FicWad

I spent the next few hours impatiently waiting for Gerard. I tried calling Lia but she wasn’t home. Where the hell was she? There was nothing good on TV either. I popped Ray’s cd in the stereo. I wanted to hear what was so god damn important that I traded a guitar to Ray for.

I cant believe I traded my one favor from Jay for this I thought as it started playing. It was pretty good actually. I mean the guitar Ray got was way more valuable then the cd he gave me but I didn’t care. Gerard was worth it. Fuck Lias gonna be pissed when she finds out I gave Jay some hits for nothing. Oh well...Lia owes me too.

The number of times I covered for her ass. The song was almost over. I was too tired to get up and turn it off. Shit I think I left the player on repeat mode...yup..its playing again...aaaah.. Fuck it. I curled up on my couch and ended up taking a nap as it played over and over again.

Someone was knocking on the door and it woke me up. The cd was still playing. Fuck it was pitch black in here. Aaah! I hate the dark..shit where’s the lamp?..Fuck...I trip over a table that never use to be there...Damn it..where am I? I find the light switch and flick it on. Oh fuck. Its my living room.

I didn’t know my way around the new furniture yet. Fuck. The stereos still playing and its pretty loud. How the fuck was I sleeping so soundly. I turn it off. Shit I knocked over my new table and lamp. I’m standing it back up when someone knocks on the door again only louder this time. Oh yeah I woke up cause someone knocked. Wait- who the fuck is knocking on my door so late at night? I try to peek out the window. Its too fucking dark. Fuck Elle its gotta be Gerard duh!. Damn why am I always so out of it when I first wake up...

I open the door. It is Gerard. Hes got a weird expression on his face. Fuck. I cant tell if the look hes giving me is a good one or a bad one. I just stand in the doorway staring at him. Damn hes so cute. Hes waiting for me to speak. Fuck.

"Hi." I say. Oh how original! He just stands there and smiles a little. Okay good a smile. This is going well.

"Uh you wanna come in?" I ask. He nods and walks in. What the fuck hes mute now? Shit he said more to me on the phone. He walks into the living room and looks around at my new stuff but still doesn’t speak.

"I got new stuff." I say. He nods but hes still silent. Okay I was wrong. this isn’t going well...Fuck.. new approach...mmm. okay

"Uh do you wanna take off your coat.?" I ask. He shakes his head yes and takes it off and tosses it on the chair...there’s more silence...Okay thats it... Am I fucking dreaming? I walk over to him and pinch his arm -hard.

He yells out in pain "Oww fuck! why'd ya do that?" He said grabbing his arm.

"To see if you could talk!" I exclaim.

"I guess I deserved that." He said rubbing his arm.

"Aw I’m sorry" I said and lifted his sleeve. Fuck I left a mark. I kiss it. "mmm better now?" I ask. He smiled. I smiled back.

"I just didn’t know what to say to you." He said looking down as I sat on the couch.

"Huh?" I say pulling him onto the couch next to me.

"I mean fuck Elle..Im sorry about this morning-" He started.

I cut him off. "No its okay." I said rubbing my hand on his. "I’ve been called worse." I laughed. He squeezed my hand.

"No its not." he said bringing my hand to lips. He kissed it softly. My heart melted. He wrapped his arm around me. I pressed myself against him. "Its just when I saw you laying in his car" He sighed. "I freaked out a little." He said.

I lifted my head off of his shoulder. "A little?" I say.

"Okay a lot" he laughed. "But damn Elle you are a handful." he said pushing the hair from my face. His hand lingered on my cheek.

"Oh but thats why you love me." I said without thinking. Our eyes locked. I looked away.

He turned my face back to him and said. "Yeah I do"

"Do what?" I asked looking in his eyes.

I felt my heart flutter as he said...

"I do love you."

He pulled me into a deep kiss and for a moment I forgot about everything...

Christmas with Paul...

and that girls voice on the phone...I could feel my heart beating faster as I melted into him...

those things didn’t matter- not now...

We kissed for what seemed like an eternity. I pulled myself up and straddled his lap. He ran his hands down my body. I ran my hands across his shoulder and down his chest resting then on his belt buckle. I pulled away and took a deep breath. He leant his head back for a moment and looked down at my hands on his buckle. He loves me! Thats all I could think. I dont believe this. He fucking loves me like I love him. This is perfect...

Wait its too perfect...

I was about to undo his belt to show him how much I loved him back when a wave of fear passed over me. The same fear I felt when I thought he was gonna ask me out.. Paranoia started taking over my mind. How could he love you Elle? I thought. I mean really really love you. You haven’t even been together that long....

I only started hanging out with him what a few months ago...fuck..hes probably just saying that...no.no, he wouldnt..would he? Why would he say he loves you if he doesn’t?

I look down at my hand on his buckle. Fuck thats why...

I start to get up in disgust. Maybe Paul was right... I suddenly cant breath anymore.

Gerard must’ve seen my face drop when I stood up cause he pulled me back down on to his lap. I was too involved in my thoughts to object. He felt so warm. I felt so safe so close to him. Fuck what is wrong with you Elle! Why cant you trust him. I leant my head on the arm rest and looked up at his face.

"What is it?" Gerard asked softly running his fingers along my palm.

"You love me?" I asked weakly. I stared at his eyes to try to see if I could tell if he was lying. If he looks away then he is...then this was all just an act to get me to ... Oh I’m gonna be sick...

He stared right back at me intently. "Of course I love you." He said without taking his eyes away from mine. Not even for one second. Fuck. How could that be? Damn it Elle. why cant you just be happy. Did you want him to be lying?...fuck... "I’ve always loved you." He said squeezing my hand. I look away. "You dont believe me?" He asked turning my face back to his.

"Gerard come on now" I said chuckling a little. "How long have we known each other?" I ask interlocking my fingers in his. I pulled his hand towards my mouth and ran my lip along his fingertips. God I wanted him so bad, whether he loved me or not.

"Uh since the seventh grade?" Gerard replied.

"Oh so you’ve loved me since the seventh grade" I joked. Gerard blushed a little and looked away. Fuck. No- that couldn't be true ...could it? "Gerard?" I said sitting upright.

He pushed me back down. "No actually I hated you in the seventh grade." He said laughing a little. I smiled back.

"Why?" I pouted " I never did anything to you!" I exclaimed.

"Come on Elle." He said and his face dropped. "You dont remember?" He asked seriously. Remember? remember what? I shook my head no. He sighed.

"Tell me." I said. He shook his head no. "Aw come on." I pouted. He smiled a little at me. I pouted some more.

"Fine" he said and took a deep breath. "I cant believe you dont remember this" He started. I snuggled up next to him. He wrapped his arm around me and ran his hand along my thigh. " I uh..had a huge crush on you back then" He said.

"Yeah right!" I laughed.

"hey come on you want me to tell you or not?" He said. I pretended to zip my lip shut. He smiled and pulled me closer. "Ok well I put a note in your locker telling you that and I asked you to meet me at the arcade after school and you never showed." He said.

I looked up at him in confusion. Huh? I kinda remembered something like that but it was fuzzy. "I stood you up?" I asked in disbelief. Turning down a date was not like me.

He laughed a little. "Yeah.. I was so pissed too...I decided that I hated you."

"I didn’t show?" I said. How come I dont remember this? "When was this again?" I ask.

"Uh it was the end of January." He said softly. My heart skipped a beat. January?

"That was when my mom died." I said softly. Gerard squeezed me tighter.

"Uh yeah I know...I mean I didn’t know that then.." he stammered. "If I did I wouldn’t have written all that shit about you if I knew." He said running his hand through his hair. He tensed up a little.

"What?" I asked pulling away from him. He blushed again. I raised my eyebrows and repeated "what did you write?"

"I uh.. well when you didn’t show..." He stammered. I looked at him harder. "I wrote Michelle’s a whore and shit on the bathroom walls." He said laughing. I punched his arm.

"That was you!" I said laughing too. I tried to get up.

"Oh baby I’m sorry!" He said pulling me back down. "I was just a kid."

"Aw fuck you." I said laughing. " I always thought that was Alex Peterman who did that." I said.

"Why what'd ya do to him?" He asked. I punched him again. He laughed. I got up off the couch and folded my arms and looked down at him.

"Aw never mind.." I said shaking my head at him. "You know thats why I shortened my name to Elle." I said waving my finger at him. He smiled. "Its not funny." I protested. He was just so god damn cute I couldn’t be mad at him. A smile crept back across my face. He stood up and hugged me. He kissed my cheek. I resisted.

"mmm I’m sorry Elle." he moaned. He kissed my cheek again. I resisted a little less. "you forgive me baby" he said pulling my lips to his and I gave in. I just needed him so badly....Our kisses became more and more passionate and I found my hand resting on his belt buckle once again. but this time there was no fear in my mind.

I knew what I wanted...

and it was him...