Just a stupid one-shot. The song has nothing to do with the story :)
I wrapped my thin jacket around myself tighter, trying to preserve some body heat. It didn’t help that much, though. All I had on was a thin jacket, short sleeved T-Shirt and jeans. My Vans were beaten up and my socks had holes.
I followed a familiar road, dragging my frozen feet along the white ground. I knew the Way's had gone to Australia but they had a verandah. I could perch there for a while. Maybe even find a place behind a potted plant to block some of the cold Jersey air.
As I approached the house, I saw some lights on. I didn’t think too much about it. Donna might have accidently left them on or she could have left them on so when she got home, the house wasnt as dark.
On the front door step was a blanket. I looked at it for a minute. Was Donna expecting me to get kicked out?
I walked up the steps, them creaking loudly under my feet. I was halfway towards the blanket when the front door opened.
'Hey.' A soft voice said. I looked up at the door. My heart stopped beating for a moment, not from fear, from pure amazement.
'Gerard.' I whispered. My eyes traveled up his slim body. He'd lost a lot of weight, dyed his hair black again and grown it back. He'd gone back to wearing eyeliner.
'Come inside before you freeze.' He said, taking my hand and pulling me into the warmth. He pulled me into the lounge room, making me sit on the couch I had slept on so many times before.
'Why are you out so late, Frankie?' He asked, sitting next to me.
'Mum kicked me out....' I said, dropping my eyes to the floor.
'What for?' He asked. I stood up, ready to leave. I couldn’t tell him why I got kicked out. It was embarrassing.
'No, stay.' He said quickly, grabbing my hand again and pulling me onto is lap.
'Gerard, please. I don’t want to talk about it.' I whispered.
'That's fine. Just... Stay. Please?' He begged. I made the mistake of looking into his hazel eyes, I could never resist him when I did.
'Okay.' He pulled me closer to him, making me lean my head against his chest. His arms wrapped around me, keeping me warm.
We sat there for a while, not saying a word or moving. The phone rang twice. The first time, Gerard left it. The second, he lifted me off him and answered it. He was gone for a little bit, giving me time to think.
'Come on, Frankie. Your clothes are wet.' Gerard said as he walked back in the room. I followed him down to the basement. It'd always been his room, ever since I remembered. He dug through his draws, chucking a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt at me. I slid my clothes off and put the ones he gave me on.
'Why aren’t you with your family?' I asked as I got dressed.
'I don’t like the sun, you know that,' He said. I nodded and sat on his bed.
'Why won’t you tell me?' He asked. I knew what he was talking about. I sighed and gave in.
'She kicked me out because I told her I was gay and I wasnt a virgin. Happy? My life is fucked because I slept with you.' I said a little too harshly.
He dropped his head, shuffling his feet like he always did when he was nervous or worried.
'I'm sorry. I should go.'
'No!.... Frank, I'm sorry, okay. It's my fault you got kicked out. I'm sorry I took what’s so precious to you and I'm sorry that I left you. I didn’t want to. I love you. I always have and I screwed everything up for drugs and alcohol. If I could turn back time (("If I could find a way.")), I would change everything.' He said, a few tears rolling down his cheeks.
'Gee.... It's not your fault. I loved... love you and I thought it was the right thing. Maybe it was and I wasn’t meant to open my big mouth but I did. I can't go home. Just.... I'll leave now before I get too attached. There’s a men’s shelter not far from here.' I said, standing up again. He didn’t stop me this time so I kept going. I was half way down the street when the tears began to fall. How could I let someone like Gerard go? How could I leave him and let someone claim what I knew was mine?
I had to stop walking. The tears in my eyes made it hard to see, even harder when the snow was falling heavier. I shivered a lot, seeing as I was only in pajama pants and a short sleeve shirt.
I had only made it a few houses down when I fell to the ground, shaking violently. I curled into the smallest ball I could, trying to stay slightly warm.
I lost track of how long I lay in the snow. There was no one in the street, no cars passing. I was aware of footsteps coming closer but I couldn’t comprehend what that meant. It felt like my brain had frozen along with my body.
There was a soft thud next to me and a pair of warm hands on my ribs. It took my brain over a minute to understand I was being picked up and carried away. I couldn’t see who had me but I felt oddly safe. I hid my face in the person’s chest, trying to find some warmth.
I could smell something familiar. Diesel Green.
‘Gerard?’ I groaned. I could feel his body shaking, hear his teeth chattering from the cold. He didn’t answer me, he just kept walking. I kept my eyes closed and my face buried in his chest. He walked us back inside, kicking the door closed.
‘Why won’t you let me leave?’ I asked as he lay me down on the couch. He laid a blanket over me and tucked the sides around my body.
‘You’ll die out there, Frankie. You’re too thin to bare the cold.’ He whispered. A few more tears fell from his eyes. No matter what I told myself and my mother, I still loved him with all my heart. He was my first boyfriend. He took my virginity and I could never regret that.
‘You’re thinner than me, Gee.’ I said, wiping the tears away with my thumb. He lent his head against my hand, mewling a bit.
‘What do you expect? Any form of drug eats away at the human body.’ He said. A shiver ran up my spine. I knew what drugs did to your body but just imagining Gerard being eaten from the inside out made me was to hurl and cry at the same time.
‘Stay here tonight, please. You can sleep in any bed you like, if that makes you happy.’ He whispered, turning away from me. I bit my lip. I knew which bed I wanted to sleep in but I was afraid to voice it.
‘I know where you want to sleep, Frankie, and it’s okay. You can stay in my bed if you want.’ He said. I sat up and touched his shoulder.
‘I’m not kicking you out of your own bed, Gerard.’ I said firmly. He looked up at me. The tears had stopped but he still looked sad.
‘I want you to be happy, Frankie.’ He whispered. My heart swelled, tingles going up my spine. I hadn’t felt that since before Gerard had left me, a year ago.
‘I’m only happy when I’m with you.’ I whispered, wrapping my arms around his neck. His arms slowly wound around my waist, pulling me against his chest.
‘I’m so sorry I left you. Please, please forgive me!’ He whispered, squeezing me. I set my lips at his ear, squeezing him back.
‘I love you, Gerard.’ I whispered. He pulled away, holding me at arm’s length. He looked shocked, his eyes searching my face.
‘I hated you for leaving me but I never stopped loving you.’ I said, taking hold of his hands. I pulled myself back to his chest, hugging him tight. I felt all the tension I’d been harboring for the past 12 months finally leave my body. My heart felt lighter, like it could flutter like a free butterfly rather than being squished under pounds of pressure. I unwrapped my arms from him and slid away, gathering my thoughts before I could make any assumptions.
‘Frankie?’ Gerard whispered, reaching forward for my hand. I moved back more so he couldn’t quite reach me.
‘Frankie? What’s the matter?’ He asked, not even attempting to touch me again.
‘What does this mean, Gerard? Are we together again? Are we just friends? I need to know my limits. I need you to be a part of my life, no matter how big or small.’ I whispered, looking down at my twinned fingers. I heard Gerard move, his breathing accelerated a bit.
‘I should be on my knees, begging you to take me back, Frankie. I want you. I want you so much but I’m afraid to hurt you again. All the time I’ve been gone, Mikey’s been keeping me up to date on how you are. When he told me about your suicide attempts, I wanted to run back and save you like you saved me so many times but I was scared. I was scared that you’d reject me. I’m selfish, ignorant and not worth your time or love.’ He whispered back, biting his lip. I shook my head.
‘Don’t say that.’ I muttered, still shaking my head. The second he mentioned my suicide attempts, the dreams came flooding back. The dreams that drove me to suicide. I hated them, they made me sick, mentally and physically. I’d wake up in a cold sweat, tears running down my face at the images. I didn’t know if those things had happened to Gerard or not. I didn’t know if he was alive or dead. I didn’t know if he was in some kind of third-world jail, being raped by some AID ridden prisoner.
‘Don’t say what? It’s all true, Frank. Look what I did to you. If I had stayed and cleaned up, you’d be happy. You’d be safe. You’d have a home. You wouldn’t have pulled that gun out and tr-‘
‘That’s my fault! Not yours! I’m weak, I know I am. Don’t take all my wrongs and put them on yourself.’ I yelled, snapping out of the silence I’d put myself in. Gerard looked up at me, fear in his eyes.
‘You didn’t put the gun to my head. You weren’t even in the same state at the time! It was my fault! I wanted to die!’ I yelled, tears finally falling out of rage. My heart was telling me to fight, to get him to believe he was in the right. But my head was telling me to stop before I did something stupid.
‘Calm down, Frankie. Come on, calm down.’ Gerard said, pulling me into his lap and cradling me. I sobbed into his shoulder, feeling the wall I had built to protect myself crumble. I hadn’t cried in a while except for the few I had shed earlier.
‘I need you, Gerard. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I’m not strong enough. I need you to hold me. I need you to tell me I’m doing things right for once.’ I whimpered, clinging to his shirt. He held me tighter, whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I could feel my eyelids drooping. I had had a long day.
‘We’ll talk in the morning. You need to sleep, Frankie.’ Gerard whispered, getting to his feet while I was still in his arms. I let my head rest on his shoulder, taking in everything. The way he smelt, the way his arms felt underneath my weak body, the way I still seemed to fit perfectly against his body.
I could feel the air get colder as we descended his stairs. It was always chilly in the basement but his bed was like lying on the beach. Always toasty warm. Well, it was whenever we had slept in it together. Before he laid me down, he helped me get changed again. I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed to let him change me. He’d seen me naked.
Gerard placed me down gently, draping the blanket over me. He squatted down, brushing his fingers through my hair.
‘Sleep, sugar. I’ll stay on the couch tonight.’ He whispered.
‘No. Stay here with me, please? I don’t like being alone.’ I said, looking up into his hazel eyes. He bit his lip, obviously weighing the options. He nodded after a moment. He walked over to his dresser, pulling out another pair of pajamas. I closed my eyes, giving him some privacy. While we were together, Gerard would never let me watch him get dressed. He always said he didn’t have the perfect body like me.
I felt the bed dip a bit and the blanket life off me. I opened my eyes and rolled to my back, laying shoulder to shoulder with Gerard. His was looking up at the ceiling, clearly uncomfortable. I slowly flipped to my side, resting my head over his heart and my hand on his ribs. He slowly wound one arm around me, holding my tight against his side. The heat from his body kept me warm, made me tingle all over. I’d forgotten what it felt like to be held through the night.
I let my eyes fall. I needed sleep, there was no doubt about that. I let myself sleep, I let myself be taken away by my mind.
Blood. Everywhere. Floors, walls. I stood in the middle of the blood-stained room, looking around for some way out. There had to be a way out, I got in didn’t I?
“Frankie?” A strained voice called. I followed it, unsure what else I could do other than stand there. I followed the voice. It lead me to a wall. I tried to push it. Nothing but blood came from the wall. Where my hands were, the blood had been rubbed, revealing a mirror. I wiped some of the blood away. I gasped. Gerard stood behind the glass, bleeding from every inch of visible skin.
‘G-Gee?’ I asked in a raspy voice, unsure if it was him or not.
‘Help-p me. Please baby.’ He whispered. I was at a loss of what to do. I was afraid to smash the glass incase it hurt him. Before I had time to think of another plan, a dark shadow walked up behind Gerard. I tried to tell him, to warn him but I couldn’t say a word. I was forced to watch him being slaughtered, hacked to death, screaming for me to help him. I tried to move but my feet were stitched to the floor. I screamed in agony as I pulled the stitches from my bare feet. I dropped to my knees, sobbing at the sight of Gerard’s hacked body.
My body jerked, my heart pounding faster than a bullet train. I gripped my sweaty hair, pulling at it. I couldn’t catch my breath and I was beginning to feel lightheaded. I felt a pair of hands on my back, stroking soothingly.
‘Frankie? Sugar, what’s wrong?’ Gerard’s exhausted voice pieced the silence. One hand was on my back, rubbing slowly while his other was on my cheek, making me look up at him. My stomach felt queasy, my mouth watering.
‘Not again.’ I whispered, tearing away from him as I jumped out of the bed. I ran up the stairs, running into the bathroom. I could feel where the stitches were. The pain almost unbearable. My stomach flipped, the muscles contracting as the digested food and stomach acid rose. I leant over the toilet, falling to my knees. Gerard was behind me in a flash, holding my hair back as my stomach emptied itself. I wondered how he could stay there, listening to me heave.
When I was sure my stomach would stop, I sat up. Gerard made me lean back against his chest, wiping away the sweat on my forehead.
‘What’s going on, baby?’ He whispered, tangling his fingers in my hair. My heart flipped. I’d missed his pet names.
‘The dreams. They’re back. I can’t… they hurt!’ I whimpered, clawing at my face. Gerard grabbed my hands and held me tight. My feet had stopped tingling but I could still remember the pain. I could see Gerard’s body, bloodied and broken, in front of me.
‘What dreams? Please, baby. You’re scaring me.’ He whispered. I shifted a little, getting comfortable. I sighed and told him about my dreams. They were all the same. The same room, the same shadow. Nothing changed. You’d think I’d know what was coming and be used to it but I could never get over the sight.
Gerard held me tighter, squeezing the breath out of me at one point. I’d never told anyone about the dream. I couldn’t. Mikey wouldn’t understand and mum and I were never on the same page with anything.
‘Baby, it’s just a dream. Nothing like that will ever happen.’ He said. I nodded, still fighting the images.
‘They’re why I tried to kill myself.’ I whispered. Gerard stopped breathing for a moment. He spun me around to face him, taking my face between his hands.
‘Listen to me. These nightmares are not worth that! You hear me? You need to forget them. Nothing is worth taking your life for. Nothing.’ He said, clamping his jaw shut. I nodded again. He brought me to his chest again, kissing the top of my head.
After a while of sitting on the cold, tiled floor, Gerard stood up. He took my hand and pulled me to my feet. He flushed the toilet while I brushed my teeth with the toothbrush that had always been mine in the Way household.
We made our way back to the bed, curling up together.
I slept the rest of the night. No interruptions. No dreams.
I woke the next morning. I felt around the bed, remembering Gerard had been with me. The bed came up empty. I sat up slowly, looking around. I could hear faint noises from upstairs. I slowly got out of the bed, making my way to the cheerful singing and clattering that was coming from the kitchen. I stopped in the doorway, leaning against the frame to watch Gerard. He had the music low, probably so it wouldn’t wake me, while he danced as he worked over the stove. I slowly walked up behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist. He stopped, laying a hand over mine that lay on his stomach.
‘Morning, baby.’ He said cheerfully. He was still in his pajamas, the pants hanging loosely off his waist. He really had lost a lot of weight.
‘Morning.’ I yawned, kissing in-between his shoulder blades. He hadn’t stated out limits yet so I was going to make the most of our free reign as much as I could.
‘What's for breakfast?’ I asked, peeping over his shoulder. I had to stand on my tippy toes to see. In the pan were scrambled eggs and pancakes cooking. I looked up at him, confused and intrigued.
‘I felt like pancakes, then eggs. And waffles too. So take your pick. It’s all here.’ He smiled, kissing my cheek before going back to the food. I let his waist go and sat at the kitchen table. There were a stack of pancakes and a plate of eggs already there. Waffles and toast by their side. Two plates were set out with knives and forks. I took my fork and grabbed a few pancakes, a waffle, a slice of toast and some egg and put it all on my plate.
I ate the waffle first, chasing it down with some coffee that was probably Gerard’s.
Gerard had finished with the food by the time I’d downed a waffle and a few slices of toast. He took his coffee back, playfully glaring at me.
We ate breakfast in silence. There was so much to be said but when there was food, no-one talked. I was so hungry. I hadn’t eaten for a few days. Everything was perfect. The eggs were the way I liked them.
After breakfast, I helped clean up. I tossed the scraps in the bin and helped with the dishes. Gerard took my hand once everything was put away, and led me into the lounge room. He sat me on the couch, turning the music off before sitting with me. He sat with his back against the arm of the couch.
‘Do you feel any better?’ He asked.
‘Much, thank you.’ I said.’
‘Do you feel like talking?’ He asked, fiddling with a loose strand on his shirt.
‘What are my limits?’ I asked, bringing my knees to my chest. It was a habit I had since I was little. When I was uncomfortable or unsure, I would cover myself as much as possible. In my head, it softened the blow.
‘I don’t want there to be limits, baby. I want us be the way we used to be.’ He said, dropping the thread. I sat up on my knees, slowly leaning over him. I leant my hands on the arm of the couch, beside his sides. He looked up at me, a gleam in his eye that I hadn’t seen in a long time.
‘Then there won’t be. We don’t have to start again. We’ve gone too far for that.’ I whispered, leaning down so my lips hovered over his. I felt a jagged breath flow across my face.
‘I’m right here, Gee. All you have to do is take me, if you want me.’ I whispered, trying hard not to take things too far.
Gerard stopped for a moment, slowly resting his hands on my hips. When he saw no hesitation, he brought me down on top of him, kissing me hard. His lips were as soft as ever.
I fought for self control. I resisted the urge to rip his clothes off. I needed to touch him. All of him. But I couldn’t. Going too far could ruin everything.
Gerard seemed to have the same idea. He pecked my lips once more before pushing me up a little. He kept one hand on my hip while the other pushed my fringe out of my face. I brought my lips back to his, slowly kissing him. The kiss was full of love, not lust. There was no need in the kiss at all. I had what I needed, I didn’t have to abuse that.
His lips worked against mine slowly, feeling the old, yet new, territory again. I lowered myself on him again, knotting my fingers in his hair once I had use of them again.
‘I love you.’ I muttered against his lips.
‘Mmmm… Love you too. So much.’ He whispered, licking my lips. I giggled a little, pecking the corners of his mouth. I looked into his eyes, climbing off him.
My heart was fluttering again. The feeling was amazing. I’d forgotten how good it felt to be loved and to give that love right back.
I stayed with Gerard all the way till February. His family hadn’t come home yet but they called once a week, letting us know they were okay.
I had broken into my old home after a few days of staying there. I needed to get my own things. Gerard helped me. Mum was at work when we’d taken my things so it wasn't hard.
It was late February when the Way’s got back. They all welcomed me with open arms. There was an unspoken agreement between me and Donna that I would move out when I could afford to live on my own. I had offered to leave a few times, feeling like an inconvenience when it came to family issues. Donna wouldn’t let me out of the door, let alone out of the house. I’d finally agreed that I would stay, just to make Gerard happy.
They were happy for us. Mikey had his concerns, which I understood. Gerard wasn't too pleased about them though. He thought Mikey was accusing him. Many fights happened, all leading to Gerard leaving the house for hours. First time it happened, we all freaked out. Everyone thought he’d gone to get high or something. But we all felt guilty when he walked in the house, completely sober and clean. He said he just went for a walk, cooling off.
My mum had tried to get me to come home a few times as well. She’d show up, tears running down her face and begging me to come home. She said the house felt empty without me. She said she’d accept me and Gerard and even love him like he was part of the family. But I said no. She would say those things and shove them back in my face later on. I knew my mum.
It was one night, nearing the start of March that Gerard moved out. He was twenty-two and felt weird living under his mother roof still. He had a well paying job as an artist. He had his own home around the corner from Donna. At first, I stayed with Donna, claiming Gerard’s room as my own for a while. Gerard offered for me to move in with him but I turned him down each time. I gave in though, finally moving my things into the spare bedroom. We only needed one bed.
‘I hope everything stays like this.’ I whispered. We were laying in our bed, staring at the white ceiling. It was almost midnight.
‘Me too, baby. I can’t lose you again.’ Gerard whispered back, squeezing my hand.
‘Thank you for everything. I don’t know where I would be without you and your family.’ I said, squeezing back.
‘You’ve always been a part of our family, Frankie. This is what families do.’ He said. I curled into his side, snuggling up to him. The warmer months were coming but I didn’t care.
‘I love you so much, baby.’
‘I love you too.’ I whispered before falling into a deep sleep. I didn’t dream most nights. I didn’t have to. My reality was so much better than any dream my mind could ever create. I had a family, a wonderful boyfriend, a home I was comfortable in. I didn’t need anything else. My world was in my arms, holding me as I slept through the night.
If you noticed, the dream is the same as the one in Love Sucks. It was in my Story folder and I'm not going to use it in Love Sucks anymore so I thought I may as well chuck it in something else. This is just a stupid one-shot so.... Yeah :)