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Chapter 3 Aishiteru

“Heero.” Duo started not knowing what to really say.
“Yes, Duo.” Heero turned his eyes back to Duo and locked their gazes. Duo could not decide whether it would be easier to say what he had to say with Heero’s beautiful gaze reminding him of what he could not have or if it would be harder. Then again, Duo did not even know what he had to say. His mind raced, grasping for anything. Maybe I just need to stop thinking and simply talk.
“I saw you with Relena.” Duo blurted out. Gee, that was a great idea.
“I know. Natalie told us about it.” Heero said.
“I ran away.” Duo blurted again. Sheesh! I’m like a little kid! Not that it’s any easier with Mr. Talkative struggling to get a word in.
“Why?” Heero asked him.
“Because…I…” Duo was at a loss for words. How could he tell Heero that he had run because he loved Heero and could not take seeing Heero kiss someone else.
“Duo, what exactly did you see?” Heero prompted him seeing that Duo was struggling with some thought or another.
“I saw you lock lips with Aunt Lena.” Duo said in a mocking and hurt-filled tone.
“She kissed me. I did not kiss her.” Heero stated in his monotone.
Duo was silent, digesting what Heero had said. “No, I saw it, you…well…” Uh oh, he’s right. I hate to admit it but she reached up to him. He didn’t try to stop her though… “You didn’t stop her!”
It was painfully aware, at least to Duo, that he was acting like a school boy who had just caught his girl with someone else. Duo even found himself pouting and had to concentrate hard to stop the automatic reflex. He watched as Heero’s eyes changed slightly, softened. The light was still there, but now it was brighter, triumphant. Angrily, Duo realized that he was once again beginning to hope.
“Women are fragile, you should know that. I could not just fling her away, but I did not kiss her back.” Heero said patiently.
“You…you didn’t?” Duo asked. When he realized how he sounded, Duo tried to cover it, “Why not? You like her don’t you?”
Heero sighed and Duo could swear it was from exasperation. “Like her, yes. Love her, no.”
“So what happened?” Duo asked. How did I become so kid sounding? No, not kid, but jealous sounding. Don’t let him figure it out. Duo silently prayed even as he knew Heero would have to be an idiot not to realize what Duo’s actions meant.
“She kissed me. I told her I did not love her. Natalie ran up to us and told us you were hurt. I told her to find Quatre and Triton and tell them. They met me and searched for you. We found you here, passed out with an empty bottle of tequila and attempted to wake you. Mission accomplished.”
Heero’s monotone had the same effect on Duo as the remembered sounds of Deathscythe’s engines, comfort. He had said everything in an objective manner as though it had been someone else. Duo found that much, much easier to respond to. At least he would have if Duo could think.
“Oh,…” Was all Duo could manage.
Silence fell upon the room. Duo wondered what to say next. He wondered if Heero had guessed his secret. He wondered if Heero would hate him because of the way he felt. He wondered if Heero would get up and leave before Duo could say anything. Duo was so lost in thought, he almost did not hear Heero’s whisper.
“Huh?”
“I said…” Heero began with a look of annoyed patience, “aishiteru.”
“What does that mean anyway?” Duo asked a little annoyed himself. Why would Heero bring that word up at a time like this?
“It means…I…love you.”
Heero averted his gaze as though he was the gay one who had just confessed his love. Wait a minute…isn’t that what he just did? A confused voice inside of Duo whispered to him. Duo looked at Heero with his mouth hanging open in the classic “WHAT?” position. Heero kept his eyes averted, suddenly very interested in the fire. Duo reached out to touch his cheek. No, not Duo, but Duo’s body. It was as though something had taken over, something was inside of him reaching through Duo’s body to make him reach out and touch Heero’s cheek. It was a feeling, the same feeling that had made Duo call Heero and invite him over for Christmas.
When the feeling controlling Duo reached out and touched Heero’s cheek, Duo was aware of being outside, like he was temporarily kicked out of his body. There was an eerie sense of watching himself and Heero from across the room. Duo could see the red upholstered chair his body was sitting in. There was a black stand next to him with a lamp on it and a book, no doubt for when Quatre had time to read and relax. Heero was kneeling on the beautiful oriental carpet in front of Duo’s body. The forgotten bottle of tequila sitting wedged in between Duo’s leg and the side of the chair. Somewhere in Duo’s mind, the thought that he should be able to feel the bottle, feel his fingers touching Heero, crept into Duo’s consciousness, but try as he might he could not. The feeling was still in control and Duo was still kicked out to watch from across the room.
“You mean that?” Duo’s body asked with Duo’s voice.
“…” Heero remained silent but the light in his eyes was shining brighter than ever. (Translation for those of you who don’t speak dot: What do you think?)
“How long?” Duo’s body asked.
“Does it matter?” Heero asked.
No, it did not matter, not to Duo anyway. Duo saw his body shake his head. What really mattered was Heero had said it, admitted it, and now it was Duo’s turn. He did not feel it would be right for only his body to tell Heero, but he could not figure out how to get back to his body. I demand to be let back in, back in control! Duo thought viciously and almost immediately there he was. He was seeing out of his own eyes again, looking into Heero’s luminous Prussian orbs. The heat in the room was intense, and the seriousness of the moment pressed on Duo making him silent. He and Heero just stared at each other, one waiting to hear something, the other waiting to be able to say it. Duo could feel himself drifting away from his body again and snapped out of the silence. No! I will be the one to say it, not a shell!
“I have been waiting forever to hear you say that. God! I’ve loved you for so long.” Duo said and realized he was quoting some movie or other that Hilde had made him watch. It was the woman’s line, but it just seemed to fit so perfectly. “There’s just one thing more I don’t understand.”
“…” (Translation for those of you who don’t speak dot: What?)
“The knife, I don’t get the knife.” Duo said amazed it could still be bugging him at a time like this. “Where does the knife fit in?”
“It’s the one from the mission. The one you used to save my life. It’s important because that was the mission I realized…I really did love you. Until then I’d been confused, emotions are like that.”
“But the blade, it can’t be the same knife.” Duo exclaimed.
Heero gave a sigh and shook his head slightly. “I’ve fixed it up. It was important to me. It is the reminder of when I first admitted what I felt to myself.”
Heero had just showed Duo more raw emotion than Duo could ever remember him showing before. That pleased Duo to no end. The hand on Heero’s cheek moved to cup his jaw line. Duo rubbed his thumb gently over Heero’s lips and watched Heero’s eyes darken and yet glow bright with a light from within. The same light Duo had noticed before only now he knew what it meant. Heero’s arms snaked around Duo’s waist and pulled him forward. It was good Heero knew what he wanted and was able to move, Duo felt like he could have been a rag doll. Duo was pulled forward out of the chair and onto his knees before Heero. He kept tracing the lines of Heero’s lips with one hand and placed the other on Heero’s chest. The hard planes of Heero’s muscled chest rose and fell irregularly, and now that he was close Duo could feel Heero’s breath, heavy and ragged against him.
Resting on his knees in front of Heero, Duo moved his arm until he could feel the smoothness of Heero’s back and shoulders. He could feel it right through the tight suit Quatre had given Heero wear. Heero’s eyes had not once left Duo’s, but his hands had gone from Duo’s waist and roamed up his back pressing Duo ever closer to him. Heero pressed Duo against him until the thumb that was tracing Heero’s lips was so close that Duo could feel it against his own lips as it passed by. Having rocked back on the floor, and with his constant, slow pressure, Heero had maneuvered Duo off his feet so that he was straddling Heero’s lap slightly. Letting Heero take his weight completely, Duo sat straddling Heero fully. The downward movement was enough to bring their lips together.
The kiss was sweet, it was intense, it was passionate, it made Duo’s head spin painfully with the tequila still affecting him, but Duo did not want it to stop. Heero held Duo close to him in a crushing embrace and seemed to inhale him. Duo got the distinct feeling that Heero had starved for him, was kissing him with the passion with which a parched man might drink. Heero’s lips moved delicately on his own at first, unsure of whether the contact was welcome, but Duo encouraged it. Duo held Heero just as tightly and drank from him just as thirstily. After a while he was unsure of who was the most starved. As the kiss deepened and each let their feelings for the other fully emerge they seemed to devour one another. Duo was scared to move his body for fear that Heero would stop. His arms were behind Heero, clamped on Heero’s shoulders like a drowning man to a life preserver. In a way, Heero was his life preserver, the reason Duo had been able to keep hope alive the last few miserable months of his life.
Everything was forgotten as he and Heero explored their feelings that night. Duo could hardly believe that finally, after all this time, his god was with him. They eventually got up and made it to the couch to cuddle and watch the fire. Heero fell asleep first, holding Duo as though he would vanish, maybe even afraid that it had all been a dream. Duo was tucked under Heero’s one arm watching the light play across his features. The face that seemed to be glued behind the mask of the perfect soldier was very peaceful in sleep. Once Duo had tried to get up to get a glass of brandy, but Heero had frowned in his sleep and held Duo tighter. Not wanting Heero to wake up or be anything but peaceful in sleep, Duo snuggled back into Heero’s side and was content. He fell asleep for the second time that night, only this time he was drowsy with love and Heero’s body warmth instead of the artificial comfort of late night tequila, and that was just fine with Duo. More than fine, things were perfect.
“Now this is what I call a happy new year.”