FicWad

Mary-Sue Syndrome

Though you had known Yusuke Urameshi and Kazuma Kuwabara and all their friends since kindergarten, it had been during middle school that you became much closer to them. This was after you had been attacked by a green-skinned creature and had shot some sort of crazy purple light out of your hands, instantly incinerating the creature, which you came to know as a demon.

It turned out that, though you were only a human, you had an unusual amount of spiritual awareness, and had managed to use your spiritual energy when in danger. Kuwabara had seen you destroy the demon, and had explained to you that he had the same sort of powers.

He and Yusuke had introduced you to Koenma, the prince of Spirit World, and from there you had gone into training under an old psychic and Yusuke's mentor, Genkai. Your life had been turned upside down in mere minutes, and yet, you'd never really had trouble adjusting to it, because you were, as most said, crazy enough on your own.

You lived with your father and younger sister during the school year, and that summer you had moved to Genkai's to better train. You'd bonded with Yusuke and Kuwabara and Kurama and all their friends, Botan, Keiko (whom you'd already known for some time) and Yukina and Shizuru and a strange demon named Hiei who rarely spoke to you but to insult you. You didn't mind, though, because he was pretty funny when insulting you and everyone else.

At this point the summer was over and you had moved back home, to the happiness of your family. You'd started school again, and yet you still trained with Genkai often, usually every other school day and the entire weekend. Your life was strange, which fit you perfectly, because you were strange. You enjoyed laughing loudly, you enjoyed being sarcastic and witty, and you enjoyed being hella random at the same time.

Despite the fact that you spent all your time around boys, you'd never had a boyfriend. Despite the fact that you were a really nice and funny person, you'd never had a real best friend until Yusuke and Kuwabara. And despite the fact that your life was busy and lonely, you'd never complained once—a sunny disposition always lit your face; it was just who you were. You were perfectly content most of the time.

So, when walking to Genkai's one Friday afternoon, you were pleased to see that a fair of some sort was going on at a lot near Genkai's.[1] Bored, and a bit early to be getting there, you decided to mosey around the fair for a while. You walked between the tents, seeing nothing that really drew your interest.

You could smell fried octopus and boiling rice, but you weren't hungry, so you moved over to what appeared to be a fortune-telling tent, with a woman in a heavy skirt and blouse trying to usher people in. She grabbed your arm as you passed, and so, for fun, you obliged to going into the tent. She sat you across from her, and you took a look around the tent. It was very small and very dark, something like a closet or coffin.

There was nothing in it but a small table and two chairs across the table from one another. And of course, there was a crystal ball on the table in front of you, glowing with an eerie blue light. The woman, who had a large nose and long nails, waved her hands over the crystal ball and peered into it. You tried not to laugh at the deep concentration that she was trying so hard to keep; her attempts at acting were quite ridiculous.

"I see a deep, deep anger in your soul. Someone has wronged you?" She asked, and you grinned.

"Nope." She glared at you, and then quickly refocused her gaze into the ball. You could see nothing of interest in there; whatever was making it glow could not be seen from where you sat. And it certainly didn't see into your heart or anyone else's.

"Ah, I was mistaken. It is not anger, but envy. There is something your heart desires that a friend has?" She asked, and you chuckled.

"Not likely, cinnamon-buns." She glared at you once again, and then looked back into the ball, eyes reflecting the light that so disturbed you.

"My mistake. I see...it is not envy, it is passion. There is a man in your life whom you love deeply," she stated, confident that she'd finally hit the nail on the head.

This time, you couldn't help but laugh out loud. "Lady, I've never felt passion in my entire life. I guess your crystal ball is broken. Get the MayTag repairman to fix it, god knows he needs something to fix." You stood up and left the tent, still laughing. You left the fair right after, still smiling as you made your way to Genkai's. Meanwhile, the lady in the tent glowered at her crystal ball, poking it with a long and gnarled finger.

"Perhaps it is broken...no matter. That impudent child shall pay for insulting me." She grasped the crystal ball in her hands, and inside it, a picture came up of you smiling and walking to Genkai's.

She grinned down at the scene and began whispering to it, her lips brushing the crystal ball. She spoke a language too archaic and too lost for us to comprehend, but what she was doing was an easy enough concept to understand. This fortune-teller was cursing you.

You walked to Genkai's feeling happy, as usual. The fortune-teller hadn't rattled your cage; it was true that you hadn't ever been hurt by anyone, and you'd never seriously felt jealous of anyone else, and you'd never been in love. You weren't saddened by the notion. Two of those emotions were negative, and the third...well, you simply didn't have time or need to fret over why you'd never been in love with someone. You couldn't force it, after all, and you had always thought that the emotion would strike when it did.

There was nothing you could do about it, or about the lack of it. At any rate, you climbed the steps to Genkai's in record time, eager at the thought of telling Yusuke about the fortune-teller and how much of a hack she was. But before you were halfway across the space between the stairs and Genkai's main temple, Yusuke and Kuwabara came running out of the temple, straight at you.

You raised an eyebrow and looked over your shoulder, checking for demons. You turned back around just as they reached you. They actually dove almost simultaneously, pinning you to the ground. Kuwabara got a strong grip on your upper arm and Yusuke's arms wrapped around your waist, both of them burying their faces in your skin. "What the fuck is going on?" You shouted at them, but they didn't answer you immediately.

Kuwabara stood, pulling you with him, and he took your hand, kissing it. Yusuke yanked himself up and tugged you away from Kuwabara quickly, glaring at the taller boy. "She's mine!" Yusuke shouted, pulling you roughly. You gave him the most bewildered look you'd ever given anyone, and that's saying something.

"SPORK!" You shouted in pain, as Kuwabara yanked on your arm, nearly pulling it out of the socket—you were quite sure that you heard it pop.

"I saw her first!" He yelled, glaring at Yusuke.

"Okay, what the hell is this? Did someone declare it 'Abuse the Ferret Day,' or what?" You yelled, as they began a tugging match, nearly pulling you apart. Kuwabara laughed loudly.

"Oh, honey, you're so funny!" He laughed and pulled again.

You glared at him. "Kurama, Genkai!" You yelled, trying to pull yourself out of their grasps, but Yusuke grabbed onto your leg, sprawling onto the floor.

"Don't leave me! Let's have sex!" He yelled, and you whirled, disgusted.

"YUSUKE!" You yelled, trying to pry his hands off of your ankle. "I AM GOING TO SNIFF A SQUIRREL!"

You turned and began to run away, Yusuke still holding onto your foot and slowing you down considerably. Kuwabara followed closely behind before diving at you again, pinning you on your stomach under him.

"You are the funniest person I have ever met!" He yelled into your ear, causing you to clench your fists in pain.

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY!" You yelled, just as Genkai and Kurama finally exited the temple.

They took in the scene for a moment before Kurama ran to you, and you held out your hand so that he could grab it. He did so, pulling you smoothly out from under Kuwabara and yanking you out of Yusuke's grasp, before sweeping you into his arms soundlessly and smiling down at you, his eyes flashing mysteriously.

"You are a creature worthy of the angels," he breathed, his face nearing yours. You stuck out your tongue and blew a raspberry at him before twisting out of his grasp.

"What in the hell is going on here?" You shouted, looking at all three of the boys, who were closing in on you again, looking ready to either cry or fight each other for your hand.

Genkai raised an eyebrow at their antics, and you turned to her desperately, looking for any advice. Her head turned to the side, and she said softly, "Hiei's coming. Hopefully he will be able to tell us more about whatever is happening..."

You looked to where she was looking, and in a flash, you were no longer standing next to her. Suddenly, you were being carried through the air, strong arms holding you. You knew it was Hiei because that was the only thing that made sense, and when you landed ungracefully at the base of tree, you were convinced. He threw you onto the ground quite unceremoniously.

"What did you do?" He snapped, looking at you angrily. You shrugged.

"Nothing! They suddenly decided to start attacking me," you said, ignoring how ridiculous it sounded. Hiei quirked an eyebrow, his interest piqued for the day.

"What have you done to them?" He asked, quite sure that whatever was wrong with your friends was your fault. You raised your hands defensively.

"Nothing! I didn't hurt them, I swear, Mr. Snoogles," you whispered, and he growled at the nickname which he hated so very much. He drew his katana—a sure way to get you to stop doing whatever you were currently doing to annoy him.

"HIEI!" You shrieked, rolling in the grass to dodge his sword's stroke. You had been hit one too many times with the blade to control yourself when it was in sight. You knew you were much slower than he was, but that didn't stop you from running back to Genkai's temple, waving your arms in the air and screaming about rabid lizards.[2]

Hiei followed slowly, enjoying the hunt, and smirking. You ran past Genkai and into the temple, not noticing that Genkai was trying to comfort Kuwabara, who was balling about your being kidnapped by Hiei.

Kurama was nowhere to be found, probably out looking for you, and Yusuke was running around the perimeter of the trees screaming your name. You entered the temple at top speed and began running down the halls, not particularly paying attention to where you were going. You hoped that you could find Yukina and she could talk some sense into those morons!

Unfortunately, you had, as usual, underestimated Kurama's intelligence, so when you entered the hall that led to the kitchen, you were quickly pushed up against the wall by the fox, who had inadvertently switched into his stronger demon form, which you had only seen a few times. His hair was now waist-length and silver, and his eyes were a pretty golden-brown color.

They weren't really pretty, though, when they were giving you that look. He was smirking down at you, his hands on either side of your head. "Your scent is irresistible," he said softly, and bent to kiss you.

You ducked at the last moment, employing the technique yet again, and his lips hit the wall. You slid down and quickly crawled away, hoping he wouldn't be able to tell the difference between you and the wall. As Yoko turned to try and capture you again, Yukina walked into the hallway, saving you. You jumped up and ran for her, hiding behind the small demon while Yoko turned, furious and searching.

"Where is she?" He demanded, glaring at Yukina. Apparently, in his rage, he couldn't see you sitting right there. She shrugged, deciding to help you out. Yoko roared, his claws coming out in seconds.

"What have you done with her? I'll kill you all!" He ran out of the temple, and you sighed audibly.[3] Yukina turned to see you crouching on your knees and smiling foolishly.

"Those silly tater-tots," you grinned, and stood up, brushing yourself off. They really needed to clean the floors in here...

Outside, you could hear Kuwabara's screams of misery, you could hear Yusuke still frantically calling your name, and you could sense Yoko moving around quickly, crazily, without any real regard as to where he was. Hiei and Genkai were probably watching with extremely amused looks on their faces.

If they weren't so freaking crazy they may have thought to sense you out, but obviously they weren't in their right minds. Which minds were they in, then? The wrong ones, or the left ones? As you stroked your chin to think it through, Yukina gave you a look and you sweat-dropped. "Sorry about that. For some reason all the water buffaloes are acting strangely today. They can't leave me alone! Except Hiei, of course, who is as anti-social as ever."

As you spoke, Botan and Keiko entered the temple looking for you. "_____, there you are! Yusuke's looking for you," Keiko stated, and you let out a 'peep' and hid behind Yukina again. She smiled helplessly at the other two girls who pulled you out from behind her and gave you some looks.

"What's going on? Are you okay?" Botan asked, and you stared, wide-eyed, at the open door.

"SHUT THE DOOR! DON'T LET THE POMPADOURS IN!" You screeched, diving for the door.[4] With a bang, it slammed shut, and you sat against it, breathing heavily. "Dear cheese and rice..." You muttered, and the girls gave you more confused looks, but they were used to this sort of behavior from you.

"Why is everyone looking for you out there when you're in here?" Keiko asked. You shrugged.

"You'd think they'd realize that I'm in here...or that they'd sense me in here..."

Suddenly, you heard, "HEY, WAIT A SECOND!" And Kuwabara slashed a giant hole through the wall next to you with his Spirit Sword.

"STOP MESSING UP MY TEMPLE!" Genkai yelled from outside, and Kuwabara grinned as he saw you, sitting with your mouth open in horror and recognition.

"She was in here the whole time!" Kuwabara yelled, and stepped near you. You shrieked and wiggled away from him, your eyes staring unblinkingly into his face.

"OH DEAR GOD! SOMEONE HAS LET THE POMPADOUR KING IN!" You hollered, and ran forward, away from Kuwabara and down the hall, as fast as you possibly could. He took off after you, pushing past the other girls without a glance or kind word, which was most unlike him.

"What is going on around here?" Yukina asked quietly, and as they heard a loud crash coming from the back of the temple, along with Yusuke's frantic screams and Kuwabara's insane laughter. Keiko made a face that clearly stated that she was annoyed.

"I don't know, it seems like any other day," she said sarcastically, rolling her eyes, and followed Kuwabara's trail to the back of the temple. You had fled through an open window after locking the door, and the crash and Kuwabara's laughter had come due to his breaking down the door and thinking you were still in the room and within his grasp—in which he was sorely mistaken.

Currently he was dashing all around the room, which was a spare bedroom, and was throwing furniture around to find you. "WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS MY BELOVED?" He yelled, throwing the bedspread off of the mattress before he dropped to his knees to check under there. Then he stormed over to the closet, threw open the doors and started searching inside that.

Botan laughed, rubbing the back of her head in confusion, and Yukina said softly, "His beloved?"

You had no idea what the hell was happening with the guys, excluding Hiei, but you were determined to remain a virgin for the next few weeks or so, so you escaped the temple and Genkai's territory completely by running through the trees and down the mountain to the street below. Snickering, you took off running down the street, and yet instantly you noticed something amiss.

As you ran past people, the men began to turn, watching you go, and then they started to follow you, running after you as if you were made of solid chocolate. Or steak. Or whatever it is that men like to eat.

You turned to see an entire crowd of males running after you, ranging in age from thirteen to sixty. They were sprinting, trying to catch up to you, and though they didn't know your name, they were calling out weird things after you, like pumpkin and sweetie. Turning a sharp corner, you dashed through the crowd before taking refuge in a department store.

You managed to outmaneuver them and they all ran past, confused, trying to find you. You hid behind a store display, catching your breath, and then gasped when a hand grabbed your shoulder and turned you around.

"Hi there, schnookums," said the man, and you glared at him before sending a fist into the side of his head.

"MY. NAME. ISN'T. FUCKING. SCHNOOKUMS!" You screeched, and ran out of the store, going across the street and down an alley, hoping no one would be there.[5] For once, you got a break, and you ran home, knowing that at this time only your sister would be there. You didn't even want to think about what might have happened if your dad had been home.

You reached your home, though of course you weren't alone by the time you got there—at least twenty gentlemen were following you closely, trying to get you to love them or kiss them or...well, you tried to block out those calls. This had started out to be flattering, and was now just downright annoying. You slammed the door, running into the house and screaming, "WEASEL! DUCK! LLAMA!"

Your sister, who was just about as crazy as you were and knew when you were in trouble, came running into the room, shouting, "WHAT'S ALL THE HULLABALOO?"

You turned to her, and screamed, "THERE ARE A BILLION FUCKING MEN OUTSIDE FOLLOWING ME!"

She ran to the window and saw that, while you had been exaggerating a bit, there were indeed many people outside. "What the hell do we do?" She asked, and you shrugged.

"I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY THEY'RE HERE!"

"GREAT! WHY ARE WE STILL SCREAMING?" She screeched, and you tore at your hair.

"I DON'T KNOW! CALL THE POLICE! CALL THE DOCTORS! CALL MOMMY! CALL U.P.S.! JUST GET THESE GODDAMN PERVERTS OFF OF MY LAWN!" You roared, and she grinned.

"U.P.S....United Puppy Stranglers," she chuckled, and you began to laugh loudly with her.[6] The two of you laughed for quite some time before, finally, you were relaxed enough to tell her that for some reason, all the men in the city were horribly and undeniably attracted to you, always excluding Hiei.

She nodded and listened, and when you were done she said, "Sounds to me like you've got Mary-Sue Syndrome." You stared at her, your face blank.

"What the fuck is that?"

She grinned. "Something I just made up, because often the main characters of fanfictions are Mary-Sues who are adored by all the men in the series...Never mind. Do you have any idea what might have caused this?" You jumped up.

"THAT STUPID, STUPID CAMEL!" You began to pace around angrily, muttering under your breath, and she waited for you to calm down. "Um, no, I have no idea. Unless I've suddenly become the main character of a fanfiction."

You looked around and saw no indication of this, and so you and the fourth wall both breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, there has to be some explanation," said your sister.

"WELL, DON'T YOU THINK I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER! Wait...!" You shouted, raising a finger. "WHAT YEAR WAS THE WAR OF 1812 IN?" You yelled, and she raised her eyebrow.

"Er...1812?" She ventured, knowing that sometimes, in a crisis, you could be a bit dim-witted. You glared at her, sticking out your tongue.

"Sorry, your answer wasn't in the form of a question. YOU LOSE. Anyway, there was a fortune-teller at this fair that I went to this afternoon in downtown..." She gave you a look. Good lord, how you hated those looks. Why did you always get those looks?

"There wasn't any fair downtown today," she whispered, and you fell to your knees in shock.

"Alas! Have I gone completely mad?" You moaned, clawing at your face with your fingertips and avoiding your eyes. There was no time to go to the hospital today.

Your sister grinned. "JUST KIDDING! I went there too. Did you get cotton candy?"

"HELL YES I DID, AND I GOT ENOUGH TO SHARE WITH THE TOWNSPEOPLE! TONIGHT WE DINE IN MOZAMBIQUE!"

Just as you were finished yelling, there came a loud pound on the door, and a male yelled, "Miss, I don't know who you are, but I feel as though my heart will shatter if I don't see your face again!" You rolled your eyes and ignored it. Your sister was staring at the door.

"Sis...THAT DOOR JUST FUCKING TALKED TO YOU!" She hollered, and it was your turn to giggle.

After several more minutes of this pointless and rather insane chatter, you and your sister got to the heart of the matter—men had decided that you were the only worthwhile female of the entire species only after you'd scorned a fortune-teller because you weren't in love like she'd predicted. "This can only mean one thing..." You said somberly, and your sister looked at you sadly.

"No more hopscotch for the elderly," she sighed, and you sighed sadly too. For a minute, there was silence as you both thought about it. Then you realized that most old people have soggy bones and can't jump well, so that probably wasn't it...

"Wait, no! It can only mean that I have to go see that lady and tell her to un-sexify me!" You shrieked, and jumped up.

"Do you think she's still there?" Your sister asked as you neared the door, and you turned, looking at her as though she was a very foolish person.

"Of course she's still there. Where the hell could she be, Alaska?" You laughed, deciding to take the back way out of the house with your sister following.

She wasn't there. At least, that's what her assistant, Escargot, said, but then Escargot was really a stupid name, so you couldn't be sure that Escargot should be trusted. "I don't trust her," you whispered to your sister as Escargot turned to check the tent again at your request. "She's got a stupid name."

Your sister glared at you. "That's my name too, remember?" You sweat-dropped.

"I forgot. What a stupid name."

"No, she's not here, and no, I'm not checking again. She told me that she would be at the supermarket for a while if we needed her. Why don't you go check it?" Said Escargot, and you glared at her. "Well, why don't you go suck an egg, ESCARGOT?!" You yelled, pronouncing her name atrociously so that you enunciated each letter, especially the "t."[7] She raised an eyebrow at you.

"Why'd you say my name like that?" You rolled your eyes.

"Because it's a STUPID NAME, that's why!" You raised one finger and began shouting about stupid foreign names while your sister waved to Escargot and tried to apologize.

"Sorry, she's had a bit too much sugar today. She's not normally like this at all," Escargot, the one who was your sister, lied. Escargot, your non-sister (though she could have been a long-lost sister, once you thought about it) smiled kindly.

"It's okay. I've seen it all before. I hope you find Madam LaCrem," she said, and you snorted halfway through your tirade at the fortune teller's name.

"I hope we do, too," said Escargot-your-sister, and she tried to lead you out of the fair grounds.

"Farewell, my possible long-lost sister Escargot! May you two Escargots be friends forever, and may one day we discover whether we're actually related or not! Peace be with you! May your cup runneth over! May your nights be long and your days dreamless!"

Escargot-your-non-sister-but-possibly-your-long-lost-sister waved, grinning, as Escargot-your-sister-for-sure-without-a-doubt led you out of the fair grounds. The supermarket was several blocks to the south, so you headed that way, trying to avoid all the men in the city. Unfortunately, they made up about half of the population, so the only way to do that was to run as fast as you could and not answer any of them.

You got to the store without real incident (unless you count being called "lovely" fifty-three times an incident—yes, you counted.) The owner was, thankfully, a girl, and Madam LaCrem was in the back in the frozen foods section.

She was comparing pizza-flavored Hot Pockets with turkey, broccoli, and cheddar Hot Pockets when you came up behind her. "Boo," you hissed, and she barely flinched, having sensed that you were there the entire time. You were fairly upset by her lack of reaction.

"If it isn't the girl who made a mockery of my life's work this afternoon," said Madam, still comparing the two boxes. You frowned at her, scratching the back of your head.

"I'm sorry about that. But whatever you did, I really, really need you to fix it," you pleaded, giving her the best puppy-dog eyes you'd given anyone in a century, not that you'd been alive that long. She smiled, her ugly teeth showing.

"I can't simply end it. I can't take back what I've created," she said, choosing the turkey, broccoli, and cheddar Hot Pocket box.

"B-but...you've ruined my life!" You yelled, to the annoyance of the other patrons, who weren't looking at you and therefore did not feel compelled to love you against their will.

"You have to help my sister, please?" Escargot said, also giving the Madam puppy-dog eyes. Even if she didn't like you, she had nothing against your sister, and felt compelled to help.

"I can't end it, but I can tell you how to. You must be kissed by your one true love, and he must not do it because of the influence of my spell. He must kiss you from his heart," she said, and you pouted. But, it was better than nothing.

"Thank you," you said. "Oh, and I'd take the pizza Hot Pocket, if I were you."

You and Escargot left the store quickly, to find a lot of men waiting outside. You began to run in the direction of your house, and she followed. "Are you sure we should go home? Dad might be there," she warned. You cringed at the thought, but sighed.

"I don't have a choice, Escargot! My only other option is to go to the temple, and the team will be there. They're way more dangerous than regular humans—they're demons," you hissed, unable to comprehend the dangers that you'd face in going there. She nodded in agreement, and you focused on your running.

When you got home, it was nearing dark, and your father's car was in the driveway. Swallowing, and prepared to be very grossed-out, you went to the door and opened it. It smelled like rice and fish, and you realized that you were really hungry.

"MI PADRE!" You shouted, greeting him as usual. He came in from the kitchen, smiling.

"There's my girls. You two hungry?" He asked, looking between you and Escargot. You frowned.

"Yeah, but...are you feeling okay?" You asked. He shrugged, taking off his oven mitts.

"Fine as ever. Why, are you sick or something?" He asked, mostly directing his question to Escargot—he knew who was the cleverer of the two.

"We're fine. Dinner smells delicious!" She said, and your father went back into the kitchen to finish cooking. You turned to Escargot, your jaw dropping.

"YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE FISH!" You accused. Escargot rolled her eyes.

"No, but don't you see? Dad doesn't act like all the other guys! You're safe!" She said, and just as she did, the doorbell rang.

"Someone get that, please!" Your dad called from the kitchen, and you obliged. On your doorstep was a man of about seventeen, who held a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolate.

"Crap," you said, and ignored it, praying that the boy would go away. The doorbell rang yet again, so you opened it and yelled, "GO AWAY!"

You and Escargot went into the kitchen, where your father was glaring at you. "Why did you yell? Who was at the door?" He asked, serving up dinner on plates. You smiled sweetly.

"Just a salesman. He won't go away, so he'll probably ring the doorbell all night," you said, shrugging. The three of you sat down to dinner, ignoring the ringing bell for the next hour.

That night, you sat on your roof with your knees hugged up to your chest. The stars were out and bright, and the moon was nowhere to be seen—either it was a new moon, or it had already passed overhead. There were no clouds, but up there a chilly breeze came to you, and you shivered slightly. All was silent, and the world was sleeping.

Except, of course, unless you counted the thirty or so men on your lawn who were all calling up to you with declarations of love and affection. You rolled your eyes and flipped them the bird—some of them began to cry, and others grinned and flipped it back in a subtle sexual innuendo.

Escargot came up the ladder behind you, and stood next to you as you observed your many callers. This really, really sucked. At least your father wasn't acting crazy, and he didn't seem to know about the spell—he was currently down in the basement, working on his most recent project (he liked to make birdhouses and model planes.)

"Why do you think Dad is immune to the spell?" You asked as Escargot, or Essie, as you sometimes referred to her, sat down on the edge of the roof next to you, dangling her legs over the side. It was too high for any of the men to touch, but that didn't stop some of them from trying.

"I've been working on a theory," she said, and reminded you much of Kurama. She'd never met him or any of your friends, but she knew him well from your rants about them. "I think that the spell only works on men who didn't already love you. Dad loved you before the spell, so it didn't affect him," she said. You nodded, thinking about it slowly.

"So...wait...if there was a guy that acted like he normally did around me, and who wasn't related to me, is it possible that he's the true love LaCrem talked about?" You asked, your voice very wary. Essie looked at you, amused.

"Probably. Why?"

"HIEI!" You shouted, jumping up. She raised an eyebrow at you.

"Who?"

"You know, Hiei, my friend from the temple! He was there this afternoon when the others were all acting weird, but he didn't act like he liked me at all. He acted perfectly normal."

Essie thought about it for a moment while you danced on the roof, happy to have a solution. "Are you sure that he isn't just immune to spells, or that he was controlling himself or something?"

Punching the air, you giggled. "Absolutely not! This is Hiei we're talking about. Which means..." you gasped. "HIEI LIKES ME! I would have never guessed," you said, stroking your chin.

"Well, get him to kiss you!" Essie said, standing up carefully and walking over to where you were going into the "lawnmower" section of your victory dance. You stood up straight and visibly paled.

"Oh, dear," you murmured quietly, stopping in mid-cabbage patch. Escargot raised an eyebrow again—she had gotten very good at it being your sister. "Hiei isn't going to kiss me. Hiei doesn't kiss people. Besides, I'd have to get all the way over to the temple without anyone else bugging me, and sneak past all these guys, and—"

Escargot's heart sunk. She knew what the look on your face meant, and it almost always meant bad news for her. "No," she said immediately, folding her arms. You grinned at her, pulling out your puppy-dog eyes as a reflex.

"Pwease? You know I need to get to the temple! We'll need a distraction, or our lives will never be the same." You gripped her shoulders, shaking her back and forth. "THINK OF THE ASPARAGUS!"

After a long moment of silence, Escargot sighed. "What do you want me to do?"

You grinned evilly.

"You know, sometimes I really hate you," Escargot said, but it was very muffled behind the mask she was wearing. You slapped it, smirking.

"That's a terrible thing to say to your sister. Besides, you look adorable. Now get out there and be distracting!" You said, and pushed her out the front door.

Escargot, or, more appropriate, Escargot in a giant lobster costume, waved her foam claws. You shrieked loudly, hoping that your dad was listening to his old people music (usually Kiss, AC/DC, or Journey) loudly again. "Oh my god, help me! There's a giant lobster attacking me!" You yelled, and all the men on the front yard came running. They body-slammed Escargot and she went flying about five feet in the air. Meanwhile, you took the opportunity to bolt out the front door, going too fast for any of your courtiers to see you. They chased Escargot into the neighbor's yard and beyond, and you sent her a silent prayer as you ran.

The night was busy, but you met few people thanks to your two advantages: one, you'd dressed all in black and decided to stay hidden in allies and shadows. And two, you were humming your invincible theme music—that had to be keeping them at bay. The temple wasn't too far from your house, and you made it to the bottom of the stairs basically without incident. Most normal humans couldn't pass this way unless Genkai made it so, so you began to climb the stairs.

It was dark, and you quickly became frightened. The trees rustled around you, making you jump whenever a twig snapped. There was little light, and the light that there was happened to be a ghostly pale yellow color that sent chills up your spine. You looked up at the top of the stairs, and they had never seemed so large before.

"I'll sing a song to keep the ghosties away," you said, knowing that if real ghosts were here, they were the least of your problems. "Let's gather 'round the campfire, and sing our campfire song. Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song..."

Kurama smirked as you walked. He was following you step by step up the stairs, taking his own quiet route through the woods and waiting for you to let your guard down. You were too beautiful to be claimed by anyone else—every movement and sound that you made was heart-wrenching for him. He could not let anyone else have you, and the best defense was a good offense.

Your singing grew even quieter as the song went on, the fear overtaking you. Someone was here, and you were betting on the fox, since neither Kuwabara nor Yusuke could be so sly, and no one else (or so you believed) had any reason to be stalking you. When you finally got to the top of the stairs, you hesitated at the gate. When you exhaled, closing your eyes, Kurama struck.

He flew at you from behind a tree, looking like a crimson blur as he dove onto you. You landed on the ground with a jump and yelped loudly as Kurama straddled you, smiling very happily as he looked down into your (gorgeous) eyes. "I have you now," he said, voice low and inhuman with its lust.

"CRIPES!" You swore, and shrieked loudly as Kurama neared you, probably just preparing to kiss you. But after that, who knew? What if he decided that you were mate-worthy?

Kurama grunted as Hiei kicked him in the chest, sending him flying into the nearby trees. He would have gotten up and began a duel with Hiei for your honor if he hadn't started rolling downhill at roughly the speed of sound, narrowly missing many trees.

"Thanks," you breathed, sitting up as Hiei glared at you. This is it, you thought. This is the moment where I find out what it all comes down to...

"Hiei?" You said timidly, hoping that you wouldn't scare him off. He looked pointedly at you, without saying anything. "I found out what happened to everyone," you said, standing up and brushing yourself off. He merely stared, waiting for you to continue.

"I made fun of a fortune-teller at the fair, and she put a curse on me," you said, taking a small step toward him. He stood his ground, watching you with mild interest. What exactly did you think you were doing? "I went back to ask her to remove it, and she told me that she couldn't...but that she knew how I could break it myself," you said, getting even closer.

Hiei clenched his fists, ready for you to push him down the stairs or perhaps slap him. You were coming closer, your hands clenched in front of you, your eyes very wide and frightened. If he ran away, you might not find him again for a few days, and you couldn't take that.

"She said that there would be a man who loved me not because of the spell, but because it was already in his heart. That guy, she told me, would be my true love, and I'd have to kiss him to break the spell."

Oh, it dawned on him. He backed up, looking very frightened all of a sudden. "I don't know what you're talking—"

You reached up and put a finger over his lips, smiling softly. "Please, Hiei. I really can't live my life like this. Don't you want our friends back? You're acting normally because you already loved me before the spell was cast, isn't that true?"

He said nothing, but looked into your eyes with a panicky fear. He wanted to run, but something about your face would not let him. You came even closer, your face nearing his with startling speed. "Kiss me," you said, moving your finger and leaning toward him. For a long time, you thought he would back up and let you fall down the stairs to your death. But finally, he leaned forward and did it.

It was over far, far too soon. It was the sweetest thing you'd ever tasted, and you missed it even when Hiei's lips pulled away from yours and he was staring at you as though you'd sprouted an antenna. All across town, men chasing a giant lobster or out on the streets calling your name suddenly forgot what they were doing, and why, and realized that they needed to refill their prescription medication for chronic somnambulism and night terrors. Kurama woke up at the base of the stairs, extremely sore and confused. Yusuke stood in his living room, cutting himself off in mid-sentence and abruptly ending his argument with Keiko. Puppies all over the world were born, and kittens meowed in their beds.

Hiei only stared at you, unable to say anything for a long time. You smiled and pushed his shoulder. "Don’t worry—I won't tell anyone about your little crush," you giggled, neglecting to mention your own crush on him. He narrowed his eyes, about to say something, when the gates burst open and Kuwabara emerged with a plate full of steaming hot food.

"Who wants egg rolls?" He shouted, offering you the plate, and you jumped up and down while waving your arms.

"I DO, I DO!"

A few miles away, in her tent on the fairgrounds, Madam LaCrem set down her crystal ball and smiled. Another romance had begun. As she sat, Escargot-her-assistant-and-not-your-sister opened the flap of the tent and gave her a bright smile. "Your pizza-flavored Hot Pocket is done," she said, handing the elderly woman a plate. As she left, the Madam sighed and took a bite of her pastry. Escargot, she thought. It really is a stupid name.

[1] I don't know if they have fairs in Japan, but we'll just say they do for the sake of this fic.

[2] The funniest thing about this is that only mammals can have rabies. XD

[3] Seems a little OOC for Kurama, but then again, he is under a spell of sorts.

[4] In case you don't know, a pompadour is a hair style, the kind that Kuwabara has.

[5] I apologize in case your name actually is Schnookums.

[6] U.P.S. really isn't that bad. ...They're worse.

[7] In case you're not French, Escargot is pronounced "es-car-go," so enunciating the "t" makes it sound stupid.