FicWad

Days passed and with them, Gerard's good mood. He logged in to check his account at every given opportunity but Kelly had yet to reply. He consoled himself with the fact that she hadn't updated since he messaged her or appeared to comment anyone else either so maybe she hadn't read his message but he couldn't help but worry he'd missed the opportunity. If only he'd replied earlier.

He whiled away the long hours stuck on the bus as they travelled from city to city, mulling over the many reasons why she hadn't been online and each scenario he dreamt up caused him more frustration and anxiousness than the last.

The promotion was going well, very well, and the band were on top form as they gave performance after performance but no matter where he was or what his attention was on a small part of his mind persistently wondered about Kelly.

On the sixth day after he had replied he waited until the bus was deathly quiet and only the gentle sounds of heavy breathing could be heard before sliding out of his bunk and heading to his favorite spot at the back of the bus. He swiftly logged in and waited with baited breath, as the screen loaded he exhaled sharply. Finally. Clicking on her message he felt his pulse race whilst his eyes swept her words.

J
Again, I'm so sorry but I don't remember you, what did we talk about??? I have a terrible memory so you'll have to remind me.
Anyway, things are picking up for me so I can't complain.
Look forward to you jogging my memory.
Kel
x

Gerard smiled to himself, he knew she wouldn't ignore him, she couldn't, it wasn't in her nature to be openly rude to anyone let alone someone claiming to be an old acquaintance. He began typing out his response purposely deciding to lace it with details only a true acquaintance would know.

Kel,
Don't feel too bad, like I said it was quite a while ago. I had a few issues so went offline for a long time but now they're all resolved I'm back to causing mayhem in cyber land.
We used to talk about all sorts of crap, you often mentioned your friend who was in a band, in fact I think you were usually chatting to him and me at the same time - you never said which band it was though-

He smirked to himself as his fingers caressed the keys.

- I hope they hit the big time like you wanted them to.
What else? You were starting a new job, something to do with the film industry, a runner I think. How did that work out for you?
I see you're now single. I'm sorry about that, break ups are never easy but I'm sure you'll get through it, from what I remember of you, you're not the type to sit around and wallow, you're stronger than that.
Okay, I think that's enough for now. I'm online everyday so hopefully I'll hear back from you soon.
Take it easy.
J
xo

He quickly reread his message before sending it and once again his body buzzed with electrified anticipation. Leaning his head back he pulled her image out of his memory and smiled as he imagined her pretty face scrunching up in surprise and confusion as she read his words.

The gentle swaying of the bus combined with the constant purring of the engine lulled him in to a peaceful slumber only awaking when the engine finally died. He blinked through the darkness, taking a few seconds to remember why he was asleep in the lounge rather than his bunk before glancing back to his open laptop.

"Stupid." He muttered quietly, his eyes darting to the door which he knew Mikey could quite easily have walked through at any moment.

Shaking his head at his own stupidity he moved to shut off the machine. He turned back to the laptop and clicked refresh, more out of habit than curiosity, and sat up straighter as he found himself looking at one new message. She was online and she'd replied.

In the background the engine roared back to life but Gerard hardly noticed. His heart swelled as his lips curled up into an ecstatic smile as he hungrily absorbed her message.

J
I'm glad to hear you've managed to sort out the problems you were having but I must confess, my mind is still drawing a blank on you - sorry.

Yeah I started as a runner but, I don't know if I ever told you so if I'm repeating myself do forgive me, I majored in editing and I'm now an editor. Nothing major, just a few programs for a small cable channel but hey, it's a start right?

As for being single again, I'll be completely honest with you, things between me and Tom were rocky for a long time, we should have given it up as a bad job years ago so it's more of a relief now that I've had time to wrap my head around it. Between you and me, I fell for someone else in a big way a couple of years ago, not that I ever acted on it, and since then we'd been on a downward spiral. But I'm enjoying the single life now, if you know what I mean?!

The band, wow, yeah, they're doing pretty well for themselves. They've just completed a new album and from what I've heard of it, it's fucking awesome, but sadly I don't have any contact with that 'friend' anymore. Seems I'm not Hollywood enough for that particular person now but I wish them well.
Anyway enough about me? Tell me all about yourself (again - seeing as my memory is so crappy)
Love n hugs,
Kel
xxx

Gerard bit back the tears as her words stabbed through his fragile heart. How could she possibly think that she wasn't good enough for him? That he didn't want or need her because she wasn't famous? Did she really think him so superficial and shallow? Didn't she know him at all? He bit down on his lip, trapping it painfully between his teeth as he fought back the overwhelming grief.

But what was she supposed to think when he cut himself out of her life just as things were going so well for the band? What else could she think? She knew how selfish and self centered he was - used to be. It was a natural conclusion for her to jump to.

He wrapped his arms around his torso as the realization of her animosity towards him hit home. He couldn't blame her of course, but it hurt never the less. She hated him.

"I'm so sorry angel." He whispered as the hot tears threatened to spill.

Maybe Mikey had been right, perhaps he should have stayed out of her life completely. She seemed to be handling the break up remarkably well. From the sounds of it, her relationship with Tom had been rocky for a while now, if only it had happened a few years earlier.

His bleary vision settled back on her words.

Should have given it up as a bad job years ago.

His life could have taken such a different course if she had. He could have spent the last few years in exquisite bliss with her by his side. If only.

I fell for someone else in a big way a couple of years ago, not that I ever acted on it.

His heart skipped a beat as he reread her message. Could that have been him? Had she secretly fallen for him and refused to say anything about it because she had been married?

As quickly as the hope swelled a crash of reality smothered it. She liked Mikey; she had admitted her crush on him quite openly. If she was talking about any member of the Way family she clearly meant his younger brother. His younger brother who slept soundly in his bed at night with his simple wedding band assuring him of the love he shared with the woman who had become his life. His all.

And as for Gerard? He was left to masquerade as a fictional character on the internet to spend time with the woman he loved. A woman who held no more compassion in her bottomless heart for the ugly monster she now thought he was. Maybe she was right, perhaps he deserved her hatred.

Kel,
I'm happy that you're not in any pain but I'm sorry you're jackass 'friend' couldn't see that you're worth a universe full of those "Hollywood types". Sounds like you're better off without him anyway, anyone who treats you like that doesn't deserve to wipe the shit from your shoes let alone call you friend. You're an angel and deserve friends who can treat you as such.

His self loathing poured out as he furiously hit the keys with venomous jabs.

Anyway, enough time has been wasted on that asshole.

Gerard leant back and rubbed his forehead. Was it too strong? Would she wonder about his harsh words? He quickly realized that he didn't care, one way or another he had to tell her what he thought of himself and let her know that she couldn't hate him as much as he hated himself - or as much as "J" hated him.

I'm J, 29 years of age and I work in an office. That's about as exciting as my job gets but it does allow me plenty of access to the World Wide Web, if you catch my drift. I'm single, but not through choice. There was, well, is a girl but its way too complicated. I'm in a band with my friends-

He narrowed his eyes as he continued to type, questioning if he was taking it too far but unable to stop himself.

We play covers mainly, a few Smashing Pumpkins, some My Chemical Romance, anything that we like the sound of.
What about you Kel, what do you like doing when you're not sat behind your computer cutting endless hours of footage?
J
xo
P.S. the love and hugs were delightful.

He hit the send button and closed the lid; his body drained both physically and emotionally. He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them.

"If only you knew the truth." He mumbled before sighing deeply.

With a loud grunt he dropped his legs and pushed himself up. He needed sleep. He wanted to get away from the anger in his mind and back to the calmness of his earlier dreams but he knew that that was asking for far too much. At best he would lay and think of her but it was more likely that he would spend the next few hours tossing and turning, detesting himself and pulling apart every conversation he had ever shared with Kelly finding more times he'd unwittingly let her down.

With a resounding sigh he padded back to his bunk and climbed in to await the first light of dawn.

"I love you angel." He whispered, laying his head on his pillow and closing his fatigued eyes.