FicWad

Kelly.

It’s time to say our last goodbyes, it’s been one hell of a ride but as with all good things, this has finally come to an end.

Understandably, I have mixed feelings. I’m tired and spent but this is all I’ve known for the longest time and without it I’m not entirely sure exactly who I am. Maybe I am no one but it’s time I found out. It’s time to hang up the mask and make up and find my other self. I need to stand on my own two feet.

It’s been beautiful, it honestly has but sadly it’s time to wave adieu and it’s with a heavy heart that I do just that. I’m not entirely sure if I can do this. If I can walk away so carelessly, without a second glance but it’s time I tried. We’re destructive together and we’re slowly pulling each other down into the depth of our own personal hell. It might not seem like it yet, but that’s where we’re heading and you don’t deserve that. You’re too good for that. Too good for me.

You’ve been my crutch for the longest time and I’ve leant too heavily on you. It wasn’t fair, I wasn’t fair but I needed you. I couldn’t breathe without you but I understand now that to keep me alive you are slowly killing yourself. I won’t let that happen.

I can say good bye and die quietly doing so, but at least I know you’ll get over this, you’ll get over me. It won’t kill you but staying here with me might.

It’s the only selfless thing I’ve ever done for you and even this one act is going to hurt you. That’s all I’m capable of, hurting you, and you’ll never know how I loathe myself for it, how I despise myself for sucking you into this blackened nightmare. But it’s because of that that I’m doing this. Because I’ll never change, despite all the empty promises. I could try. I would try but eventually we’d end up down this same path because I’m a weak man. I can’t help myself. I never can.

I thought, that with you by my side, guiding me through, I honestly believed that now was the time but then he interfered and I slipped. I hated him. And I hated, hating someone I love. It’s so consuming and painful.

He shouldn’t have done what he did, said what he said. It should have been me.

I hated you, hated you as I loved you and despised myself. If I were stronger, if I could have stopped being so selfish you might not have needed him. But you never returned my secret feelings. I’d have known. You were, are, too kind, too good for me.

You are an angel and I am a demon. We don’t belong together. I can only hurt you. That’s why I’m leaving. That’s why I don’t want you to follow.

Because I love you.

Because I need you too much.

Because you’re my savior, my angel.

I need you to stay perfect, you can’t do that with me, I’ll taint you and break you and turn you into something as ugly as I am. The only gift I have for you now, the only good true thing I can do, is this.

The only way I can show you I love you.

I’ll cry, I’ll be devastated, I’ll die. But I swear to you, on the bitter blood running through my malicious veins, I will never, ever be your burden again.

I’ll always remember you. And I’ll know that by doing this I saved you. I just hope I haven’t done too much damage already.

I’ll miss you more than you can possibly imagine and every day without you, my heart will break. You will always be in my mind and my heart but not my life.

Stay strong and beautiful and keep your love for someone who truly deserves it. I wish it were me, but life is cruel and doesn’t always play out the way you want.

I hope you get the life you deserve, one that is as full of love as you. One that’s as special as you. One that shines as brightly as you.

Thank you for saving me.

I love you.

Goodbye.

G
xo