FicWad

1. Dead Letter Number 1


Where should I start? At the beginning would be a good place I guess; only problem is I'm not entirely sure where the beginning is.
Is it when I first noticed you? Or is it when I first spoke to you? Or maybe it's when you first opened up to me?
Or was it when I first realized that no matter what you said or did, I'd always come back, always forgive. Because I loved... love you.

Sometimes when you wish, you don't always realize exactly what it is you're asking for. And sometimes, sometimes when that wish is granted it's wonderful, it's amazing, it's like soaring through the heavens above on beautiful white, soft wings knowing that no one and nothing can touch you. But like Icarous, it's hard to stay away from the sun, and when those wings are gone it's one hell of a drop. One that just keeps going, never ending. You just... get used to the feeling.

That's the problem with flying so high; the lows are all the more crushing.

My story isn't one with a classic happy ending. Mine is real life, the bits that fairy tales don't prepare you for. The good, the bad, the ugly and the heartbreak.

Even now, even after all these years, it still hurts. And you're still there, still smiling; and I don't know if those beautiful smiles are sincere or not, I can't see through the lies because you're too good at hiding, too accomplished.

And God I miss you. Stupid I know and I bet you can't even recall my name, but I remember everything. Sometimes I wonder if it was all just a strange, magnificent dream but I still have those words you wrote, maybe one day I'll have the strength to throw them away, discard them and move on. I doubt it. I'm drawn to you and I just don't know why... Maybe. If.

But life's full of maybe's and what ifs, they don't help they just delay the healing. Stop the wounds from closing. Intensify the pain.

You were and always will be my beautiful disaster. My shining star. My forever love.

I remember. We were... I don't know what we were. Friends? Confidants? Dependents? I needed you like I needed oxygen. Every day, every second, you consumed my life, became part of me. I couldn't do a single thing without you, there, in the back of my mind.

Were you the same? I think, possibly to an extent. You said you needed me. You said... you said many things and I'm left wondering, did you mean them? Were they real or did you just...

No. We needed each other. You left me briefly but you were quick to find me again. Yes, you wanted me too.

I know the truth though. Your truth. You opened up to me, drew me into your strong arms and held me there. Did you know? You must have known, and yet I never told you; I would always, always wait for you. You have me forever.

But we're still tied, still bound by your admissions. I know your secrets. The ones that you hide from the rest of this world. You gave them to me and I swore, I promised I would never tell a soul. I didn't. But I did give a soul, mine, to you.

Maybe I should have said those three little words? But what good would it have done? You're too used to hearing them, they've lost all meaning for you now... I showed you, but I doubt you could ever accept it. You probably thought you weren't good enough, regardless of how many times I told you, you were. You are. You always will be. Even now. After time, distance and life have passed between us. You have a corner of my heart and nothing will take that from you.

I wonder if you ever think of me? I don't know? We shared too much; we delved to deep for you not to. But how often? Do the years slip by unnoticed, does it jump up on you every now and then - a tiny reminder of my smile, my support. My love.

I gave you everything I had but it wasn't enough, I couldn't fill the holes. Couldn't make you better. I tried, my God I tried. You know how hard I tried.
I should have told you. But I couldn't. I wasn't yours to have. I wish I was.

You hinted, I can see that now but my self esteem was too low. I loved you too hard. How could you have wanted me? Chosen me when you had the world at your feet? But you did, didn't you. I just didn't see it then... I do now.

And then, then there was a complication.

You called me pretty, but he called me beautiful.

I smiled and laughed with him, it was so easy and fluid. There was never anything to wedge between us, nothing, except you. I drowned in his waterfall of comliments... You aren't the only one who needed to hear things. Yours isn't the only ego that needs boosting.

And then you and he... You were volatile at the best of times but... I never wanted to come between you both. You're brothers. You're flesh and blood. You love each other.

I wish I knew. I wish I'd been there maybe I could have stopped it. But you were both thousands of miles away, out of my reach. I know you spoke, I know he was hard on you and I know you considered me yours but he was too... persuasive. He made me smile, he spoke sweet words, he told me he wanted me. Why couldn't you?

If only he hadn't got involved. If I'd have kept my distance from him... It was just a crush, just a silly infatuation. We got on so well, his words... his flattery, they turned my head but never enough that I couldn't see you.

And you, you changed, your words became laced with double entendres. You.. I wanted to read so much into your messages but I couldn't, I daren't...

I lusted after him but I loved you.

You asked me. You asked me to tell you, you begged. And the best I could do, ha! The best I could manage was a lie. I didn't have a crush on you. You were my all, my everything, my purpose. I loved you.

And then, suddenly you were gone. Both of you. Disappeared from my life without a second glance... only now I'm not so sure.

I got on with my existence, lived and laughed. I hardly thought of you at all. And then I heard your words, silky smooth and heart wrenching. Were they written for me? For us? Probably not, but... there's always a small chance.

You knew from the start I was taken, that you couldn't ask me for everything. To give it to you was my choice. I regret it, only because without you my sun doesn't shine as brightly...

I could find you again. I know where you are... Are you waiting for me? Was it a test? Should I have run after you? Clung to you and decalred my unavailable heart to be yours?

I know you. I think that maybe... I think I might have made a mistake. You are so delicate, so much more breakable than anyone else could ever imagine. Your bravado is such a charade. I know you, away from the camera's, behind closed doors. I've wiped away your tears, soothed your worries in the dead of the night...

Are you waiting for me? Are those words you utter mine? Can I slip back into your life?

Should I?

Gerard, I miss you.

Maybe one day I'll have the courage to send this to you.

Always yours,
Kelly