FicWad

We get back to my house and Mikey puts on some god damn horror movie and shuts the lights. Everyone started drinking. Everyone except for me that was. I sat in the bean bag chair across from Gerard and just stared at him. He wouldn’t look at me, he was just slowly drinking from one of the bottles.

Ray and Lia were curled up on the couch watching the movie. Bob and Mikey had mixed the other bottle of rum with some soda and were drinking it out of these ugly plastic cups. I didn’t even know I had any plastic cups. No one seemed to notice I wasn’t drinking or even watching the movie.

Gerard looked like he was still pissed at me and I wasn’t sure why but I was going to find out. I got up and sat down on the couch next to him and I put my hand on his leg. He didn’t move and he didn’t say anything. I reached out for his bottle and he pulled it away.

"What’s the matter with you?" I asked quietly rubbing his leg. Everyone was still watching the movie. He didn’t answer...didn’t even turn his head to me. Fuck. An hour ago things were fine...weren’t they? What changed? "You’re not pissed about what happened with Lia are you?" I asked squeezing his leg. He turned to me and looked in my eyes but still didn’t say anything. "Aw come on I was just fucking around." I said sliding my hand further up his thigh. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it. hard.. I winced in pain.

"Well.. I'M not something for you to fuck around with." He hissed in my ear and dropped my hand. I was in shock. I stood up quickly and my eyes welled up with tears. Everyone was still focused on the TV screen. I walked down to the bathroom and shut the door. The knob was still all fucked up from Lia and Rays earlier drama. It wouldn’t shut right. I kicked the door a few times in frustration then just gave up.

I leant over the sink staring at my own reflection in the mirror. I rubbed my hand where Gerard squeezed it. It wasn’t bruised or anything it just hurt real bad. I wiped my eyes dry. Everything felt like it was spiraling out of control. I hung my head over the sink and stared down into the drain trying to steady all the thoughts racing through my head. I took a deep breath and looked back up into the mirror. I can see Mikeys reflection too, hes standing in the doorway looking at his shoes. Fuck how long has he been there?

"So uh are you and Gee like together?" He asked without looking up.

"Hmm?" I said acting like I didn’t hear him. God damn broken lock.

"I just mean...you’re not gonna hurt him Elle..are you?." He said walking in. Hurt him?! Is he fucking kidding me? Hes worried about me hurting him? Maybe he didn’t just see what happened.

"Hurt him?" I asked looking into Mikeys eyes. They were now completely focused on me. He was blocking the doorway. I looked away and turned on the faucet and started washing my hands. Mikey continued to just stand there.

Waiting for an answer. I dried my hands and looked up at him. Maybe he did see what happen...

"God what are you the big brother now?" I teased trying to lighten the mood.

Mikey laughed. "No its just well..dont take this the wrong way Elle.." Mikey stammered and diverted his eyes away from mine. "uh..but uh..you seem to go through guys pretty fast" I stared at him back. What was he trying to say? He seemed real nervous but went on." and uh..I mean Gerard’s had a thing for you for so long so if this is just like a thing to get back at Paul ..."he stammered looking down at his feet.

"You think I’m using him to get back at Paul?" I asked him raising an eyebrow.

Mikey shook his head. "No I dont..I mean.. I didn’t mean it to sound like that...".

"No, Mikey dont" I said interrupting him. "Its ok...I get it ." I said pushing past him. “Your his brother and thats what family does right? Looks out for each other?” I said and he just looked at me... “I wouldn’t know” I added and I pushed past him and went and collapsed back on the beanbag chair in the living room. Mikey appeared a few seconds later and sat back on the couch. Gerard didn’t even look up.

I rubbed my eyes...The X I took in detention was wearing off. I didn’t care. Usually I would have popped another pill or downed half the fucking bottle by myself at this point.. but I just didn’t feel right. I looked over at Gerard. His bottle was nearly empty. He still wouldn’t look at me. The movie played on. Screams filled the room. I glanced at the TV quickly and then I looked around the room.

Fuck. This place was depressing. No wonder why I’m always so depressed. Something was missing.The room was cold and lifeless. I had stripped the walls bare of all my papas’ stuff, all the happy photographs and the plants that he loved so much.. I had a few pieces of furniture scattered through out the house but it wasn’t my home anymore...it was just a shell of a house...of my house.. A strange feeling came over me. Things looked so different now. I think I was.. no I know I was...

...sober?....

I looked over at the bare walls. Damn thats where papa had that picture of me and Paul from junior prom hanging... Oh man...Mikeys words were echoing through my head. I wasn’t using Gerard was I? No I couldn’t be. I just wanted him so badly. My perfect Gerard..I think I love him... watching him sit there..so close..but so far away...my heart was breaking for him... Mikey was right I did go through guys fast...take em -use them and then ditch them...I didn’t want to do that again..not with Gerard...

The only relationship I ever really had was with Paul and that was so dysfunctional in so many ways. He let me do whatever I wanted mainly because let him do what ever he wanted with me and..Oh god I think I’m gonna be sick...my hand started shaking.

I jumped up and ran down the hall to my room. I ripped open my drawers and started digging through them for ..I dont know..something... I dump Lia’s purse out on the floor. She had a few pills loose in her bag. I swallowed them. I dont even know what they were..I didn’t care..I shut my eyes closed tightly and waited. I could hear a lot of noise in the living room. I peeked out into the hall.

Ray and Lia were arguing. Lia got up and stormed out the front door. Ray went after her. I went back and sat on the chair. We all sat in silence watching the end of the movie. Ray came back in the front door. He said he was leaving and if they all wanted a ride they had to leave now too. The guys got up. Mikey ducked out without saying goodbye. Cant say I blame him. Bob was trying to clean up a little but I told him not to bother. Ray was seriously pissed and wasn’t gonna wait for him much longer. I gave Bob a hug and when I turned back around Gerard was gone.

Great. I just keep fucking things up. Maybe it was better this way. He was pretty drunk and I didn’t want to get into a serious conversation with him like that. Maybe tomorrow we could talk...hmm or maybe not. These were some pretty mellow pills Lia had. Maybe she should start actually taking them I mean she’s so high strung...probably wouldn’t fight so much with Ray... I was almost finished cleaning up when I heard a noise behind me. I turned it was Gerard coming through the front door. Damn I better find a new spot to hide my key...

"Did you forget something?" I asked him awaiting his bitter response.

He didn’t answer. He just walked towards me and grabbed me an kissed me. Everything seemed right again in that moment. We kissed for a few minutes then he pulled away.

"Why didn’t you say you talked with Frankie today?" He asked running his hands through my hair as he held me. I looked into his eyes he was pretty drunk and then some. His nose was a little red too. But I couldn’t tell if it was from the cold outside or something more...probably something more - I guess that would explain the complete 360 he just did from an hour ago.

"Frankie." He repeated when I didn’t answer. "You did talk to him right?" He said and I nodded. He pushed the hair from my face. "So I guess he's cool with this." He said running his hands down my cheek. He wrapped his hands around my neck.. "So if you wanted to we could..." Gerard started.

Oh Fuck! He was going to ask me out. A wave of doubt passed over me. I was suddenly scared. What if I cant do this? What if I fuck this up like everything else? Paranoia was filling my mind. My hand started shaking again.

I cut him off. "Uh…Gerard...I’m not ready for a relationship." I heard myself say.Fuck.. these pills were giving me serious mood swings. I was holding back my tears biting my lip. Gerard let go of me, he looked hurt. "Wait ..its not that I dont like you cause I do" I said reaching for his hand. "I like you alot..but after everything with Paul and all- I just." my voice trailed off. He pulled his hand away from mine.

"No thats cool. Elle..I get it.." He said taking a step back. "I guess I’m good enough to fuck around with but not to be your boyfriend.. I get it." he snickered reaching for the front door.

"Thats not what I meant!" I screamed at him and grabbed his arm.

He pulled me towards him and slammed me against the door. He pressed his body against mine. I could smell the rum on his breath. "I just want to be together.." He said kissing my neck.

"I do too" I said trying to push him off of me. He was too heavy. He slid his hand up my shirt. It was ice cold. I shivered and tried to wiggle away. He started to unbutton my jeans. I put my hand on his. "Come on Gerard." I protested. "You’re drunk.." I said pushing him back. He lost his balance a little and I squeezed out from between him and the door. I walked towards the living room and he put his hand on my shoulder.

I stopped walking. He slid his arms around me and kissed my neck. Kinda like Lia did. Oh god...this isnt right..he's too fucked up. Oh but his kisses felt so good. It sent shivers down my spine. He lifted my shirt over my head and laid me down onto the couch. He was kissing me and touching me and oh god it felt so good but it was so wrong.

He was so fucked up..and we didn’t settle anything from before... ."No Gerard stop.." I whispered as he undid my jeans. I didn’t want this..not like this..

"shhh." Is all he said back.

"This isn’t.." I cried out trying to wriggle out from under him. Oh god...This isn’t how its suppose to be..I want a real relationship. something that will last forever.. "I dont think we should..." I tried to say as his hands ran down my body..."wait" I tried to protest...but he ignored me...

and then it was all over...

We had sex on my couch..and it was cheap and it was dirty and it was all wrong.

It use to be enough for me...

but not anymore...

When it was all over Gerard groaned and lifted himself off of me slightly. I squeezed out from beneath him and headed for the bathroom. I tried to shut the door but it wouldn’t close right. I pushed it closed again. It bounced open.

"Damn it" I screamed and slammed it hard. It swung open slightly. The latch would catch right. What kind of fucking bullshit is this? I shook my head in vain and left the door slightly ajar. It was no use the door was fucking broken. I turned on the hot water in the shower and got in. The water poured down my face. It burned. I didn’t care. I shut my eyes. My mind was racing... Fuck how am I gonna fix that doorknob?

I dont even believe this. After everything that just happened I’m standing here worrying about what? the fucking door knob..thats the least of my problems fuck...oh god the doorknob..how am I gonna fix that?

Damn Lia and her fucking shrink. What the hell did I take? Uppers? downers? both? Hmm I wonder what that be called...a dowper? a dup? a duck? . wait-a duck? oh fuck...duckfuck? I started laughing... and crying.. I laughed so hard I cried and once I started crying I couldn’t stop.

Shit the water was so hot my skin was turning red and kinda purple. That was definitely not cool. I pulled myself together and shut the water and got out. The bathroom door was wide open and all the steam was escaping through it.. What the hell now the hinges are broken too? I opened and shut it a few times. It seemed okay..I mean it wouldn’t latch shut- but still... how did it open on its own??...

Unless it was-oh Elle you’re such a fucking moron!! I wrapped a towel around myself and walked back to the living room. Gerard was gone. Fuck. He didn’t even say goodbye... I fucking knew this would happen.

Our relationship was over before it even started!!!.... my heart was pounding so fast and so hard that it hurt inside my chest.. I suddenly felt nauseous... I sat on the couch for a moment trying to steady my heart beat. I just wanted this night to be over...and quickly..

I drank half a bottle of Nyquil on the way back to my room. I was so tired I crawled into bed without drying my hair and fell asleep still wrapped in only a towel.

The next morning I decided to bring Lia's purse back to her house. She had stormed out on Ray so fast last night she forgot it. Oh God..last night..I forgot about that... I started to stress again about Gerard so I got dressed quickly and scooped up Lia’s crap off my floor.

She had left the vile from Carlos on my dresser. I held it up and swirled it around in the light. Then I had an idea. I squeezed the tiniest drop I could into a dime bag and the weed just soaked it up, quickly too. Wonder how strong this shit is? Hmm lets find out I thought as I rolled a joint in the kitchen. I smoked it as I ate breakfast.

As I walked back through the living room my eyes settled on the couch. The couch where Gerard and I.... God what the hell happened last night...I mean I wanted Gerard...I wanted to be with him for so long ...I didn’t regret being with him..it was just...argh!! Where does this leave us now? Damn him to hell..

I stormed out of the house clutching Lia’s bag. As I swung the front door shut my coat got caught on the doorknob and I tripped forward knocking over all the flower pots that were lined up by the door. Fuck. At least I didn’t fall down the steps again. Its not like Gerard is here to catch me like last time.

I sighed..Oh fuck I’ve gotta stop thinking of him-I wonder if he'll call? No forget him Elle.

Just..just pick up the flower pots...They were mostly empty ones since it was winter. A few were filled with dirt. One looked like the plant in it died six years ago. Just a stick with a few dead leaves standing in some dirt. It was so sad.
"I am so sorry I didn’t water you." I told the plant as I lifted its pot and slid it back into place.

Something caught my eye. Ooh what’s that inside the pot? It was my key. Fucking Gerard didn’t put it back under the third pot to the left where he got it from last night... he just threw it in the pot with the dead stick. Man he was so fucked up yesterday I’m amazed he even remembered where the key was.

"Oh Gerard" I sighed I picked up the key and wiped the dirt from it. I was about to put it back under the third pot to the left when I had second thoughts. Maybe I should move it..Yeah I think I should...and this time I wont tell anyone where it is. I looked around the porch for where I could hide it. There was a leaf by the door. Looked like it fell off that stick plant.

"Can I use this?" I asked the dead plant. It didn’t answer. I was kinda glad. I usually don’t do acid alone since I tend to freak out alot... I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking this morning..oh yeah..Gerard...argh!!

I put the key under the leaf in the corner of the porch. "Ha! no one will find it there" I told the plant. As I turned a gust of wind blew the leaf away and left my key exposed.

"Fuck" I said looking at the plant. " Well that didn’t work...do you have any ideas?" I asked the plant.... it still didn’t answer. Man- I was so fucked up. I’ve gotta stop talking to myself. I crinkled my eyebrows and thought really hard...
a key, a key, where can I hide my key? I thought to myself...

Hmm well there was no where else on the porch thats for sure...unless I do the third pot on the right instead of the left....hmm I counted off the pots to the right. Wait that cant be right. Thats the pot I usually keep it under. I count the pots from the left. 1-2-3... same pot? how could that be. Okay from the right again Elle, now focus here 1-2-3.

Motherfucker! There was only five pots. How could number 3 be the same pot both ways?

I was starting to get a headache. Ok well no there’s nowhere good on the porch. And I don’t know how but those goddamn flowerpots are messing with me. Maybe cause I killed the big one. He was probably the leader.

"God damn plants." I mumbled and I kick the leaders pot. The side cracked open and dirt poured all over my shoe.

"You bastard!" I yelled at it. "I'm glad I killed you!" I spun around. "And you’re next" I told the bush to the side of me. I could’ve sworn the bush laughed.

This was crazy. I’m fucking standing in the cold arguing with a plant. A dead plant. Actually it wasn’t even a plant anymore it was a stick in the dirt. God damn it I have got to get out here.

I gave up and went down the steps clutching the key. As I walked past the old knotted tree on my front lawn I noticed a hole in it. I had never seen it before but its not like I was ever that close to the tree before. The hole was maybe a little bigger than my hand. I stood up on my tip toes and peeked in. It was dark. I gently place the key inside near the edge. I was so scared the whole tree was hollow and was going to eat my key, but it didn’t. There was like a little ledge or something.

Oh Elle! you rock! I thought as I walked briskly down the block, no one will find it there!! Trees totally rule. Plants suck! The cold air was filling my lungs. It felt good walking away from my house... a little too good.

As I rang Lia’s doorbell I had an idea. Maybe I should buy some new stuff..I mean its not like I didn’t have the money. I mean no ones going to be buying me Christmas presents this year so maybe I'll just buy myself some stuff..yeah..that would be nice..I could make my house back into a home...I was suddenly feeling pretty good.

No one answered Lia’s doorbell. I knocked a few times but nothing...Shit I should’ve called first...I made my way back down the block towards my house. There was something by my door. I couldn’t make out what it was. It looked like a guy in all black crouching in front of door.

"Gerard?" I called out

"Uh no Its just me." Frankie winced.

What the fuck was he doing? He was crouched in front of the door and he had his arm in the mail slot.

"What the hell you doing?" I asked. He was tugging on his arm. Holy shit I think it was stuck! I laughed. Frankie had his arm stuck in the mail slot! Frankie winced again trying to pull it out.

"My elbow is fucking stuck!" he cried. He had twisted around so his arm was bending quite unnaturally trying to wriggle it free. He crouched on one knee and was leaning forward. I just stood and watched. "what the fuck Elle! Help me!" He cried out

"Wait why do you even have your arm in here?" I asked tugging on his arm. He has his sleeve all the way rolled up but it was caught in the hinge. I tugged a little on it.

"Aaah no..not that way! shit! this is all your fault.!" He yelled at me. I stopped helping him and took a step back. "Wait no Elle!" he begged.

"My fault!" I said crossing my arms. Frankie slouched back down on his knees with his arm twisted behind his back.

"Yeah I leant Mikey that movie last night and he left it here." Frankie rubbed his shoulder as he spoke.

"And you were what gonna crawl through the mail slot to get it?" I laughed. Frankie frowned.

"No I knocked and you weren’t here." Frankie moaned adjusting his position.

"and.." I said looking down at him. He was so pathetic!

"I couldn’t find your key so I figured I could just reach inside and unlock the door." Frankie moaned.

I just laughed. "Come on Elle. Its fucking cold out here!" He yelled.

"Okay okay" I said unlocking the door. I opened it slowly dragging Frankie inside with it. Frankie sat on the hall floor. I looked at his arm on the other side of the door. I tried to push it but he just cried out in pain. I lifted the slot open as far as I could and Frankie tugged but nothing.

"Okay just relax your muscles. " I told him "thats why it wont fit." I said from behind the door.

"I’m fucking trying!" Frankie screamed.

"Okay then maybe some oil will help." I suggested "Ill go get it" I said standing up. I was heading to the kitchen.

"Okay but not the cherry scented one." Frankie said from the other side of the door.

"the what?" I asked and stopped walking.

"the cherry massage oil in your drawer." He said looking up at me. I raised my eyebrows at him.

"You went through my drawers? " I stammered.

Frankie grinned. "I told you..just the top ones.."

My jaw dropped. "Frankie I have a good mind to just shut the door and leave you out there." I said very seriously. Frankie’s faced dropped. "I’m just kidding." I told him. "I’ll go get the vegetable oil from the kitchen but I’m warning you..if this doesn’t work I’m gonna have to call the fire department!" I said and Frankie laughed.

I was just kidding.

But seriously,

I may have to call them...