Categories > Anime/Manga > Yu Yu Hakusho
The Truth
Hiei placed his glass down on the bar and glanced to his left. A red-haired woman sat there, wearing a simple black dress and black heels. She wasn't looking at him, but rather studying the wall of the bar in front of her. Hiei looked away as the bartender poured him another glass, and he drained it before looking back at the woman.
Hiei was not drunk. It was difficult for demons to become drunk from human alcohol, so he came to Demon World for some of the real stuff.[1] Dragon's Breath. Frozen Whiskey. That sort of thing. But he wasn't drunk, not yet. It was only 8:00pm, of course he wasn't drunk.
As for two hours in the future...he couldn't be sure. Life was a simple blur these days. Between few opportunities to strike his rage out on criminals and constant bickering from Kili, his head was always spinning. So weekend nights, sure, he liked to go out for a drink. Kili didn't want to go, that was fine with him.
She had accompanied him several times, but often grew tired of dragging him home while he blathered like an idiot (or so she said—Hiei could never remember these transactions clearly) and then putting up with his grouchiness and anger in the morning. Hiei could relate, but at the same time, that wasn't going to stop him. That miserable cow wasn't going to keep his lips off the gin.
He felt a pang of guilt at what he called Kili. He did still care for her, that much was certain. She was the only thing worth living for at this point in time. He lived for the thrill of the fight before her, but that thrill was wearing out quickly. There weren't enough demons in the world to make his adrenaline pump anymore. And after Kili? his mind seemed to whisper within the throes of the early morning hangover.
After her, I'll live for the drink, Hiei always thought, before tossing his head back to absorb another shot. He generally took whatever was on tap with a side of whatever was for sale, and sometimes with a dash of whatever was the special. Kili called him an alcoholic, and he outright laughed in her face.
As if demons could be as susceptible as humans to addiction. Sure, he did know demon druggies, begging for that last bit, that last high, but he was nothing like that. He only went out on weekends, he got violent, and he went to work. So what the fuck was the problem?
She's too uptight, that's the problem, Hiei thought as the red-head ordered demon venom and vodka. That was a common combination in Demon World, sometimes called a Stroker, because if you had an ulcer while you drank the stuff, you were bound to wake up in hell wondering what the fuck had happened.
Not only is she uptight, she's a fucking prude. Hiei's mind wandered on its own as the red-head looked at him again. She had glorious blue eyes, and they were staring right at him. Hell, right through him, maybe, to a more handsome gentleman on the other side of the bar. But the red-head moved a stool over so that there was only one between them, and Hiei kept on staring at her captivating blue eyes.
"I'm Mya." The red-head smiled politely, and Hiei shook her hand, while the bartender poured yet another shot into his glass. He then slid the Stroker to Mya and walked away.
"Hiei," he grunted, and looked back at his drink before shooting it.
"You're here alone?" Mya asked, seemingly innocent, as the bartender trotted on over, bored.
"He usually is." The 'tender grinned, nodding to Hiei, who grunted.
"Sometimes come in with a human, but generally alone 'til closing time. Always stone drunk by the end of the night." Hiei glared at the demon, who looked faintly human except for his flaming red skin. The bartender frowned, and walked away to attend to another customer.
"He's got a big mouth, huh?" Mya nudged Hiei's shoulder with an elbow. He grunted again. She grinned, taking a drink of her Stroker.
"So, this human girl...is she, like, your woman?" Mya drifted off, allowing Hiei to gather his thoughts before answering. Which, of course, he needed to.
"A woman, not mine. Not anyone's. A stallion," he said weakly.
"A stallion, hm?" Mya didn't look at him, instead smiling slightly to herself. Her voice was very feminine, but deep in a comforting way. Hiei liked it, but preferred Kili's dulcet tones. "A girl like that is worth holding on to."
Hiei looked at Mya, a little surprised, and was rushed by her face pressing in on his. Suddenly, she was kissing him, and all thoughts of Kili slipped away behind a fine layer of mist and terrible memories that the drink always brought to the forefront of his mind.
They danced in his consciousness, waiting until he was most vulnerable, and then bam, struck him like lighting. The feeling of falling, falling from a high cliff with a woman screaming his name and the cold wind blowing all around—
Mya pulled away from the short little demon and smirked. He was out of it, almost completely, and yet conscious enough to make an effort at it. And he might remember it, too. In fact, she would make sure he'd remember. It was always hard to forget a red-head.
"Come on, let's get away from here, the smoke is making me nauseous." She pulled Hiei up by his cloak, and he began walking, his mind cloudy. He was blissfully unaware of where Mya was taking him, unaware of the sounds and sights and smells, he could only focus on what was going on inside him, and inside him was turmoil.
Memories flashed by in seconds, his entire life like a movie in his head. Being young, being so lonely his heart felt as though it would burst from the pain, then the very real pain of the Jagan, and the indecision he still, even now, felt about getting it—did it make his life better, or worse? Did it make him happier to see Yukina and never be able to speak to her, or make his misery all the more potent?
Meeting Yusuke, the humiliation of being defeated by such a fool, the comradeship that came with fighting alongside Yusuke and Kurama (and maybe even Kuwabara), the feelings of love and deep, deep understanding (tainted by come-and-go feelings of dislike and sometimes even hatred that he feared would result in violence) for Kili, and a lot of other god damn things he didn't understand and probably never would. Mya dragged the poor wasted demon to a motel. "Cliché, I know," she grinned to Hiei, who was not listening one bit. The next thing he remembered was extreme exhilaration, followed by exhaustion, and then a massive hangover.
And then—what always followed a pounding headache and slight nausea—guilt. Pure, unadulterated guilt that felt as though he would rather tear out his spleen than endure it a moment longer.
For the next week, Hiei did not drink, but he knew exactly what he and Mya had done, no doubt about it. She'd left a napkin in his pocket with a lip print and "Mya 555-0348."[2] He ripped it to shreds the first conscious moment he got.
His guilt about cheating on Kili—the word was so foreign in his head; he'd heard it millions of times in the Human World, but never had once believed it would apply to him—was very heavy, and it affected his actions, which Kili noticed the moment she saw him.
He was drawn, distant, and not as drunk as normal. The evidence began stacking up, and Kili, as naive as she was, knew something was wrong. Something amiss, like a slightly rotten egg or tainted chocolate.
And so, a week and a few days after his trot into other-womanly waters, Hiei sat across from Kili, his love, his life, his source of pain and guilt for the past days. He couldn't even look her in the eye, let alone speak to her. Let alone tell her what he had done.
So here we are—we are alone.
There's weight on your mind
And I want to know the truth.
If this is how you feel,
Say it me if this was ever real.
"Hiei, I know there's something wrong with you. What is it? You can tell me, you know I'll listen. Whatever it is, please just tell me." Her voice was far away, and yet, grating to his ears, like having his organs gouged out with a spoon.
She seemed almost hysterical, definitely desperate, for some sort of connection. He was breaking her heart, he knew, but what else could he do? He'd made a mistake—the word was much too weak for this atrocity, but he couldn't think of another one—a terrible one, and now he had to pay.
Only it wasn't him paying, it was her. Fuck, why was he so stupid? It was true that he hadn't been completely coherent at the time, but that shouldn't have stopped him...it had never stopped him resisting someone before...
I want the truth from you.
Give me the truth even if hurts me.
I want the truth from you.
Give me the truth even if it hurts me.
I want the truth.
He glanced at her face once, and instantly regretted it. Her eyes were full of tears, her face pink in a flushed tone. "Hiei!" She shouted, and he didn't move. He wanted to answer her, comfort her and tell her everything was fine, he'd just screwed a stranger but everything was great. But he couldn't.
He couldn't live with himself, and while he knew he wasn't thinking of her—that's your problem, you only care about yourself—it couldn't be helped. She wanted the truth; he'd have to give it, somehow. She was almost crying now, basically begging. Hurt me, Hiei, he could hear her whispering. Break my god damn heart.
What was he supposed to say to that? If life was that easy, he'd be dead. What did she want? She wanted the truth, obviously. But did she really want that, or did she want to be told that everything was fine, even if it wasn't? He thought about using the Jagan, but realized she would know, and then she might even stop talking to him. Why was she so fucking hard to read?
So this is you; you're talking to me.
You've found a million ways to let me down
So I'm not hurt when you're not around.
I was blind but now I see
This is how you feel.
Just say it to me if this was ever real.
"If you won't tell me what's happened, I'll never speak to you again," she said quietly, and he could tell from just her voice, she meant it. Could he live with that? With never speaking to her again? But anything seemed better than those four words—I cheated on you, Kili, I cheated on you—and saying them was like a death sentence.
His silence would end their relationship; his speaking might end his life. He couldn't conceive never seeing her again, never speaking to her again, never telling her his dreams and fears and hopes and wishes. Never hearing her own.
And then, behind Kili's head, rose a greater evil than any he had ever known. A terrible cloud, dark as the moonless night and thick as glass...the drink. Always there, always beckoning to him until he drank himself to death...
I want the truth from you.
Give me the truth even if it hurts me.
I want the truth from you.
Give me the truth even if it hurts me.
Kili watched Hiei's eyes fade back from her; the pain and fear in them dissolve like sugar in water. His mind was clouded; all he could think of was the next bottle, the next drop, the next sip, the next high. That cloud would always be there, over his shoulder, waiting for him to become weak enough to fade to it and drink.
Drink, drink, drink. Drink to your heart's content and leave it all behind. Leave her behind and come drink with me. Come have a beer with me, man, you're parched aren't you? His mind fluttered around frantically, trying to think of something to tell Kili, and he was defeated. His eyes closed. His heart sunk. There was nothing. Nothing left to say.
I know that this will break me.
I know that this might make me cry.
You've gotta say what's on your mind,
On your mind.
I know that this will hurt me
And break my heart and soul inside
But I don't want to live this lie.
"You have one minute, Hiei. Then I'm walking out and I'm never coming back," Kili said, her lip shivering in anticipation. In fear. What could he have to hide? He had told her everything, everything, and now...this.... But she could not stand to live one more day with him drunken, sullen, crying and sad. He might die without her, and she without him.
But what could she do? While Kili pondered her fate, Hiei did the same his. Lying would be worthless. It would probably make her angrier, make that cloud more welcoming...and suddenly, the cloud was his death hovering around his head. His beloved drink would kill him, he knew.
And escape from the cloud became more important than his feelings, than Kili's heart, than their relationship or the entire god damn planet. Whatever the cost, he had to get away from it. He had to escape the cloud. The cloud of alcoholism...it would kill him.
I want the truth from you.
Give me the truth even if it hurts me!
I want the truth from you!
Give me the truth even if it hurts!
I don't care no more, no!
Just give me the truth.
Give me the truth.
'Cause I don't care no more!
Give me the truth.
'Cause I don't care no more, no!
Hiei looked into Kili's eyes, sure his minute was almost up. He feared telling her, feared it more than anything. Well, almost. The only thing he feared more was that cloud, calling him nearer each second. And telling her was the only way to escape.
He couldn't lie, and he couldn't run, or he'd lose her, and die. Kili was the only thing between him and that cloud...if she was gone, he'd be all alone. Again. And he would die. So, despite his fears...
Just give me the truth.
Give me the truth.
Give me the truth.
Give me the truth.
Give me the truth.
'Cause I don't care no more, no!
"I'll tell you the truth."
[1] I completely made this up. I have no idea what the effects of alcohol on demons are...it would be an interesting experiment though, right?
[2] I'm fairly certain that demons don't have telephones. But how else is she going to keep in contact with him?
Hiei placed his glass down on the bar and glanced to his left. A red-haired woman sat there, wearing a simple black dress and black heels. She wasn't looking at him, but rather studying the wall of the bar in front of her. Hiei looked away as the bartender poured him another glass, and he drained it before looking back at the woman.
Hiei was not drunk. It was difficult for demons to become drunk from human alcohol, so he came to Demon World for some of the real stuff.[1] Dragon's Breath. Frozen Whiskey. That sort of thing. But he wasn't drunk, not yet. It was only 8:00pm, of course he wasn't drunk.
As for two hours in the future...he couldn't be sure. Life was a simple blur these days. Between few opportunities to strike his rage out on criminals and constant bickering from Kili, his head was always spinning. So weekend nights, sure, he liked to go out for a drink. Kili didn't want to go, that was fine with him.
She had accompanied him several times, but often grew tired of dragging him home while he blathered like an idiot (or so she said—Hiei could never remember these transactions clearly) and then putting up with his grouchiness and anger in the morning. Hiei could relate, but at the same time, that wasn't going to stop him. That miserable cow wasn't going to keep his lips off the gin.
He felt a pang of guilt at what he called Kili. He did still care for her, that much was certain. She was the only thing worth living for at this point in time. He lived for the thrill of the fight before her, but that thrill was wearing out quickly. There weren't enough demons in the world to make his adrenaline pump anymore. And after Kili? his mind seemed to whisper within the throes of the early morning hangover.
After her, I'll live for the drink, Hiei always thought, before tossing his head back to absorb another shot. He generally took whatever was on tap with a side of whatever was for sale, and sometimes with a dash of whatever was the special. Kili called him an alcoholic, and he outright laughed in her face.
As if demons could be as susceptible as humans to addiction. Sure, he did know demon druggies, begging for that last bit, that last high, but he was nothing like that. He only went out on weekends, he got violent, and he went to work. So what the fuck was the problem?
She's too uptight, that's the problem, Hiei thought as the red-head ordered demon venom and vodka. That was a common combination in Demon World, sometimes called a Stroker, because if you had an ulcer while you drank the stuff, you were bound to wake up in hell wondering what the fuck had happened.
Not only is she uptight, she's a fucking prude. Hiei's mind wandered on its own as the red-head looked at him again. She had glorious blue eyes, and they were staring right at him. Hell, right through him, maybe, to a more handsome gentleman on the other side of the bar. But the red-head moved a stool over so that there was only one between them, and Hiei kept on staring at her captivating blue eyes.
"I'm Mya." The red-head smiled politely, and Hiei shook her hand, while the bartender poured yet another shot into his glass. He then slid the Stroker to Mya and walked away.
"Hiei," he grunted, and looked back at his drink before shooting it.
"You're here alone?" Mya asked, seemingly innocent, as the bartender trotted on over, bored.
"He usually is." The 'tender grinned, nodding to Hiei, who grunted.
"Sometimes come in with a human, but generally alone 'til closing time. Always stone drunk by the end of the night." Hiei glared at the demon, who looked faintly human except for his flaming red skin. The bartender frowned, and walked away to attend to another customer.
"He's got a big mouth, huh?" Mya nudged Hiei's shoulder with an elbow. He grunted again. She grinned, taking a drink of her Stroker.
"So, this human girl...is she, like, your woman?" Mya drifted off, allowing Hiei to gather his thoughts before answering. Which, of course, he needed to.
"A woman, not mine. Not anyone's. A stallion," he said weakly.
"A stallion, hm?" Mya didn't look at him, instead smiling slightly to herself. Her voice was very feminine, but deep in a comforting way. Hiei liked it, but preferred Kili's dulcet tones. "A girl like that is worth holding on to."
Hiei looked at Mya, a little surprised, and was rushed by her face pressing in on his. Suddenly, she was kissing him, and all thoughts of Kili slipped away behind a fine layer of mist and terrible memories that the drink always brought to the forefront of his mind.
They danced in his consciousness, waiting until he was most vulnerable, and then bam, struck him like lighting. The feeling of falling, falling from a high cliff with a woman screaming his name and the cold wind blowing all around—
Mya pulled away from the short little demon and smirked. He was out of it, almost completely, and yet conscious enough to make an effort at it. And he might remember it, too. In fact, she would make sure he'd remember. It was always hard to forget a red-head.
"Come on, let's get away from here, the smoke is making me nauseous." She pulled Hiei up by his cloak, and he began walking, his mind cloudy. He was blissfully unaware of where Mya was taking him, unaware of the sounds and sights and smells, he could only focus on what was going on inside him, and inside him was turmoil.
Memories flashed by in seconds, his entire life like a movie in his head. Being young, being so lonely his heart felt as though it would burst from the pain, then the very real pain of the Jagan, and the indecision he still, even now, felt about getting it—did it make his life better, or worse? Did it make him happier to see Yukina and never be able to speak to her, or make his misery all the more potent?
Meeting Yusuke, the humiliation of being defeated by such a fool, the comradeship that came with fighting alongside Yusuke and Kurama (and maybe even Kuwabara), the feelings of love and deep, deep understanding (tainted by come-and-go feelings of dislike and sometimes even hatred that he feared would result in violence) for Kili, and a lot of other god damn things he didn't understand and probably never would. Mya dragged the poor wasted demon to a motel. "Cliché, I know," she grinned to Hiei, who was not listening one bit. The next thing he remembered was extreme exhilaration, followed by exhaustion, and then a massive hangover.
And then—what always followed a pounding headache and slight nausea—guilt. Pure, unadulterated guilt that felt as though he would rather tear out his spleen than endure it a moment longer.
For the next week, Hiei did not drink, but he knew exactly what he and Mya had done, no doubt about it. She'd left a napkin in his pocket with a lip print and "Mya 555-0348."[2] He ripped it to shreds the first conscious moment he got.
His guilt about cheating on Kili—the word was so foreign in his head; he'd heard it millions of times in the Human World, but never had once believed it would apply to him—was very heavy, and it affected his actions, which Kili noticed the moment she saw him.
He was drawn, distant, and not as drunk as normal. The evidence began stacking up, and Kili, as naive as she was, knew something was wrong. Something amiss, like a slightly rotten egg or tainted chocolate.
And so, a week and a few days after his trot into other-womanly waters, Hiei sat across from Kili, his love, his life, his source of pain and guilt for the past days. He couldn't even look her in the eye, let alone speak to her. Let alone tell her what he had done.
So here we are—we are alone.
There's weight on your mind
And I want to know the truth.
If this is how you feel,
Say it me if this was ever real.
"Hiei, I know there's something wrong with you. What is it? You can tell me, you know I'll listen. Whatever it is, please just tell me." Her voice was far away, and yet, grating to his ears, like having his organs gouged out with a spoon.
She seemed almost hysterical, definitely desperate, for some sort of connection. He was breaking her heart, he knew, but what else could he do? He'd made a mistake—the word was much too weak for this atrocity, but he couldn't think of another one—a terrible one, and now he had to pay.
Only it wasn't him paying, it was her. Fuck, why was he so stupid? It was true that he hadn't been completely coherent at the time, but that shouldn't have stopped him...it had never stopped him resisting someone before...
I want the truth from you.
Give me the truth even if hurts me.
I want the truth from you.
Give me the truth even if it hurts me.
I want the truth.
He glanced at her face once, and instantly regretted it. Her eyes were full of tears, her face pink in a flushed tone. "Hiei!" She shouted, and he didn't move. He wanted to answer her, comfort her and tell her everything was fine, he'd just screwed a stranger but everything was great. But he couldn't.
He couldn't live with himself, and while he knew he wasn't thinking of her—that's your problem, you only care about yourself—it couldn't be helped. She wanted the truth; he'd have to give it, somehow. She was almost crying now, basically begging. Hurt me, Hiei, he could hear her whispering. Break my god damn heart.
What was he supposed to say to that? If life was that easy, he'd be dead. What did she want? She wanted the truth, obviously. But did she really want that, or did she want to be told that everything was fine, even if it wasn't? He thought about using the Jagan, but realized she would know, and then she might even stop talking to him. Why was she so fucking hard to read?
So this is you; you're talking to me.
You've found a million ways to let me down
So I'm not hurt when you're not around.
I was blind but now I see
This is how you feel.
Just say it to me if this was ever real.
"If you won't tell me what's happened, I'll never speak to you again," she said quietly, and he could tell from just her voice, she meant it. Could he live with that? With never speaking to her again? But anything seemed better than those four words—I cheated on you, Kili, I cheated on you—and saying them was like a death sentence.
His silence would end their relationship; his speaking might end his life. He couldn't conceive never seeing her again, never speaking to her again, never telling her his dreams and fears and hopes and wishes. Never hearing her own.
And then, behind Kili's head, rose a greater evil than any he had ever known. A terrible cloud, dark as the moonless night and thick as glass...the drink. Always there, always beckoning to him until he drank himself to death...
I want the truth from you.
Give me the truth even if it hurts me.
I want the truth from you.
Give me the truth even if it hurts me.
Kili watched Hiei's eyes fade back from her; the pain and fear in them dissolve like sugar in water. His mind was clouded; all he could think of was the next bottle, the next drop, the next sip, the next high. That cloud would always be there, over his shoulder, waiting for him to become weak enough to fade to it and drink.
Drink, drink, drink. Drink to your heart's content and leave it all behind. Leave her behind and come drink with me. Come have a beer with me, man, you're parched aren't you? His mind fluttered around frantically, trying to think of something to tell Kili, and he was defeated. His eyes closed. His heart sunk. There was nothing. Nothing left to say.
I know that this will break me.
I know that this might make me cry.
You've gotta say what's on your mind,
On your mind.
I know that this will hurt me
And break my heart and soul inside
But I don't want to live this lie.
"You have one minute, Hiei. Then I'm walking out and I'm never coming back," Kili said, her lip shivering in anticipation. In fear. What could he have to hide? He had told her everything, everything, and now...this.... But she could not stand to live one more day with him drunken, sullen, crying and sad. He might die without her, and she without him.
But what could she do? While Kili pondered her fate, Hiei did the same his. Lying would be worthless. It would probably make her angrier, make that cloud more welcoming...and suddenly, the cloud was his death hovering around his head. His beloved drink would kill him, he knew.
And escape from the cloud became more important than his feelings, than Kili's heart, than their relationship or the entire god damn planet. Whatever the cost, he had to get away from it. He had to escape the cloud. The cloud of alcoholism...it would kill him.
I want the truth from you.
Give me the truth even if it hurts me!
I want the truth from you!
Give me the truth even if it hurts!
I don't care no more, no!
Just give me the truth.
Give me the truth.
'Cause I don't care no more!
Give me the truth.
'Cause I don't care no more, no!
Hiei looked into Kili's eyes, sure his minute was almost up. He feared telling her, feared it more than anything. Well, almost. The only thing he feared more was that cloud, calling him nearer each second. And telling her was the only way to escape.
He couldn't lie, and he couldn't run, or he'd lose her, and die. Kili was the only thing between him and that cloud...if she was gone, he'd be all alone. Again. And he would die. So, despite his fears...
Just give me the truth.
Give me the truth.
Give me the truth.
Give me the truth.
Give me the truth.
'Cause I don't care no more, no!
"I'll tell you the truth."
[1] I completely made this up. I have no idea what the effects of alcohol on demons are...it would be an interesting experiment though, right?
[2] I'm fairly certain that demons don't have telephones. But how else is she going to keep in contact with him?
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