Categories > Original > Fantasy
Losing My Mind Instead of the Fear
0 reviewsA story about the meaning I find in my song "I Lost My Fear of Falling" which can also be read on here. R&R
0Unrated
Extra warnings: Mention of self-harm, coarse language
Losing My Mind Instead of the Fear
Bree groaned softly and opened her eyes slowly, looking at her surroundings sleepily, frowning when she didn’t recognize where she was. She looked around to realize that she was in a forest of black trees that seemed to be covered in a strange liquid. She slowly stood and approached one of the trees, reaching out and touching the liquid before she whimpered and her head swam. She pulled her fingers away and looked down at them in the source of light that seemed to be following her. It was blood... Her blood. She had no idea how she knew this, she supposed it was simply instinctual.
She span around to look in the opposite direction where she saw more of her blood spattering the trees, the ground, everything. Bree bit her lip before she tried to run but the more she ran the more of her blood seemed to appear around her and she grew light headed. Eventually she stopped when she came to a clearing. In the centre of the clearing was a large puddle of her blood.
Bree slowly approached it, peering down at it before she heard a voice whisper to her “You cannot win, give up, give in...” Bree groaned, clenching her eyes as she fell to her knees, clutching her stomach as she began to feel sick and more light-headed. She began to cry as the pain in her stomach grew worse and the pain moved up her body to her head and arms. She lay down on the cold ground before it began to rain.
She was soon soaked through to the bone, crying and in agony as she wished for someone to pull her from this nightmare. At least, that’s what she hoped it was...
What seemed like hours later, Bree felt someone touch her shoulder gently. She slowly opened her eyes and looked up to see a young boy maybe two or three years older than she was kneeling beside her, watching her worriedly.
“He’s trapped you here too?” The boy asked quietly.
“Huh?” Bree whispered, turning onto her back slowly, her vision blurring slightly before she took a deep breath.
“... You don’t know where you are?” The boy questioned, frowning in confusion.
“N-No...” Bree answered. “Do you know where we are?”
He stood and backed away. “I can’t... I can’t t-tell you...” He turned and ran off without another word but his face remained in Bree’s memory long after he left.
Bree woke with a scream. She was panting heavily and could feel sweat covering her forehead and back. She looked around frantically before she realized she was in her bunk in the tour bus. She felt someone grasp her hand and she cried hopelessly, trying to pull away before a burning pain tore through her arms and the memories came flooding back as someone gently cupped her face, trying to sooth her.
“Bree, come on, calm down. We’re right here... We need to you take some deep breaths for us...” They pleaded but Bree paid the pleas no heed as she continued to cry and struggle.
“There’s no point, she’s too scared.” A new voice stated blatantly. The pleas stopped and the hands moved away, allowing Bree a chance to relax. The voices moved away for a while until Bree could only hear the quiet breathing of someone sitting beside her bunk. Eventually, she looked to her side to see a strange face watching her ... analysing her.
“Who are you?” Bree rasped; her throat dry from the panting and screaming.
“You don’t remember me Bree?” He asked quietly, leaning toward her slightly.
“Should I?”
He nodded slowly. “I’m Dr. Jacob Bryar, I was a friend of Robert’s in the 1980s; I worked at the DSH base as a psychologist.” He paused. “Do you remember Robert bringing you to meet me then?”
“N-No...” Bree whispered. “What do you want?”
“Do you remember what happened tonight, Bree?” He asked quietly, seriously.
“I remember playing the show and then coming back here...” Bree murmured.
“Anything else?”
Bree shook her head, feeling as if there was something else that accompanied these memories but she couldn’t think what it was. She was too tired.
Jacob glanced towards her arms before he looked back at Bree. “We need to know why Bree.”
“I don’t know why.” Bree whimpered.
“You have to know why Bree... Don’t worry about being degraded for it or anything like that, only you and I are going to know about this.”
“You’re lying.” Bree whispered darkly before she looked away, closing her eyes. “You always lied.”
“Bree...”
“No! Get away from me!” Bree snarled, trying to push herself away from him but the pain in her arms was too great. She could tell he hesitated before he stood and left but no one came back to sit with her which she was thankful for. She lay there, feeling tears well in her eyes as her emotions and pain – both physical and mental – overtook her and she soon found herself crying desperately, shaking uncontrollably as she grew cold.
“Hey B... Can I get you anything?” Someone asked quietly, gently reaching out and touching her shoulder. Bree flinched before she looked up at Frank, her lip quivering before she virtually leapt into his arms, hugging him tightly despite the pain. Frank pulled her arms away before he carefully lay down in the bunk with her, putting his arms around her as she cried.
“It’s okay Bree... Everything’s going to be fine...” Frank whispered as he gently placed his hand over her stomach, knowing it soothed her.
“N-No it isn’t...” Bree whispered shakily. “I f-fell apart... It isn’t true...”
“What isn’t true?”
“I haven’t lost my fear of falling.” Bree gasped as she tried to keep herself from hyperventilating.
Frank held her tighter. “B that doesn’t mean it’s not true.” He whispered reassuringly. “You’re getting there, you really are...”
“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore Frankie... I don’t want to do this anymore...”
“Don’t talk like that, that’s not true.” Frank lifted her chin up so he could look into her eyes. “You haven’t lost your fear of falling but you haven’t fallen yet... Not completely.”
“But what’s going to stop me when I do fall?” Bree whimpered.
Frank looked deep into her eyes, his own expressing determination and an adoration Bree had never seen in him before.
“I’ll stop you from falling... Always and forever.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” Frank answered surely before someone appeared outside Bree’s bunk. It was Jerrard and Levi stood beside him, the two kneeling beside the bunk so they could see Bree, both of them smiling slightly at the sight that met their eyes.
“Feeling any better?” Jerrard asked quietly.
“Kind of...” Bree whispered, smiling ever-so-slightly.
“Try and get some more sleep... Do you think you’ll be able to play the show tomorrow night?” Levi murmured.
Bree shrugged slightly. “I don’t remember what happened... I can’t tell you.”
“I’ll sort it, Lee.” Frank supplied.
“Okay... If you need anything just give me a yell and I’ll sort it out for you.” He offered before he stood and left, heading to the front of the bus where Bree supposed the others were congregating.
“I might go too, need some fresh air.” Jerrard whispered. He smiled reassuringly at Bree and Frank before he left too. Frank looked back to Bree after Jerrard had left before he pulled the curtain across the bunk, hiding them from the others in the bus.
“Are you going to tell me what happened?” Bree asked quietly, seeming shy and in Frank’s eyes, absolutely terrified out of her mind.
“If you want to know what happened.” Frank reasoned. “I won’t tell you if you don’t want to know despite my knowing it would be better for you to know what happened.”
Bree bit her lip before she nodded slowly. “I want to know... I’m sure I want to know.” She whispered, looking up at Frank.
“Okay... What’s the last thing you remember? I’ll start where your memory leaves off.”
“Uh... The last thing I remember would be ... coming back to the bus after the show.”
“Okay... Well, we came back and you seemed kind of ... out of it. Jerrard and I decided it would be best to let you deal with whatever was bothering you by yourself unless you came to us so we let you but then when Jerrard went to get you when Levi came by to talk about tomorrow night’s show you were unconscious in your bunk and bleeding so Levi called Dr. Bryar who we knew was living in Adelaide and he came out but he couldn’t help...”
“So what have you done?” Bree asked quietly, worrying.
“We’ve bound your arms as tight as we could without cutting off the circulation completely and Levi’s offered to take you to a hospital or something tomorrow if you want to or Owen will do it in the morning.” Frank answered. “Apart from us finding you unconscious and binding your arms not much has happened until you woke up just before.”
“O-Okay... Um... Lee said he’d take me to the hospital tomorrow if I needed to?” She questioned, her voice shaking slightly.
“He’d probably take you tonight if you really wanted.” Frank replied. “It is fairly late though so I wouldn’t suggest it considering we’ve got a late show tomorrow night.”
“I think... I think I’ll get him to take me now... So I don’t get blood anywhere before the morning.” Bree whispered.
“Okay... I’ll go tell Levi to get his car.” Frank pulled his arms away and pushed the curtain back again. “Do you want me to come?”
“Um... No, you stay and get some sleep. I’ll be fine with Levi.” Bree murmured. Frank nodded and smiled softly before he stood and left to find Levi. Bree tried to sit up but her arms were stiff and partially numb. When Levi came to get her, he carefully helped her out of her bunk, watching her warily as she steadied herself before they headed out of the bus and out to Levi’s car.
Levi opened the door for Bree, helping her in before he closed her door and walked around to the driver’s side door. He sat in his seat, watching Bree sadly before he did up his seatbelt and started the car, heading towards the women’s and children’s hospital.
“Damn... I should have gotten you something to eat...” Levi muttered as they drove.
“Doesn’t matter... I probably couldn’t stomach it anyway...” Bree murmured.
“Don’t say that... You’ll be fine.”
“We don’t know that... And now you’re taking me to a hospital where I mightn’t walk away with you.” Bree countered, her paranoid fears of being found out sneaking into her mind as she began to fidget.
“You chose to come...” Levi reasoned. “And I’ve got a cover story anyway. If they ask about it which they definitely will, we just need to remember to tell them that we live a couple of hours away and you fell out of a tree while at having a sleepover with friends in a tree house in the background.”
“And how are you related to me?”
“... Older brother, parents are out of town.”
“And we didn’t go to a hospital closer because..?”
“It’s the middle of the night, they aren’t going to ask why we didn’t go somewhere else.” Levi laughed. “It’s good to see you thinking though, you were out for a while.”
Bree smiled slightly before she looked down at her arms which were resting in her lap. “Does Robert know?”
“We didn’t know if you’d want us to let him know so we didn’t call him... I can if you want though.” Levi answered.
“We’ll see how this goes first.” Bree murmured as they pulled into the car park at the hospital. “Do I need to fake anything?”
“Nah, it’ll be fine. We’ll just say that we staunched the blood pretty quickly.” Levi answered before they got out of the car and headed towards the paediatric emergency room, taking advantage of the fact that Bree was physically seventeen years old. She had been for decades and decades.
The emergency department was relatively quiet which Bree found somewhat reassuring as Levi walked her up to the front desk, the receptionist looking up at them somewhat tiredly.
“My sister fell out of a tree and hurt her arms.” Levi explained, putting an arm around Bree’s shoulder as she looked to the receptionist sheepishly.
The receptionist stood. “Okay, come with me and we’ll get you fixed up dear.” She murmured, leading them to a procedure room where she asked Bree to sit down before she left to find a doctor.
“That was easy...” Bree murmured.
“She’s tired.” Levi noted, shrugging.
When the door opened again, a doctor with brown hair and pale skin. Bree narrowed her eyes slightly, observing him sceptically.
He looked to Bree and smiled slightly. “Hi, I’m Dr. Stephens... Bree McEwan right?”
“Uh... Yeah... How did you get my name?” Bree asked, confused.
“Member of the DSH, worked with Robert Mason a couple of years ago on a case that spanned between South Australia and Victoria.” He explained, flashing a grin at them. “Fell out of a tree was the best excuse you could come up with?”
“We only had five minutes to figure it out.” Levi said defensively.
“What are you doing in Adelaide?” Dr. Stephens asked as he opened a supply cupboard, digging around for something.
“Playing with the Elemental Mayhem concert series and on a tour of my own with my band.” Bree answered. “How did you know it was an excuse?”
“Robert warned me.” He answered quietly. “I know you’re pissed off at him but he’s just looking out for you.”
“When did he warn you?” Levi asked, frowning slightly as Bree sat there staring into space.
“Couple of weeks ago. Said I’d either have you as a casualty or to get a new prescription for antidepressants.” Dr. Stephens looked to Bree seriously. “And I honestly have half a mind to have you committed to the psych ward.”
“I’m not that bad... I can deal with it.” Bree murmured, looking away.
“To be honest with you Bree, that’s what they all say and most of them come back worse off than last time.” Dr. Stephens said seriously as he began unbandaging one of her arms.
“I’m getting better though... The pills are helping most of the time.”
“Only most of the time?”
“I just got a little overwhelmed at the show tonight.” Bree admitted before she closed her eyes as the bloody bandage fell away. She winced as the air made the wounds sting.
“You’ve got some very nasty scars here, Bree... Do you mind if I put some stuff on them so they fade easier?”
“Don’t... I don’t care that they’re there. I think it’s helping me quit.”
“And how long have you been going with this method?”
“A week and a half.” Bree whispered. “Can you just stitch these so I can go back and relax before the show tomorrow?”
“Bree I don’t think you should be playing a show after you’ve done this unless you’re intending to spend most of tomorrow feeding.”
“Then I’ll do that. I’m not going to miss a show.”
Dr. Stephens sighed. “You always were stubborn.” He whispered before he did something to her arm that made it sting unpleasantly. “If I give you a couple of bags of blood will you drink them tomorrow before the show?”
“Only if you figure out why the pills aren’t working.” Bree tried to bargain.
“I can’t do that in one night, Bree.” He countered before he went to say something else, hesitating as he thought about it. “Although... What element do you control?”
Bree froze. “Um... I control uh...” Bree looked to Levi for help who immediately jumped in with a story that could have been rehearsed a thousand times for all Dr. Stephens knew.
“She doesn’t. I thought Robert would have told you that. Bree’s never been able to control an element, we don’t know why.” Levi explained, winking at Bree.
Dr. Stephens nodded before he looked back to Bree. “I’ll give you a prescription for more antidepressants but for a few days I want you to see how you go without taking them. How long are you in Adelaide for?”
“Uh, we head for Perth next Friday night.” Levi answered.
“Okay, I want you to stop taking your meds for now and come back to me office next Thursday or Friday before you leave and we’ll see how you’ve been.” Dr. Stephens murmured as he dressed Bree’s arm before moving on to tend Bree’s other arm, wincing when he saw the condition of her other arm. Bree looked down worriedly before she suddenly felt sick at the sight of the blood and jagged wound. Levi stood and pulled her back before he took her hand reassuringly.
“This might take a while...” Dr. Stephens muttered under his breath before he looked to Levi. “How long between you found her and she did it?”
“Uh, we got back to the bus at about eleven and we found her at about half past twelve.” Levi answered. “Why?”
“You aren’t doing anything tomorrow morning are you?” He asked casually, his tone lightening dramatically.
“Why?”
“I don’t think she should be going anywhere if she was bleeding freely for an hour and a half and if you’re in Adelaide why did it take you two hours to get her here?”
“I can’t stay here!” Bree snarled.
“That still doesn’t answer my question.” He countered, looking to Levi firmly.
“We found her and she was unconscious, we couldn’t exactly take her out of the venue unconscious and covered in blood! It’d set a bad example!”
“Leaving her to have the wounds get infected doesn’t help her either!”
“Shut up!” Bree yelled before she looked to Dr. Stephens. “Fix my arm, give me some bags of blood and let me go home.”
Dr. Stephens blinked at her before he nodded slowly and continued to tend her arm. They sat in silence as he worked until he stood and left to fetch the bags of blood. When he came back he was also carrying a plastic bag.
“The blood’s in the bag and so are some more meds for you.” He said quietly. “Please look after yourself Bree.”
Bree grabbed the bag as she stood, glaring at him. “I don’t need you to care about me.” She whispered venomously before she and Levi stalked out.
The drive back to the venue was silent as Bree thought over what had happened. About halfway home, she turned to Levi purposefully.
“I should say something tomorrow night... Before we play I Lost My Fear of Falling, I should say something.”
“And what would you say?” Levi asked quietly, glancing at her briefly as he drove.
Bree paused to think. “This song is for everyone who feels they can relate to it. For me personally ... it’s what I hope to be able to say when I finally finish climbing this mountain in my life because the view is always worth it.”
Levi smiled. “If that’s really what you want to do, I won’t stop you.”
“Thanks Lee.” Bree murmured before they fell into silence again.
Bree had had a terrible night’s sleep even though she’d slept in as late as she could. She’d managed to stay awake during sound check and was now struggling to figure out what to wear for the show. She had decided it would be best to wear something that wouldn’t make her sweat too much so that the dressings would come off but she was beginning to realize she’d have no choice unless she took the dressings off.
She stood in her dressing room and bit her lip as she looked at her stack of clothes before she looked to her reflection in the mirror to her left. The dressings on her arms were what caught her eye and she sighed, closing her eyes before she looked back at her pile of clothes and picking out her bright red skinny leg jeans and a white t-shirt that said quite plainly on the front “from backstage 2 the Dr.”. The only thing obscure about the shirt to everyone else was that the “back” was an arrow pointing to the left when you looked at it.
She sighed again before she pulled off the shirt she was wearing and traded it for the shirt in her hands. She shivered slightly before she put on her jeans and then shoved on her black Converse sneakers before she headed to the Greenroom where she’d told the others she’d meet them. It was just a Jagged Backstreet Outcast Fraternity concert tonight so the venue was quiet which Bree didn’t really mind. It would be loud soon anyway.
She didn’t think anything would be louder than the gasps of her band mates when she walked into the Greenroom though.
“Oh my God Bree... Are you serious?” Jerrard asked, standing and approaching her.
“I want to do this, Jay, let me.” Bree answered truthfully before she looked to Frank and Owen who were watching her in amazement. “It’ll be fine.”
“Do you know how damaging this could be to the band though? What the media in the Moroi and mortal world will say?” Jerrard countered. “We’ll be ruined after two weeks on the road.”
“There’s no guarantee of that. It’ll be fine; I can explain it or something.” Bree looked to Owen who usually knew all the concert information. “Is it a mortal or Moroi show tonight?”
“Moroi and mortal, they’re testing to see if we can hold mixed species shows.” Owen answered as he twirled one of his drumsticks between his fingers.
“Then I’ll say at some stage, a couple of songs in, that I’m bloody ashamed of it and give them a pep talk.” Bree reasoned. “I can do this, I promise.”
Jerrard sighed softly, nodding. “Alright but if you screw this up I swear to God...”
“Bree, who’s that guy from that band you like?” Frank asked quietly from where he now stood beside Mikey.
“Gerard with a G?” Bree asked.
“Yeah, him... Doesn’t he have like, a massive list of quotes and shit that are about depression and suicide and stuff like that?”
“Yeah...”
“Why don’t you pick one of them and say that at the start before we play I Lost My Fear of Falling?”
“So we play that at the start?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay... Only problem is that I don’t know any of his quotes off by heart. Most of the ones about suicide and depression are fairly long...”
“What about this one: I feel like there are so many people out there who have kids in the palm of their hand, listening but there are so few people saying something.” Owen asked from where he sat with his laptop now on his knees.
“I think I should have another one to back it up.” Bree murmured. “One that addresses it more plainly.”
“You could always add to it.” Frank suggested. “Like, say how this band wants to join Gerard with a G’s band and try to help people with their issues instead of sitting back and watching someone else do it for them.”
“Give me a second to find another quote; I’m sure there’s another one somewhere. He does make a lot of good points about various topics. It’s one of the reasons I love that band so much.” Owen murmured. “Here’s one, it’s not by Gerard, it’s by the rhythm guitarist,” he smiled, “Frank.”
“What’s the quote?” Bree asked, sitting down and grabbing a pen and paper.
“You can narrow it down to “We’re basically a band that wants to save your life.”” Owen answered. “And there’s another one here by Gerard that you might be interested in.”
“Yeah?”
“Be yourself, don’t take anyone’s shit and never let them take you alive.”
“That one. Read it to me again.”
Owen read it again and Bree quote it down before she looked up to the others. “I’ll come up with an opening speech and then we launch into I Lost My Fear of Falling.”
“Are you absolutely sure about this, Bree?” Frank asked.
“Positive.” Bree murmured before one of the stagehands came; telling them it was time to start and leading them to the stage. Bree, Frank and Jerrard grabbed their guitars where they were on stands to the side of the stage, already plugged into the amplifiers.
“You guys ready?” The stagehand asked quietly. Bree and Jerrard nodded before the lights on the stage went down and they walked out, Bree suddenly becoming exceedingly self-conscious as she waited for the lights to come up, listening as the Moroi and mortals of Adelaide screamed for them.
Bree squinted suddenly in the sudden light and there was a sudden decrease in volume level as the crowd saw the band and the dressings on Bree’s arms as she stood with her guitar simply hanging from her shoulders. She looked out at the crowd and sighed softly before she grabbed the microphone in front of her with two hands.
“Hey Adelaide, how you all doin’ tonight?” She called, faking a smile as the flood of emotion ran through her while they screamed back their answer. “Good? It fucking sounds like it!” Bree glanced at Jerrard and Frank for reassurance that she wasn’t alone before she looked back at the crowd again.
“Some of you guys might have noticed that I’ve got these bandages on my arms and I want to explain it so that the fuckin’ media don’t take it the wrong way. You see, some people are boring and live unbelievably mundane lives without any struggles but these bandages are the proof that I’m not one of those mundane people. I’ll admit it, I am fucking ashamed of it and I regret doing it but I can’t get these three amazing quotes outta my head from two guys from my favourite band in the world. Once, the vocalist said “I feel like there are so many people out there who have kids in the palm of their hand, listening but there are so few people saying something” and I mean seriously, how effing true is that?
“The guy who said that is in a band that his band mate described as a band that wants to save your life so, we’re going to conform to the nonconformists and follow suit. We’re taking a stand against the shit that caused me to delude myself into thinking this was the right thing to do. Instead, I’m going to live by this quote by the wonderful Gerard Way: Be yourself, don’t take anyone’s shit and never let them take you alive. This song’s for him and anyone else who can relate to it in whatever way.” Bree paused to look back at Frank, Jerrard and Owen. “Let’s show ‘em what we’ve gained and lost.”
Frank and Jerrard smiled proudly before they began playing the introduction to I Lost My Fear of Falling.
I’ve played around and I’ve fooled around
But I’ve never played the fool
I’ve never been so vulnerable
In a world so cruel
Coz I lost it all that night
When you pushed me away
Fought so hard to get back
So this time I’ll stay
Coz I lost my fear of falling
When I walked out your door
Now I’m standing up tall
I have won this war
Against the world
Never will I toss and turn
The secrets of my life unfurled
The fear won’t return
I’ve been the cookie and I’ve crumbled
But that’s not always how it crumbles
Not always with someone there
To help me through my stumbles
Coz I gave it all away
To keep myself afloat
Not always sure if I should trust
That ingenious quote
Coz I lost my fear of falling
When I walked out your door
Now I’m standing up tall
I have won this war
Against the world
Never will I toss and turn
The secrets of my life unfurled
The fear won’t return
Coz I lost my fear of falling
When I walked out your door
Now I’m standing up tall
I have won this war
Against all of my fears
Never knowing how it would unfold
Only knowing no more tears
And I lost my fear to fall
Coz I lost my fear of falling
When I walked out your door
Now I’m standing up tall
I have won this war
Against the world
Never will I toss and turn
The secrets of my life unfurled
The fear won’t return
Coz I lost my fear of falling
I lost my fear of falling
I lost my fear of falling
I lost my fear of falling
I just wish it was true, Bree thought as they wrapped up the song before continuing the show. The rest of the songs were good but she sang and played with less fervour. After the show ended and they headed back to the tour bus, Bree kept to herself and held back the tears before she crawled into her bunk, pulled the curtain across and curled in on herself as she began to cry.
"I can’t do this anymore...” She whispered to herself as her hand wrapped around the silver penknife beneath her pillow.
So what did you guys think of this? It's just after one a.m. so I'm not gonna say much but I hope you guys enjoyed this and that when I get up in the morning - or afternoon knowing my sleeping habits at the moment - I'll be able to see that some people have read through it and hopefully enjoyed it. Thanks for reading - C_R
Losing My Mind Instead of the Fear
Bree groaned softly and opened her eyes slowly, looking at her surroundings sleepily, frowning when she didn’t recognize where she was. She looked around to realize that she was in a forest of black trees that seemed to be covered in a strange liquid. She slowly stood and approached one of the trees, reaching out and touching the liquid before she whimpered and her head swam. She pulled her fingers away and looked down at them in the source of light that seemed to be following her. It was blood... Her blood. She had no idea how she knew this, she supposed it was simply instinctual.
She span around to look in the opposite direction where she saw more of her blood spattering the trees, the ground, everything. Bree bit her lip before she tried to run but the more she ran the more of her blood seemed to appear around her and she grew light headed. Eventually she stopped when she came to a clearing. In the centre of the clearing was a large puddle of her blood.
Bree slowly approached it, peering down at it before she heard a voice whisper to her “You cannot win, give up, give in...” Bree groaned, clenching her eyes as she fell to her knees, clutching her stomach as she began to feel sick and more light-headed. She began to cry as the pain in her stomach grew worse and the pain moved up her body to her head and arms. She lay down on the cold ground before it began to rain.
She was soon soaked through to the bone, crying and in agony as she wished for someone to pull her from this nightmare. At least, that’s what she hoped it was...
What seemed like hours later, Bree felt someone touch her shoulder gently. She slowly opened her eyes and looked up to see a young boy maybe two or three years older than she was kneeling beside her, watching her worriedly.
“He’s trapped you here too?” The boy asked quietly.
“Huh?” Bree whispered, turning onto her back slowly, her vision blurring slightly before she took a deep breath.
“... You don’t know where you are?” The boy questioned, frowning in confusion.
“N-No...” Bree answered. “Do you know where we are?”
He stood and backed away. “I can’t... I can’t t-tell you...” He turned and ran off without another word but his face remained in Bree’s memory long after he left.
Bree woke with a scream. She was panting heavily and could feel sweat covering her forehead and back. She looked around frantically before she realized she was in her bunk in the tour bus. She felt someone grasp her hand and she cried hopelessly, trying to pull away before a burning pain tore through her arms and the memories came flooding back as someone gently cupped her face, trying to sooth her.
“Bree, come on, calm down. We’re right here... We need to you take some deep breaths for us...” They pleaded but Bree paid the pleas no heed as she continued to cry and struggle.
“There’s no point, she’s too scared.” A new voice stated blatantly. The pleas stopped and the hands moved away, allowing Bree a chance to relax. The voices moved away for a while until Bree could only hear the quiet breathing of someone sitting beside her bunk. Eventually, she looked to her side to see a strange face watching her ... analysing her.
“Who are you?” Bree rasped; her throat dry from the panting and screaming.
“You don’t remember me Bree?” He asked quietly, leaning toward her slightly.
“Should I?”
He nodded slowly. “I’m Dr. Jacob Bryar, I was a friend of Robert’s in the 1980s; I worked at the DSH base as a psychologist.” He paused. “Do you remember Robert bringing you to meet me then?”
“N-No...” Bree whispered. “What do you want?”
“Do you remember what happened tonight, Bree?” He asked quietly, seriously.
“I remember playing the show and then coming back here...” Bree murmured.
“Anything else?”
Bree shook her head, feeling as if there was something else that accompanied these memories but she couldn’t think what it was. She was too tired.
Jacob glanced towards her arms before he looked back at Bree. “We need to know why Bree.”
“I don’t know why.” Bree whimpered.
“You have to know why Bree... Don’t worry about being degraded for it or anything like that, only you and I are going to know about this.”
“You’re lying.” Bree whispered darkly before she looked away, closing her eyes. “You always lied.”
“Bree...”
“No! Get away from me!” Bree snarled, trying to push herself away from him but the pain in her arms was too great. She could tell he hesitated before he stood and left but no one came back to sit with her which she was thankful for. She lay there, feeling tears well in her eyes as her emotions and pain – both physical and mental – overtook her and she soon found herself crying desperately, shaking uncontrollably as she grew cold.
“Hey B... Can I get you anything?” Someone asked quietly, gently reaching out and touching her shoulder. Bree flinched before she looked up at Frank, her lip quivering before she virtually leapt into his arms, hugging him tightly despite the pain. Frank pulled her arms away before he carefully lay down in the bunk with her, putting his arms around her as she cried.
“It’s okay Bree... Everything’s going to be fine...” Frank whispered as he gently placed his hand over her stomach, knowing it soothed her.
“N-No it isn’t...” Bree whispered shakily. “I f-fell apart... It isn’t true...”
“What isn’t true?”
“I haven’t lost my fear of falling.” Bree gasped as she tried to keep herself from hyperventilating.
Frank held her tighter. “B that doesn’t mean it’s not true.” He whispered reassuringly. “You’re getting there, you really are...”
“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore Frankie... I don’t want to do this anymore...”
“Don’t talk like that, that’s not true.” Frank lifted her chin up so he could look into her eyes. “You haven’t lost your fear of falling but you haven’t fallen yet... Not completely.”
“But what’s going to stop me when I do fall?” Bree whimpered.
Frank looked deep into her eyes, his own expressing determination and an adoration Bree had never seen in him before.
“I’ll stop you from falling... Always and forever.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” Frank answered surely before someone appeared outside Bree’s bunk. It was Jerrard and Levi stood beside him, the two kneeling beside the bunk so they could see Bree, both of them smiling slightly at the sight that met their eyes.
“Feeling any better?” Jerrard asked quietly.
“Kind of...” Bree whispered, smiling ever-so-slightly.
“Try and get some more sleep... Do you think you’ll be able to play the show tomorrow night?” Levi murmured.
Bree shrugged slightly. “I don’t remember what happened... I can’t tell you.”
“I’ll sort it, Lee.” Frank supplied.
“Okay... If you need anything just give me a yell and I’ll sort it out for you.” He offered before he stood and left, heading to the front of the bus where Bree supposed the others were congregating.
“I might go too, need some fresh air.” Jerrard whispered. He smiled reassuringly at Bree and Frank before he left too. Frank looked back to Bree after Jerrard had left before he pulled the curtain across the bunk, hiding them from the others in the bus.
“Are you going to tell me what happened?” Bree asked quietly, seeming shy and in Frank’s eyes, absolutely terrified out of her mind.
“If you want to know what happened.” Frank reasoned. “I won’t tell you if you don’t want to know despite my knowing it would be better for you to know what happened.”
Bree bit her lip before she nodded slowly. “I want to know... I’m sure I want to know.” She whispered, looking up at Frank.
“Okay... What’s the last thing you remember? I’ll start where your memory leaves off.”
“Uh... The last thing I remember would be ... coming back to the bus after the show.”
“Okay... Well, we came back and you seemed kind of ... out of it. Jerrard and I decided it would be best to let you deal with whatever was bothering you by yourself unless you came to us so we let you but then when Jerrard went to get you when Levi came by to talk about tomorrow night’s show you were unconscious in your bunk and bleeding so Levi called Dr. Bryar who we knew was living in Adelaide and he came out but he couldn’t help...”
“So what have you done?” Bree asked quietly, worrying.
“We’ve bound your arms as tight as we could without cutting off the circulation completely and Levi’s offered to take you to a hospital or something tomorrow if you want to or Owen will do it in the morning.” Frank answered. “Apart from us finding you unconscious and binding your arms not much has happened until you woke up just before.”
“O-Okay... Um... Lee said he’d take me to the hospital tomorrow if I needed to?” She questioned, her voice shaking slightly.
“He’d probably take you tonight if you really wanted.” Frank replied. “It is fairly late though so I wouldn’t suggest it considering we’ve got a late show tomorrow night.”
“I think... I think I’ll get him to take me now... So I don’t get blood anywhere before the morning.” Bree whispered.
“Okay... I’ll go tell Levi to get his car.” Frank pulled his arms away and pushed the curtain back again. “Do you want me to come?”
“Um... No, you stay and get some sleep. I’ll be fine with Levi.” Bree murmured. Frank nodded and smiled softly before he stood and left to find Levi. Bree tried to sit up but her arms were stiff and partially numb. When Levi came to get her, he carefully helped her out of her bunk, watching her warily as she steadied herself before they headed out of the bus and out to Levi’s car.
Levi opened the door for Bree, helping her in before he closed her door and walked around to the driver’s side door. He sat in his seat, watching Bree sadly before he did up his seatbelt and started the car, heading towards the women’s and children’s hospital.
“Damn... I should have gotten you something to eat...” Levi muttered as they drove.
“Doesn’t matter... I probably couldn’t stomach it anyway...” Bree murmured.
“Don’t say that... You’ll be fine.”
“We don’t know that... And now you’re taking me to a hospital where I mightn’t walk away with you.” Bree countered, her paranoid fears of being found out sneaking into her mind as she began to fidget.
“You chose to come...” Levi reasoned. “And I’ve got a cover story anyway. If they ask about it which they definitely will, we just need to remember to tell them that we live a couple of hours away and you fell out of a tree while at having a sleepover with friends in a tree house in the background.”
“And how are you related to me?”
“... Older brother, parents are out of town.”
“And we didn’t go to a hospital closer because..?”
“It’s the middle of the night, they aren’t going to ask why we didn’t go somewhere else.” Levi laughed. “It’s good to see you thinking though, you were out for a while.”
Bree smiled slightly before she looked down at her arms which were resting in her lap. “Does Robert know?”
“We didn’t know if you’d want us to let him know so we didn’t call him... I can if you want though.” Levi answered.
“We’ll see how this goes first.” Bree murmured as they pulled into the car park at the hospital. “Do I need to fake anything?”
“Nah, it’ll be fine. We’ll just say that we staunched the blood pretty quickly.” Levi answered before they got out of the car and headed towards the paediatric emergency room, taking advantage of the fact that Bree was physically seventeen years old. She had been for decades and decades.
The emergency department was relatively quiet which Bree found somewhat reassuring as Levi walked her up to the front desk, the receptionist looking up at them somewhat tiredly.
“My sister fell out of a tree and hurt her arms.” Levi explained, putting an arm around Bree’s shoulder as she looked to the receptionist sheepishly.
The receptionist stood. “Okay, come with me and we’ll get you fixed up dear.” She murmured, leading them to a procedure room where she asked Bree to sit down before she left to find a doctor.
“That was easy...” Bree murmured.
“She’s tired.” Levi noted, shrugging.
When the door opened again, a doctor with brown hair and pale skin. Bree narrowed her eyes slightly, observing him sceptically.
He looked to Bree and smiled slightly. “Hi, I’m Dr. Stephens... Bree McEwan right?”
“Uh... Yeah... How did you get my name?” Bree asked, confused.
“Member of the DSH, worked with Robert Mason a couple of years ago on a case that spanned between South Australia and Victoria.” He explained, flashing a grin at them. “Fell out of a tree was the best excuse you could come up with?”
“We only had five minutes to figure it out.” Levi said defensively.
“What are you doing in Adelaide?” Dr. Stephens asked as he opened a supply cupboard, digging around for something.
“Playing with the Elemental Mayhem concert series and on a tour of my own with my band.” Bree answered. “How did you know it was an excuse?”
“Robert warned me.” He answered quietly. “I know you’re pissed off at him but he’s just looking out for you.”
“When did he warn you?” Levi asked, frowning slightly as Bree sat there staring into space.
“Couple of weeks ago. Said I’d either have you as a casualty or to get a new prescription for antidepressants.” Dr. Stephens looked to Bree seriously. “And I honestly have half a mind to have you committed to the psych ward.”
“I’m not that bad... I can deal with it.” Bree murmured, looking away.
“To be honest with you Bree, that’s what they all say and most of them come back worse off than last time.” Dr. Stephens said seriously as he began unbandaging one of her arms.
“I’m getting better though... The pills are helping most of the time.”
“Only most of the time?”
“I just got a little overwhelmed at the show tonight.” Bree admitted before she closed her eyes as the bloody bandage fell away. She winced as the air made the wounds sting.
“You’ve got some very nasty scars here, Bree... Do you mind if I put some stuff on them so they fade easier?”
“Don’t... I don’t care that they’re there. I think it’s helping me quit.”
“And how long have you been going with this method?”
“A week and a half.” Bree whispered. “Can you just stitch these so I can go back and relax before the show tomorrow?”
“Bree I don’t think you should be playing a show after you’ve done this unless you’re intending to spend most of tomorrow feeding.”
“Then I’ll do that. I’m not going to miss a show.”
Dr. Stephens sighed. “You always were stubborn.” He whispered before he did something to her arm that made it sting unpleasantly. “If I give you a couple of bags of blood will you drink them tomorrow before the show?”
“Only if you figure out why the pills aren’t working.” Bree tried to bargain.
“I can’t do that in one night, Bree.” He countered before he went to say something else, hesitating as he thought about it. “Although... What element do you control?”
Bree froze. “Um... I control uh...” Bree looked to Levi for help who immediately jumped in with a story that could have been rehearsed a thousand times for all Dr. Stephens knew.
“She doesn’t. I thought Robert would have told you that. Bree’s never been able to control an element, we don’t know why.” Levi explained, winking at Bree.
Dr. Stephens nodded before he looked back to Bree. “I’ll give you a prescription for more antidepressants but for a few days I want you to see how you go without taking them. How long are you in Adelaide for?”
“Uh, we head for Perth next Friday night.” Levi answered.
“Okay, I want you to stop taking your meds for now and come back to me office next Thursday or Friday before you leave and we’ll see how you’ve been.” Dr. Stephens murmured as he dressed Bree’s arm before moving on to tend Bree’s other arm, wincing when he saw the condition of her other arm. Bree looked down worriedly before she suddenly felt sick at the sight of the blood and jagged wound. Levi stood and pulled her back before he took her hand reassuringly.
“This might take a while...” Dr. Stephens muttered under his breath before he looked to Levi. “How long between you found her and she did it?”
“Uh, we got back to the bus at about eleven and we found her at about half past twelve.” Levi answered. “Why?”
“You aren’t doing anything tomorrow morning are you?” He asked casually, his tone lightening dramatically.
“Why?”
“I don’t think she should be going anywhere if she was bleeding freely for an hour and a half and if you’re in Adelaide why did it take you two hours to get her here?”
“I can’t stay here!” Bree snarled.
“That still doesn’t answer my question.” He countered, looking to Levi firmly.
“We found her and she was unconscious, we couldn’t exactly take her out of the venue unconscious and covered in blood! It’d set a bad example!”
“Leaving her to have the wounds get infected doesn’t help her either!”
“Shut up!” Bree yelled before she looked to Dr. Stephens. “Fix my arm, give me some bags of blood and let me go home.”
Dr. Stephens blinked at her before he nodded slowly and continued to tend her arm. They sat in silence as he worked until he stood and left to fetch the bags of blood. When he came back he was also carrying a plastic bag.
“The blood’s in the bag and so are some more meds for you.” He said quietly. “Please look after yourself Bree.”
Bree grabbed the bag as she stood, glaring at him. “I don’t need you to care about me.” She whispered venomously before she and Levi stalked out.
The drive back to the venue was silent as Bree thought over what had happened. About halfway home, she turned to Levi purposefully.
“I should say something tomorrow night... Before we play I Lost My Fear of Falling, I should say something.”
“And what would you say?” Levi asked quietly, glancing at her briefly as he drove.
Bree paused to think. “This song is for everyone who feels they can relate to it. For me personally ... it’s what I hope to be able to say when I finally finish climbing this mountain in my life because the view is always worth it.”
Levi smiled. “If that’s really what you want to do, I won’t stop you.”
“Thanks Lee.” Bree murmured before they fell into silence again.
Bree had had a terrible night’s sleep even though she’d slept in as late as she could. She’d managed to stay awake during sound check and was now struggling to figure out what to wear for the show. She had decided it would be best to wear something that wouldn’t make her sweat too much so that the dressings would come off but she was beginning to realize she’d have no choice unless she took the dressings off.
She stood in her dressing room and bit her lip as she looked at her stack of clothes before she looked to her reflection in the mirror to her left. The dressings on her arms were what caught her eye and she sighed, closing her eyes before she looked back at her pile of clothes and picking out her bright red skinny leg jeans and a white t-shirt that said quite plainly on the front “from backstage 2 the Dr.”. The only thing obscure about the shirt to everyone else was that the “back” was an arrow pointing to the left when you looked at it.
She sighed again before she pulled off the shirt she was wearing and traded it for the shirt in her hands. She shivered slightly before she put on her jeans and then shoved on her black Converse sneakers before she headed to the Greenroom where she’d told the others she’d meet them. It was just a Jagged Backstreet Outcast Fraternity concert tonight so the venue was quiet which Bree didn’t really mind. It would be loud soon anyway.
She didn’t think anything would be louder than the gasps of her band mates when she walked into the Greenroom though.
“Oh my God Bree... Are you serious?” Jerrard asked, standing and approaching her.
“I want to do this, Jay, let me.” Bree answered truthfully before she looked to Frank and Owen who were watching her in amazement. “It’ll be fine.”
“Do you know how damaging this could be to the band though? What the media in the Moroi and mortal world will say?” Jerrard countered. “We’ll be ruined after two weeks on the road.”
“There’s no guarantee of that. It’ll be fine; I can explain it or something.” Bree looked to Owen who usually knew all the concert information. “Is it a mortal or Moroi show tonight?”
“Moroi and mortal, they’re testing to see if we can hold mixed species shows.” Owen answered as he twirled one of his drumsticks between his fingers.
“Then I’ll say at some stage, a couple of songs in, that I’m bloody ashamed of it and give them a pep talk.” Bree reasoned. “I can do this, I promise.”
Jerrard sighed softly, nodding. “Alright but if you screw this up I swear to God...”
“Bree, who’s that guy from that band you like?” Frank asked quietly from where he now stood beside Mikey.
“Gerard with a G?” Bree asked.
“Yeah, him... Doesn’t he have like, a massive list of quotes and shit that are about depression and suicide and stuff like that?”
“Yeah...”
“Why don’t you pick one of them and say that at the start before we play I Lost My Fear of Falling?”
“So we play that at the start?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay... Only problem is that I don’t know any of his quotes off by heart. Most of the ones about suicide and depression are fairly long...”
“What about this one: I feel like there are so many people out there who have kids in the palm of their hand, listening but there are so few people saying something.” Owen asked from where he sat with his laptop now on his knees.
“I think I should have another one to back it up.” Bree murmured. “One that addresses it more plainly.”
“You could always add to it.” Frank suggested. “Like, say how this band wants to join Gerard with a G’s band and try to help people with their issues instead of sitting back and watching someone else do it for them.”
“Give me a second to find another quote; I’m sure there’s another one somewhere. He does make a lot of good points about various topics. It’s one of the reasons I love that band so much.” Owen murmured. “Here’s one, it’s not by Gerard, it’s by the rhythm guitarist,” he smiled, “Frank.”
“What’s the quote?” Bree asked, sitting down and grabbing a pen and paper.
“You can narrow it down to “We’re basically a band that wants to save your life.”” Owen answered. “And there’s another one here by Gerard that you might be interested in.”
“Yeah?”
“Be yourself, don’t take anyone’s shit and never let them take you alive.”
“That one. Read it to me again.”
Owen read it again and Bree quote it down before she looked up to the others. “I’ll come up with an opening speech and then we launch into I Lost My Fear of Falling.”
“Are you absolutely sure about this, Bree?” Frank asked.
“Positive.” Bree murmured before one of the stagehands came; telling them it was time to start and leading them to the stage. Bree, Frank and Jerrard grabbed their guitars where they were on stands to the side of the stage, already plugged into the amplifiers.
“You guys ready?” The stagehand asked quietly. Bree and Jerrard nodded before the lights on the stage went down and they walked out, Bree suddenly becoming exceedingly self-conscious as she waited for the lights to come up, listening as the Moroi and mortals of Adelaide screamed for them.
Bree squinted suddenly in the sudden light and there was a sudden decrease in volume level as the crowd saw the band and the dressings on Bree’s arms as she stood with her guitar simply hanging from her shoulders. She looked out at the crowd and sighed softly before she grabbed the microphone in front of her with two hands.
“Hey Adelaide, how you all doin’ tonight?” She called, faking a smile as the flood of emotion ran through her while they screamed back their answer. “Good? It fucking sounds like it!” Bree glanced at Jerrard and Frank for reassurance that she wasn’t alone before she looked back at the crowd again.
“Some of you guys might have noticed that I’ve got these bandages on my arms and I want to explain it so that the fuckin’ media don’t take it the wrong way. You see, some people are boring and live unbelievably mundane lives without any struggles but these bandages are the proof that I’m not one of those mundane people. I’ll admit it, I am fucking ashamed of it and I regret doing it but I can’t get these three amazing quotes outta my head from two guys from my favourite band in the world. Once, the vocalist said “I feel like there are so many people out there who have kids in the palm of their hand, listening but there are so few people saying something” and I mean seriously, how effing true is that?
“The guy who said that is in a band that his band mate described as a band that wants to save your life so, we’re going to conform to the nonconformists and follow suit. We’re taking a stand against the shit that caused me to delude myself into thinking this was the right thing to do. Instead, I’m going to live by this quote by the wonderful Gerard Way: Be yourself, don’t take anyone’s shit and never let them take you alive. This song’s for him and anyone else who can relate to it in whatever way.” Bree paused to look back at Frank, Jerrard and Owen. “Let’s show ‘em what we’ve gained and lost.”
Frank and Jerrard smiled proudly before they began playing the introduction to I Lost My Fear of Falling.
I’ve played around and I’ve fooled around
But I’ve never played the fool
I’ve never been so vulnerable
In a world so cruel
Coz I lost it all that night
When you pushed me away
Fought so hard to get back
So this time I’ll stay
Coz I lost my fear of falling
When I walked out your door
Now I’m standing up tall
I have won this war
Against the world
Never will I toss and turn
The secrets of my life unfurled
The fear won’t return
I’ve been the cookie and I’ve crumbled
But that’s not always how it crumbles
Not always with someone there
To help me through my stumbles
Coz I gave it all away
To keep myself afloat
Not always sure if I should trust
That ingenious quote
Coz I lost my fear of falling
When I walked out your door
Now I’m standing up tall
I have won this war
Against the world
Never will I toss and turn
The secrets of my life unfurled
The fear won’t return
Coz I lost my fear of falling
When I walked out your door
Now I’m standing up tall
I have won this war
Against all of my fears
Never knowing how it would unfold
Only knowing no more tears
And I lost my fear to fall
Coz I lost my fear of falling
When I walked out your door
Now I’m standing up tall
I have won this war
Against the world
Never will I toss and turn
The secrets of my life unfurled
The fear won’t return
Coz I lost my fear of falling
I lost my fear of falling
I lost my fear of falling
I lost my fear of falling
I just wish it was true, Bree thought as they wrapped up the song before continuing the show. The rest of the songs were good but she sang and played with less fervour. After the show ended and they headed back to the tour bus, Bree kept to herself and held back the tears before she crawled into her bunk, pulled the curtain across and curled in on herself as she began to cry.
"I can’t do this anymore...” She whispered to herself as her hand wrapped around the silver penknife beneath her pillow.
So what did you guys think of this? It's just after one a.m. so I'm not gonna say much but I hope you guys enjoyed this and that when I get up in the morning - or afternoon knowing my sleeping habits at the moment - I'll be able to see that some people have read through it and hopefully enjoyed it. Thanks for reading - C_R
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