FicWad

After school, I headed right for Lia's house. Paul was at football practice so I had a good 2 hours before he'd be looking for me. Lia was sprawled out on her mom’s favorite couch. It was red velvet. Lia was never allowed to sit there and yet here she was with cookie crumbs all over the couch and the floor.

"What a mess! Lia your moms gonna fucking freak when she sees this!" I said picking up the empty cookie bag. She was stoned out of her mind.

"Gonna freak?" Lia sighed. "Its just some fucking crumbs Elle, leave it.” She tells me but I cleaned them up anyway… “Anyway you should've fucking heard her this morning. She was screaming at me. I'm surprised you didn’t hear her she was screaming so loud" Lia says laughing to herself…

"What did you do now?" I asked rubbing my temples. My head was still throbbing since running into Jeff. Either Jeff was made of fucking steel or the rum I poured into my soda at lunch was taking a toll on me.

"I left a fucking cup on the table overnight." Lia laughed as she lit a cigarette.

"Lia! you can't do that it will leave a ring !" I cry out a little outraged as I hand her an ashtray. She was waving her cigarette around as she talked. Fuck she was gonna burn a fucking hole in the couch.

"You know you look like shit Elle." she says to me. "Are you ok?" She asks and I shrug.

"Mmm, not really, my head is all fucked up. Do you have an aspirin?" I ask her and she nods.

"Yeah wait here." she says as she disappeared up the stairs. I finished cleaning up her mess. A few minutes later she came back down and handed me an aspirin and a water bottle.

"Hey um why didn't you come over for lunch? I was waiting for you." She asked me and I smiled.

"Oh I bet you and Toro didn't even notice I wasn't there." I teased her as I swallowed the pill.

"You know for some reason Ray thinks were lesbian lovers...." she says to me as she absentmindedly looked out the window. She was waiting for her tutor it was already 3:10.

I choked and spit the water out across the room. Lia laughed at me…I told her what I said to him in class. "But you told him no right..." I say to her and she just smiled." Fuck Lia you told him no". I repeat a little harsher.

"God Elle, lighten up. He thinks its hot, I'm just messing with him." said as she mashed her cigarette into the ashtray.

"Holy shit Lia- messing with him- do you remember what happened when you were just messing with his brother? I am not -" I was cut off by the doorbell.

"oooh, you gotta get going Elle, that's my tutor" she said pushing me down the stairs and out the door. “I’ll call you later Elle, love you.” She says closing the door on me…

I just sighed. There was no use getting through to her. Someone was going to get hurt. It was just a matter of time.


Several weeks had passed.I was becoming obsessed with Gerard. I tried everything I could think of to get his attention. I started dressing up for school, wearing short skirts and low cut tops in dark colors. I layered on the eyeliner. I started talking about the music he liked. It didn't seem to be working. I wasn't even sure if I really wanted Gerard or I just wanted him to want me. I mean I had a boyfriend. I had just never met anyone like Gerard… I was so use to guys hitting on me. Having anyone I wanted and I couldn’t get why he didn’t seem to want me. The more I tried the less interested he seemed…

Lia was still dating Ray casually. Meaning she would hook up with him whenever he was around and when he wasn't....hmm, well lets just say what he didnt know couldnt hurt him.

The guys would come and hang around Lia’s house. That included Bob who became quick friends with Ray. They would get stoned and Ray would play on his guitar. Bob would sit in the corner tapping a beat on his notebook. A few times I thought I heard Gerard humming along. I wish I could have spent more time with them but I was trying to balance out my time between Lia and the guys and Paul and his friends. Not to mention the time I spent at home with papa.

But tonight I wasnt going to be with them. It was Saturday night. But not just any Saturday it was Halloween night, my birthday was yesterday. I spent it with Lia, I stayed home from school and we went shopping and then to the spa. Then back to my house where papa made a cake, well actually Bobbi-Jo made it, and we stayed up watching movies. Needless to say Paul did not approve. Paul and Lia didn't like each other. Actually they hated each other.

Now here we were in his car heading to a party, he was giving me grief about not being with him yesterday. . I was only half listening, Apparently we were going to some sophomore on the football teams house. I guess his parents went away for the weekend. Paul wanted me to spend the night with him there. Usually on Sundays I bring papa to the senior book club at the library so Bobbi-Jo gets the day off. But he was making such a big fucking deal about it. How he didn't see me yesterday and all this shit.

"Fine I'll call Bobbi-Jo when we get there" I gave in. Paul was thrilled. He went on about how much he loved me and how great this was gonna be. I just stared out the window half listening wondering what kind of drugs were gonna be there. I mean fuck I'm gonna need more then a few flat beers to make this night work....

When we got there the house was already packed. It was dark and a strobe light was blinking in the living room. The walls were shaking form the noise of the speakers. Paul pulled me through the crowd toward the kitchen. I looked around. There were so many people. Most I didn't recognize. I found myself wondering if Gerard was here. No it was his scene. Most of the guys here were jocks.

Then I saw Marie leaning against the doorway. She looked petrified. Poor little thing. I let go of Paul’s hand. He turned around. I pointed to Marie and he nodded and kept walking. The music was so loud I could hardly hear her say hi. We turned down into the hallway where it wasn't as loud. She was here with Jeff, but she lost him in the crowd. All these people drinking and carrying on had her spooked. She was so innocent.

"Let me get you a beer" I told her. she shook her head no. Oh what the fuck were you thinking Elle, poor perfect Marie wouldn't drink a beer. "Come on, " I nudged her arm " you'll relax and fit right in..." I kept on her until she agreed .“Mmm stay right here Marie." I told her and I headed towards the kitchen.

They had a keg set up on the poor kids parents kitchen table. Fucking morons I thought. First who the fuck would have lifted it so high up on there and second can you imagine the fucking ring that's gonna leave!! Oh shit I gotta remember to tell Lia that one.

So the guys are standing on the chairs to reach the top of the keg they put so high. The whole scene was so fucking ridiculous. Paul saw me come in. He was standing by the table, he said something to the kid by the keg. Jeff leant over handed me a red plastic cup full of beer. He nodded at Paul and Paul nodded back.

What the fuck was that I thought. Now I need his permission to get a drink? I think I might have some coke left in my purse, but I left that in Paul’s car. I wonder if it's unlocked? I walked over to Marie and handed her the cup before I telling her I'd be right back.

I ran out to the car. Shit! he locked it. I pushed my way back through the crowd. I walked up behind Paul and tapped him on the shoulder. I was going to ask him for his keys but as soon as he saw me his face dropped a little.

"Elle, you drank that whole beer?" He says and he looked surprised.

"What?” I laughed. “Oh god no I gave it to Marie. I needed the car keys sweety." I said to him holding my hand out. Jeff suddenly hopped down off the chair and grabbed me by the shoulders.

"Marie? " he asks me shaking me a little. "My Marie?" He repeats. They were all looking at me. I shook my head yes and Jeff dashed out of the room. “What the fuck?” I mumble and no one answers me. “Paul?” I insist.

Paul sighed " I made that beer for you Elle." He tells me.

"So fucking what?" I reply.

"So it was special." He says laughing as I wrinkled my eyebrows at him. I didn't get it. He reached around the table into the pocket of a coat hanging on the chair. The guy behind him looked pretty nervous.

Paul pulled out something from the pocket and held out his hand. I stood up on my tiptoes to see what was in his palm. 'Sweet' I thought looking down at them. This means I don't have to go back to the car! He had two little white pills in his hand. I reached up and snatched them and popped them in my mouth. I wasn't even sure what they were. Didn’t matter though… they were probably ruffies...

The kid behind Paul was staring at me. I couldn’t blame him though… I mean I was probably the only girl who willing takes a date rape drug.

"Whoa what the fuck Elle?!" Paul yells at me… He was shocked I guess.... Paul never realized how much drugs I was actually doing. He pulled me close and looked into my eyes. I don't know what the fuck your looking for I thought. My eyes always look like this. I pulled away.

Paul smiled a little and kissed my forehead and handed me a beer. He said something about me finding Marie and he’d hook up with me later. Or did he say he was hooking up with her later? I'm not really sure… I wasn’t really listening…I had learned a long time to tune Paul out. Tonight was no different.

I downed the beer Paul handed me on the way to the living room. I felt bad ditching the cup on the floor but there was no trash cans… And I didn't see Marie anywhere. I gave up looking for her and just decided to enjoy the party and I foudn myself starting to dance.

My mind was going numb. The strobe light was blinding me. Suddenly I felt some one come up behind me. I felt a hand wrap around my hips, and a heavy breath on my neck. I looked over… It was Jeff. He smelt like stale beer. He was behind me pulling my hips into him. He slid his one hand around my stomach and up under my breasts, cupping them a little. His other hand was on my thigh pulling my leg apart slightly as he ran his hand along my leg and I did nothing to stop him...

Just then Marie came stumbling towards us. She was wasted. Beyond wasted.

"Elle " she cried out and I just froze and looked at her… Jeff kinda did too…At first I thought she was gonna say something about the way Jeff and I were dancing but she didnt..."Elle, I just want to say..say.. oh that you're a great friend.." She says as she fell towards me. I just looked at her. I didn't know what to say- A great friend? Okay she is definatly wasted. I mean really Marie I gave you a tainted drink and now I'm grinding against your boyfriend!

She then looks up saw Jeff behind me…"Oooh baby I love you " she cooed at him. Jeff smirked a little and leant forward over my shoulder. I tried to step to the side but he was holding me against him too tightly. Marie kissed him right next to my ear. She pulled away and then turned towards me. "I love you too Elle.." she said and then she leant over and kissed me right on the lips.

She tasted like cherry lip-gloss and beer. Jesus Christ Marie I thought to myself- cherry lip-gloss? I mean what are you 12? Fuck…She was a horrible kisser too… or maybe it was just cause she was just wasted. I dont know. Either way I went to pull back but Jeff was behind me. He pushed me towards her. That made it even worse…

I decided she was just a horrible kisser and I couldn’t take it anymore so I reached my hand out and grabbed the back of head, steadying her a little... I pulled her face closer to mine and slipped my tongue forcefully into her mouth. I mean if I had to kiss her, atleast make it right, damn Marie.

Jeff yelled out something but I couldn't make it out… I couldn’t hear anything, the bass was thumping so loud and the strobe lights were blinding me. All I could feel was Marie’s soft lips against mine and someone's hand was on my breast fondling my nipple.... I think it was Jeff although I'm not sure.... I must have sucked the life out of Marie because she pulled away from me and almost collapsed backwards. Paul caught her. I was surprised to see him there… It was like he came out of nowhere…

Jeff motioned to him and then someone spun me around and I got totally disoriented. I shook my head a little and looked up and Jeff was tugging on my arm. He said something I couldn't hear, but I nodded anyway… He was leading me up the stairs....

"Where did Paul go?" I asked as Jeff opened a door at the top of the stairs.

"He's in there" Jeff said and motioned for me to go in. Now this is the point where every bone in my body should have been screaming NOOOOOO! but I was so numb from the pills and the beer that I couldn't hear it. Not that it would've stopped me either. I mean I didn’t really give a damn who was in there. But if Jeff wanted to play mind games... We'd just see who was smarter....

The room was empty. Big fucking surprise. I turned -Jeff was blocking the door.

"He's not here." I said defiantly to Jeff.

"Are you sure? " Jeff asked me and I hesitated. Now I know I'm wasted but I'm not fucking blind. I walk over to the bed. As I turn back around Jeff isn't in the doorway. I spin around again. He not behind me either… Where the fuck did he go? … Great… Now I'm lost…. I'm fucking lost in a room that's no more than 12x12. Jesus Christ!

I spin again, well there's the bed and lets see that's a wall. I can't find the fucking door. I run my hands down the wall. Maybe its one of those secret panels...Hmm. Jeff reaches over and takes my hand off the wall. He's looking at me like I'm nuts. Well I am petting the wall...Behind me a door opens. Paul walked in. Okay so my game of wits against Jeff isn't going well...

Paul walked towards me. He said something to me but I didn’t hear what… Then he grabbed my arms and held them above my head. He was pulling my shirt off. He started kissing my stomach and unbuttoning my pants. Someone was holding my arms up still. They were kissing my neck. I turned my head slightly. Still to numb to think, let alone react.

The whole room spun and was blurry for a moment….When he came into focus I realized it was Jeff. Oh fuck. I'm making out with Jeff! He's unhooking my bra. I try to walk away from him but my legs wont move. I stumble forward. Paul catches me. He's pulling me on the bed on top of him. Now I'm fucking confused. Am I hallucinating? Is the guy I'm on top of Paul? I squint my eyes. It made it blurrier. Okay. Pull yourself together Elle.

Focus… Focus hard... He's pulling down my panties. I can feel him breathing on my neck. He spreads my legs apart and he pushed himself into me. Now, I mean would it be totally rude at this point to ask him who he was? I recognized Pauls moan. Oh it is Paul! Thank God I didn't ask! He had his hands on my hips. And on my breasts. Wait no that couldn't be right. No , yes.. there’s hands squeezing my breasts, and they don't belong to the guy I'm on top of....Shit. what did I get myself into now....

Next thing I knew I was sleeping… Dreaming of Gerard. We were in the park close by my house... He was drawing in his notebook like always, while I was tossing breadcrumbs to some alligators in the lake.... What? it was a fucking dream all right!? I asked him if I could see his notebook. He said yes and was handing it to me. I reached out for it and the tips of my fingers grazed the cover and that's when I woke up. I wasn't in a park...and I wasn't with Gerard...

My heart sunk. I looked up. I was laying with my head on top of Paul’s chest as he slept. He had his arms stretched out over his head. I went to sit up and felt that someone's head was on my stomach. Fuck. I look down and it was Jeff. I was totally naked… So were they... I squeezed out from under Jeff somehow with out waking him up. I got dressed as quietly as I could.

As I snuck out the door I looked back at them both sleeping in the bed. There was an empty bottle of Jack Daniels lying on the nightstand by the bed and torn condom wrappers on the floor. Jeff had rolled over once I got up and without me in the middle he was snuggling up to Paul now.

'Motherfuckers" I grumbled looking over at them.Shit I hope some one catches the two of them like that too. Love to hear how they explain that one! I thought to myself as I walked out the door.

We never talked about that night. Why would we. It was just a typical party night. Wasnt the first and sure as hell wasnt the last.

Time ticked by. Days and nights and weeks. Nothing really important happened until the week before Thanksgiving. Lia’s parents were going on a cruise. They said she couldn't go with them unless she got a passing grade from her math tutor. Her new tutor was a small Chinese woman named Miss Lang.

This was Lia’s fourth tutor in 3 months. She ended up cursing out poor Miss Shecta the first week. She refused to come back. Then there was Mr. Jones. Lia would lock herself in the bathroom whenever he came over. Her parents told him to just force her out. After two weeks of trying to teach her through the locked door he finally forced the door open she freaked out calling him a pervert and that he was sexually harassing her and he quit.

Then there was sweet Miss Emily. She was almost 70 years old. Took her about 20 minutes to climb Lia’s front steps. She caught Ray in Lia’s room one time and told her mom. Lia told her mom Miss Emily stole her diamond earrings... Which brings us to Miss Lang.

Lia was determined to pass this math test. I mean I’ve known her my whole life and I’d never seen her so serious about anything before… She was actually studying! And she even told Ray not to come over this week. Her mom was still pretty pissed about before and she told Miss Lang to call her if there was any sign of a boy in the house.

We were passing her pipe back and forth awaiting Miss Lang’s arrival; Lia was going on about her vacation plans. The room was quickly filling with smoke.

"Miss Lang is gonna smell it this shit Lia open the fucking window." I tell her and she smirked as she lit a cigarette.

"Here " she said puffing on it. "This outta cover it up." She says and I was just about to tell her she was too stoned if she thought that would work when the doorbell rang loudly startling us. I mean it was a little too early for Lang. Lia looked out the window and frowned. I peeked out to see what she was frowning at... Fuck. It was Frankie Iero.

"Did you invite him here?" she asked me and I shook my head no. "Fuck- Langs gonna see him" She cried out as she darted out the door slipping on her moms new oriental hall rug. She slid and fell down on her ass. I started laughing. I couldn’t help it. It was just too funny. I stopped laughing abruptly when I noticed that her cigarette, had burned the tassels on the end of it.

"Holy shit Lia! " I cried out. She was so stoned. She just stared at the burnt fringe.

"What should I do?" she says… Fuck she was panicking too. "Do you think she'll notice?" She says to me and I shook my head yes.

"Yeah its obvious that tassel doesn't match the rest." I said as I inspected it closely. It was burnt the fuck up. If her mom sees this she could forget about the cruise, that’s for sure…

"Maybe if I make the rest match..." Lia said as she intentionally burned another tassel.

"Are you fucking crazy?!" I screamed at her as I grabbed the cigarette from her.

Lia frowned as the doorbell rang again. She got up off the floor and went downstairs to answer it. I folded the burnt tassels underneath the rug and prayed her mom wouldn’t notice. I could faintly hear Lia arguing with Frankie downstairs.

"Toro is not here and you have to leave. No don't Frankie---eeeeeeh" she squealed as he pushed past her and came darting up the stairs into her room. Just then Miss Lang’s car appeared in the driveway.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck " Lia muttered as she paced by the window in her room. There was no way to get Frankie out with out Lang seeing him… And if she saw him she’d tell Lia’s mom and Lia would be screwed…. She looked at directly in my eyes. "Keep him in here Elle. And keep him fucking quiet!" She tells me and I shrugged. "I mean it Elle. Stick him in the fucking closet if you have to..." She said her voice trailing off as she ran down the stairs.

The closet? Jesus Christ Lia its Frankie Iero- not fucking ET.

I looked over Frankie was sitting innocently on Lia’s daybed . He had his arms outstretched on the frame. Then something caught his eye. The pipe Lia and I were smoking was still out on the nightstand.

"Do you mind?" he asked picking it up. I just shrugged. Soon the room was full of smoke again.

Lia comes barging in. She looked pretty stressed. "God damn fucking decimals..." she mutters to herself pacing the floor… "Find the decimal she says to me- that fucking bitch...I’d find the decimal if it would stop moving..." She mumbled as she took another hit from the pipe and walked back out.

This carried on forever… I mean Lia kept making excuses to come upstairs. Pretty soon Frankie was wired. He started tossing around Lia’s stuffed animals and making all sorts of noises. I just sat at her vanity table brushing my hair silently… I was up to 869 strokes when Lia came back in. "God damn it Elle keep it down. I had to tell Miss Lang you have your boyfriend on speaker phone up here.!" She hisses at me and I couldnt understand why. I was being quiet. Frankie on the other hand-

I look over as Frankie let out a scream. He was making a bear attack her cabbage patch kid. A bear? Wait a minute… Lia didn't have any bears except for... Holy shit it was Teddy.

I suddenly could not speak. My mouth was open but nothing came out. I pointed over to Frankie. Lia looked and instantly grabbed my arm.

"Ok don't panic.." she whispered " You just distract him and I'll grab Ted." She tells me.

"Distract him how?" I whispered back. Frankie saw us whispering and stopped holding teddy mid-air.

"I don’t know…take your fucking top off-" Lia said nudging my arm. I looked at her. Well we were desperate....

"Frankie" Lia called out her voice cracking from all the stress. " Uh you have to leave, Elle needs to change her clothes..." She says to him. Frankie lowered his arm and looked at us. He knew we were up to something but he didn't know what. He tossed Teddy to the floor and folded his arms defiantly.

"I'm not going anywhere." He proclaimed. Thank God! Teddy was safe… for now.... Lia walked towards the bed and casually kicked Teddy under it.

“Whatever.” She tells him and then she headed out the door and back downstairs.

Frankie continued on "If you have to change then I'll have to watch Elle." He says grinning at me.

"Just forget it " I sigh picking back up my hairbrush.

"So you're a liar." he teased. Aw, fuck you Frankie I thought to myself and I got up and opened Lia’s closet. No one calls me a liar…With my back to him I took off my shirt and threw a tank top on. I turned around. Frankie was hollering. Lia suddenly opens the door. She grabs my arm tightly.

"Elle -shut him the fuck up!!" She hisses at me.., Fuck she was freaking out.

"Okay, okay" I tell her and she leaves again… I walked over to Frankie on the bed and sat next to him. Maybe I could reason with him..."Listen, Frankie… Lia’s tutor is gonna freak out if she catches you here." I tell him and he shrugged like he didn’t care.

"No one can catch Frank Iero!" He claimed "and you can't silence me...." He says and he was opening his mouth. God he was gonna scream and I just knew it…I was so stoned too I didn’t know what to do.... Just shut the fuck up I thought to myself and I kissed him. He was speechless.

-But quiet.

So I kissed him again. He lips were soft and he tasted like coconut. I heard Lia coming up the stairs so I pulled away. She opened the door and grabbed the pipe taking the last hit from it. She looked at us both just sitting innocently on the bed.

"Fuck, I don't know what you're doing Elle but keep doing it." She said giving us the old thumbs up as she left the room. She was beyond fucked up. God knows what her math work looks like.

"Mmm, you heard her." Frankie said pulling my lips back to his. His tongue rubbed against mine, I couldn't even tell you for how long. We were so into it we didn't hear Lia coming up the stairs again or opening the fucking door.

"WHORE!!!" she screamed as she stepped into the room. Frankie jumped off the bed away from me. "What the hell are you doing?" she screamed at us. Well, mostly at me…And honestly I was totally shocked by her outburst. " I was keeping him quiet. Like you asked..." I try to explain.

She was shaking her head at me in disgust. "By shoving your tongue down his throat?!" She cries out and I just stared at her. I don't know why Lia was so upset. I mean I know she kinda had a thing for Frankie, she always said he was kinda cute, but come on…she was with Ray. How many guys did she fucking need? How many did I need either though?

The next day I was dreading seeing Frankie. I mean things were going so well between me and Gerard. At least I hoped they were. He still didn't ever let me see what he was drawing in his notebook; but he was helping me out in art class. I even sat with him a few times in study hall.

I wonder if Frankie had told him what happened. I mean I was sorta embarrassed… Not cause I kissed him but cause of the way Lia was carrying on about it like it was a big deal… Was it a big deal? Would Gerard think the same? Fuck…The whole day had passed and neither Frankie nor Gerard spoke to me. Were they ignoring me?

It was now the end of the day and I was standing in front of my locker twisting the dial around trying to open it… Gerard was a few feet away from me putting his books away in his... Frankie was casually standing next to him. I finally got my locker opened after like sixteen tries... I look over smiling a little proudly when I opened it and Frankie smiled back as he slid across the Wang’s lockers towards me. He put his arm up on my open locker door.

"So Ellie… are we gonna pick up where we left off...?" He said looking me over and grinning. Gerard slammed his locker door harshly and glared at Frankie.

"Fuck you." I said to him plainly as I put my books away.

"Mmm, anytime Elle." he said licking his lips as he looked me over. I rolled my eyes at him. I was gonna say something back but just then Paul appeared behind me.

He came charging up at Frankie and grabbed him by the shirt collar. He punched him in the jaw with out warning and they both fell to the floor. I screamed and somehow managed to pull Paul of him.

Jeff appeared behind me and quickly stepped in-between them. Frankie stood up and brushed his pants off. He leant over and spit some blood in the water fountain. Paul was rubbing his knuckles and smirking a little.

"I thought I told you to stay away from my girlfriend, fucking freaks" he spat at them as he grabbed my arm roughly and dragged me down the hall. As we turned the corner I looked over my shoulder and my eyes locked with Gerard for just a second…

Later that day I was laying in bed, crying on the phone to Lia. I just didn't know how this happened.

"It was bound to happen" Lia told me. "I tried to warn you... you just keeping winding everyone up so tight Elle." She said and I sniffled. She went on "Why are you even still dating Paul?" she asked me and I sighed.

"I love him.." I tell her… Well, at least I think I did.

"Yeah but you're not ‘in love’ with him..." Lia sighed and I rolled my eyes and pulled the phone from my ear… Here it comes…lecture time… "You're just with him cause its comfortable...you can’t just keep fucking dangling all these guys around you Elle.. Something’s gonna give...." She says.

"Yeah it did.... it was Frankie's jaw." and with that I hung up on her...


The next morning I walked into photo lab not sure what would happen. Mr. Edwards had had moved Frankie's seat across the room cause was constantly goofing off. I sat down next to Gerard like always...

"Hey" I said and he just nodded, slamming his notebook shut and shoving it in his bag… Okay this wasn't going well.

Mr. Edwards started his lesson plan for the day... Frankie was shooting rubber bands at me.. Well mostly at Gerard but his aim sucked and they were mostly hitting me... Gerard was getting pissed too. Mr. Edwards turned his back to us to get something off his desk just as Frankie shot another rubber band… it flew across the room and struck Gerard right in the cheek.

"Motherfucker!" He yelled at Frankie standing up.

"That's it!" Mr. Edward growled and ripped a pink slip off his pad. Gerard was going to the office. As Mr. Edwards turned to hand it too him, Frankie looked over and blew me a kiss. I gave him the finger. Mr. Edwards turned back just in time to see it.

"You too Miss Waller.." he said ripping another slip. Fuck…I followed Gerard out the door and down the hall. As we passed the computer lab I waved to Mikey. Gerard stopped walking.

"Isn't working out..." he mumbled looking at his feet.

"Who?" I wrinkled my eyebrows a little confused...

His voice lowered down a little as he looked up at me.. "We’re not working out…"

Gerard had stopped walking. We were right in front of the library doors, maybe 20 feet from the office. I didn't understand what he was saying to me."What the fuck -I can’t talk to Mikey now?" I stammered. Gerard moved towards me tossing the hair from his eyes. He was pissed. I didn't know why.

"You cant be friends with my brother..." he said waving his hand at me. " and you can’t go fucking my friends.." He tells me and I frown.What the fuck was he talking about? I started to get loud.

"I didn't fuck Frankie Iero!" I cry out…Someone in the library looked up at us in the doorway. I didn't care. "Is that what he said? Cause that’s not true" I tell him and he made a face as he pulled me from in front of the doorway. He was shaking his head no. He lowered his voice and looked into my eyes.

"You're not listening to me Elle. This isn't working out.. I just..." His voice trailed off as he looked back down at his feet.

Was he breaking up with me? Can he do that? I mean were not even fucking together and he's dumping me?! My eyes started to well up with tears. I bit my bottom lip.

He looked up at me. "Elle, please don't cry.." he said gently. Bullshit! I thought as a wave of anger came over me. First you crush me then you're gonna act like you give a damn about me.

"You don't care how much I cry!" I snapped at him. "You don't even like me." I said… I was getting loud again. Maybe he was just fucking around with me? Like this is some kinda joke or something…

Gerard put his hand on my shoulder. His voice was still low. "How could you think that Elle? After everything..." He said stepping close to me… Fuck… he was so close to me, but so far away. I could feel his breath on my cheek. I wanted to kiss him so badly. But did he even want me to?

"So you do like me?" I asked him softly. Gerard stepped back and threw his hands in the air.

"God damn it Elle." He cries out…Now he was getting loud. He reached up and was pulling his hair. "Don't you fucking hear me? Don’t you know what its like to sit here and watch you self-destruct?" He says and my eyes started to well up again. He was so angry… He was angry with me and I didn’t know why…. "And to watch you while that asshole passes you around to his friends..." He says and I started to feel faint…

What was he talking about? Suddenly it felt like the walls were caving in. I felt sick to my stomach. Was he talking about Jeff? "I don't know what ..." I started to say and he interrupted me.

"Don't lie to me Elle. I saw the pictures.." he said looking at his feet again. What the hell was he talking about? Pictures? I shook my head. He was walking away from me… Away from the office. "If that's how you want to live your life...I cant do it." He says sighing a little.He was rubbing his hand on the back of his head as he walked backwards down the hall... I started to follow him but he turned and quickly pushed open the emergency exit door and darted outside as the siren blared out. I called his name but he was gone. A woman came out of the office and saw me by the door. She was frowning.

"Uhhh,I didn't know it was gonna make noise?" I said weakly… I mean it was only a bright red door covered in warning stickers about how it will make noise if opened. She snatched the pink slip I was still clutching in my hand and held the office door open gesturing for me to go in…Fuck… If I wasn’t already in enough trouble…

After another long lecture I ended up back in study hall watching the clock. Only 10 minutes was left and Gerard still wasn't here. Maybe he just ditched and went home. My mind was spinning. Heather was going on about maybe she'll get highlights. Maybe she won’t. Maybe she will. She carried on and on and on and...fuck… her voice was piercing my skull… Maybe I'll just take this pencil and ram it in your eye. She stopped talking and looked at me waiting a response. I smiled and nodded.

She was satisfied I was listening and turned her attention towards Marie. Oh poor Marie. She has never been able to look me in the eye since that night. She actually apologized to me the next day. Can you fucking believe that? I sleep with her boyfriend and she's apologizing to me! I mean she didn't know what happened. Passed out in the corner - woke up in her own puke. But I wasn't gonna tell her what happened. Hmm, maybe that's what Gerard was talking about. I did kiss Marie in front of a lot of people; maybe someone had a camera...

Just then Gerard walked in. He handed a note to the study hall monitor and went and sat down with his back to me. I had to ask him... find out what picture he was talking about. I got up and walked towards him. B ut he was drawing in his notebook, and he didn't see me coming up behind him.

I peeked over his shoulder. His drawing was amazing. It was so ugly and so beautiful at the same time. There was a lady with long hair reaching down and ripping a mans heart out. Her hair was covering most of her face but there was something else....Holy shit! My heart sank. That was what I was doing to Gerard. I finally understood what he was trying to say to me before.

You're so fucking stupid Elle. How could I be so cruel? I'm standing inches away from him and I'm gonna ask him what? About my boyfriend? I'm sick. I don't deserve him. He's right I shouldn't be near Mikey. I shouldn't be near anyone. I wanted to just disappear.

He saw me out of the corner of his eye and he quickly shut his notebook and spun around. He looked at me. His face was expressionless. His eyes were so cold. Not like before. Before his eyes were filled with such passion, it was like I had seen into his soul before. At this moment I would give anything for him to look at me like that again. But no, he's just looking blankly at me, waiting for me to speak. I mean I did walk all the way over here to tell him something.

"Come home with me!" I blurted out. He looked confused. "For lunch, I mean- come have lunch with me.... please.." I said and turned and walked away before he could answer....I didn't want to give him the opportunity to say no. I just wanted a chance to talk to him. To apologize maybe. I wasnt sure what I was going to say, just that I needed to say something...

As I walked away my head was spinning. I needed a fix and instantlyI thought of Teddy. Lia had passed her math test and was cruising around the tropics with her parents right about now. She left me to take of Teddy. He was sitting on my nightstand. Boy could I use him now.

I thought of Gerard again as I sat down in Algebra class. Mikey reached over and passed me a note. It looked like chicken scratch. 'Why so sad Elle?' It read. I wrote back " I miss my teddy bear'. He read it and smiled. Poor bastard, he didn't have a clue....

It was finally lunchtime now and I walked through the gate. I didn't see Gerard anywhere... You're a fucking fool Elle If you think he's gonna show…

There was a throbbing pain behind my left eye. I had to get home... I started down the block... I had to get to Teddy.... He'd make all this disappear... I was so focused in my thoughts I didn't hear someone behind me. I went to step off the curb and a hand grabbed my shoulder. I was so startled I screamed and tripped forward into the curb. My ankle twisted and buckled underneath me. Someone reached out and grabbed my arm before I hit the floor. It was Gerard. He was looking at my ankle.

"You okay Elle?" he asked. He sounded concerned. I think he really was worried. He showed up...and he really did care....My ankle was throbbing but I didn't care. He was here! I couldn’t believe it… "Elle?" he asked me again. "Are you ok?" He says and I nod.

"Um yeah I'm ok, it just hurts" I said.

He was holding my arm still. I wrapped my arm around his and moved closer to him. He didn't let go. We started to walk down the street. I wasn't sure if he was holding me cause of my ankle or cause he wanted to. We walked in silence for a few seconds. He was kicking the leaves in front of feet as he walked. Then he finally spoke softly.

"Why did you invite me Elle?" very seriously. Oh fuck. not this again. I did not want to get into it again with him. He takes everything so fucking seriously.Why couldnt we just walk and be together and ignore all the other shit?

"Well, I know how much you like my papas peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" I teased. He groaned at me and dropped my arm. Then he reached around and wrapped his arm around my waist and squeezed me towards him.

"I wanted to talk seriously to you and you're teasing me. " he said and I smiled a little.

"Come on Gerard just let it go.." I told him.

"Like you do?" He asked as he slid his hand down lower on my waist. His hand brushed against the pager clipped on my pocket. He started to pull his arm away. I grabbed his arm and pulled it back around me higher up on my waist. For a moment there was silence.

"He's no good for you Elle" he said softly.

I was going to ask him about the pictures. At that moment it seemed like the most important thing in the world to me.

And then in a split second everything changed.