely pointless.
It was amazing how much Ollie and Bronx liked each other. I knew that there was no reason why they shouldn’t but when we first introduced the boys, Bronx immediately wanted to take Ollie to play in the sandpit with him.
Ollie was only about three months old!
My mind drifted to William, he knew about Ollie and he didn’t run away screaming. In fact, he invited us both out to spend Tuesday with him.
I cringed at the thought of Ollie not liking William. He took fine to Patrick when he first met him, but then again, Patrick was a very likeable person, everyone thought that.
I fantasized in my head what a life with William would be like. He would accept and love Ollie because he wanted to, not because he felt threatened, obliged, pressured or possibly blackmailed in anyway.
Did Pete think that I would have blackmailed him if he didn’t accept me three months pregnant with his child?
Did he feel like he had to love Ollie?
Did Pete regret ever writing back to me when I sent that tear stained letter to his parents address?
I hoped not. One day I would somehow repay him. I would never do what I did to my family. I would let Pete have his son with him for as long as he liked…
My eyelids fluttered closed and I drifted into a weak sleep. I was half dreaming that Ollie had grown up to be like William and when he sang, he sounded just like Patrick; his voice ringing through my head.
Literally, his voice started ringing like a telephone.
I woke up.
The clock next to my bed said that it was 1.49am.
I crawled out of bed groggily and tried to run for the phone before it woke Ollie.
I saw the red LED light flashing with the rings from where I had left it on the couch, I dived for it, still half asleep.
I pressed ‘talk’ and started walking back to my bed.
“Hello?” I answered annoyed.
On the other end of the line there was loud music which was being toned down quickly. If this was Gabe I was seriously going to hurt him. It was times like these that I wish I had caller ID.
“Did I wake you?” Petes voice was thick.
I lost any trace of the annoyance that I had felt for my late night caller.
“Are you OK?” was my first answer.
Was it Ash?
Was it Bronx?
Was he hurt?
“Yeah, I’m fine. Would you mind if I slept on your couch tonight?” he sounded desperate.
“Pete, of course you can, any time you like.” My voice was soft and tender. I wish that he hadn’t even asked, it was a given for Pete if he ever needed me I was there with a snap.
“OK thanks. I’ll be there within the hour. Go back to sleep Trix.” He hung up.
I sat on the corner of my bed confused.
Obviously talking with Ashlee didn’t prove to work out so well.
I put the phone next to my bed incase he called again and I crawled under the blankets again.
I stared at my clock. The little red colon between the 1 and the 54 flashed at me until I drifted off to sleep again.
I almost didn’t even hear him open the front door an hour later.
I almost didn’t hear him tiptoe and whisper a lullaby to Ollie that Patrick had written a few years ago.
I almost didn’t hear him when he tried (failing miserably) to find the couch in the dark. I called his name quietly.
“Pete”
I saw the dark silhouette of his head pop around me door frame.
I sat up kind of.
“Aww come give me a hug honey.”
He didn’t say anything, he just crawled over the covers of my bed and I cradled him in my arms like I do to Ollie when he is sick.
He had his eyes closed as tight as they could go and he held my hands where they crossed over his chest.
For the first time in my life I felt like Pete needed me. I felt like I was looking after him and it felt good.
He sighed quietly and his eyes relaxed a bit.
He was completely exhausted and he fell asleep. His low even breathing calmed me and so did his warm sweet breath on my face.
I pulled the duvet around him and kissed him lightly on the forehead.
He curled up like a defensive child towards me, and that’s where I fell asleep as well.
*
Honey is for bees silly bear
Besides there’s jelly beans, everywhere
It’s not what it seems in the land of dreams,
Don’t worry your head just
Go to sleep
It doesn’t matter how you feel
Life is just a Ferris wheel
It’s always up and down
Don’t make a sound
When you wake up the world will come around
When you wake up the world will come around
It’s just the sweet weather and the peacock feathers
In the morning it will all be better
It’s not what it seems in the land of dreams
Don’t worry your head just go to sleep
When you wake up the world will come around
When you wake up the world will come around
Honey is for bees silly bear
Besides there’s jelly beans everywhere
It’s not what it seems I the land of dreams
Don’t worry your head
Go to sleep…
That was the sound tracking to a very strange Alice in wonderland dream. All three of us skipping down a yellow brick road, Pete catching flying muffins for dinner and Ollie playing a banjo, it finished with William in a corner crying out “I beat Ollie at Jigsaw, I beat Ollie at jigsaw!”
I woke up me an instant. The weird dream had me lost in my own room and I couldn’t see anything. It was like any sense of direction or placement had been flipped over and twisted in a taffy puller. I waved my hand in front of my face.
Nothing
I couldn’t even see the time on my clock. I tried to untangle myself from the sheet that was constricted up my left leg. I tossed and turned in a panic. That was when I felt the face.
I opened my mouth and screamed loud enough to wake mummies form their tombs.
Pete clapped his hand over my mouth and pushed me back down.
”’Trixi sshsshshh it’s only me. Don’t freak out. It’s me.” I shut up. Pete had one hand behind my head and the other over my mouth.
I relaxed.
“No more screaming?”
I shook my head.
“Good, now go back to sleep, it was lucky you didn’t wake the sleeping log in the other room.” He took his hand from my mouth and pulled me into his embrace. Then he yanked the duvet over us both and we snuggled down and went to sleep once again.
“Wait… so let me get this straight, you told him you had a son, and he didn’t take off running for the hills?” Pete asked me through the phone.
I nodded, but then I realized that he couldn’t see me nodding.
“Yeah I know! But believe me, no one was more surprised than me at how he reacted I mean—“I rested my mug on the coffee table then sat on the couch, “—he asked when he could meet him.”
The TV was off, Oliver was in bed, I was on the phone staring out the window wishing that I could be in central LA rather than look to it.
“I always found him very ‘no strings attached’ a son is like being chained to a rock with an incoming tide!”
“I know!” I exclaimed. “It took him all of four minutes before he was smiling and on the road again.”
He breathed heavily down the phone, “did he ask anything about Ollie’s—”
“No, only if I was with someone.”
“And you said?”
“Single mother.”
“pft! Hardly.”
I smiled to myself, “well… technically.”
He laughed, I listened to him laughing and I smiled. Things had worked out surprisingly well compared to whatever I had hoped for. When Pete next spoke, I could tell he was smiling.
“Technically… you are a single mom. But Ollie had two parents right? So you’re just single to me, not a single mom.” His tones changed and the smiles faltered, “But tell me, does it feel that way?”
“Honestly?” I paused, “honestly Pete, I wouldn’t know.”
He sighed and I sighed too. We did need to talk. Four years ago Pete told me that he would like Ollie to know who Daddy was; he said as soon as Ollie knew what it was not to have a father he couldn’t live without being one to him.
“Do you blame me?” he asked quietly, “do you blame me for the whole situation and for being a selfish guy. Do you blame me for anything or everything?”
And he wants you to answer that truthfully.
How the hell would I? I didn’t know the answer myself so how would I explain it to someone else?”
I concentrated on every word, speaking slowly.
“Sometimes… when I think about it… when I think about everything that has happened… I just fell numb and full of…confusion. All that I really and truly know, Pete, is that I love Oliver. I wouldn’t trade my son for anything, not even the world.”
There was a long silence.
I wondered what he was thinking. If he was thinking anything or if he too was numb. I couldn’t answer that question. Not with a straight ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
“Really?” he asked hoarsely after almost five minutes of silence.
I took a moment.
“really.” I finally answered.
Suddenly there was a detached sound on the other end; a door opening and then a voice.
Pete answered the muffled voice “I won’t be long, just go back to bed.” His voice was soft and wary.
I could remember the last time he had used that voice on me. I didn’t like the way it made me feel, like I was un-trusted, like I was being tested. Unsure of where either of us stands, but wanting to be gentle; the voice of a decision maker, in the process of deciding between two worlds, the decision effectively changing lives forever.
For the better?
Who knows? That’s why the voice was always unsure. Whatever was to come was still unknown, so far, the decision Pete made concerning my life has worked out well
“Hey Trix?” his voice broke my chain of thought.
“Still here.”
“Great. I wanted to ask you, how is the film school fund of yours going?”
Even the best of us have to start somewhere to achieve our dreams.
“Uhh… Yeah, it’s ah… getting there?”
“Whatever.”
“What did she want?” I changed the subject abruptly, I was sick of having to refuse money from Pete.
It was bad enough that I’d be living on the street without him anyway.
“To talk.” He said it as if it were nothing. Our child was going to have the worst communication when he got older; he had a hermit for a mum and a recovering commitment phobic for a father, Poor Ollie.
“Why didn’t you?!” I sat up quickly almost knocking my half cold coffee from the table.
“Because I’m talking to you!”
“But she’s your wife! Pete, I hate it when you two fight, its so much nicer to see you both smile.”
That got him.
“She can wait” he snapped, “I want to know how your savings are going.”
I heaved a great breath. If Pete was going to blow Ashlee off for me, it would make me feel like an asshole.
“If I tell you exactly how much I have saved, you have to promise me that you will go and talk to your wife.” I bargained.
“Exactly how much you have saved?”
“Right to the bottom cent.”
“Ok, shoot.”
“a hundred and forty-five dollars and eighty cents.”
A long silence……
“Trixi—”
“Good night Pete” I hung up the phone and threw it down onto the seat next to me, I let my face fall into my hands. I thought life was complicated when I was fourteen! This was insane!
I got up from the couch and took my coffee to the kitchen sink. I tipped it into the hand basin and watched the last strains of it slowly fall away into the plughole.
A hundred and forty-five dollars was all I had saved up after nearly five years.
I knew that tomorrow Pete would be offering to help me pay for the film school tuition and I would refuse him… again.
I needed four thousand dollars by June, which was the next intake. That gave me four months.
I was also saving for a bigger apartment that I would be able to afford on my own.
Ollie started school at the end of July which was when the next semester started. He turned five the day before. Ollie’s birthday was the 27th of July which was also my Dad’s birthday.
I brushed my teeth in the bathroom with my mind on film school.
It has been my dream forever.
When I first moved over I could remember Pete asking me what I wanted to do with myself, feeling like I could tell him anything, I confessed my childish wish of movie director.
“Stick with me Trixibelle,” he had answered “I live my dreams everyday.”
I smiled a the memory, That awkward car ride back to his house, sleeping in the pool hut, christened ‘love shack’ by a one Gabe Saporta, for a few weeks and then getting my apartment and job at the café.
I didn’t believe Pete to start with, when he said that he wanted me and my baby in his life. I thought that he had only said that as a way of protecting himself by trying to make me believe that I shouldn’t go to the public and ruin him though the thought had never crossed my mind and multiple times I promised over my life that I would never do that.
I crawled into bed and pulled the blankets up to my chin, but I didn’t try and sleep. My mind was buzzing.
I thought about Oliver.
When he grew up and eventually found out, he would hate me. And he might even hate Pete which would have made my whole life over here to be close to Pete completely pointless.
It was amazing how much Ollie and Bronx liked each other. I knew that there was no reason why they shouldn’t but when we first introduced the boys, Bronx immediately wanted to take Ollie to play in the sandpit with him.
Ollie was only about three months old!
My mind drifted to William, he knew about Ollie and he didn’t run away screaming. In fact, he invited us both out to spend Tuesday with him.
I cringed at the thought of Ollie not liking William. He took fine to Patrick when he first met him, but then again, Patrick was a very likeable person, everyone thought that.
I fantasized in my head what a life with William would be like. He would accept and love Ollie because he wanted to, not because he felt threatened, obliged, pressured or possibly blackmailed in anyway.
Did Pete think that I would have blackmailed him if he didn’t accept me three months pregnant with his child?
Did he feel like he had to love Ollie?
Did Pete regret ever writing back to me when I sent that tear stained letter to his parents address?
I hoped not. One day I would somehow repay him. I would never do what I did to my family. I would let Pete have his son with him for as long as he liked…
My eyelids fluttered closed and I drifted into a weak sleep. I was half dreaming that Ollie had grown up to be like William and when he sang, he sounded just like Patrick; his voice ringing through my head.
Literally, his voice started ringing like a telephone.
I woke up.
The clock next to my bed said that it was 1.49am.
I crawled out of bed groggily and tried to run for the phone before it woke Ollie.
I saw the red LED light flashing with the rings from where I had left it on the couch, I dived for it, still half asleep.
I pressed ‘talk’ and started walking back to my bed.
“Hello?” I answered annoyed.
On the other end of the line there was loud music which was being toned down quickly. If this was Gabe I was seriously going to hurt him. It was times like these that I wish I had caller ID.
“Did I wake you?” Petes voice was thick.
I lost any trace of the annoyance that I had felt for my late night caller.
“Are you OK?” was my first answer.
Was it Ash?
Was it Bronx?
Was he hurt?
“Yeah, I’m fine. Would you mind if I slept on your couch tonight?” he sounded desperate.
“Pete, of course you can, any time you like.” My voice was soft and tender. I wish that he hadn’t even asked, it was a given for Pete if he ever needed me I was there with a snap.
“OK thanks. I’ll be there within the hour. Go back to sleep Trix.” He hung up.
I sat on the corner of my bed confused.
Obviously talking with Ashlee didn’t prove to work out so well.
I put the phone next to my bed incase he called again and I crawled under the blankets again.
I stared at my clock. The little red colon between the 1 and the 54 flashed at me until I drifted off to sleep again.
I almost didn’t even hear him open the front door an hour later.
I almost didn’t hear him tiptoe and whisper a lullaby to Ollie that Patrick had written a few years ago.
I almost didn’t hear him when he tried (failing miserably) to find the couch in the dark. I called his name quietly.
“Pete”
I saw the dark silhouette of his head pop around me door frame.
I sat up kind of.
“Aww come give me a hug honey.”
He didn’t say anything, he just crawled over the covers of my bed and I cradled him in my arms like I do to Ollie when he is sick.
He had his eyes closed as tight as they could go and he held my hands where they crossed over his chest.
For the first time in my life I felt like Pete needed me. I felt like I was looking after him and it felt good.
He sighed quietly and his eyes relaxed a bit.
He was completely exhausted and he fell asleep. His low even breathing calmed me and so did his warm sweet breath on my face.
I pulled the duvet around him and kissed him lightly on the forehead.
He curled up like a defensive child towards me, and that’s where I fell asleep as well.
*
Honey is for bees silly bear
Besides there’s jelly beans, everywhere
It’s not what it seems in the land of dreams,
Don’t worry your head just
Go to sleep
It doesn’t matter how you feel
Life is just a Ferris wheel
It’s always up and down
Don’t make a sound
When you wake up the world will come around
When you wake up the world will come around
It’s just the sweet weather and the peacock feathers
In the morning it will all be better
It’s not what it seems in the land of dreams
Don’t worry your head just go to sleep
When you wake up the world will come around
When you wake up the world will come around
Honey is for bees silly bear
Besides there’s jelly beans everywhere
It’s not what it seems I the land of dreams
Don’t worry your head
Go to sleep…
That was the sound tracking to a very strange Alice in wonderland dream. All three of us skipping down a yellow brick road, Pete catching flying muffins for dinner and Ollie playing a banjo, it finished with William in a corner crying out “I beat Ollie at Jigsaw, I beat Ollie at jigsaw!”
I woke up me an instant. The weird dream had me lost in my own room and I couldn’t see anything. It was like any sense of direction or placement had been flipped over and twisted in a taffy puller. I waved my hand in front of my face.
Nothing
I couldn’t even see the time on my clock. I tried to untangle myself from the sheet that was constricted up my left leg. I tossed and turned in a panic. That was when I felt the face.
I opened my mouth and screamed loud enough to wake mummies form their tombs.
Pete clapped his hand over my mouth and pushed me back down.
”’Trixi sshsshshh it’s only me. Don’t freak out. It’s me.” I shut up. Pete had one hand behind my head and the other over my mouth.
I relaxed.
“No more screaming?”
I shook my head.
“Good, now go back to sleep, it was lucky you didn’t wake the sleeping log in the other room.” He took his hand from my mouth and pulled me into his embrace. Then he yanked the duvet over us both and we snuggled down and went to sleep once again.
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