Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > And I'll End This Direst: a Frerard story
Author's note: Since it's been FOREVER since i last updated (for which i sincerely apologize) i would recommend re-reading the story. you know; just for dramatic purposes =P
once again, i'm really sorry i've been putting this off so long. if anyone's still out there reading this, then this is for you =)
Frank’s POV
The moment Gerard answered that phone, the moment his face fell, the moment he literally dropped the phone and it thudded to the floor, I knew what the hospital was calling to say. An eternity later, it seemed, he mumbled something into the phone and slowly hung it up, looking defeated.
“Gee?” I asked. He didn’t speak; only shook his head, struggling to hold back tears. “Gee,” I tried again. “Talk to me.” Knowing this would be useless, I scooted closer to him and sat him down on the couch, not freeing him of my tight embrace until he did so.
“Bob… not enough… they… couldn’t save...” Gerard stumbled over his words, and I was surprised at how well he was keeping his composure.
“Gee,” I began, but I couldn’t find anything to say. Bob was gone, and we both knew it. Realization didn’t hit me until later, but right now I just wanted to comfort Gerard.
“You said he was going to be strong,” he sniffed, as if it were my fault Bob was dead. “He was supposed to get better, not worse.”
“I know,” was all I could say. I hugged him closer and let my actions speak for me as the dam behind his eyes broke, sending tears spilling down his face. He placed his head on my shoulder and sobbed into my neck, and I didn’t even care that his crying would probably make the red color of my shirt run. I placed my hand on the back of his head, and when Elena walked into the room, I only shook my head, so small it barely moved. She automatically knew why Gerard was crying on the couch, and came to sit with us in a pile of sad people.
It was then that the realization hit me, and the tears suddenly hit me harder. Having Elena acting like the strong backbone of the crying made me remember the fact that I no longer had anyone to call family. It was probably selfish of me to think of my own problems in a time like this, but might as well throw my dice in the pile, right? Maybe it’ll help us heal somehow.
After what seemed like hours of endless, but much needed, reassurance from Elena, Gerard and I fell into a half-sleep right there on top of each other on the couch. Elena maneuvered herself so that she was free of our tangled arms, and she went to bed after making sure we’d be okay together.
Gerard and I sat in silence for a while after she left; just sitting in the dark, listening to each other breathe. It was an extremely comforting sound; it made me feel like I wasn’t alone in the world, like there was someone still living for me. I snuggled up to Gerard more; his crying was starting up again, this time bringing mine with it. Unfortunately, the consequence that came along with being able to hear Gerard’s breathing was being forced to hear my own thoughts as well through the silence.
Bob was gone. Forever. There was going to be no more Bob, ever. He would never be able to come back to let either Gerard or me know that he was going to be fine, or that he was proud of us. He was never going to be able to come back, period. And the only thing that was worse than all of that, though, was that he would never get to hear me tell him thank you. A pang of guilt shot through me as I realized I never got to thank Bob for saving Gerard’s and my life. I never got to thank him.
This revelation brought the tears. I couldn’t think straight; I couldn’t form long and grammatically correct sentences, even in my head. I remembered Gerard, and squeezed him closer to me, but he was already keeping me close to him, as if reassuring himself that I was still here, too.
Gerard’s POV
“Gee?” Frank asked. I didn’t want to answer; the dark silence was comforting, in a way. Frank’s warmth through the dark silence was all I needed to survive, it seemed. I somewhat perked my head in his general direction instead of answering, and he continued, “Just making sure you were still… awake.”
Making sure I was still alive, you mean, I thought. “Yeah, I’m awake,” I reassured him, trying to smile through the darkness. It was pointless, since he wouldn’t be able to see it, anyway, but you can hear it in someone’s voice if they’re smiling or not. “I’m just… thinking. That’s all.”
He was quiet for another moment, then said, “Me too.” I considered hugging him tighter then, but if he were any closer, we’d practically be wearing the same shirt. “Gee?” he asked again.
“Yeah? I’m here,” I said softly, picking my head up from his shoulder, or chest, or wherever it was. I found his neck and pulled it towards me, so that his head was the one on my chest. He sighed, did something that sounded like a mix of a sob and a whimper, and breathed a long breath out, sending hot air down my shirt. Pretty soon I felt little wet spots on my t-shirt, and I knew he was thinking about the same things I was. Only, he didn’t have to think about all this being his mistake, or the fact that Bob would still be alive if he weren’t. I shuddered at the thought that Bob still had a chance at life if it weren’t for me.
After this long pause, Frank whispered, “Promise you will never leave me. Please, don’t go. Promise me.” He had his face buried deep in my shirt, and he was still crying a little, but I understood him nevertheless. I had to say, I was surprised by this. I thought surely, after me killing one of our friends, Frank would want nothing to do with me. Apparently, I was wrong. “Gee?” he asked, sounding a little frantic at my non-response.
“I’m not going anywhere, I promise,” I said, kissing him on the top of his head. “I love you, Frankie.”
“I love you, too,” he said, running his hands over my stomach and chest. Another few moments passed, and then, “Gee, I… thank you.”
This startled me, too. He had absolutely no reason to be thanking me, at all. I knew I had heard him wrong. “Thank you? For what?”
“For keeping me alive,” he said simply. I could tell he was starting to fall asleep; his breathing was getting slower and deeper. “For giving me a family; for teaching me about life. For loving me; no one’s done that in a while. I wanted to thank you before it was too late and I wouldn’t be able to anymore.”
I nodded. “I understand.” Much like I hadn’t done to Bob. “I also want to thank you. If it weren’t for you, I would have no reason to live. You taught me how to trust; something I haven’t done since Bert and seventh grade. I also see things in a slightly more positive way.” I laughed a little to myself, but knew it was the truth.
He laughed, too. “You see more positively now? Damn, I would hate to see how you saw things before I walked into your life.” He was smiling now, which is what I was trying to go for. I didn’t even have to see his smile to make my smile involuntarily spread across my face. That is what Frankie did to me.
“You have no idea,” I said. “Like, death. I used to see death as some horrible punishment for everyone; now I can see some beauty in it.”
Frank looked up a little at me. “Really?” He sounded a little impressed, or shocked that I would see things like death as beautiful.
“Yeah. Like when I was hanging around with Bert, I didn’t think my life could get any worse, at first. Sure, some days were better than others, as long as I was high or drunk. But I got help from my boyfriend, and when he was gone, I saw my opportunity to show him that I could be strong and defiant against Bert. Which I did; I showed both him and Bert that I could carry on. It was the saddest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it was also the best thing that I’ve ever done.”
“You are strong,” he whispered against my chest. I shrugged it off, because I knew it wasn’t true. “Do you see any beauty in this situation?”
I really didn’t; not right then. It was too soon to think about the possible good sides to this provision. “Not exactly. Right now, I’m just thinking about how much of a screw-up I am for letting Bob’s life end so soon. I mean, he had his whole life ahead of him. He could have been a great drummer, or a doctor or something. Now he’s just another death statistic, another missed opportunity.”
“He’s not a missed opportunity,” Frank argued. “He showed us all a few things about living and caring. He’s still teaching us, if we listen.”
“It’s like listening to a sad song,” I replied, growing sleepy. “Another sad song, with nothing to say. Bob's gone, so we're gonna be in the dark. That kinda makes Bob like a sunset, doesn't it?”
Frank nodded silently. “An early sunset over Monroeville.”
once again, i'm really sorry i've been putting this off so long. if anyone's still out there reading this, then this is for you =)
Frank’s POV
The moment Gerard answered that phone, the moment his face fell, the moment he literally dropped the phone and it thudded to the floor, I knew what the hospital was calling to say. An eternity later, it seemed, he mumbled something into the phone and slowly hung it up, looking defeated.
“Gee?” I asked. He didn’t speak; only shook his head, struggling to hold back tears. “Gee,” I tried again. “Talk to me.” Knowing this would be useless, I scooted closer to him and sat him down on the couch, not freeing him of my tight embrace until he did so.
“Bob… not enough… they… couldn’t save...” Gerard stumbled over his words, and I was surprised at how well he was keeping his composure.
“Gee,” I began, but I couldn’t find anything to say. Bob was gone, and we both knew it. Realization didn’t hit me until later, but right now I just wanted to comfort Gerard.
“You said he was going to be strong,” he sniffed, as if it were my fault Bob was dead. “He was supposed to get better, not worse.”
“I know,” was all I could say. I hugged him closer and let my actions speak for me as the dam behind his eyes broke, sending tears spilling down his face. He placed his head on my shoulder and sobbed into my neck, and I didn’t even care that his crying would probably make the red color of my shirt run. I placed my hand on the back of his head, and when Elena walked into the room, I only shook my head, so small it barely moved. She automatically knew why Gerard was crying on the couch, and came to sit with us in a pile of sad people.
It was then that the realization hit me, and the tears suddenly hit me harder. Having Elena acting like the strong backbone of the crying made me remember the fact that I no longer had anyone to call family. It was probably selfish of me to think of my own problems in a time like this, but might as well throw my dice in the pile, right? Maybe it’ll help us heal somehow.
After what seemed like hours of endless, but much needed, reassurance from Elena, Gerard and I fell into a half-sleep right there on top of each other on the couch. Elena maneuvered herself so that she was free of our tangled arms, and she went to bed after making sure we’d be okay together.
Gerard and I sat in silence for a while after she left; just sitting in the dark, listening to each other breathe. It was an extremely comforting sound; it made me feel like I wasn’t alone in the world, like there was someone still living for me. I snuggled up to Gerard more; his crying was starting up again, this time bringing mine with it. Unfortunately, the consequence that came along with being able to hear Gerard’s breathing was being forced to hear my own thoughts as well through the silence.
Bob was gone. Forever. There was going to be no more Bob, ever. He would never be able to come back to let either Gerard or me know that he was going to be fine, or that he was proud of us. He was never going to be able to come back, period. And the only thing that was worse than all of that, though, was that he would never get to hear me tell him thank you. A pang of guilt shot through me as I realized I never got to thank Bob for saving Gerard’s and my life. I never got to thank him.
This revelation brought the tears. I couldn’t think straight; I couldn’t form long and grammatically correct sentences, even in my head. I remembered Gerard, and squeezed him closer to me, but he was already keeping me close to him, as if reassuring himself that I was still here, too.
Gerard’s POV
“Gee?” Frank asked. I didn’t want to answer; the dark silence was comforting, in a way. Frank’s warmth through the dark silence was all I needed to survive, it seemed. I somewhat perked my head in his general direction instead of answering, and he continued, “Just making sure you were still… awake.”
Making sure I was still alive, you mean, I thought. “Yeah, I’m awake,” I reassured him, trying to smile through the darkness. It was pointless, since he wouldn’t be able to see it, anyway, but you can hear it in someone’s voice if they’re smiling or not. “I’m just… thinking. That’s all.”
He was quiet for another moment, then said, “Me too.” I considered hugging him tighter then, but if he were any closer, we’d practically be wearing the same shirt. “Gee?” he asked again.
“Yeah? I’m here,” I said softly, picking my head up from his shoulder, or chest, or wherever it was. I found his neck and pulled it towards me, so that his head was the one on my chest. He sighed, did something that sounded like a mix of a sob and a whimper, and breathed a long breath out, sending hot air down my shirt. Pretty soon I felt little wet spots on my t-shirt, and I knew he was thinking about the same things I was. Only, he didn’t have to think about all this being his mistake, or the fact that Bob would still be alive if he weren’t. I shuddered at the thought that Bob still had a chance at life if it weren’t for me.
After this long pause, Frank whispered, “Promise you will never leave me. Please, don’t go. Promise me.” He had his face buried deep in my shirt, and he was still crying a little, but I understood him nevertheless. I had to say, I was surprised by this. I thought surely, after me killing one of our friends, Frank would want nothing to do with me. Apparently, I was wrong. “Gee?” he asked, sounding a little frantic at my non-response.
“I’m not going anywhere, I promise,” I said, kissing him on the top of his head. “I love you, Frankie.”
“I love you, too,” he said, running his hands over my stomach and chest. Another few moments passed, and then, “Gee, I… thank you.”
This startled me, too. He had absolutely no reason to be thanking me, at all. I knew I had heard him wrong. “Thank you? For what?”
“For keeping me alive,” he said simply. I could tell he was starting to fall asleep; his breathing was getting slower and deeper. “For giving me a family; for teaching me about life. For loving me; no one’s done that in a while. I wanted to thank you before it was too late and I wouldn’t be able to anymore.”
I nodded. “I understand.” Much like I hadn’t done to Bob. “I also want to thank you. If it weren’t for you, I would have no reason to live. You taught me how to trust; something I haven’t done since Bert and seventh grade. I also see things in a slightly more positive way.” I laughed a little to myself, but knew it was the truth.
He laughed, too. “You see more positively now? Damn, I would hate to see how you saw things before I walked into your life.” He was smiling now, which is what I was trying to go for. I didn’t even have to see his smile to make my smile involuntarily spread across my face. That is what Frankie did to me.
“You have no idea,” I said. “Like, death. I used to see death as some horrible punishment for everyone; now I can see some beauty in it.”
Frank looked up a little at me. “Really?” He sounded a little impressed, or shocked that I would see things like death as beautiful.
“Yeah. Like when I was hanging around with Bert, I didn’t think my life could get any worse, at first. Sure, some days were better than others, as long as I was high or drunk. But I got help from my boyfriend, and when he was gone, I saw my opportunity to show him that I could be strong and defiant against Bert. Which I did; I showed both him and Bert that I could carry on. It was the saddest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it was also the best thing that I’ve ever done.”
“You are strong,” he whispered against my chest. I shrugged it off, because I knew it wasn’t true. “Do you see any beauty in this situation?”
I really didn’t; not right then. It was too soon to think about the possible good sides to this provision. “Not exactly. Right now, I’m just thinking about how much of a screw-up I am for letting Bob’s life end so soon. I mean, he had his whole life ahead of him. He could have been a great drummer, or a doctor or something. Now he’s just another death statistic, another missed opportunity.”
“He’s not a missed opportunity,” Frank argued. “He showed us all a few things about living and caring. He’s still teaching us, if we listen.”
“It’s like listening to a sad song,” I replied, growing sleepy. “Another sad song, with nothing to say. Bob's gone, so we're gonna be in the dark. That kinda makes Bob like a sunset, doesn't it?”
Frank nodded silently. “An early sunset over Monroeville.”
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