FicWad

I was so hopped up on coke I couldn't sleep at all... Also the fact that I had done nothing but sleep so much the last few days wasn't helping. I wanted to leave my house but it was dark out and I was scared... The coke wasn't helping make me any less paranoid either.

I anxiously waited for the sun to rise and once it did I bolted out of there. I drove up to Northwood only to find the cemetery visiting hours don't start until 9 am. What kind of bullshit is that? Telling me what time I can and cannot grieve? I parked the car in the lot across from the cemetery and walked down to the church on the corner. I haven't been to a church since Papa died... I hope they're open at least...

I went in and sat down... There were a lot of people there... Mass was starting. The guy upfront kept talking about forgiveness... forgiveness and love... I couldn't stand to hear anymore so I left midway through. It was after nine now so the gates were open.

I went to my mom and Papas grave and sat down on the cold grass between them. I stared at the tombstones for a while... It was a nice burial spot... my papa picked it out when my mom died... He was always very practical like that... Being a banker and all I guess... There was enough room here for several more people... That's when it hit me...Oh god the other day with Pauls knife... I stared to cry...

I didn't want to die...I didn't want to be dead... cold in the ground... right here like my mom and papa were...I started to shake I was crying so hard... I didn't want to die... but I couldn't live... not like this...

It was too hard...I thought about what the guy in the church said about forgiveness but I couldn't.... I couldn't forgive my mom for leaving me... for not telling me who my dad was... at least if I had him... maybe things would be better...

I couldn't forgive myself mostly for being so foolish all the time... I sobbed uncontrollably into my hands for what seemed like an eternity...When I finally pulled myself together some what my hands were covered in the 3 tons of makeup I put on. I leant my head forward on to my knees and stared down at the grass sobbing again softly.

"God help me." I whispered. Then I laughed a little... I never pray... not ever...

"Fuck Elle... suck it up!" I said to myself out loud and sighed. I cant keep sitting here drowning in self pity... I'm sure there are people with worse problems than me... and I'm praying for help...like I'm so fucking important... Paul was right...Its not like I was a virgin and this was some kind of tragedy... I've done worse things.. willingly even... Fuck...but that doesn't mean that... that... I deserved it... does it?? I was feeling nauseous all of a sudden and was about to get up when someone put their hand on my shoulder.

"Elle." The voice said... Fuck...It was Gerard. He sat on the grass next to me. I still had my head down. I didn't move...

"How did you know I was here?" I asked softly without moving.

"Lia told me." He said rubbing my back. Fuck...Lia and her big mouth...

"What ever she told you is a lie Gerard." I said sniffling a little.

"Well she said you needed me and it looks like she was right about that." He said trying to pull me up a little so I'd look at him. I tensed up and resisted. He sighed and ran his hand through my hair.

"That's all she said.?" I asked.

"She came over this morning and said you were fighting with Paul last night and that I should ask you what happened." He said coughing a little on a cigarette. I could smell the smoke as he spoke but I still didn't look up...

"That's all she said!" I laughed a little.

"Well she said when I saw you I'd understand." He said a little confused. I started sobbing again. "What is it babe?" He said softly.

"I don't want to die." I said pulling my knees closer to my chest.

"Okay." Gerard said with uncertainty. "I mean uh...that's good right?"

"I think it might be better if I was dead too." I said sobbing again.

"It wouldn't be better for me Elle..." He said wrapping his arms around me. He leant his head on my neck like Lia did yesterday... I still don't know what all that was about...

"Gerard..." I sighed.

"I love you Elle." He said kissing my neck softly from behind. "I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you." He sighed and squeezed me a little. I put my elbows up on my knees and put my face into my hands. He was behind me still stroking my hair.

"You mean that." I said shaking a little.

"hmm?" He said as an elderly couple walked by. I could only see their feet since I had my head down but they were definitely old people.

"You'll be with me until the end?" I ask lifting my head up.

"Yeah." He says kissing my neck again.

"Promise?" I say.

"I promise Elle... till the end..." he says as he pulls the hair from my neck to kiss it again. He stopped moving suddenly. I held my breath... it was silent...He saw the bruise on my neck... I know he did. I could feel him staring at it.

"Elle?" He said leaning over. I looked over my shoulder and saw his eyes flash an intense green for a spilt second as he studied my face...I knew he could tell I was strung out on coke too. I started crying again...He jumped up quickly and mumbled something about killing him or making him pay... I don't know... it happened so fast. Before I could even call his name out he was gone...

I didn't get a chance to tell him what happened... This is not how I wanted it to be... Damn you Lia... I thought as I got into my car... I was going to go to Gerard's house... He had to have went home right??

I mean where else could he be going?