Categories > Anime/Manga > Yu Yu Hakusho

Matchmaker, Deal-Breaker

by SereneShadow 1 review

Botan knew it from the start that you and Hiei would make a great couple, so she decided to try and fix you two up. Because her attempts were both annoying and dangerous, you realized that you had ...

Category: Yu Yu Hakusho - Rating: R - Genres: Humor,Romance - Characters: Botan,Hiei,Kazuma Kuwabara,Kurama,Yusuke - Warnings: [!!] [V] - Published: 2009-10-05 - Updated: 2009-10-05 - 5090 words - Complete

Matchmaker, Deal-Breaker

Sitting in Koenma's office, you were not really nervous. Though it was your second offense, you thought that the ruler would probably go easy on you, because you were still a young demon and you hadn't really done anything wrong. You had broken into the Spirit World vault, yeah, but you hadn't killed anyone, and you hadn't stolen anything. It was humiliating to have been caught, but you'd rather be caught than killed.

Koenma was looking at you harshly, not pleased by your lack of fear. "____, this is the second time you've been caught trying to steal something out of my father's vault," he said carefully, watching you.

You were a normally stoic person, and yet you had a major temper. He actually feared you more than you did him. "I know," you said casually, not fazed. You expected him to do what he already had once—send you home with a smack on the wrist. Only, that wasn't exactly how it happened.

"Because you are becoming such a threat to our security, because you are very powerful, and because you seem to have no respect for me, my authority, or Spirit World in general, I'm giving you a very unique punishment," he said, and you cocked an eyebrow. Oh dear, what could the little prince be thinking up?

"Firstly, you're on probation, technically," he said. You nodded, having expected this. You had broken in the second time a week after your first probationary period had been up.

"Second, you will be confined to one human city where you will be forbidden from stealing or harming humans in any way."

Damn. You hated humans, and to be locked up in one city would be nearly unbearable, and yet you sensed that something even worse was coming. You were right. "You will also join the Spirit Detective team on most, if not all, of its cases from now until your probation is over."

By god, how could this have happened? One minute you were expecting probation in Demon World, and now you were stuck in one city, unable to will away the time by torment humans, and stuck with joining the Spirit Detectives? You had heard of them somewhat, though you really hadn't heard much. You knew that the team consisted of one human, one human/demon hybrid, one demon, and one demon who had, until recently, been human. Oh, and their leader was a guy named Urameshi. Otherwise, you knew nothing.

"Koenma, that's ridiculous. How could I be of any help to them? Don't you think my time might be better well served—"

"No, ____, I do not. That's why I gave you this punishment. Now, do you want this deal, or would you rather spend three months in Spirit World prison?" You shook your head, unable to even imagine yourself after ninety days in a cold cell.

"Fine, I'll do it. Where's this city, anyway?"

"I'll have Botan take you there. And ____?" He asked as you stood up, heading for the door. You turned slightly to let him know you were listening. "I expect you to be on your best behavior. If you aren't, you know what will happen," he said cryptically, and you exited, slamming the door a bit on your way out.

And that was how the whole mess got started. You were a middle-class demon, had had a normal childhood for a demon, and were very bored with your life. You'd started the whole "break into Spirit World" thing as a joke with your friends, just to have something to do and to see if you could get past the guards. You'd failed once, had gone on probation, and then failed again.

You joined the Spirit Detective team reluctantly, showing up only when there was a mission and going off again. At first, you really just hung around the city, sulking, sitting around in parks, and not doing anything suspicious so that Koenma wouldn't have an excuse to send you to jail. But then, after a while, you'd started to bond a bit with the team, and spent more time with them, mostly at the psychic Genkai's temple and the surrounding woods. You wouldn't call yourself their friend, necessarily, but the humans Kuwabara and Yusuke acted as though you were.

You couldn't exactly figure out why since you hadn't ever really given them a reason to think so, but Hiei, your favorite member of the team as he was the least annoying, said that they had done the same to him.
After this, your first real conversation with the fire demon, you had begun to spend more time with him in particular. He didn't seem to mind your presence and you certainly didn't mind his, though you told yourself it was just because you needed a demon to spend time with in this ghastly human city.

Your interest in the fire demon did not go unnoticed by his friends and your teammates, however. You seemed to be the only one Hiei could tolerate in large doses, and the two of you were not often seen out of each other's presences.

You hadn't spoken to Hiei about why he didn't hate you; in fact, you hardly spoke to him at all, but he had never given the slightest inclination of annoyance to you, so you figured it was safe to continue being his shadow.

The residents of the temple and everyone else nearby couldn't help but notice that the two of you would disappear into the trees together often, doing who knew what. In truth, the two of you were usually doing one of two things—either sparring (which you did quite often, though Hiei was much stronger than you were) or sitting in trees, generally the same one.

Hiei truthfully didn't find you annoying, though he couldn't begin to wonder why you insisted on being where he was so often. He didn't mind not being alone, to his great surprise, because having you there was almost like being alone, since you rarely spoke. Yes, the time of your probation was being well-spent, until, of course, Botan realized that you and Hiei seemed to enjoy each other's company a bit too much to be considered mere allies. Her devious mind began working, and boy, did it work fast.

Botan tried trick after trick to bring the two of you together, in all senses of the word. She tried tripping you so that Hiei would catch you—you caught yourself and then growled at her. She tried locking you both in a spare bedroom—you broke out together and chased her down. She even tried an attempt at drowning you so that Hiei would have to administer CPR—which was really just stupid on her part, because Hiei didn't know how to use CPR and Kuwabara had offered instead. Sitting up, grabbing your wet throat and waving a hand at the red-head, who looked slightly disgruntled, you had glared daggers at Botan.

"Okay, you crazy bitch, why are you trying to kill me all of a sudden?" You asked, getting up.

Botan, who didn't like the way you talked about her, but already knew how much of an attitude you had, ignored your comment. As she skipped out of the room to come up with another plan, Kurama smiled softly at you. "She is trying to play matchmaker for you," he said, hoping to help you make sense of Botan's actions. You raised an eyebrow.

"For me and who?" You asked, as if you didn't know. Kurama nodded ever so slightly at Hiei, who was sitting by the window and apparently hadn't even noticed your drowning in the sink.

"Oh, dear god,” you said, disgusted, and from that point on you avoided Botan at all costs, until finally she had recruited Keiko to help her, and you really knew you were in trouble. After a few particularly dangerous and embarrassing incidents, you went to the only person you thought you could trust in this situation except Hiei himself—Kurama.

“Look, Kurama, I really don’t like to ask for favors, but I think that otherwise someone’s going to die around here, and I’d rather that not happen, what with my probation and all,” you said, looking Kurama in the eye.

The two of you were sitting in Kurama’s living room. You were leaning forward, your face serious. You always were when there was a possibility of your death at the hands of an overexcited blue-haired bimbo.[1]

Kurama raised his brow, slightly amused. You were a lot like Hiei, which made you both interesting and irritating in the best ways. He waited for you to continue. “Basically, Botan’s getting a little out of control and I need to throw her off my scent, at least for a while,” you paused, knowing that you were asking for a large favor. A major favor. “I think the easiest way to do that...well, the easiest way is for me to date someone,” you said, hinting.

Kurama now smirked and cocked an eyebrow. “Are you asking me to date you?” He asked quickly. Your eyes went wide, and then you smiled and shook your head.

“Actually, I was hoping that you would pretend to date me, just for a few weeks so that Botan thinks that we actually like each other, and then she’ll leave me alone,” you said, your voice sounding needier than you had hoped. Botan was really pissing you off. Kurama wasn’t convinced.

“____, I’m not so sure this is a good idea...” He drifted off, looking uncomfortable. You understood his concern.

“It probably isn’t, but how else am I going to stop her? Listen to me. Yesterday, she actually pushed me in front of a train so that Hiei would rescue me.[2] He obviously did, but it’s getting a bit ridiculous, don’t you think?”

Kurama had to agree that pushing you in front of a train was a bit over-the-top, and that none of this would help Hiei much either; he doubted having to rescue a girl would make the fire demon attracted to her. Finally, after a few moments of silent deliberation, he nodded. “Thank you! It’s only for a month or so, I promise,” you stressed, standing up and shaking his hand.

Unfortunately, you had not really considered the implications of this action. From that point on, when you two were in the presence of others, you had to take on the guise of lovers. Which, aside from being absolutely not true, was embarrassing and awkward.

Once you got to the top of the stairs, Kurama turned around to face you. "If you want Botan to leave you alone, you will have to do some acting," he said, and you rolled your eyes.

"I know."

"Take my hand," he said, reaching out with his left. You did, and he began to walk toward the temple with you in tow. It was a stricken, vice-like grip until you released your hold a bit; having seen other humans do the same, you knew that it was a mark of affection.

The walk to the temple seemed shorter than it ever had before, and when you got in, you heard quite a lot of noise which could not be written off as usual.

"I'm telling you, they were holding hands!"

"And I'm telling you that _____ likes Hiei!"

"No, Botan, that's just your girly fantasy. I just saw them; they were definitely holding hands."

"Well...maybe she's in trouble again!"

"I doubt it."

"Maybe it's one-sided?"

"It's not," you said convincingly as you and Kurama came into the room. Botan, Kuwabara, and Yusuke were clamoring to see out the window, but immediately dropped away and into neutral positions when they saw whom you were.

"Oh, hey guys," Yusuke laughed, his voice full of embarrassment. You narrowed your eyes at him.

"I'll thank you guys not to spy on me and my...boyfriend," you coughed, pulling on Kurama's arm a bit. He gave Yusuke a sheepish smile as if to explain everything.

"Boyfriend?" Botan squeaked, looking very distraught. You eyed her.

"Yes. Does that present some sort of problem for you?"

Her eyes were wide open, and she put her hands up to her mouth when she spoke. "It's just that I told Hiei that you would meet him in the forest a few minutes ago," she said softly.

You smiled a little too widely; luckily, no one but Kurama noticed. "Hiei and I are still friends. I'll go and explain the situation to him," you said. You turned, winked at Kurama, and started to walk away. Before you could get far, he tugged on your hand and brought you back to him so that he could kiss you on the cheek. Stuttering and blushing furiously, you waved at everyone and walked out in a daze.

Well, at least Kurama was a better actor than you were. You marched through the grounds and first trees in the direction of your usual hangout; there was a tree with limbs the size of sewer ducts, and there were many comfortable positions in the branches. Hiei was there, though you would be hard-pressed to say that he was waiting for you, precisely.

"Good afternoon," you said jovially, and jumped up to the nearest branch. You began to climb slowly, pulling from one thick brand to another while Hiei watched through mostly closed eyes. When you got to the branches near the top, where he was roosting, he grunted, and you looked curiously at him. He did not look amused.

"Has the fox stolen your heart?"

Oh. So, that's what this was about. You had a moment of hesitation—to tell him, or not? If you did, then the three of you could be in on the joke, but it would be entirely possible that he would let it slip to someone, and then Botan would be all over you again. It was probably best to keep the truth in as few minds as possible.

"We're just dating," you said slowly, swinging your legs off the edge of the branch you were on. It was your favorite; flexible, and comfortable, but strong.

"Dating?" Hiei snorted. As a demon, you could understand his confusion; demons don't date—they court, and more often they just take. Females could get strong enough to ward off other demons, or they could learn to like it. You had done the former, until coming to the human world. Kurama had explained the particulars of "going out" to you.

"It is the way humans court. They build long relationships over a period of years before they start mating," you told him, which did little to ease his unrest. Though, for a minute you couldn't help but wonder what exactly was so upsetting about this...

"You are going to mate with Kurama?" He said, his voice extremely derisive and dry, but you sensed the anger there. Could it possibly be...? No, you were imagining things. Or perhaps he was annoyed that you would now have an excuse to bother Kurama, too.

"Probably not. Humans often end the relationships and switch to another partner in a lifetime. Many of them choose to wait until after marriage to mate." Surprisingly, you didn't need to explain marriage to him—that he understood, at least on the surface of it. Probably because he had spent this much time in the presence of humans. Either way, he didn't seem much comforted by your words. However, he did not say anything more about it. After a while, you left, feeling too uncomfortable to stick around long.

Meanwhile, Kurama had taken a seat on a cushion, and had been joined not long after by his friends. "So, you and ____ are really going out?" Yusuke asked, marveling at him. Kurama, whose eyes were closed, quirked a brow and smiled.

"I believe that was implied."

"I wouldn't have the guts to do that," Yusuke said, turning away from his friend to look out the window.

"____ is a very beautiful and—" he couldn't exactly call you nice—"sensible girl," Kurama said, trying to sound defensive but utterly failing. It was hard to describe your positives to someone who didn't understand them, much as it was to do the same with Hiei.

"Yeah, I know. I meant the fact that she and Hiei really seemed to be attached to the hip," Yusuke said, looking at Kurama. The fox looked neither surprised nor impressed, but the corners of his lips did twitch. Botan was watching with intense curiosity.

"Hiei understands the situation," Kurama said. Kuwabara laughed loudly.

"What does he know about girls?" He asked incredulously. Kurama opened his eyes now that it was evident that he was not going to get any meditation done. Genkai's was often the best and worst place for the activity—it was quiet and peaceful unless everyone was gathered there.

"Hiei knows much of demon mating from having lived there, and his instincts. However, humans do things very differently, so I believe he is having an interesting conversation with ____ right now," Kurama said, trying not to sound as though he found that situation hilarious, which he quite did. It was unfortunate that ____ also understood demon mating; that would have made the conversation all the more humorous. Also a pity that he could not overhear it.

"What do you mean?" Yusuke asked, while Botan took a seat next to him. Kuwabara stood by the window, merely looking out into the grounds of Genkai's temple. Kurama wondered where the master was for a moment.

"Demons do not have relationships, unless they are partnerships or true friendships as well. They meet and court in order to mate directly, which is why many demons are not raised by their fathers. Hiei would see our relationship as a direct precursor to mating, though that is clearly not true," Kurama covered quickly. It was one thing having to pretend as though he wanted to date you. Mating was an entirely different venue, and one that he did not care to explore.

"Clearly," Yusuke smirked. It was at that point that you came back to the temple, and Kuwabara alerted everyone to the fact.

"I would appreciate it if you not give ____ a hard time about this," Kurama said warningly just before you came into the room. Yusuke nodded, smiling, and Botan looked sheepish. Apparently, she really had been wrong.

"Well, well, if it isn't Kurama's girlfriend," Yusuke said, sauntering up to you as you met with him on the way to Genkai's temple. You spent a fair amount of time with him—actually, more than you did with your "boyfriend," which was very funny in hindsight. He was one of your favorites of the team, at least when he wasn't directing his wry humor and sarcasm toward you. It was somehow less endearing than when Hiei used it.

"Hello, Yusuke," you said, quite tired of everyone making such a big deal out of it. You couldn't fathom why people would actually have relationships if they were this much work; but then, you were probably receiving only the negatives of the equation.

"Tell me something, ____," he said, throwing an arm around your shoulder in an affectionate gesture. You hesitated, but decided not to throw it off. Yusuke functioned on a basis of senses—sight, sound, touch. It helped him to reconcile the presence of demons to touch them, which explained why he felt the need to reach out to you, Kurama, and Hiei. "Why is it that I have never heard or seen you and Kurama go on a date, kiss each other, or even talk mushy about each other?"

"We're very discreet," you lied. It wasn't fair to Yusuke, but he had a decently large mouth, and you couldn't risk Botan trying to hook you up with Hiei yet again. The next attempt might be fatal to one of you—probably you.

"Uh huh," Yusuke agreed, in a tone that implied that he did not really believe it at all. "What if I said that Botan and Keiko were planning on throwing you a special dinner tonight?"

"Are you serious?" You asked before you could stop yourself. He grinned.



When you and Kurama walked into the fancy dining room at Genkai's temple, you began to groan internally. First off, you were wearing an itchy, frilly dress that looked ridiculous on you and sent out entirely the wrong message. Second, Kurama was wearing nice clothes, as well, but his looked like he had picked them out himself. Third, the room was lit by candlelight and from somewhere soft, romantic human music was playing.

This is going to go very wrong, very soon, you thought, sitting down at the large table across from Kurama, your "date." He looked very amused with the entire situation, and you were considering wringing his neck when this was over. Of course, that probably wouldn't come off as a girlfriend should, but by then you probably wouldn't care about that.

Botan and Keiko served you, Botan with much more gusto; it seemed that Keiko was merely another pawn in her diabolical plan. They set down rice, a large assortment of sushi, and a big bottle of sake. The last you partook in easily. When all that was done, Botan and Keiko exited, the former giggling quietly.

"I cannot stand that girl," you snapped as soon as the door was closed. Kurama smiled, taking a sip of sake.

"She made us dinner," he pointed out, and you prodded your rice with the chopsticks.

"I'm afraid to eat it," you admitted, rolling around a piece of fish. He sighed, not quite convincingly, and took a sushi roll.

"Do you know why they chose this room?"

"For the ambiance, perhaps?" You asked, gesturing around you. He had to admit that it was fairly romantic.

"Yes, but also because of the resonating sound quality. Whatever words are spoke in here can easily be heard from the other side of the door," he said tilting his head that way. He whispered this so that they wouldn't know that you knew that they were listening in, so you giggled girlishly.

"Oh, you're so funny," you said loudly, winking to let him know that you'd received the message. He smiled wryly and took a larger drink of sake.

"There's also a small gap in the screen through which they are watching us," Kurama whispered under the guise of leaning forward to take a roll from another plate.

"What's he saying?" Yusuke asked, elbowing Kuwabara out of the way.

"I don't know! His lips were moving, but I couldn't hear him. You left the music up too loud, Botan," Kuwabara said. She was currently trying to push past Yusuke so that she too could see.

"I bet they kiss before dessert," Kuwabara said, managing to shove Yusuke out of the way.

The detective snorted. "That's likely," he said sarcastically. Botan giggled.

"I bet they kiss during dessert," she said dreamily. "The sweetest part of the dinner—it's romantic!"

"I bet they kill all three of you once they find out what you are doing," Hiei said from behind them. They whirled, trying to block the door from his view.

"Save your energy; I know what you're planning," he said, glaring at them. Yusuke rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"You do?"

"Of course. It's obvious that you don't believe that they are truly courting each other, and you have set up this elaborate game to see that they do so," he said, coming to stand by Yusuke. Botan smiled warmly.

"And it's working! They're falling in love," she said, looking back through the crack. Kurama was eating rice gracefully while you drank your way through the sake bottle. Neither one of you were really looking at or paying attention to one another. Yusuke, pushing Botan out of the way, raised one eyebrow cynically.

"Really? It looks as though they hardly realize that they're sitting together," he said, stepping aside so that Hiei could look. The fire demon did no such thing.

"I want no part in your trivial games," he snapped. "Whether they mate or not is none of my concern."

"Whoa, Hiei, no need to get jealous. ____ already told us that she and Kurama are going to be having little half-demon babies in about nine months."

"You—what?" Hiei said, momentarily thrown completely off-guard. Yusuke laughed outright, not even fazed by the death glare that Hiei bored into him.

"I was kidding, but the look on your face was priceless!" He grinned, and Kuwabara joined him in the laughter. Hiei glared at the other human, too, but was suddenly feeling rather put-out.

"Time for dessert!" Botan announced a few minutes later. She came in and served you both Western-style ice cream with whipped cream and cherries on top.

"You lost the bet," Yusuke informed Kuwabara, who looked through the rip in the door with a very annoyed expression on his face. Botan was slowly backing out of the room, hoping to see one of you do something cute like feed the other a cherry or kiss with whipped cream on your lips. You gave her a glare and turned to your ice cream. Kurama followed that up with an apologetic smile, but didn't pay attention to you even when he turned away from her.

"They're hardly looking at each other," Botan lamented as she stepped back out onto the porch. Hiei snorted.

"Did you really expect them to?" He asked wryly, turning his attention back to the small group of heroes. Yusuke peeked through the rip again.

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! KISS! KISS! KISS!" He chanted, eventually gathering Kuwabara as a follower and shouting loud enough to be heard by you and Kurama in the dining room. Hiei rolled his eyes slowly and deliberately, while Botan watched with great apprehension.

"You have got to be kidding me," you said, clenching your fists. Kurama smiled wearily.

"They should be commended for their stubborn ways," he said, closing his eyes. Yusuke's chant was growing much louder, and the pressure was beginning to build. It was true; you and Kurama had not officially kissed in front of them, hoping that by holding hands you would give them enough of a hint to let it drop.

"KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!" Yusuke yelled, with Kuwabara behind him. It was all in good fun, really, and the look on your face as you tried (failingly) to ignore them was worth it.

"They're never going to give up, are they?" You asked, just as Botan threw open the door. Yusuke and Kuwabara were still chanting, and she began to take it up too. You glared at her as though she was the lowest scum on earth, but that didn't seem to faze her. Looking past them, you saw Hiei staring quite curiously at you, and you sighed. Kurama caught your eye, and you both leaned forward over the table. There were cat-calls and whistles as you came closer, and your lips began to near each other.

You stole one last glance at Hiei, who looked extremely hard to read. You pegged his emotion at somewhere between disgust and curiosity before Kurama's hand brushed your cheek, bringing you back to him. You had to stand up to fully reach, and your lips brushed against each other once before you fell back and said, "NO!"

Kurama ran a hand through his hair, smiling ironically. "If it is so unpleasant, you could have simply said so earlier."

"Kurama, you know that's not—Look, I'm sorry, but—"

"____! What are you doing?" Botan shrieked, looking terribly downtrodden as you ruined the perfect moment. Yusuke and Kuwabara were watching in surprise.

"Yeah, what's going on? Are you or are you not in love with Kurama?" Kuwabara asked, and you began to blush as your heart sped up.

"Love?" You sputtered.

"Does his breath smell or something?" Yusuke asked, and the flow of talking began all at once; Botan going on and on about how this was the perfect date for a couple, and how you'd ruined it; Kuwabara asking you what gives, and Yusuke naming off all the reasons why you wouldn't want to kiss Kurama. Kurama himself stood there, looking a combination of flustered and amused. Finally, you couldn't take it anymore.

"I DON'T LOVE KURAMA, I LOVE HIEI," you shouted, shutting them up almost immediately. There was a long, long silence.

"We know," Botan said simply about five minutes later.

"Yeah, it took you long enough to figure it out," Yusuke smirked. Your jaw dropped open, your eyes running over all of them with horror.

"You set me up!" You realized, looking at Kurama as he tried to hold in a laugh. He looked at you apologetically.

"Botan made quite a convincing case," he said, stepping back from the table before you threw it at him. You clenched your fists and jaw, your heart still beating wildly.

"You all knew that I would ask Kurama to pretend to date me so that I could avoid Botan," you said, your tone now starting to reluctantly head toward awe. Yusuke and Kuwabara smirked proudly, and the latter folded his arms.

"That's right. We thought pushing you against Kurama would be the best way to show you how you really feel," he said wisely. You groaned, cupping your head in your hands. You couldn't bear to look outside at where Hiei was probably standing, either annoyed or shocked beyond belief. You had shouted loud enough to reach Madagascar, for cripes' sake.

"You really are an idiot," said a deep voice from your left, and you turned to see Hiei smirking at you from the doorway. You took a deep breath and gave him a rivaling smile right back.

"Well, then...I guess that makes two of us."

[1] I don't think of Botan as a bimbo, but your character does, and if it seems like I'm imposing on your own personal opinions, then I apologize, but the truth is that not all of you out there are going to be perfect matches for Hiei. I try to mold you to fit what he would probably desire in a mate, and that means that your personality isn't always protected. That's the price you pay for fanfiction.

[2] Seems a little OOC for Botan, but you never know once she's had enough sugar...
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