FicWad

"What's going on at your house?" Gerard said looking past me down the street. There was an ambulance in the driveway and a cop car in the street. I don't know why I didn't see it before, probably cause I was so focused on Gerard. "Wait" he called out as I pulled away from him.

I was running down the block. My ankle felt like it was shattering in my boot every time it hit the pavement. The pain behind my eye was growing. I ran up the driveway. Bobbi-Jo was standing in the doorway. She had her shawl wrapped around her and she was crying. There was some man with a notepad. I was almost at the top step when she saw me.
She gasped and covered her mouth.

"Oh child "she said and she was shaking her head. I froze. "I tried to wake him up...he wasn't breathing...."She kept talking but I couldn't hear her. My legs felt limp. It was getting foggy… and dark.

I think I'm falling backwards.....

The man drops his notepad and is reaching for me...


I open my eyes. I was sleeping in the chair in my living room. People were talking in the kitchen. I think they were having a party. I hear Lia laugh. I call out. No one answers. I call out again. Lia comes in the room she's wearing as bathing suit. She sees me and smiles. Its all still foggy.

"Oh good you're up." she says more cheerful than usual.

"Why are you so happy?" I hear myself ask her.

"Gerard just asked me out!" she smiled widely.

"Shut the fuck up Lia" I tell her. I try to get up but I can’t. Gerard walks in holding a strawberry milkshake with an umbrella in it. He walks over and starts kissing her. I jump up. The milkshake spills all of my foot, it’s so cold. I try to scream...I cant...I cant breathe....I gasped for air and then...


I open my eyes. I was sleeping in the chair in my living room. What the fuck? Was I dreaming? My whole body aches. And my foot is so cold. There was an ice pack on it. A drip of water rolls down my forehead. I reach up, someone put a wet rag on my head. The whole side of my head is throbbing. I feel like shit.

I close my eyes remembering...

the look on Bobbi-Jo’s face...

Gerard squeezing my waist...

the man with the fucking notepad....

It all came flooding back to me. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter. This couldn't be happening...please don't let this be happening....Oh God papa...not my papa. My only family and now its gone.

Someone was touching my hair. I reached up and grabbed their hand. "Shhh.." they whispered and kissed my forehead. I squeezed his hand. "Gerard" I said softly as I opened my eyes.

It wasn't Gerard.

It was Paul.

They say that looks can kill. Too bad for him I was already dead inside.....

"I thought I told you to stay away from those pansy’s." Paul snapped standing up abruptly. He started pacing back and forth across the room. I looked at the clock, it was almost 6. Fuck how long was I out? Bobbi-Jo walked in carrying two teacups. She tried to hand one to me. I pushed it away. She placed one on the table and sat in the rocking chair sipping the other one.

"You gave me quite a scare child." She said rocking slowing. I was ignoring her. That was papas chair. She went on "Good thing that fella was here and caught you."

"Its his job right?!" I snapped. How dare she sits there! Papa isn't even buried and she's claiming his stuff? What the fuck!

"His job?" Bobbi-Jo said curiously as she put her teacup down. Paul was staring out the window at my grandpa’s car. Almost like he was wondering what would happen to it now that my papa was dead. Motherfucking grave robbers that's what they were I thought... My grief was just overwhelming me. I couldnt deal with it I was so angry.

"The fucking cop with the notepad Bobbi-Jo!...I mean that's what he does right? He comes and tells you the people you love are dead and then what? Fucking writes about it, checks his list? Hmmm?" I yell at her. I was getting worked up. I couldn’t help myself… The pain behind my eye was getting worse.

"No dear" she said quietly. She had the patience of a saint. That was why my papa hired her...oh papa...."That boy from school. What was his name again?" She turned to Paul and he looked over at me.

"Gerard..." he answered and Bobbi-Jo stood up nodding slightly. She was bringing her cup back into the kitchen now. "What the fuck were you even doing with him Elle?" he said cracking his knuckles once Bobbi-Jo left the room.

"You want to do this now?!" I screamed at him, Bobbi-Jo appeared in the doorway. "Get the fuck out Paul" I screamed standing up, I almost fell over from the pain. I didn't care. I walked towards him and slammed my hands on his chest. I pushed him towards the door.

"Elle I didn't..."he stammered.

"OUT!" I yelled and slammed the door after him.

"Elle dear..." Bobbi-Jo started but I wasnt in the mood to hear it.

"Bobbi-Jo just go home.." I was crying now. She tried to comfort me and I just lashed out at her. "You were hired to take care of my grandpa and your services are no longer needed." I hobbled down the hall and locked myself in the bathroom. I collapsed on the bathroom floor inhaled all the coke I could handle before crying myself to sleep


The day of the funeral I apologized to Bobbi-Jo. She told me she was going to go stay with her grandkids in Texas... I couldn't blame her. I didn't really need her. I was 18. My grandpa’s house had been paid off for years and I had the money from my moms’ settlement. But I knew I would miss her.

I wasn't expecting anyone to show for the funeral either. I mean my mom was an only child and really how many people could my papa had known? I was so fucking wrong. I sat in the front row with Bobbi-Jo and watched as person after person paid their respects to my dear papa.

I sniffled as I watched them. My nose was so red. But it wasn't from crying, it was from the 3 lines of coke I snorted in the bathroom when I got here.

"Sit up straight now child" Bobbi-Jo said nudging me so I did… Damn…I was really gonna fucking miss her. I sat up and smoothed out my black dress over my knees... I looked down at my feet. I had one black heel on. My one ankle was bandaged up pretty tight still. I was staring down at it. I twisted it slightly. You could almost see the budge where the bag of coke was.

Then a pair of ratty converse sneakers stepped into my sights. I looked up. It was Mikey Way. What was he doing here? His jacket was too short for his arms and his tie was a little crooked. He leant over and gave me a hug. As I straighten his tie he blushed. He was so god damn cute.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered at him.He pointed behind him. Gerard was walking towards the back with an old lady who looked familiar but I couldnt place her in my fucked up state. He helped the woman sit down and didn't see me looking at him.

"Oh uh my grandma went to the same book club as your grandpa" he said. "She made us come...I mean..she didn’t make us… I mean…"Mikey stammered.

"Its okay Mikey." I told him. He was obviously uncomfortable

"Uhh..wheres Paul?" he asked pushing his glasses up looking around.

"He had an away game..." And as I said it realized how ridiculous it sounded. I mean what kinda guy doesn't show up to funeral cause of a football game. Then I remembered Paul. I guess technically we were still together. I didn't want to think about it. My brain was hurting. “Can you excuse me?” I said and he nodded.

I got up and limped to the bathroom. I locked the door and dumped the coke on the counter. I cut it into a few lines and inhaled it… All of it… When I stepped out into the hall I saw Gerard was standing there. I dont know if he was waiting for me or if we just ended up at the same place at the same time. I looked up at him and wiped the tickle from my nose. There was blood on my hand when I pulled it away…

Gerard saw it I guess and he grabbed my arm and dragged me back into the bathroom. He locked the door behind us... I leant over the sink and silently watched as the blood poured down my face and dripped into the white porcelain sink swirling with the water as it went down the drain...

Gerard grabbed the paper towels and tilted my head back. I could feel his breath on my neck that’s how close he was to me... He had one had on the towel and his other hand on my back and his body pressed against mine. I could feel the blood stopping. I pushed his arm away from my face and looked straight at him. I wanted to say thank you but couldnt find the words.

He reached up and rubbed the side of my cheek with his hand and silently ran his thumb across my bottom lip scanning his eyes along my face and resting them on my lips. He tightened his arm on my back and pulled me closer like he was leaning in to kiss me. I closed my eyes and then a knocking sound filled the air.

knock knock knock it continued.

Someone was knocking on the door. Gerard dropped his arm from around me and took a step back. We looked at each other. Almost like two kids who got caught with their hands in the cookie jar. He shook his hair from his eyes and opened the door.

"Gerard?" The woman gasped at the sight of him in the womens restroom. It was the lady from before I think. "What were you doing in the women's..." her voice trailed off when she saw me standing behind him. She gave him a disappointed look. "Oh I see..." she said. Gerard looked down at his feet as he walked by her mumbling some kind of apology and I did the same.

"Sorry" I said softly looking down as I walked by her. She went inside and shut the door. I went back to my seat and Gerard went to his. At the end of the service Mikey came back to say goodbye. I gave him a hug and politely waved at his grandmother. There was nothing to really say at this point.

Gerard was saying goodbye to Bobbi-Jo, then he turned to hug me. He whispered in my ear "Where'dya get the coke?" I shrugged. "I mean it Elle don't lie to me." He says lowering his voice down…

I didn't want to so I told him the truth. "Teddy."

"Well tell him you don't want anymore." He says and I just nodded. But truth be told I wouldve nodded to anything he said at that point. I was too emotionally worn down to do anything else but agree.

Paul had come over bright and early the day after the funeral to apologize to me for missing it and also to interogate me about why Gerard was here that day. I swore up and down to him that nothing had happened between me and Gerard. Which was the truth. He seemed to be satisfied. Then he told me to stay away from him. I told him to go to hell. We argued for hours. I wouldn't give in. He finally gave up and left.

I walked back into my room and threw myself on the bed. I looked over at teddy on the nightstand. He stared at me. I stared back. I reached over and loosened the stitches on his neck. I pulled out another bag of coke. Fuck Lia’s gonna kill me. She was coming back from her cruise tomorrow and Teddy had lost so much weight.

I dumped the bag on my dresser. I can't find my razor but I didnt care. Shit I'm making such a fucking mess, trying to cut it with my nail file. I inhale it in. I can feel it instantly. I closed my eyes and was starting to fall asleep. I could hear the phone ringing but I ignored it. It wouldn't stop. Finally I picked it up.

"Hello?" I said half asleep

"Elle?" It was Gerard. I opened my eyes.

"mmm.."I said stretching

"I just...I was..Are you okay? ..I mean obviously not..but I just thought that maybe...." Gerard stammered on. I was trying to focus my eyes. I was so fucked up. I put the phone down on the pillow and rubbed my eyes. I looked at Teddy next to me.The clock said 3:30 I could still hear Gerard’s voice but I couldn't make out what he was saying. I picked back up the phone.

"What?" I asked him… Fuck.. I didn't hear anything he had just said.

"No its ok..I just thought you wouldn't want to be alone..." He said his voice trailing off a little…

"Alone? I'm not alone." I blurt out looking at teddy sitting next to me.

"Oh, I uh thought...is Lia back yet?" He says but I could hardly hear him… Someone was talking in the background. "Shut the fuck up" he yelled and then it got quiet…

"No really I'm fine Gerard…. Teddy’s here." I said sitting up and sniffling a little…. Blood suddenly ran down my mouth. Shit my nose was bleeding again. I grabbed the sheet and held it up to my face as I jumped out of bed.

"What is he...." I hear Gerard still talking but I dropped the phone from my ear and grabbed the tissues from my dresser…I picked the phone back up grabbing some from the box and pressing them to my face...

"What did you just say ?" I ask him as I tilt my head back.

"Is Ted there?" He says harshly… Fuck he sounded pissed. I mean what the fuck Gerard? I felt like I was gonna pass out from losing so much blood.

"Look I gotta go" I said heading towards the bathroom.

"Elle is he there?" He repeated even harsher.

"What the fuck!" I screamed into the phone. "Yeah he's here…He’s laying in my bed right now! What the fuck are you so worried about him for?" I cry out…Jesus Christ I'm bleeding to death and all he wants to talk about is a god damn stuffed animal? He went to say something but I but him off…"Look Gerard I gotta go" I said and I pushed the off button hanging up on him tossing the cordless phone to the floor now.

I washed my face and stared at myself in the mirror. I looked like shit and not just cause my shirt was covered in blood.

I went back to my room to change. But then I saw there was blood drops all the down the hall to my bedroom. My sheets had a huge bloodstain on the corner.. Fuck me! Do you know how hard that is to get out in the wash?!

There was a mess of powder on my dresser and crumbled up tissues on the floor. I looked to teddy sitting on the bed. "What are you doing to me?" I screamed at him like it was his fault. My life was falling apart and I blamed him.

I picked him up and threw him against the wall. His head fell off and my face fell at the sight of it. Oh fuck Lia’s gonna kill me…

I picked his head up and tried to put it back on. It was too late. The stitches were torn. I looked at his plastic eyes....Holy shit.. I just killed Teddy.....Lia loved that motherfucking bear. She's never gonna forgive me for this. I started to panic. I had to fix him.

My mind was racing... Maybe I can tape his head back on?... I headed towards the kitchen. I found some duct tape in the closet and a twine rope- no that's no good.. hmmm...maybe crazy glue? I opened the drawer. I found some thread.... no needle...oh wait what's there's one..yes!!! Maybe I could save him! I couldn't find the scissors so I grabbed a knife from the drawer. "Hold on Teddy" I cried out running down the hall towards my room when a knocking at the door stopped me.

God damn it better not be Paul again I thought to myself as I opened it slightly and peeked my head out. It was Gerard. "Can I come in?" he asked. He was alone.

"uh...no...bye" I said quickly. I was standing behind the door with my head peeking around it. I looked down at my bloodstained shirt. I was still holding the rope, the tape, the needle and thread and the knife in my arms. I was pushing the door shut on him but Gerard reached his hand out and stopped it from closing. He was looking at me intently.

"What the fuck are you doing Elle?" He said as he was trying to peek inside.

"Nothing!...I've gotta go please.." I exclaimed and I tried to shut the door. I put all my weight on it and he just pushed it open. As the door opened I was dropping all my stuff. He walked in and looked at me covered in blood. His eyes widened as he looked at the stuff on the floor.

"What the fuck is going on here?" he said and I sighed.I was caught. Time to admit defeat...

I turned and locked the front door. "Ok Gerard, I'll tell you. But you gotta promise not to tell anyone- not ever" I said. And he nodded.

"I just killed Teddy." I blurt out as I looked down at the floor. I instantly started to cry. He reached over and grabbed me. He pulled my face up and looked in my eyes with disbelief.

"You what?" He said and I sniffled. Blood came trickling down my nose again.

"I'll show you.." I said and took him by the hand and led him down the hall to my room.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!!!" Gerard was screaming at me. I had never heard him yell before. I just stared at him blankly. He was waving Teddy’s head around in the air wildly... "I fucking thought...oh shit Elle...the blood ..the fucking knife.." he groaned and tossed Teddy’s head to the floor. He was running his hands through his hair pacing back and forth. I went over and picked Teddy up and tried to put his head on. But it just fell over once again and rolled onto the floor... It was so sad. Poor Teddy...

"So are you not gonna help me?" I asked weakly. I was sitting on the floor holding poor decapitated Teddy looking up at Gerard pitifully…. He looked down at me and sighed.

"No, I'm gonna help you" he said reaching his hand out to me. I looked up at him.

"Come on, take my hand" he said and he pulled me up into his arms. He ran his hand down my cheek and along my shirt collar. He leant forward again, like he was going to kiss me; and then someone knocked on the door. I pulled back. Oh shit! Maybe Paul did come back. I went to the window. Mikey was standing on the stoop.

"Is that Mikey?" I asked and Gerard looked outside.

"Oh shit I left Mikey in the car." He says and he looked at me and then back out the window.

"Just go, I'll be ok now." I told him. He didn't move. I pushed him towards the door. "Go 'head. I mean it.." I said and with that he was gone and I was alone again until the next morning when Paul showed up.

He had insisted on driving me to school because of my ankle. I told him I could manage but he insisted. He was acting like we didn't even have a fight. There was a game tomorrow night. He wanted me to go and watch him play.

"Are you listening Elle?" he asked me and I didn't answer. I went to get out and he grabbed my arm. "Elle?" He repeats…He wouldn't let go of my arm. I tried to pull it away but he grabbed it tighter.

"Fine Paul. I'll go." I said. He smiled and let go of my arm. I was too tired to argue with him. But was this going to be my life now? Just doing anything anyone said because Im too worn to do otherwise.

"Wait I'll get the door" he said and hopped out and dashed around the front of the car. He held my door open and reached for my hand to help me up. As I was getting out of his car I saw Gerard standing by the gate. Paul must have seen him too because he pulled me right up into his arms and kissed me. He then turned over his shoulder and waved at Gerard."What's the matter Elle? You don't want to say hi to your friend?" He said smirking. I punched him in the shoulder.

"You're such an ass Paul!" I told him and looked over. Gerard was gone.

Paul walked me to the photo lab. I peeked in. Gerard was sitting in his chair drawing in his notebook. Frankie was standing on Mr. Edwards chair. Paul grabbed me and tried to kiss me again. I turned my head. He ended up kissing my cheek. Gerard didn't look up.

"I cant come back after class" he told me. Oh thank god! He continued on "But I'll see you after 3rd period babe" He tells me and I frown.

"Why?" I asked him sarcastically.

"Very funny Elle" he said as he jogged down the hall

funny? I wasn’t kidding. I could care less if I ever saw him again…