Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Care and Feeding of Dark Lords
In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):
"I own nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! Nothing!"
Part II
Harry was a very, very happy wizard. Accepting Hermione and Daphne's offer of help in deciphering the egg was leading to a memory that could launch a battalion of Patronus. He was currently in the Prefect's tub, with two scantily clad witches, covered in bubbles. To top it off, he was currently under the water, trying to focus on whatever the hell the egg was babbling about, looking at the amazing legs of the two witches in the tub with him.
Flashback
Hermione, being a proper muggle girl had brought a proper, modest dark one piece swimsuit to wear. Daphne, a proper Pureblood heiress, was all for following the old ways, and being skyclad with Harry in the tub. A blushing Hermione had refused this, and to support her, Harry had said he would go back to the tower with her. This had led to a sudden huddle between the two girls, as neither seemed to actually want that.
After a great deal of giggling, and furtive looks back towards Harry, the two witches had come to an agreement. Hermione shook Daphne's hand as both gave a firm nod, and uttered "So mote it be!" With a green flash around both girls, they both turned and smiled at Harry. The witches then took Hermione's modest one piece suit, split it into four pieces of fabric, and then transfigured it into even smaller pieces of fabric. "Go ahead and get in the tub Harry!" said Hermione. "We're just going to change and use the loo, be right back!" giggled a flushed Daphne. With that the two girls had run into the girls changing room.
Harry entered the steaming tub, and relaxed. Knowing that he had the smartest and most devious witches helping him in this bloody tournament made everything seem better. Although, he wasn't always sure which title went with which witch sometimes. Some of the looks Hermione had been giving him during the negotiating with Daphne made him a little nervous. She looked eerily like that Hungarian Horntail during the first task.
'Wonder what is taking the girls so long in there?' thought Harry, idly splashing in the tub. He swam to the edge of the tub and tried to listen in.
"Huh! I would have thought you would be just as bushy...as..." came the amused voice of Daphne, from the unclosed door.
"Honestly! Didn't you read the charms book yet? ...much more sanitary, and...easy charm and..." came the lecturing voice of Hermione.
"REALLY? Well, yours' looks so cute, why not? Is it hard..." giggled Daphne.
"...Certainly hope it will be...here let me..." laughed Hermione.
"Oooooooooo, that....tickles!" moaned Daphne.
"Doesn't it just, though? Here let me put this salve on it will keep..." muttered Hermione.
'What in the hell were those two girls up to?' wondered Harry.
"Oh my goddess!! Granger what in the seven hells are you...nevermind...carry...on..." gasped Daphne.
A few minutes later, Hermione came out, closely followed by a blushing Daphne. Hermione could have only looked more smug with a mouthful of feathers, and a dazed Daphne was wide eyed and kept glancing back and forth between Hermione and Harry. Harry arched an eyebrow at Hermione, who simply smiled wider, showing her teeth. 'There was that Horntail look again!' worried Harry. Harry knew that Hermione was fine, and that everything was going as she planned. Of course, in this particular instance, Harry was not sure of all of the details of her plan. But he trusted her.
Then Harry's eyes went from the two girls faces, and he finally noticed the attire of the two girls. He suddenly realized four important things.
1.) They had left at least 90% of the material back in the changing room.
2.) These two friends were most assuredly females of the species and smoking hot ones at that!
3.) He was very glad he was in water up to his chest.
4.) He would ALWAYS trust Hermione from here on out. To hell with that ginger bastard Ron!
"Uh, Ladies, you look amazing. Would you like to join me in the tub? It seems like it is much warmer here than out there." said Harry, wondering if the heating charms had failed on the castle flagstones. Both witches looked very...cold, and he noticed they both seemed to have a shiver. Although, maybe they did not need to fix the warming charm if it was broken?
Hermione grabbed Daphne's hand and led them both into the tub. Harry had never wanted to be a body of water before, but he would have traded his very soul at that moment to be the water lapping up the bodies of the two beauties in the tub with him. He had the sudden understanding of Hermione's passion for studying. He would be more than willing to quit Quidditch and give up magic just to do an exhaustive study of the natural buoyancy and water displacement of certain spherical objects currently bobbing in the water of the tub.
"...thing worked out as to position now Harry, do you agree? Good! Now, about the egg...giggle Harry. Harry! Eyes up Harry!" laughed a clearly amused Hermione.
Harry finally stopped nodding, and tore his eyes away from the standard models of perfection in spherical objects. "Uhhh, right egg! Hold on a second!" stammered Harry, as he swam to the side of the tub and grabbed the egg. He was opening it as he turned around, and saw Hermione pressed to the back of Daphne with her arms wrapped around her. She seemed to be straightening the minuscule thong that Daphne was obviously quite uncomfortable in. As Harry flushed, he slipped and fell below the surface of the water. The Egg sprang open, and instead of screeching, Harry heard a melodious voice singing...something something something.
Harry was much more interested in the two witches in front of him.
END FLASHBACK
Hermione had been doing very interesting things to Daphne, leading to moans Harry could hear over the caterwauling of that cursed egg. Suddenly both sets of witches hands left the water and raised above the foam.
'What were the two witches up to no...' thought Harry before he suddenly clutched his head in agony. His scar seemed to be bursting wide open, and he could hardly think. He was looking at the bottom of the tub, and there was a firm hand pushing him under water. Air! He was drowning! What was that fool doing? He was the most powerful wizard of all time, and he was being drowned like some squib bastard child! He was trying to call forth his loyal Death Eaters when suddenly his head was smashed against the bottom of the tub and he lost his focus. He flailed desperately, trying to free himself, when he heard Wormtail's voice.
"Forgive me Lilly, I'm sorry James! Sirius and Remus please take care of Harry...he's such a dear boy. Harry, thank you for your kindness and trust, I hope you live a full and happy life!" sobbed Wormtail. He felt an immense weight crushing his chest, and suddenly he began to cough.
"...ohgodohgodohgodwebrokehimknewitwastoofastdamnhornyminxyouvedrownedthemanyoulovenownoonewillwantyouexpelledwandsnappedoldmaiddsurroundedbykneazleslikefigg!" screamed Hermione, as she straddled Harry trying to perform chest compressions on Harry. He had suddenly dropped below the surface of the water and she thought he would enjoy the view, so she had started whispering in Daphne's ear, while stroking the lower half of the girl's swimsuit. She had taken off Daphne's top, who had dutifully removed hers, when she had noticed the roiling water, and the bubbles coming to the surface stopping.
They had had to literally fight off a delusional and choking Harry, and bodily dragged him to the side of the tub. She had not found a pulse, so she quickly checked his airway, and started chest compressions. While she was counting in her head, she instructed Daphne on how to perform rescue breathing for Harry. Daphne had shakily nodded, and done exactly as she had been told. Finally, there had been a green flash, and Harry had turned his head to the side and started coughing up the water in his chest. Hermione had shoved Daphne to the side, and proceeded to do a thorough inspection of Harry's tonsils.
",,,,mmmff, Hermione, what happened?" asked a dazed Harry. Hermione was too distraught to talk, and merely buried her heard under his chin, sobbing.
"You drowned Potter! You went under the water and didn't come back up! What the hell were you doing you crazy fool!" chided an angry Daphne.
"First off, I think you can call me Harry, seeing as you are only some candy floss away from being in your birthday suit in front of me, Daphne. Secondly, I was distracted by what you two minxes were doing when I had a vision from Voldemort. It seems Peter decided to fulfill the life debt he owed me. He drowned the homunculus of Voldemort in a bathtub. I heard him ask for forgiveness, and then I was being pounded on the chest by our bushy haired amazon here, and snogged senseless by the two of you. I didn't think you were into rough stuff there Hermione?" laughed Harry.
SNIFFLE
"You'll find there isn't much I won't be up for with the man I love you prat! Although if you scare me like that again, you won't have the equipment to do more than watch! Do you really think Riddle is dead?" asked a sniffling Hermione as she sat back up and wiped her red eyes.
"Not sure, my head feels lighter than it ever has, and my magic feels like it is unbound and singing. Of course that could be due to the lack of blood that seems to have migrated south for the winter. Or the almost naked witch straddling me. Care to explain that, Hermione?" asked a smiling Harry.
"Silly girl said I was a frigid prude because of my swimsuit, and that she would be the alpha in the harem. I think we settled that didn't we Daphne?" smirked Hermione, as she reached out and pinched Daphne's erect nipple.
"Yes, Mistress!" squeaked a flushed Daphne.
"Well then, off with your trunks Harry! I am getting that monster inside of me before a herd of nargles carries you off to who knows where!" purred Hermione as she undid the ties on the sides of her suit.
The next morning.
"I swear, my hands will look like prunes for the next week!" complained a gingerly limping Daphne.
"You're the one who still wanted to figure out the clue!" laughed a smiling Harry.
"Yes, well the password might have changed, and since we were already there..." explained Daphne.
"Ha! Slut! You just wanted to shag in the tub!" snarked a bowlegged, but ecstatic Hermione.
As they entered the Great Hall, Neville ran up to the trio. He started to speak, looked at the trio as he tilted his head, closed his mouth, and then shook his head to clear it. "OK, I know what you three were up to, but where have you three been? Have you heard?"
"Heard what Longbottom?" asked a suddenly wary Daphne.
"Snape, half of the upper year Slytherins, Malfoy, Professor Moody, and Ron and Ginny were all found dead last night. They think Voldemort is dead!" yelled a jubilant Neville.
"Wait, Ron and Ginny are dead?" asked a pale Harry.
"Well, except for the Twins and Arthur, all of the Weasleys are. Turns out Molly was a dark witch, and had been love potioning Arthur for years. She had been having an affair with Lucius Malfoy, and several Death Eaters, and only the twins were Arthur's biological children. They had actually marked the children at birth! Draco and Ron had the mark on their arses, and well, lets just see Ginny's was on the front side. They found their diaries, and Ron was going to imperious Hermione into his girlfriend, and Ginny was going to seduce Harry. She had actually planned to do it first year after you "saved" her from the Basilisk." explained a blushing Neville.
"WHAT!" fumed Hermione, suddenly wanting to cast several Unforgivables.
"Uh, well she was planning to offer herself to him as a way to pay off the lifedebt she owed him for saving her. She figured he would do it just to help her out, and not knowing any better." stammered a nervous Neville.
"That BITCH! I knew she was a slag, she had slept with 3/4 of the Slytherin's but to trap Harry like that..." growled Daphne.
"Trap Harry? What do you mean Daphne? And why didn't you tell us she was such a slag?" asked a raging Hermione.
"With Harry agreeing to marry her to pay off the life debt, he would be bound to her, and there are no divorces in magical marriage. And as for the second? Well, I thought you knew? Where did you think she had kept disappearing to during the chamber thing, and after her first year?" asked Daphne.
Harry and Hermione both looked at each other, and closed their gaping mouths.
"Huh." they both chorused.
A/N Okay, might do more on this, but I doubt it.
"I own nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! Nothing!"
Part II
Harry was a very, very happy wizard. Accepting Hermione and Daphne's offer of help in deciphering the egg was leading to a memory that could launch a battalion of Patronus. He was currently in the Prefect's tub, with two scantily clad witches, covered in bubbles. To top it off, he was currently under the water, trying to focus on whatever the hell the egg was babbling about, looking at the amazing legs of the two witches in the tub with him.
Flashback
Hermione, being a proper muggle girl had brought a proper, modest dark one piece swimsuit to wear. Daphne, a proper Pureblood heiress, was all for following the old ways, and being skyclad with Harry in the tub. A blushing Hermione had refused this, and to support her, Harry had said he would go back to the tower with her. This had led to a sudden huddle between the two girls, as neither seemed to actually want that.
After a great deal of giggling, and furtive looks back towards Harry, the two witches had come to an agreement. Hermione shook Daphne's hand as both gave a firm nod, and uttered "So mote it be!" With a green flash around both girls, they both turned and smiled at Harry. The witches then took Hermione's modest one piece suit, split it into four pieces of fabric, and then transfigured it into even smaller pieces of fabric. "Go ahead and get in the tub Harry!" said Hermione. "We're just going to change and use the loo, be right back!" giggled a flushed Daphne. With that the two girls had run into the girls changing room.
Harry entered the steaming tub, and relaxed. Knowing that he had the smartest and most devious witches helping him in this bloody tournament made everything seem better. Although, he wasn't always sure which title went with which witch sometimes. Some of the looks Hermione had been giving him during the negotiating with Daphne made him a little nervous. She looked eerily like that Hungarian Horntail during the first task.
'Wonder what is taking the girls so long in there?' thought Harry, idly splashing in the tub. He swam to the edge of the tub and tried to listen in.
"Huh! I would have thought you would be just as bushy...as..." came the amused voice of Daphne, from the unclosed door.
"Honestly! Didn't you read the charms book yet? ...much more sanitary, and...easy charm and..." came the lecturing voice of Hermione.
"REALLY? Well, yours' looks so cute, why not? Is it hard..." giggled Daphne.
"...Certainly hope it will be...here let me..." laughed Hermione.
"Oooooooooo, that....tickles!" moaned Daphne.
"Doesn't it just, though? Here let me put this salve on it will keep..." muttered Hermione.
'What in the hell were those two girls up to?' wondered Harry.
"Oh my goddess!! Granger what in the seven hells are you...nevermind...carry...on..." gasped Daphne.
A few minutes later, Hermione came out, closely followed by a blushing Daphne. Hermione could have only looked more smug with a mouthful of feathers, and a dazed Daphne was wide eyed and kept glancing back and forth between Hermione and Harry. Harry arched an eyebrow at Hermione, who simply smiled wider, showing her teeth. 'There was that Horntail look again!' worried Harry. Harry knew that Hermione was fine, and that everything was going as she planned. Of course, in this particular instance, Harry was not sure of all of the details of her plan. But he trusted her.
Then Harry's eyes went from the two girls faces, and he finally noticed the attire of the two girls. He suddenly realized four important things.
1.) They had left at least 90% of the material back in the changing room.
2.) These two friends were most assuredly females of the species and smoking hot ones at that!
3.) He was very glad he was in water up to his chest.
4.) He would ALWAYS trust Hermione from here on out. To hell with that ginger bastard Ron!
"Uh, Ladies, you look amazing. Would you like to join me in the tub? It seems like it is much warmer here than out there." said Harry, wondering if the heating charms had failed on the castle flagstones. Both witches looked very...cold, and he noticed they both seemed to have a shiver. Although, maybe they did not need to fix the warming charm if it was broken?
Hermione grabbed Daphne's hand and led them both into the tub. Harry had never wanted to be a body of water before, but he would have traded his very soul at that moment to be the water lapping up the bodies of the two beauties in the tub with him. He had the sudden understanding of Hermione's passion for studying. He would be more than willing to quit Quidditch and give up magic just to do an exhaustive study of the natural buoyancy and water displacement of certain spherical objects currently bobbing in the water of the tub.
"...thing worked out as to position now Harry, do you agree? Good! Now, about the egg...giggle Harry. Harry! Eyes up Harry!" laughed a clearly amused Hermione.
Harry finally stopped nodding, and tore his eyes away from the standard models of perfection in spherical objects. "Uhhh, right egg! Hold on a second!" stammered Harry, as he swam to the side of the tub and grabbed the egg. He was opening it as he turned around, and saw Hermione pressed to the back of Daphne with her arms wrapped around her. She seemed to be straightening the minuscule thong that Daphne was obviously quite uncomfortable in. As Harry flushed, he slipped and fell below the surface of the water. The Egg sprang open, and instead of screeching, Harry heard a melodious voice singing...something something something.
Harry was much more interested in the two witches in front of him.
END FLASHBACK
Hermione had been doing very interesting things to Daphne, leading to moans Harry could hear over the caterwauling of that cursed egg. Suddenly both sets of witches hands left the water and raised above the foam.
'What were the two witches up to no...' thought Harry before he suddenly clutched his head in agony. His scar seemed to be bursting wide open, and he could hardly think. He was looking at the bottom of the tub, and there was a firm hand pushing him under water. Air! He was drowning! What was that fool doing? He was the most powerful wizard of all time, and he was being drowned like some squib bastard child! He was trying to call forth his loyal Death Eaters when suddenly his head was smashed against the bottom of the tub and he lost his focus. He flailed desperately, trying to free himself, when he heard Wormtail's voice.
"Forgive me Lilly, I'm sorry James! Sirius and Remus please take care of Harry...he's such a dear boy. Harry, thank you for your kindness and trust, I hope you live a full and happy life!" sobbed Wormtail. He felt an immense weight crushing his chest, and suddenly he began to cough.
"...ohgodohgodohgodwebrokehimknewitwastoofastdamnhornyminxyouvedrownedthemanyoulovenownoonewillwantyouexpelledwandsnappedoldmaiddsurroundedbykneazleslikefigg!" screamed Hermione, as she straddled Harry trying to perform chest compressions on Harry. He had suddenly dropped below the surface of the water and she thought he would enjoy the view, so she had started whispering in Daphne's ear, while stroking the lower half of the girl's swimsuit. She had taken off Daphne's top, who had dutifully removed hers, when she had noticed the roiling water, and the bubbles coming to the surface stopping.
They had had to literally fight off a delusional and choking Harry, and bodily dragged him to the side of the tub. She had not found a pulse, so she quickly checked his airway, and started chest compressions. While she was counting in her head, she instructed Daphne on how to perform rescue breathing for Harry. Daphne had shakily nodded, and done exactly as she had been told. Finally, there had been a green flash, and Harry had turned his head to the side and started coughing up the water in his chest. Hermione had shoved Daphne to the side, and proceeded to do a thorough inspection of Harry's tonsils.
",,,,mmmff, Hermione, what happened?" asked a dazed Harry. Hermione was too distraught to talk, and merely buried her heard under his chin, sobbing.
"You drowned Potter! You went under the water and didn't come back up! What the hell were you doing you crazy fool!" chided an angry Daphne.
"First off, I think you can call me Harry, seeing as you are only some candy floss away from being in your birthday suit in front of me, Daphne. Secondly, I was distracted by what you two minxes were doing when I had a vision from Voldemort. It seems Peter decided to fulfill the life debt he owed me. He drowned the homunculus of Voldemort in a bathtub. I heard him ask for forgiveness, and then I was being pounded on the chest by our bushy haired amazon here, and snogged senseless by the two of you. I didn't think you were into rough stuff there Hermione?" laughed Harry.
SNIFFLE
"You'll find there isn't much I won't be up for with the man I love you prat! Although if you scare me like that again, you won't have the equipment to do more than watch! Do you really think Riddle is dead?" asked a sniffling Hermione as she sat back up and wiped her red eyes.
"Not sure, my head feels lighter than it ever has, and my magic feels like it is unbound and singing. Of course that could be due to the lack of blood that seems to have migrated south for the winter. Or the almost naked witch straddling me. Care to explain that, Hermione?" asked a smiling Harry.
"Silly girl said I was a frigid prude because of my swimsuit, and that she would be the alpha in the harem. I think we settled that didn't we Daphne?" smirked Hermione, as she reached out and pinched Daphne's erect nipple.
"Yes, Mistress!" squeaked a flushed Daphne.
"Well then, off with your trunks Harry! I am getting that monster inside of me before a herd of nargles carries you off to who knows where!" purred Hermione as she undid the ties on the sides of her suit.
The next morning.
"I swear, my hands will look like prunes for the next week!" complained a gingerly limping Daphne.
"You're the one who still wanted to figure out the clue!" laughed a smiling Harry.
"Yes, well the password might have changed, and since we were already there..." explained Daphne.
"Ha! Slut! You just wanted to shag in the tub!" snarked a bowlegged, but ecstatic Hermione.
As they entered the Great Hall, Neville ran up to the trio. He started to speak, looked at the trio as he tilted his head, closed his mouth, and then shook his head to clear it. "OK, I know what you three were up to, but where have you three been? Have you heard?"
"Heard what Longbottom?" asked a suddenly wary Daphne.
"Snape, half of the upper year Slytherins, Malfoy, Professor Moody, and Ron and Ginny were all found dead last night. They think Voldemort is dead!" yelled a jubilant Neville.
"Wait, Ron and Ginny are dead?" asked a pale Harry.
"Well, except for the Twins and Arthur, all of the Weasleys are. Turns out Molly was a dark witch, and had been love potioning Arthur for years. She had been having an affair with Lucius Malfoy, and several Death Eaters, and only the twins were Arthur's biological children. They had actually marked the children at birth! Draco and Ron had the mark on their arses, and well, lets just see Ginny's was on the front side. They found their diaries, and Ron was going to imperious Hermione into his girlfriend, and Ginny was going to seduce Harry. She had actually planned to do it first year after you "saved" her from the Basilisk." explained a blushing Neville.
"WHAT!" fumed Hermione, suddenly wanting to cast several Unforgivables.
"Uh, well she was planning to offer herself to him as a way to pay off the lifedebt she owed him for saving her. She figured he would do it just to help her out, and not knowing any better." stammered a nervous Neville.
"That BITCH! I knew she was a slag, she had slept with 3/4 of the Slytherin's but to trap Harry like that..." growled Daphne.
"Trap Harry? What do you mean Daphne? And why didn't you tell us she was such a slag?" asked a raging Hermione.
"With Harry agreeing to marry her to pay off the life debt, he would be bound to her, and there are no divorces in magical marriage. And as for the second? Well, I thought you knew? Where did you think she had kept disappearing to during the chamber thing, and after her first year?" asked Daphne.
Harry and Hermione both looked at each other, and closed their gaping mouths.
"Huh." they both chorused.
A/N Okay, might do more on this, but I doubt it.
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