FicWad

I opened the paper and started to read it out loud.

"My dearest child, there are so many things that I never got the chance to tell you. As I lie here, growing weaker every day, I know I will never have the chance too... All the reassuring nods and hopeful prognosis' the doctors give me are meaningless. I know in my heart that I am running out of time. Oh how I wish I were with you tonight... I don't know how much longer I can hold on for and I need you to know the truth Michelle. The truth about who your father is. All these years I told you that you weren't ready to know... the truth is that I wasn't ready to face what happened and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being brave enough to tell you these things sooner. But mostly I'm sorry for leaving you so soon. I'm sorry if you ever felt alone, or scared and I wasn't there. I only hope that you are old enough now to realize that the choices I made were for you. And if I could do it all over I'd do it the same. "

I stopped reading and sat down on the floor. Gerard sat next to me and I leant my head onto his shoulder. He reached his arm around me as I started to shake a little.

"I can't do this." I said folding it back up and handing it to him.

"You have to finish reading it." He said with a strange tone to his voice.

"No I don't." I said squeezing my eyes shut. I don't need this... not now...

"Elle you have to." Gerard says firmly grabbing my arm as I got up. And that's when I freaked out again.

"No I don't " I yelled at him.

"Calm down." Gerard says getting up to.

"Don't tell me to fucking calm down." I started to scream at him. I was just so angry. He was looking at me like he didn't know why I was so angry. " I can't do this." I started to cry and he pulled me into his arms. "I cant fucking sit here and ... its not FAIR!" I yelled pulling away a little. "why do I have to sit her and read this." I say waving the paper at him crying a little. "Why cant my mom still be here telling me this... why do I have read about it?" I ask him.

"I don't know Elle." He said softly. He had pain in his eyes now... It was hurting him to watch me hurt...

I couldn't take it... I couldn't stand to see him like that... and it was all because of me...I shut my eyes for a second. When I opened them Gerard was looking at the pink paper in my hand.... There was something more to it... And it had to be bad... the way Gerard was looking at it...

"I don't want to read it." I said forcing the letter back into his hand.

"You have to." He said softly. I shook my head no.

"Did you read it?" I said trying not to start crying again. He nodded and pulled me close to him and rubbed my back a little. "then tell me." I said.

He didn't answer, he just squeezed me closer.

"Please Gerard." I started to cry again. "If you love me... if you've ever truly loved me you'll just tell me." I sobbed. He must've realized that I meant it... That I couldn't bring myself to read it...

He took a deep breath and hesitated for a moment. "It says.... " He said and he grabbed me tighter... He was holding me so close I almost couldn't breathe..."It says Bill Watson raped your mother and she never told anyone."
I tried to pull back from him but I couldn't move... I couldn't breathe... I couldn't think... The last thing I heard before I passed out was Gerard calling my name but he sounded so far away...

I woke up lying on the couch. Lia's was sitting next to me. I tried to sit up but she forced me back down.

"Where's Gerard?" I asked looking around the hotel room. I wasn't sure if any of this had really happened or if I was dreaming it all...

"He went to get you something to eat." Lia said pushing the hair from my face a little. She ran her hand down my neck a little. "Ellie what's going on?" she says softly.

"I was gonna ask you that." I said trying to sit up again.

"Gerard said you passed out." She said pushing me back down again.

"Did he say why?" I say squeezing my eyes shut.

"No he says its cause you didn't eat last night." Lia says sighing a little as she runs her hand through my hair again.

"He went to get you something now though."

"Oh." I say opening my eyes and looking over at her.

"I sent Bob too." She says softly. "So uh... were alone now."

"Alone?" I say trying to swallow but my mouths so dry...

"Mm hmm." Lia says stroking the side of my face.

"Okay." I said wrinkling my eyebrows at her. "Are you trying to make a move on me Lia?" I say hesitantly as she reaches for my hair again.

"Shut the fuck up Elle." She laughs a little. "I thought maybe you'd tell me what's been going on." She says looking into my eyes. I look away.

"I know it has something to do with Gerard." She says firmly. "And I'm not gonna drop it this time." She says as I sit up shaking my head at her. "You've been different ever since you got with him." She says getting up and pacing the floor in front of me. I shake my head no. "Don't fucking deny it anymore." She says waving her hands in the air. "You've got fucking bruises all over your neck and I can hear you crying in there and he comes out carrying you passed out in his arms... " Lia is getting hysterical now. "I thought you were DEAD!"

I bit down on my lip. "Lia please." I say and she comes and sits down next to me on the couch. It's at this point I can smell the stench of pot on her. I mean she stunk... She and Bob must've been smoking all morning... Fuck.. That's why she wanted her bag... her pipe was in it...

"Look Elle...I've been thinking." She says to me. I look over at her nervously... When ever Lia starts thinking... well its bad... "You need to get away from Gerard." She says.

"Lia I' I try to say and she cuts me off.

"No I know you love him." She says waving her hand at me. "But seriously Elle, he's gonna kill you if you don't leave him." I shake my head at her. "I saw it on Oprah." Lia says very seriously. "This is how it starts." She says getting up and grabbing her purse.

"You know how to swim right?" she asks me as she opens her purse.

"Wait - what?" I say totally dumbstruck now.

"I have a plan." She says sitting back down.

"Oh no Lia!" I exclaim. "No plans- please!" I say as she looks over towards the doorway.

"We may not have much time." She says all paranoid like.

"Time for what?" I say shaking my head at her.

"Were gonna run away." She whispers.

"Leave me the fuck alone, you're wasted." I say trying to get up. Damn maybe Gerard was right and I do need to eat cause as I went to stand up the whole room spun and I fell back onto the couch.

"It's the only way to escape 'him'." She says and I groan. "Don't worry Ellie I have a map." She says.

Stupidly letting my curiosity take over I reply "a map?"

"Well it's a placemat, but its got a map on it" She says handing it to me. " I got it at that diner yesterday." She says...

Oh... the diner I didn't want to go to... the diner where they all ate while I window shopped for shoes... Fuck.... She was whispering loudly in my ear now... "look we're here." She points to the placemat. I lean over to look sighing a little. It was a kid's menu placemat actually, with a happy looking apple and a cartoon map of NY. "All we have to do is swim across this little lake and we'll be in Canada." She says excitedly.

"What little lake?" I say squinting at the paper... I shouldn't have been encouraging her...

"This one." She says pointing. "Uh ... Lake Ontario." She reads.

"Fuck you Lia." I say crumbling her menu map and tossing it across the room just as Bob and Gerard walk in. She scrambles to pick it up. "I am not swimming across Lake Ontario and neither are you!" I yell at her. Gerard is giving me a funny look.

"What the fuck is going on?" Gerard says laughing a little.

"Lia's fucking wasted." I say as he pulls a Styrofoam tray out of a bag and puts it on the table.

"Here I got you something." He says pushing it towards me. He goes to hand me the fork and Lia freaks out.

"Don't eat it Elle." She says snatching the fork out of his hand. "It could be poisoned." She gasps.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Gerard snaps at Lia.

"Lia thinks you're trying to kill me." I sigh opening the container.

"Why?" He says a little sarcastically.

"I guess her and Bob smoked their breakfast." I said shrugging and Bob laughed taking the fork from Lia and handing it to me.

Gerard sat down on the couch next to me and put his hand on my back and rubbed it a little. I know he wanted to talk about the letter but I couldn't... I was glad Lia and Bob were there... He couldn't say anything in front of them.. Well I mean he could but he wouldn't... I started eating the pancakes out of the tray Gerard got me. Lia and Bob were whispering in the corner. Loudly... Lia didn't seem to like what Bob was saying.

"No!" she yelled. " I am not crazy." She says waving her arms around a little. She stands right in front of me and Gerard and folds her arms. "Well if no ones gonna say it then I will." She declares.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Gerard says obviously annoyed with her theatrics.

"You're trying to kill Elle." Lia says folding her arms. Bob came over and tried to say something to her in her ear but I couldn't hear what... "No if it wasn't Paul then it was him." She says pointing to Gerard.

"That's it." I said standing up. "Gerard did not do this to me." I say grabbing Lia's arm. "DO you hear me?" I say loudly to her. She nods. "You want to know what happened?" I snap. Gerard gets up and reaches for me.

"Elle you don't..." He said.

"No" I said throwing my hands up in the air. "I can't take it anymore." I yell. Lia just looks at me. Bob is behind her a little but I was looking at Lia's eyes... "I went to hang out with Brutus Li." I say to her. " And I guess he got the wrong idea about what hanging out means and he got a little ... rough..."I sighed and looked down at the rug.

"Rough?" Bob says loudly from behind her.

"And then what?" Lia said nervously.

"And then nothing." I said lying to her... "I just left okay." I said turning around and sitting back down on the couch. Gerard just stood there looking off into space...I picked up my fork and started eating again. There was silence....Gerard lit up a cigarette and walked over by the window and looked out it... Lia was frowning a little sitting across from me. I could tell she was thinking hard about something but I don't know what...

There was so much tension in the air it was choking me...

Bob mumbled something under his breath about not believing he hit me. "Just let it go." I say to him as he sits down next to me.

"Hey a guy hits my wife, I'm gonna do something about it." Bob says pushing my arm slightly, smiling a little.

I smile back at him. "I'm not your wife." I laugh a little.

Bob laughs and holds his hand up."Yeah well this green band around my finger says other wise."