FicWad

Gerard threw down his pencil and sighed in frustration. Hs knew from the moment he woke up, today was going to be a bad day.

With a low growl at his own lack of self control he turned away from his sketches and lifted the battered case of his well travelled laptop. He tapped impatiently, drumming his fingers against the glass table top as the computer whirred to life.

Silently he was berating himself for what he was about to do. What was the point? What would it achieve? He'd immerse himself in the memory for a brief moment before feeling the same stab of regret and loneliness and spending the rest of the day in angry sadness.

And even though he knew all that, he knew it wouldn't stop his morbid curiosity.

He logged on and opened the all important file. It took him seconds to key in the password, during which time he held his breath. He opened the relevant files and exhaled as her words sprang to life before him.

He read slowly, savoring each sentence, each word stoking the fire burning in his soul.

Of course I miss you when you're not around, but I know how busy you are, it's no biggie.

The line looked up at him unassuming and innocent on the screen.

Did she still miss him?

As was usual in this bizarre ritual he booted up internet explorer and opened up the appropriate page. She had been logging in less frequently over the past few months, but his heart leapt into his mouth as he realized she was online now.

Temptation flowed through him as he felt the jolt of electricity shock his system, the same thing that always happened whenever he saw her online.

He stared at his screen, his light hazel eyes skimming her profile. She'd changed it. The breath caught in his throat as he saw the difference, his heart stopped.

In haste he hit the power button and watched in relief as the light faded and his screen went black. His hands were shaking as he ran them through his ebony hair.

It didn't change anything, it made no difference. He wouldn't go back on his promise. He wouldn't do that to her.

But he couldn't silence the small voice in the back of his mind.

What if it did make a difference? What if she'd been tied before, unable to share her feelings because she was a good person, because she wasnt' like that. She would never purposely do anything to hurt anyone, often sacrificing her own needs in the process, but that was Kelly. She was an angel. His angel.

He inhaled and shook his head, his hair jutting out in an untidy array, which suited him perfectly. Exhaling slowly he stood and pushed away from the lure of rebooting. The familiar twisting of his stomach told him he'd satisfied his masochistic interest for the time being. He'd had his fix, maybe even more this time. This time he'd learned something of vast importance. Vast importance to her.

In his pocket his phone vibrated. Picking it out he frowned at the face looking up at him. Even to this day, even after all the water had passed under the bridge, he couldn't help but hold some resentment towards his brother. If he hadn't become entangled in their strange web then maybe things could have ended differently.

But that wasn't being fair to Mikey. He hadn't known, Gerard hadn't told him so he didn't know she was off limits. Not until it was too late.

The vibrating stopped and Gerard slipped the phone away. He had no desire to talk to anyone at the moment. Well, anyone other than her, that was.

Crossing into the polished kitchen, he grabbed a cup and poured himself yet another coffee. He carried it thoughtfully back and sat himself on the black leather couch.

Even after all this time she was still able to have such a profound on him, it was madness. He knew when he walked away from her that she would forever haunt him but he couldn't have predicted how often he would ache for her.

He remembered back to the first few months without her. His erratic moods, deep depression, the recurring nightmares; it had been hell on earth, the only thing stopping him from reaching out to her was the lack of available technology.

After he'd written her he'd forced Brian to take his laptop. Without that he had no way of contacting her. Well, no immediate way.

He'd had a deep heart to heart with Mikey, begging him to help, pleading with him to walk away with him. He'd explained it all, laying it all out there for his brother to see and thankfully Mikey had agreed.

Gerard scoffed mirthlessly to himself at the image some of their fans seem to have of his little brother. If only they knew, he wasn't the timid push over they liked to imagine. He was far from it. But Gerard knew better than most that appearances can be so very deceptive. Not that Mikey was a tyrant, but he certainly wasn't a helpless soft touch either.

He leant his heavy head back and closed his eyes as he wished for the millionth time that things could be different. He'd had years to pick apart all his mistakes and right all the wrongs in his mind but his guilt and love never lessened. If only he hadn't fallen so hard, if only he'd been able to tell her what was in his dark heart, if only she hadn't been married.

His pocket began vibrating again and this time Gerard was glad for the distraction.

"Hey Mikey, what's up?"

He half listened as his brother chatted animatedly at him, but his mind was elsewhere and try as he might he couldn't disguise it.

"Gee?" Mikey sounded exasperated.

Gerard mentally shook himself, "Yeah, sorry, I was miles away."

"Yeah I noticed. What's up bro?"

Gerard bit his bottom lip, indecision plaguing his active mind. It had been almost as hard on Mikey as it had him, should he tell him what he'd found out? But Mikey was happily married now, he hadn't moped over her for long, he'd moved on with his life. He doubted it would throw his brothers' life in to turmoil the way it would his. He sipped his coffee.

"I'm tired, been trying to work on my sketches but I can'At keep my head in the game y'know?"

He didn't want Mikey to know. His spiteful streak ran deep and he knew that it was pathetic but his inner child refused to tell Mikey what he'd found out. He didn't need to know and Gerard couldn't bring himself to share the information. So instead he lied.

"You need to take a break, come over; I've got something to show you." Mikey babbled happily.

Gerard sighed quietly and sat up. "Sure, give me an hour though okay?"

Mikey agreed and hung up. Gerard downed the rest of his coffee and wandered back to his laptop. He was frustrated; he had things he needed to say.

Whilst the laptop rebooted he filled his coffee cup once more and lit up a cigarette. His last two vices, coffee and nicotine.

Taking them both over to the glass table he sat down and began to type.



Kelly.

Angel.

It's been almost two years and it's not getting any easier. I'm surviving in this world but I can't live, not without you. I don't want to. Though you'd never know, I put on a good show don't I? Years of practice.

I've been watching you, I've tried not to but I can't help myself. I watch you from a distance and I long to speak up, step out of the shadows but I can't.

Would you forgive me if I did? Would you welcome me back? I wouldn't deserve it if you did.

I was online today. I have a secret account, one that I use to watch you without you knowing. I can almost hear you laughing now, yeah the irony of me stalking you. You'd like that, you'd spend hours ridiculing me if you knew wouldn't you? Well, maybe not now, but once upon a time you would have done.

I saw that you'd changed your profile and I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I wish I could be there, support you like the friend you deserve, like you would if the roles were reversed. Like you did. God I hate this. But I promised I'd leave you alone to get on with your life and besides which, I don't know if you'd want me back. Up until now things seem to have gone pretty well for you without me dragging you down.

This is torture.

I'm in agony here. All I want to do is tell you how much I miss you still and how each day my love grows rather than diminishes. I want you more now than I ever thought possible and knowing that you're out there hurting is killing me. I want to be your knight in shining armor. I told you that one day I would be, maybe now is the time for me to keep that promise?

But to keep one I'd have to break another.

I'm still selfish, still very self absorbed. What was it you called me? Self centered? Yeah. I'm still that, I haven't changed.

But you have. You were young and naive when I met you and God I loved it. When my world was full of insincere, greedy people you stood there and bared your soul. You didn't pretend to be something you're not; you were just you - sweet, sincere and angelic.

And now look at you.

Your photos take my breath away. I look at the people in them with you and I burn with jealousy. Especially him. I despise him, even more now. At least before I could picture you happy and most of your happiness was because of him. But now that's changed I can hate him from the depths of my core and feel justified in doing so.

I want to cut out his heart for the pain he's causing you. But it's not my place. I have no claim on you. Only the fictitious one in my mind.

I'm sorry, I honestly am. All I wanted for you was happiness and health. I hope you can move on from this and find the person you deserve. Someone as perfect as you are. I wish I were that person.

I still can't quite understand why this is so shocking to me. Marriages break up all the time and it's not like it makes any difference to me. But it's rocked me.

And again I selfishly want to be the one who comforts you. I want you to come looking for me, ask me to soothe your cares away. I'm happy because you’re heart is broken. What kind of a sick fuck am I?

I'm just a man in love. A man who can travel the world in a week and never find anything that comes close to your beauty. A man who is condemned to write these pointless letters that I'll never send because I'm so eaten up by my unrequited love and egocentric attitude.

I tried therapy - I told you I would and I did, just for you. It didn't help so I wrote songs. We have a new album coming out. Do you follow the band still or did I kill that for you too?

I wrote a song for you. It's on the album. I hope you hear it. I have a stupid fantasy that you'll listen to it and know the meaning behind the words. But why would you? And even if you did piece it together you probably hate me too. But it's true, every word. Without you is how I disappear. Why do you think the new album is The Black Parade instead of My Chem.? Because I don't exist anymore. Without you I am nothing.

I'm wavering.

I need you too much.

Please. Please listen and understand. If you contacted me then I wouldn't be breaking the only promise I ever kept. Oh God, please.

Eternally yours.

G

xo