Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > Case # 9900301: Stump, Patrick
Newspaper clipping:
The world’s first pregnant man has given birth to a happy, bouncing baby boy…
Patrick was sitting at home, although what else had been new for the last couple months? He was watching a romantic comedy, and got to the part where the main couple had started falling for each other, but scenes later, because of a stupid mistake, they were broken apart. Patrick looked sadly at his baby bump, the baby kicked and he rubbed the spot tenderly. “I wish Pete were here,” he mumbled.
As soon as the sentence left his mouth, a pain unlike anything he ever felt gripped his stomach. “Oh fuck,” he breathed. “Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Contraction.” He quickly tried to remember his breathing training as he grabbed his cell phone and speed dialed Andy.
Andy was already asleep when his phone rang. He answered. “Hello?” he asked groggily.
“Andy,” Patrick said, trying to keep his breathing rhythmic. “It’s time.”
Andy sat up, grabbed his glasses and started to pull on some clothes. “What? Are you sure?”
Patrick felt another contraction and treated Andy to a string of profanities. “Oh, I’m pretty sure.”
“Try to relax, I’ll be there in a couple minutes,” Andy reassured him and ran out the door.
Getting Patrick into the backseat of Andy’s car was a bit more of a challenge then he anticipated, but they got him secured and drove to Joe’s apartment. Joe was ready and ran out the front door as soon as they pulled up.
“Thundercatsth hoooo!” he yelled, jumping in the backseat with Patrick. “Go! Go!” he demanded.
Patrick frowned and studied Joe’s red eyes. “Are you high?”
Joe buckled up as Andy rolled his eyes and started heading toward the hospital. “A little,” Joe admitted.
Several minutes later, Patrick was in a wheelchair being pushed at full speed toward the information desk. Joe was jogging behind them. “Move! Preggo dude coming through!”
“Joe!” Patrick managed to scold in-between breaths. “Shut the fuck up!”
Andy was talking to a nurse. “…you see, he’s pregnant,” he was attempting to explain.
The nurse raised an eyebrow, leaned over and studied Patrick. “How far apart are the contractions, Hun?”
“Oh, pretty much constant,” Patrick grunted.
“Okay, we’ll get you settled in a room and, hopefully, in a few hours you’ll be a parent!” the nurse exclaimed.
Patrick was still in pain. “Wonderful,” he said unenthusiastically as the nurse took the chair and started pushing him down the hall.
Andy was stuck with all the paperwork. “Joe, go sit with Patrick. I’ll be back there once I finish filling this out.”
Joe rolled his eyes. “Fine,” he whined and followed Patrick into his room.
Patrick had to put on the embarrassing ass-less hospital gown. He sighed and laid down as Joe walked in.
“Andy’sth going to be here in a little bit,” Joe explained. “What am I sthupposthed to do?” he asked dumbly.
Patrick rolled his eyes. “Get over here and hold my hand.”
Joe sat down as Patrick’s doctor walked in. “Okay Mr. Stump, let’s see how far you’ve dilated,” he exclaimed.
Joe frowned. “Excthesthe me Doc, thisth might stheem like a sthupid questhion, but sthince Pathrick’sth a dude, where’sth the baby sthupposthed to come out?”
“Well,” the doctor explained while he measured, “this may sound odd, but Mr. Stump has seemed to develop alternative versions of the female cervix and vagina. And it also seems that you’re just about ready to start pushing.”
Patrick cursed as another contraction occurred, and he crushed Joe’s hand. “Wait! Don’t I get the shot?”
“I’m sorry, but you’re too far along. You’re going to have to do this the natural way.”
Patrick squeezed Joe’s hand again. “Joe! Go get Andy! Go get Andy!” he yelled.
Joe’s eyes were wide as he sprinted out of the room.
About 15 minutes earlier, Andy had called Pete and left a message on his cell phone. He had mentioned that, if he even cared, Patrick had gone into labor and that he’d try to keep him updated.
As soon as Pete got the message, he grabbed his keys and started to head out the door.
Ashlee was glaring at him. “What? You’re just going to crawl back to him?” she snapped.
Pete sighed. “I’m sorry, Baby, but Patrick needs me. Besides, I’m stuck with you forever. Let me go help my best friend.”
Ashlee let out a jealous grunt and stomped back to her bedroom.
Pete rolled his eyes and hightailed it to the hospital. He arrived the same time Joe was running down the hall looking for Andy.
“Pete!” Joe exclaimed. “Have you stheen Andrew?”
Pete looked around. “I think he went outside to make a few calls,” he lied. “What do you need him for?”
“Pathrick needsth him! He’sth sthcreaming a whole bunch of crazthy and the doctor wasth talking about cirvexesth!” Joe blurted.
“Andy also said that I could take care of anything that happened to come up while he was out. Where’s Patrick?”
Joe quickly ran back in the direction he came, Pete following him. They stopped in front of Patrick’s door.
Patrick could be heard yelling, quite clearly, at least three doors down. “Where the fuck is Andy?” he demanded.
Pete took a deep breath and walked in.
Patrick was silent for a moment as he stared at Pete. “Pete?”
“Patrick, I’m so, so sorry,” Pete started to apologize.
“Yeah, that’s nice. Get the fuck over here and help me!” Patrick yelled.
Pete went over, took a hold of Patrick’s hand and continued to talk above Patrick’s obscenities and pushing. “I was a complete asshole. I treated you like shit and our baby doesn’t even deserve someone like me raising it.”
“You’re doing fine, Mr. Stump. I can see the head,” the doctor commentated. “Keep pushing.”
“Oh God,” Patrick groaned. He glared at Pete. “This is all your fault!”
“I know this is my fault. I’m just saying that I’ll completely understand if our relationship will just be on a professional level. I’m sort of stuck with Ashlee now, but I do hope that one day you’ll forgive me enough to at least let me see my kid every once in awhile.”
“That’s good. One more big push…”
Patrick screamed as the sound of a crying baby filled the room. Patrick collapsed back on the bed, sweaty and exhausted.
“Congratulations! It’s a boy!”
“I… I have a son?” Pete asked, starting to tear up.
If Patrick just hadn’t just pushed a human being out of his ass, he would’ve strangled him. “Pete,” he muttered as his eyes slipped shut, “get the hell out.”
The world’s first pregnant man has given birth to a happy, bouncing baby boy…
Patrick was sitting at home, although what else had been new for the last couple months? He was watching a romantic comedy, and got to the part where the main couple had started falling for each other, but scenes later, because of a stupid mistake, they were broken apart. Patrick looked sadly at his baby bump, the baby kicked and he rubbed the spot tenderly. “I wish Pete were here,” he mumbled.
As soon as the sentence left his mouth, a pain unlike anything he ever felt gripped his stomach. “Oh fuck,” he breathed. “Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Contraction.” He quickly tried to remember his breathing training as he grabbed his cell phone and speed dialed Andy.
Andy was already asleep when his phone rang. He answered. “Hello?” he asked groggily.
“Andy,” Patrick said, trying to keep his breathing rhythmic. “It’s time.”
Andy sat up, grabbed his glasses and started to pull on some clothes. “What? Are you sure?”
Patrick felt another contraction and treated Andy to a string of profanities. “Oh, I’m pretty sure.”
“Try to relax, I’ll be there in a couple minutes,” Andy reassured him and ran out the door.
Getting Patrick into the backseat of Andy’s car was a bit more of a challenge then he anticipated, but they got him secured and drove to Joe’s apartment. Joe was ready and ran out the front door as soon as they pulled up.
“Thundercatsth hoooo!” he yelled, jumping in the backseat with Patrick. “Go! Go!” he demanded.
Patrick frowned and studied Joe’s red eyes. “Are you high?”
Joe buckled up as Andy rolled his eyes and started heading toward the hospital. “A little,” Joe admitted.
Several minutes later, Patrick was in a wheelchair being pushed at full speed toward the information desk. Joe was jogging behind them. “Move! Preggo dude coming through!”
“Joe!” Patrick managed to scold in-between breaths. “Shut the fuck up!”
Andy was talking to a nurse. “…you see, he’s pregnant,” he was attempting to explain.
The nurse raised an eyebrow, leaned over and studied Patrick. “How far apart are the contractions, Hun?”
“Oh, pretty much constant,” Patrick grunted.
“Okay, we’ll get you settled in a room and, hopefully, in a few hours you’ll be a parent!” the nurse exclaimed.
Patrick was still in pain. “Wonderful,” he said unenthusiastically as the nurse took the chair and started pushing him down the hall.
Andy was stuck with all the paperwork. “Joe, go sit with Patrick. I’ll be back there once I finish filling this out.”
Joe rolled his eyes. “Fine,” he whined and followed Patrick into his room.
Patrick had to put on the embarrassing ass-less hospital gown. He sighed and laid down as Joe walked in.
“Andy’sth going to be here in a little bit,” Joe explained. “What am I sthupposthed to do?” he asked dumbly.
Patrick rolled his eyes. “Get over here and hold my hand.”
Joe sat down as Patrick’s doctor walked in. “Okay Mr. Stump, let’s see how far you’ve dilated,” he exclaimed.
Joe frowned. “Excthesthe me Doc, thisth might stheem like a sthupid questhion, but sthince Pathrick’sth a dude, where’sth the baby sthupposthed to come out?”
“Well,” the doctor explained while he measured, “this may sound odd, but Mr. Stump has seemed to develop alternative versions of the female cervix and vagina. And it also seems that you’re just about ready to start pushing.”
Patrick cursed as another contraction occurred, and he crushed Joe’s hand. “Wait! Don’t I get the shot?”
“I’m sorry, but you’re too far along. You’re going to have to do this the natural way.”
Patrick squeezed Joe’s hand again. “Joe! Go get Andy! Go get Andy!” he yelled.
Joe’s eyes were wide as he sprinted out of the room.
About 15 minutes earlier, Andy had called Pete and left a message on his cell phone. He had mentioned that, if he even cared, Patrick had gone into labor and that he’d try to keep him updated.
As soon as Pete got the message, he grabbed his keys and started to head out the door.
Ashlee was glaring at him. “What? You’re just going to crawl back to him?” she snapped.
Pete sighed. “I’m sorry, Baby, but Patrick needs me. Besides, I’m stuck with you forever. Let me go help my best friend.”
Ashlee let out a jealous grunt and stomped back to her bedroom.
Pete rolled his eyes and hightailed it to the hospital. He arrived the same time Joe was running down the hall looking for Andy.
“Pete!” Joe exclaimed. “Have you stheen Andrew?”
Pete looked around. “I think he went outside to make a few calls,” he lied. “What do you need him for?”
“Pathrick needsth him! He’sth sthcreaming a whole bunch of crazthy and the doctor wasth talking about cirvexesth!” Joe blurted.
“Andy also said that I could take care of anything that happened to come up while he was out. Where’s Patrick?”
Joe quickly ran back in the direction he came, Pete following him. They stopped in front of Patrick’s door.
Patrick could be heard yelling, quite clearly, at least three doors down. “Where the fuck is Andy?” he demanded.
Pete took a deep breath and walked in.
Patrick was silent for a moment as he stared at Pete. “Pete?”
“Patrick, I’m so, so sorry,” Pete started to apologize.
“Yeah, that’s nice. Get the fuck over here and help me!” Patrick yelled.
Pete went over, took a hold of Patrick’s hand and continued to talk above Patrick’s obscenities and pushing. “I was a complete asshole. I treated you like shit and our baby doesn’t even deserve someone like me raising it.”
“You’re doing fine, Mr. Stump. I can see the head,” the doctor commentated. “Keep pushing.”
“Oh God,” Patrick groaned. He glared at Pete. “This is all your fault!”
“I know this is my fault. I’m just saying that I’ll completely understand if our relationship will just be on a professional level. I’m sort of stuck with Ashlee now, but I do hope that one day you’ll forgive me enough to at least let me see my kid every once in awhile.”
“That’s good. One more big push…”
Patrick screamed as the sound of a crying baby filled the room. Patrick collapsed back on the bed, sweaty and exhausted.
“Congratulations! It’s a boy!”
“I… I have a son?” Pete asked, starting to tear up.
If Patrick just hadn’t just pushed a human being out of his ass, he would’ve strangled him. “Pete,” he muttered as his eyes slipped shut, “get the hell out.”
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